I am also appreciative to all of you, Readers, and everyone who has stuck by me on this crazy journey of a blog that is my life laid out for all of you to read. (Run on sentences, UNITE!) I realize I've been absent with not much of an explanation, or anything other than the crazy news I posted last time. I share everything with you all, and I apologize for not being more up front with what was going on before the last post. I would like to make it up to all of you, and please understand I'm just having some issues dealing with everything going on right now, which is the only reason I didn't rehash it on here. I shall do it now, though. No more surprises.
Here is a list of the craziness that is going on in my life. It's the easiest, most honest way I know how to do this.
*A little over two weeks ago, I woke up and gained eight pounds overnight. Literally. I couldn't fit in my bra, I couldn't fit in my clothes, for the love of Christmas, I could not fit in my shoes. I just swelled up and felt like a beached whale. Imagine the pain and misery that went along with that feeling. I chalked it up to my blood disorder and wasn't too worried. Then my gums swelled up. I went to the dentist and he did x-rays and informed me that my tissue in my gums and my cheeks was swollen and I needed to go to the doctor. It wasn't a dental problem.
When the weekend passed and I was able to get in contact with her, she was concerned about my kidneys, especially since the swelling hadn't gone down. She put me on lasix, and ordered blood tests. My kidney levels were high, which indicates kidney failure. In the meantime, the lasix had caused me to go back to my regular size and I made an appointment with my physician. I went to see her Tuesday. She doesn't suspect my kidneys are permanently failing, however, she is running more tests on just about every organ in my body to make sure nothing is permanently failing. She thinks the blood results were due to a temporary issue with my kidneys that was causing them to work incorrectly, therefore, basically causing them to temporarily fail. Often autoimmune disorders can cause this, and since the doctors are sure I have an autoimmune disorder and are waiting for it to declare itself, this isn't a shock, but it is frightening. She said in her years of being a doctor she has never heard of anything like this happening, so basically what is actually going on right now is unknown.
I am praying it's not serious. The thought of it being my heart was thrown around since I do have heart problems, but we're hoping we can rule it out since the doctors have been up in my heart in an extremely literal way. Right now it's just really stressful waiting for tests to come back, waiting to hear what other tests I'm going to have to do when they do, and waiting for a diagnoses. For the first few days I freaked out, I cried, I worried and I was truly afraid. I am a person who didn't think there was anything that truly scared me aside from losing someone I love, but certainly not anything that could happen to me. I was wrong. I will keep you all updated as I learn more of what is going on. Thank you for taking this journey with me.
*This whole ordeal has made me rethink a ton of things, and especially what it is that my heart really wants. I realize that I do truly want to have someone special in my life, but that I also stop myself because of my health. I am afraid of being in someone's way, being too much for them to handle, and finding it truly unfair for them to have to take care of me. There's a lot of emotions surrounding that and I'm just trying to find my way through that. I also realized that Friend always knew I loved him, he just always knew that I never wanted him before I did. And he was right about all of it, but I'm completely okay with the way things have turned out. He's happy and I'm figuring things out, just like I should be under the circumstances.
*This is my first Christmas without my Grandma, a women who defines the spirit of Christmas and caused me to have the best Christmases I will ever have and will always cherish. Not a day goes by when I don't think about what I'm going to get her for Christmas, and then I cry. Or I see a Christmas movie that she loved, or about losing a grandparent / a close relationship with a grandparent and then I cry some more. I'm a ball of mush at Christmas anyway, this just makes it worse. The reality has finally set in that she is gone, and I wasn't prepared for it. I thought I had accepted it, but the truth is, I haven't even deleted her number out of my phone and I'm still not ready to.
*With death comes an estate. With money comes the monster inside of people. I had a good relationship with my aunt prior to my gram's death. Afterward, she stopped talking to me. She and my mom hadn't talked in years. Long story short, for whatever reason, my aunt was issued the full check for my gram's estate with the stipulation that she was to write out the checks for our portion of the money and give it to us. She didn't. We ended up finding out and getting the money, but had we not made one phone call, she would have kept all the money and no one would have known. All we wanted was our fair share of the money. We didn't want any of her money, we wanted nothing more than what my grandma's trust stipulated because that's what gram wanted.
I still don't understand why she did what she did, but it's quickly turning into a paper battle between she and my mom of who can rip the other one off more. In all fairness, my aunt started writing out bills to us for ridiculous stuff, such as wanting half of the money for my gram's funeral. Gram's funeral was paid for by her and there is paperwork to go along with that. The money came out of her account, not from my Aunt. It's going to be a crazy and already emotional ride. I still struggle with finding the simple understanding of why she did this, because I never saw it coming, but suddenly, of her own choosing, I no longer have an aunt. I've known it for months when she stopped talking to me, but after all of this, it's all the more real and I see a person I didn't even know existed. I am sad, but mostly for her. She has no one else in life but her husband. His family doesn't like her because she stole him from his wife faster than you can say sabotage. (Thank you, Taylor Swift, for that reference.) When she gets old and gray, she will be alone, but it's of her own choosing, so I trust she knows what she's doing and wish her the best.
*My medication that helped my migraines has been recalled. It was the only medication I could find that helped, and the migraines can be debilitating. I'm working with my doctors to figure out what we're going to do. For now it just sucks a little.
*My doctor made the decision that I was no longer able to work, filling out my forms for my health insurance as disabled. I've mentioned this before and it's upsetting to me, because I don't know how to be that way. I want more than anything to just have a normal life. Regardless, I have applied for disability because I can't pay the bills I need to pay without money coming in, and for the past three years my bills have become my mom's responsibility, which isn't fair to her. The lady I have as a caseworker is mean. I'm not saying this to sound like a whining six year old, I'm saying this because the only tone of voice she has is yelling hysterically at you. People normally don't make me cry. I can make myself cry all by myself. She's made me cry from yelling. Granted, I'm a little fragile right now, but there's never a reason to yell at anyone over disability benefits.
And what was it that I said to her to have her yell at me? I called to tell her that the information she was requesting from me was not information that I had or that applied to me. I didn't realize that was such a hot topic. She also wanted me to spend an hour on the phone with her doing some kind of form instead of sending me the paper version. When I told her I had doctors appointments and couldn't do that when she wanted me to, she also yelled, screamed, and then finally just sent me the paper version. When I started to fill it out, I realized most of the paperwork was actually for my mom to fill out since I am living with her, so why she wanted to do it over the phone with me is beyond me. Obviously she is unhappy with her job, but I'm sure there are others who would like it.
*On top of all of that, tis the season. And I don't have much money for presents. I am busy hand crafting things for my mom and Aunt Bev. (Aunt Bev is not the Aunt who no longer talks to us, because she's not really my aunt. Just in case you were confused.) My mom also had a birthday on Wednesday, so it's been nuts around here. I feel like, with everything going on, that I am just all over the place. I am inherently done with Christmas shopping, wrapping and planning by the beginning of November, and now I have nothing done for Christmas. I only have about five million things to do before Christmas. It's fine. It's never too soon to panic. I kind of tend to go all out, though, and it's my own fault. For instance, for my mom's birthday, I wrote and recorded a song for her, and then made a video to go with it. That was one of several presents. I like to give presents so I make myself a little crazy over it.
All of that there, folks, is why I've been hazy in writing and crazy in living. I realize I'm being a real downer right now. I don't want to do this on my blog, but I did want to be honest with you guys about my forever flakiness. I will continue to keep you updated on my health, however, I am going to make an effort not to make a whole blog out of it and focus merely on that.
It occurred to me today that in the past weeks, due to everything going on, I've basically become a shut in literally and emotionally. I am trying not to do that. Therefore, I am going to make a real attempt to update every night from now until Christmas. And you know what we'll talk about?
CHRISTMAS!
I realize not all of you celebrate Christmas, so I'll try to talk about Christmas things that don't apply only to Christmas, but to the whole season. Sound like a good idea? I even changed my blog to reflect that. If I've never mentioned, I love Rudolph more than words can express and am sad that he is both a cartoon character, and unable to be aware I exist. I have issues, I know.
To start off the holiday, I'm going to post something totally non holiday related. Naturally. But there is a stocking in the background, and it's super funny. This blog needs a little lightening up.
Below is a pictorial of what can only be explained is the most unexpected, hysterical thing I've seen in the past six months. And the best part is that we have no idea how or when this occurred. I just looked up and we had this. (Sorry for the sucky picture quality. They were taken with my Blackberry.)
When Leo, the dog, tried to leave, it did not deter Stitch, the cat. He just gave him a dirty look...and won.
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