Lenny the Magical Polyp

I am sorry for not proofing and posting anything I’ve had in cue. Quite simply, I still feel like crap. Well, I mean, I feel like crap if crap had a twin that came to visit while crap was already inhabiting me. Did that make sense to anyone but myself? Either way, I thought I would update you all on what’s going on so you wouldn’t think I was just a lazy piece.

I am mostly writing this to apologize to anyone who may have tried to talk to me this week without a satisfactory answer. I.E., I either didn’t respond for several days, or it was a short, albeit cranky response. I know this sounds like a line, but it was honestly me, not you. I am sorry. When I really don’t feel well, I tend to not want to deal with anything, and when I have to, I get cranky. As to not take the cranky out on anyone else, I either don’t answer their pending emails in a timely manner, until I feel I can somewhat deal with life, and / or, when I do, they are short and not up to par with my regular emails. Again, I apologize.

I touched briefly on what was going on with my health in the last post, in which you can tell I obviously wasn’t feeling well since I spelled vacation wrong in the title. I mean, level with me here, guys. How sick do you have to be to spell vacation wrong and not even notice after proofreading? Yes, I changed it, but it was a blaring error that was staring me right smack in the face and I couldn’t take it anymore. However, you still have my permission to laugh at me just knowing that I spelled vacation as vacatioin. I don’t know what a vacatioin is, but maybe I should consider taking one.

Anyway, to touch on it a little less briefly, which I realize sounds dirty but go with me here, I shall give you an easy rundown on what’s been going on. Basically, as I mentioned previously, I started out having a sore throat, but then it turned into what most would think was a cold, only I could tell it wasn’t a cold. Something was up, and if anything, I thought I had a viral infection. The reason being that with my sneezing and coughing came a sharp, inflammatory like pain in my middle back. This pain was also driving my stomach up a wall. I have been prone to viral infections in my back before, which often cause cold like symptoms, and chalked it up to most likely being that. I hate when I’m wrong.

Not that you all need or want to know this, but on top of that I was having issues with burning after I went number one. Not before or during, but after. I know that’s not the mature way to put it, but probably the least grotesque. I had a test done to check for urinary issues and viruses, per the doctor's request, thinking they would show what was up and she could just give me antibiotics. They all came back negative, so I went to the doctor, still thinking I would end up on a round of antibiotics in the end.

She looked me over and felt around on my back and what not, already knowing that I didn’t have any viruses per the prior testing. The one major thing she saw that was wrong was that my back was hot and heavily inflamed. The pain I’m having is nothing like muscle pain. It goes deeper than that and makes it hard to sit back against it or stand for any amount of time. Basically, I can lay on my side or my stomach, not move a lot and ice it pretty consistently. Freaking dance party, right?

Because of where the pain and swelling are located, and the post urination burning, she believes it’s a kidney problem. However, after some additional evaluation, it doesn’t seem as if I have kidney stones. She ordered more tests to find out for sure.

Also, I know I’ve mentioned before that the doctors are positive, because of my symptoms and a pre-cursor disorder, that I have an autoimmune disorder. The problem with those disorders is that they can often take years to declare themselves in blood tests. Being that I literally had twenty six tests done last year alone, not counting the blood test, and close to fifty in the last three years, they’re positive there is nothing else going on that could cause the symptoms I’m having. Yes, I do have a condition with my heart, but it’s not one that would cause all the issues I’m having.

So, if this ends up not being a kidney disorder, we have to chalk it up to having to do with the autoimmune disorder, which is good and bad. It’s good, because it may be another piece in the puzzle to finding out exactly what is going on with my body to treat it. This may be the disorder declaring itself. However, if it does have to do with that disorder and it does not declare itself, they really don’t know what to give me to treat it. They have to be careful when they give me medications, because without knowing what I have, some medications make certain kinds of autoimmune conditions angrier than they already are. They are pretty sure they know what’s going on, but since they don’t have it on a lock, it’s pretty frustrating.

Also, the way that I understand, certain autoimmune disorders are also considered connective tissue disorders. They believe fully that what I have is connective tissue. That being said, apparently that means my tissue is already preempt to swell. So, overall, this issue could be simply that. I could have a mass of tissue swelling around my kidneys, as well as where the sun doesn’t shine, which will cause burning after going to the potty.

Another possibility is something that I’ve mentioned before. I have a polyp in my gallbladder. This was found due to me having severe pain in my right side and back, around the same area where my pain is now, only now it’s on both sides, and the whole burning after going potty thing is totally new. When said polyp, which I shall now refer to as Lenny, since it’s annoying and obviously has to be a boy, was first discovered, they had the concern that it could be cancerous because of the kind of polyp it was and where it was located in the gallbladder.

I had to wait six months to get another ultrasound done. I was told one of two things would happen with said ultrasound. Lenny would either grow, and if he did, they would go in and remove him and test him to see if he was cancerous, since he was too small to test as was. And, most likely, if he did grow, he was cancerous. Or, Lenny would not grow at all, and if he didn’t, they would know for sure he wasn’t cancerous. This seemed simple enough, although the six month wait sucked monkeys. I mean no offense to monkeys.

I go back in for the scan and what does Lenny do? Lenny shrinks. Apparently this was a really rare occurrence and mostly unheard of for a polyp. Four doctors ended up in the room marveling over a shrunken Lenny. No one knew what to make of him. I just thought he was magic.

It had already been mentioned that I would have to have my gallbladder taken out since I was prone to polyps, and strange ones at that. He wanted to wait until we got whatever autoimmune issue that was going on at bay, since it can be an adjustment to lose a gallbladder. A few months ago, said gallbladder started hurting me pretty badly and he suspected he may have to take it sooner rather than later.

I made an appointment to go in, but a lot of bad weather happened and what not, making my appointment get pushed back to next month. It’s been a long, hard winter, folks. Then, with my car dying and having to work around my mom’s schedule, that just didn’t help things any. Either way, it’s possible this is a gallbladder issue. I knew prior to now that I was going to that appointment basically to find out if I would be having the gallbladder surgery sooner than later. If this all ends up being because of my gallbladder, and things have gotten this bad because I had to keep canceling my appointment and rescheduling, Lenny and I are going to have to have a pretty hefty talk about his self righteousness.

The ironic thing about all of this is that my grandma had an autoimmune disorder. This is mostly why they believe I have one, too, because they believe they are hereditary, but can skip a generation. As time went on, I started to notice my symptoms were mimicking my grandmother’s, which is why I chose to go to the same doctor as her. And as that doctor would say, we are both certainly her weird patients. She can never predict what our bodies are going to pull. Even with grandma having passed, I’m noticing more symptoms and more similarities to her condition. I have literally had every single test that she had done, only five years after her. She also had her gallbladder removed a few years back for similar symptoms that they originally believed was a kidney condition.

Considering what she had, and them thinking I have it, too, I am not amused. If I do have what she has, it will be the thing that kills me. That’s not to say I will die tomorrow; I could live a full, long life, but unless I die in a freak accident, it’s guaranteed that will be what kills me like it did her. She got it when she was older and was in remission for ten years prior to her death. I really hope I don’t have what she had. No offense, Gram.

Along with that long, drawn out explanation of understanding, I also hope that answered Zoe’s question, as she asked me how they could not know what’s wrong with me. That’s the basic reason. Also, Zoe, I am glad you did not get sick and that you had a great time at the Paul McCartney concert. I want to hop on over to your blog and see if you wrote about the experience just as soon as I’m only half cranky and don’t have my phasers fully set to crank. I am totally appreciating your imaginary cards. I also promise to put up a snippet of my novel as soon as I know the copyright is taken care of. I am equally excited to see some of your very own work!

Tuesday I had my blood work done. I should have the results tomorrow or Friday. I also have a script to have an ultrasound done to check out my kidneys and the surrounding area. If everything comes out clean, they’re going to do a cat scan.

This is where my story of the day comes in. Oh, you thought I was just writing this to complain about how sucky I feel? Heck no. I dang near got myself a story, folks. Sorry. I’m sure you could have gotten the point without me going all southern on you.

As I just mentioned, I have to have an ultrasound done. I know I’ve expressed before that I always go to a set of hospitals and doctors forty five minutes to an hour and a half away from here, depending on traffic. It’s a long way to travel just for an ultrasound, I know. I also know I’ve said several times that I won’t use the doctors around here, but never explained why. Well, for those of you who have wondered, today is your lucky day.

Let’s go back a few years when I was having issues with my heart beating rapidly, passing out because of it, chest pain, etc. I was going to a neurologist at that time for a foot injury, and he’s the one that ended up finding out I had a PFO in my heart. At first we thought the symptoms I was having were neurological because of the nerve damage to my foot, but after the tests confirmed that was not so, he suspected my heart. He gets a point. Him I like.

Naturally, because I am in an area where they are four hospitals within twenty to twenty five minutes from here, and we are polluted with doctor’s offices, I went to a doctor at a local, well known hospital. I took all the tests that had been done, along with a list of my symptoms, and a referral from my neurologist saying he suspected there was also an underlying issue with my heart causing it to act the way it has been, which is like a three year old child with incurable ADHD.

I got in the office, was called back a half an hour after my appointment, waited forty five more minutes for the doctor and then he finally arrived. He got in his chair, looked at all my previous records and then looked at me, laughed, and said the following. “I’ve never had anyone come to me that doesn’t actually have anything wrong with them.” He then walked out of the room. He didn’t even examine me. What’s so great about this was it was the hospital he worked for that did the test that found the PFO in my heart, since my awesome doctor referred me there for testing. This was strike one for this particular group of health care services, Excela Health. They excel at suck.

Being that Excela ran almost all the doctors offices in the area, I went to another doctor. The other doctor said I did have an issue with my heart, but she was unsure what to do about it, or how to find out what was going on exactly. You’re a cardiologist. How do you not know how to find out? I was pretty frustrated at this point.

Not two months after this, I had a TIA. Only, when I went to the same hospital I started out at for this, all they did was drug test me. Yes, you heard me. They drug tested me down to Tylenol, despite the fact that there were three adults there telling them I did not do drugs. When they couldn’t even find Tylenol in my system, they sent me home, but did nothing to help me except they had given me a sugar water drip while I was there. Then, they billed me $5000 in drug testing. I refused to pay, found out that by law, they could not just drug test me like that with three people there saying I did not do drugs, and without looking into any other issue. I threatened legal action and suddenly they told me not to worry about paying that bill. Funny how that works.

I realize most of you are wondering why I went to that particular hospital, given my issues with Excela. The reason was my mom was not home, nor did she have a cell phone at the time. It was Aunt Bev’s ex-husband who happened to call here and realize something was wrong because I couldn’t form any words correctly. He came and got me and took me to the closest hospital. This shouldn’t have been a problem since they were the ones who discovered the PFO in my heart, and had all of my records since the doctors I had gone to were within their health care system.

This is when we realized we would have to go to the doctors in the health care group further away. I can not say enough good things about the doctors outside of Excela, and how it's more than worth the drive. I really can not. I got a new cardiologist, who literally went into my heart and realized I had a few issues going on. I also went to gram’s doctor and she discovered my blood disorder. When they put them together, they realized I was a perfect candidate for a TIA, and they were both positive that’s what I had that day.

They sent me to another doctor who specializes in this issue. He is currently monitoring my heart on a consistent basis. The reason being, with the PFO and the blood disorder, it is possible for my blood to get thick and stick in the PFO, since it is but a small hole. If that happens, it will cause me to have a TIA, or a full blown stroke. Right now, the PFO is just under the FDA regulation size for them to be able to fix it, and even if it wasn’t, with the other issues I have with my heart, they don’t know if they would be able to do the procedure without actually doing open heart and stopping my heart to install the umbrellas, which is total overkill for the procedure.

However, I have arrhythmia, meaning my heart could speed up at anytime while trying to install the umbrella if they do the procedure without opening up my chest and temporarily stopping my heart, breaking off a piece of said umbrella and dropping it into my blood stream. This is bad enough, because it could cause a blood clot, but with my blood disorder, it’s almost guaranteed that that’s what would happen. If it does, and they were unable to repair the PFO because the umbrella broke, it’s possible the blood clot could go through that PFO and to my brain. It’s one big circle, but he still wants to monitor my heart, because there’s the concern that one day I will get a clot, or my blood will get thick enough that it does stick in that hole, and I won’t just have a TIA; I have a full blown stroke. That’s what we’re trying to prevent.

If this information wasn’t enough to discredit Excela, who ignored me, drug tested me, and told me I was fine, my grandma had to get an MRI done. Because she could no longer drive herself and we were the only ones willing to take her to the other group of doctors further away, she decided to have the MRI done at the same hospital I had the issues with. After all, how badly could they screw up her MRI?

The MRI was of her brain, and shortly after getting it done, we got a panicked call from her saying they found a tumor in her brain, and it was large. This wasn’t what they had gone in looking for, but this is what they had found. We made an emergency appointment to go see the awesome doctor who had requested the MRI, only to have her redo the MRI since Gram had no symptoms leading her to believe there was a brain tumor. She found that what she suspected was going on, and had sent my grandma in to get tested for, was correct, and my gram did NOT have a brain tumor. The machine malfunctioned, but after the hospital found that out, they didn’t feel it necessary to call and tell her doctor that their machine malfunctioned that day. No, the doctor had to call them and tell them they did another MRI and there was no tumor, only to be told by them that they knew this, their machine had malfunctioned. FAIL!

I know you’re wondering why I’m also telling you all of this, so I will get to that now. Recently, Excela bought out the other two hospitals that were not previously owned by them, as well as any health facilities in the area. I was aware they had bought out the hospitals, but not the facilities.

I decided that, instead of going the whole way out to the great hospital to get an ultrasound done, I would simply go to this one medical complex twelve minutes away that I had gone to previously for such things. It was easier and they were efficient. I went to pull up their number, only to find that now it was a 1-800 number, which confused me. That was until I called.

Imagine my surprise when I was alerted that the complex was now owned by Excela, and I did not, in fact, call that complex. Oh no, I had called a main line for that Excela, and would no longer be able to just call that complex. I would have to call Excela, and they would take care of all scheduling from now on in. This was going to go wrong somewhere, I could feel it, so I did the only thing I could; I groaned, but decided to stick it out, because I had gone there before, liked the employees, assumed they were the same, and thought that I would be okay to go there. This was stupid on my part, I know.

The first person I got said she was just an operator and transferred me. I waited another three minutes for someone else to pick up. When they did, I told them the situation. The lady on the phone asked me several times to read the script to her. I did. She asked me several more times. Then she put me on hold to call and talk to the complex that I could no longer call, because she couldn’t figure out what kind of ultrasound I needed done. I was ready to hang up, but I hung in there. No pun intended, promise.

After seven minutes, she got back to me and told me she still couldn’t figure out what kind of ultrasound I wanted, and she would have to call my doctor's office. Then she hung up. At this point, I knew I would not be going there and would be going further away to the hospital I trusted to have this test done. I mean, everything on the script was in medical coding, meaning it should go into the system and even if she didn’t know what kind of ultrasound I was getting, the place where I was getting it would. I had never had this problem with this complex before...until, you guessed it, Excela took over.

I called, told the hospital I normally go to what was on my script, and got an appointment in less than three minutes on the phone. No fuss, no mess, no issues. They knew what I needed done.

A little while later, the lady from Excela calls me back, tells me that she called my doctor's office and they had no record of the script or anything about me, for that matter. That was funny, because I was holding the script in my hand. And that’s when I realized it; she never bothered to get a phone number or anything for my doctor off of me. She asked me what doctor I went to, but there is more than one doctor with that same last name in the area. Who knows who in the hell she called. One thing is for sure, not only are the people in Excela incompetent, but the people who work for them probably need someone to feed them, too. No, I don’t feel this is mean. It’s their job to know this stuff.

I will keep you all updated on what is going on as soon as I know, and am not cranky. Let me note I am also having a ton of random swelling in my gums, and if I don't keep them iced, I am in serious pain no matter what I take. This really makes me cranky. So I apologize for the crankiness.

Vivi Ann, if you ever come to the US, you are welcomed to visit me. I also hope to proof and have a special post about you up very soon.

The Post Naming Committee Is On Vacation

I am sorry for being lame and not posting all the posts I have sitting on my computer just waiting to be posted. Just a quick update as to why.

Last week I got a cold. I knew by the way I was feeling that it wasn't so much of a normal cold as something else going on with my body with a hint of a cold on top of it. I just did not feel right. I was not up to proofreading anything and just in general was having a rough time this week.

Today I went to the doctor expecting a round of antibiotics or something of the sort, but I did not end up getting the good news I wanted. The doctor was sincerely stumped by my symptoms except for two options. One is that there is something seriously wrong with my kidneys. Two is that my connective tissue disorder is more intense than they thought and causing very painful flair ups with my body. I am going to be going for more testing. She's starting out with non invasive testing, but if it shows nothing it will have to come to that.

Please forgive me if I don't update for awhile. I am just simply not feeling up to it physically or emotionally. I am truly sorry. When I get some time where I'm feeling okay, I promise that I will post.

On a better note, I'm pretty sure that in my sickness I concocted the most hysterical character in the history of really odd characters that aren't quite right upstairs. She even bites. I know this doesn't sound so good, but I promise it is. Maybe when I feel better I'll disagree with this notion.

iGo For A Walk - Part Three

Before I conclude the saga that is my walking adventures, I would like to tell you all that I haven’t taken a walk since I started posting this series. It hasn’t been on purpose. I either have not been home, it’s been too stinking hot, or it’s been raining like mad. The irony of this is not lost on me. Bet me that tomorrow I will definitely go for a walk now that I’ve posted the last part of this. And it won't even be on purpose.

Since I have spent the last two posts of this series showing you pictures and telling you all about the paths I walk, I will spend this last post in the series telling you about the compilation of “exciting” things that have happened to me while on my walk. Oh baby, I don’t know if you can all handle this. Grab those inhalers.

Each time I go for a walk, there’s two things I know. One is that it’s going to be absolutely, pants eating exciting. I don’t know what that means either, other than it’s not going to be exciting at all, because how fun can eating pants really be? Not that fun.

Two, I will have a showdown with this little guy.

Yes, I know he’s hard to see, but squint your eyes, jump up and down on one foot and clap. You’ll see him better. Okay, no, actually you won’t, but now I’m laughing at you automatically just by picturing this, so I’m just going to ahead and assume you’re doing this, as it makes me happy. Anyway...in case you can’t see him very well, he is a squirrel in a tree. Indeed.

Now, Cassadee, how does one have a showdown with a squirrel, you ask? The truth is, I still don’t know. I find myself walk quietly down the street, minding my own beeswax, when I make my second turn and come across Sir Squirrel. This happens every single time in the very same place, so by now I’m prepared.

Sir Squirrel is normally at the base of the same tree, or hanging out of it. As he sees me get closer, he gets a little antsy. Sorry, Sir Squirrel, I did not mean to refer to you as an ant. Anyway, he will start to make odd noises and act erratically, but not like he’s going to attack, more like he’s upset that I’m there because people give him panic attacks. Hey, for all I know, maybe they do.

I will start to go to the other side of the road just so I don’t disturb him, when all of a sudden, he’ll start to dart to the other side of the road. This is when the standoff occurs. He stops and looks at me, I stop and look at him, and we spend a few minutes dancing back and forth until I finally stop and let him choose which way he’s going to go, and then go the opposite way.

The good news is that when I come back, he just stares me down, which is how I got his picture. It’s not a good picture, because how dare I get too close, but still, it’s a picture. Let’s all take a moment to silently thank him for that. Oh, and all virtual acorns can be sent in the comments, and I will be sure he gets them. I am also assuming it’s a he. I don’t really know. Go with me on this one.

I would also like to take a break and tell you all a short story about my history with squirrels. This whole crazy squirrel showdown does not surprise me because I have a history of flipping out squirrels. In my previous experience the squirrel actually pulled one over on me. Yeah...you read that right.

I used to pet sit, which undoubtedly gave me plenty of stories to tell, both normal and paranormal. I will get to those one day, but for right now I’m going to focus only on the squirrel. Trust me, it’s worth it. This may be the only time you ever hear those two sentences together.

The one house I was pet sitting at was way back off the road, sitting up against a river and covered in trees. There wasn’t one part of the yard that the sun touched, because it was gorgeously draped in tree branches. The cats were kept in a large shed designed specifically for them. I had just fed them and was heading back to my car, when I heard squeaky sound from above me. It actually sounded like laughter, but I knew it was an animal.

As I went to look up I was pounded by acorns. As soon as it stopped, I looked up to see a squirrel on the tree above me, making the laughing noise again. I only got a short look at him, because he started pounding me with acorns again. Then he laughed...again. I swear to goodness he was laughing. I looked up again and he was kind of standing on his two little back legs, making the sounds. Yeah, he was laughing.

I decided to just ignore him and walk to my car. As I did, he followed me from the trees above, making his little laughing sound and dropping acorns on my head. By the time I got to my car I actually wanted to high five the little guy. He was all kinds of awesome. Any squirrel that can follow someone and drop acorns on their head, while sounding like they’re laughing, is completely cool in my book.

I have in my notes that I had the crap scared out of me by a bird and screamed. Boy, I wish I could remember that incident. It takes a lot to make me scream, but apparently a bird did so. I would love to find it and bake it a cake of birdseed or something. I think it’s deserved.

While I was walking, I’m pleased to announce that I made two friends. Not one, but two. I was quite popular, and this was all on the same day. So, as you can tell, I exceed at making friends. Just wait until you hear what kind of friends I made.

The first friend was a fly. Yes, a fly. Now, I’ll be totally honest with you, I have some reservations about exactly what kind of friendship it was he wanted. He was all up in my business, and I really feel like he may have been doing one of two things. One, he was stalking me. Two, he was riding me way too close for having not bought me dinner first. Either way, a friend is a friend. Eventually he got too friendly and I hate to bat him, and then he left. I am a lady of class and his behavior was not befitting of that.

A little later, someone wasn’t watching their very adorable dog. Within seconds it was charging at me. I debated if I should run, hide or both, not knowing this dog and if it was running at me nicely, or with malice intent. Turns out, it just wanted hugs. Lots and lots of hugs. The problem became getting it to go back home instead of following me, but alas the owner noticed his dog was missing and came after him. I have to say, I wouldn’t have been to sad if it followed me home. It was a good hugger.

Here in Pennsylvania, we have a type of bird that we call deer-legs, because they have long, splayed legs and run all over the place. I spent awhile looking for them online, and for some reason, I can’t find a picture of them to find out what they’re actually called. I assume they’re indigenous to this particular region, as I’ve never seen them anywhere else, but I can’t be sure. If I find out for sure, I will let you know. They look very similar to sanderlings, but considering the region, that can't be what the actually are.

That’s neither here nor there, but what is important is that they are strange little birds. It’s rare to see one fly, because what they actually do is run around, often in groups, but sometimes all by their little selves, and yell loudly as if pandemonium is coming their way, yet you never see anything particularly worthy of such actions happen to them. The long short of it is that they have little bodies, big legs, yell a lot, and they specialize in running in front of you as you walk down the road while yelling. I have no idea why they do this, but I think they have Chicken Little syndrome. They are odd little birds.

But alas, in the wiles and the whims of the random places in the USA that I could walk, there is where I live, thus where I walk. I know it’s not exciting, and it’s not glorious, but I did pick you some flowers to thank you for hanging in with me on this very exciting, exclusive series. See, here’s your flowers.

And last but not least, I shall leave you with the stretch of the road that always brings me home. While a deer-leg runs in front of me and yells, of course.

And Nine Interplanetary Conventions

I know I've been slacking on my blogs, and tonight I'm even going to cheat when it comes to posting. The funny thing about this is, you would all assume I was slacking because I had nothing to write about. Actually, it's just the opposite.

I have nine posts written out, and enough notes of things that have happened to make at least five more. This is truly the case of having so much going on, and so many weird and funny things happening, that I can't keep up. I keep writing out new posts, and then running out of time to proofread and post them. Then, I had the cold from Heck, a legal place in my mind, for five days, and a million things to do, which just led to more funny things happening, but not feeling like writing or posting them, so I ended up playing catchup. As opposed to Ketchup. Okay, bad joke. I'm sorry.

I also have to post part three of iGo For A Walk, which, let me not even lie, I haven't even written yet. All this crazy stuff keeps happening, and I keep writing it down as it happens, and other things get pushed back. It's pure insanity, I tell you! *Insert panic attack here, only not really* I also wrote out that story I promised you all a good month ago, but then decided to hold off on until the storm cleared. It's going to end up being two posts, but it's coming.

For tonight, I'm just going to regal you with fun stuff from Leverage, because, quite frankly, it's all I've got. Tomorrow looks like a good day to sit down and really hash out all this stuff, so I can start getting my posts in order. I say that now, but with the way my life is going, tomorrow I will probably end up running around to six stores and nine interplanetary conventions. I'm just saying.

For now, I leave you with my apologies, but enough stuff to make you laugh just so you'll hopefully forgive me. I super have to apologize for this one more than you think, because what you're getting was originally an e-mail to my mom and Aunt Bev to catch them up on the Leverage trend before the new season started. Yes, I'm now feeding you all rehashed stuff, but it came from my mom and Aunt Bev's inbox, and my outbox, so a little forgiveness would be awesome. If you can't forgive me, I understand. I'll be mad at me, too, just for you.

Anywho, strap yourselves in for a Leverage saga, because if you are reading this blog, you have time to a Leverage saga. The clips are short, I promise. Plus, I've explained everything, so even if you don't watch the show, you don't have to wonder what's going on. What you may have to do, however, is revert back to the Alice White Made A Friend posts from a few days ago, in order to understand a few of these clips.

For instance, this scene has to do with that post, where I explained that Parker had an alias called Alice White. You will need to refer to that post so this makes more sense, because in this scene, Eliot and Sophie are trying to teach Parker (the blonde) how to be personable with people. Eventually they give up and tell her that Alice has to be personable with people and she gets it...a week later. However, this is at the beginning of the process. Parker has spent her life in foster homes and then she took off on her own after she had enough of the abuse, so to say she is socially inept would be an understatement. She is a thief by trade to survive, and has no idea how to persuade anyone to do anything. She says it like it is, and if she has to talk someone into doing something, she does it by threatening them, or saying the most crude thing she can to get them to do it. This scene is an awesome example because, even with as well as Eliot knows her, he completely falls for it. She is just that good at what she does and says. And no, Sophie doesn't usually dress like that. She just came off of doing a con and decided since she is the ever persuasive drifter of the group, getting people to believe anything she wants, she should be the one to teach Parker how to take after her.

At this point in the show, Eliot has had to tell Parker that she and Alice are the same person about a half dozen times. He is not a gentle person, so he's about had it up to his ears with her. Sophie is a moderator, often acting like a parent between the two.

Clip 1 - Power of Persuasion

By far, the two funniest characters on the show are Hardison and Eliot. Hardison is funny because, well...he's just funny, and he reminds me of Gary, a character on What I Like About You, whose signature line was "oh my damn." Eliot is funny because he's supposed to be scary, but really he's just confused most of the time because no one listens to him, so he just beats anyone up that looks dangerous and apologizes if it wasn't the right person. Anytime Hardison and Eliot get put together, nothing good can happen. In this scene, Eliot has kidnapped a cadaver, and he and Hardison have to insert liquid into his brain so that when an MRI is done on him, it will show up like he has a brain tumor. There's really not much that Eliot won't do or hasn't done, which is shown by the way he "sets down" the needle right in the corpse, but apparently this is his limit. On the other hand, when it comes to being hands on, there's not a lot Hardison has done and he's visibly softer natured than Eliot, so naturally they settle this like men.

Clip 2 - Rock, Paper, Scissors

Highjacking a fashion show became a good idea somewhere along the line. This is where you would normally expect Hardison to fit right in, since he can blend in with anything fairly easily because he's so easy going. This is also where you would expect Eliot to dress in torn clothing and not fit in at all, which is normal for him regardless of a con, unless Hardison makes him an outfit and forces him to wear it, which is really a whole other story altogether. The tables turn when Eliot decides he knows what fashion is. Hardison tries not to die of laughter on the spot. The other girl in this scene is Tara. She's filling in for Sophie while the actress who plays her takes maternity leave. So just pretend she's Sophie. There's two things to keep in mind while watching this. One: Hardison is one hundred percent terrified of Eliot and hates confrontation. Two: Tara is not afraid of Eliot, but he is afraid of her. Which is new, because he's not really afraid of anyone, but because she's not afraid of him, he's afraid of her.

Clip 3 - Guyliner
And yes, he wears the guyliner through the rest of the show. It takes a hell of a man.

The guy who created, writes and produces this show actually has a blog where he tells about his experiences on the show. This scene apparently became a big joke between the cast and crew. I'll let you watch it and then I'll explain why.

Clip 4 - Darts
The clip obviously called for Eliot to look away from the dartboard but still hit the target. They gave the guy who plays him darts and told him to just throw them and don't worry about where they land, obviously. Apparently he threw two in a row and hit the target both times without looking. This was also apparently the day everyone decided not to piss him off.

As for Parker slapping guys butts, she was stealing their wallets. Eliot slapped her butt not because he was supposed to, but because he knew it would irk her, and it's not often that he gets to do anything but make sure she doesn't get in trouble. On top of that, Parker likes Eliot, but is generally disgusted by Eliot because he's used to getting what he wants from woman. She's not afraid to tell him about it, which usually ends in him being disgusted with her when he has to babysit her, which is constantly. This sounds grim, but in the half dozen scenes where he is carrying her away from doing something stupid and she's kicking him in the background of a scene, while no one notices this going on, it becomes really funny.

Picture it, a beautiful mansion, 2008. The team is running a con during a wedding. In order to do this they all have to fake being part of the wedding festivities. Sophie is the wedding planner, Parker is the assistant, Hardison is the DJ, Nate is the stylist and Eliot is the chef. I'm pretty sure the rest of it explains itself.

Clip 5 - "I don't know...maybe."

Eliot takes his job too seriously and he's armed with knives. Then the fabulous Nicole Sullivan comes in and ends up being the first woman to ever tell a fully armed Eliot that he sucks. Good thing she doesn't know that he beats the shit out of people / kills people for a living.

Clip 6 - "I have 200 people to feed!"

While running a con in a mental hospital, Hardison and Eliot are left on the outside, with Nate and Parker checked in as patients, and Sophie playing a doctor. They need to get inside to get a few things to Nate, and Hardison having never been able to pull one over on Eliot in a place where Eliot can't kick his ass, decides to use this to his advantage. Eliot is a ladies man and also overcompensates by trying to be too butch, so I give props to a very creative, easy going and impossible to embarrass Hardison for thinking this was a good idea. These two play this part flawlessly.

Clip 7 - "Bring yo ass."

On a side note, for those of you trying to figure out how you know the guy who plays Eliot, like I spent a ton of time doing, you may, like me, know him as the awesome husband on the short lived show Close to Home. Or, you may know him, unlike me, as Lindsey on Angel. And if that still doesn't do it and you just know you know him from somewhere, yet you can't place him, he's the lead singer / songwriter for the country band Kane. Yep, you heard me, sexy Texan boy can sing. Read it and weep.

iGo For A Walk - Part 2

Last week we talked about walking, and discovered why it is so fun to take a walk where I live. And by fun, I mean it’s much like watching grass grow, paint dry and hell attempt to freeze over, for three weeks straight. I took you along the road most traveled, so to speak, and today I’m going to show you what happens when I walk the other way. Strap yourself in, kids, because it’s going to be a hell of a ride.

When I go the other way, I first start out by seeing this. As you can tell, this walk is going to be as fun and fancy free as a person who had a practical joke played on them and they now find their shoes glued to the ground with no way of getting out of them. I think the bad analogy really adds to the feel I was going for.

After I turn the first bend, I see this. This is particularly exciting because, not only can you see the church bathroom to the far left, but you can see that the door to it is open. And you thought I was kidding about the church having bathrooms outside. Pshht. I never kid about such ridiculous things.

Ah, then we reach a straight away. Look at all them trees. Ain’t they just the most exciting trees this side of that there Mississippi?

Now this is where things really get to the fuck the what point. This picture is going to look totally normal until you really look at what’s way far away. Go ahead, look harder, click on the picture to enlarge, do a dance while you wait. Do you see it?

Yep, that’s right, there’s a bridge the size of Texas right in the middle of this quiet country road. This bridge would be fitting for say, a city with five million people, but for a road that gets a whole seven people a day, give or take the less of seven people, it’s just not appropriate. Oh, Penndot, your idiocy never fails to amaze me.

Oh, and so I don’t gip you in this post, this is what I see on my way back. Yep, nothing exciting here, just more exciting trees that don’t live in Mississippi.

Wait, wait, just in case you haven’t had enough of those fine babies, here they are again from a different angle. Go ahead, get it out of your system, I know you want to ooh and ahh yourself silly.

Also, as with the last post, I will share the exciting things I saw on my walk. Again, I ask you all to take a break, go grab your inhalers, gather yourselves collectively and prepare yourselves properly before moving on with the post.

We good?

Okay, first I will introduce you to a family of pine cones, the ones in which you may need to click on this picture to enlarge in order to see said family. From left to right we have Princess Tutu Snufflinger, the daughter, Queen Lulu Snootenhopper the mother (names are different because Tutu was technically adopted and refused to change her name to anything that had snoot in it), Prince Dirk Snootenhopper, the son, and King Heinrich Snootenhopper, the father, and also shortened to King Heiny.

So, you see, not only in this family of pine cones the idealistic American family, but they’re royalty as well. I was honored to come across them. Really...honored.

Next, I came across these flowers and thought I’d take a picture for you all because they’re pretty, pretty pink flowers. Ooh, ahh. The only thing that could make them better is if they were shiny.

Directly after the flowers, I saw this precious little bird sitting all on its own on the fence post. Much like the grinnie from the other day, we also had an agreement about how close I could get to him and how I could photograph him. And this time I’m sure it was a him because right after taking the picture his little female friend flew out of the bushes and also forced him to fly away. A man wouldn’t try to force the female away from the paparazzi, but a woman would. It’s in the nature of the beast, large or small, mammal or no mammal.

I came up on a “shed” next. You will see in a moment why I put quotation marks around the word shed. This needs no explanation. Do you see it hiding there in the trees?

And because I know one view of this beautiful piece of craftsmanship was simply not enough, I took another picture at a different angle just so you could see how well this baby was put together.

Since every walk needs a little bit of the American spirit, I present you with a high flying flag. It was momentarily flapping in the wind as I tried to catch it in all its glory, but much like Chuck Norris, you don’t forgive it, it forgives you. Let’s please take a moment of silence to do one of two things. One, put your hand over your heart and honor the flag, or two, sing “It’s A Grand Old Flag.” Your choice. We can even do one and two together and two in rounds if you’d like.

And if you feel you need to do three, which is blow up the picture to see the flag, then by all means, go on ahead.

As I rounded out my walk, I came across a groundhog who thought he was a prairie dog, what with standing up and all. I don’t really know if it was a he and I didn’t bother to look, but for the sake of the story he’s a boy named Mann. Because I took this picture from a non proverbial bridge, and not the one the size of Texas, but another one over a creek, I couldn’t exactly get close enough to get a great picture of him. For that and not doing him justice, I am sincerely sorry. I am working on an apology letter to him now since he’s the only one who really wanted his picture taken and I let him down.

Now that you’ve seen the preciousness that is the species confused him, I ask you for your opinion on the following letter.

Dear Mann,
I am so sorry that I couldn't get a better picture of you. I tried, I really did, but there was a kitten in a tree and it had a cold, so I had to get it a Kleenex. This is not a lie, which may or may not be a lie in itself. I ask only for your forgiveness and for you to come closer to the road next time so I can take a better picture. No, wait, a take that back. Don’t come near the road. No. Gravel is bad. Bad I tell you. Whatever you do, DON’T COME NEAR THE ROAD!!!
Your New Friend Who Let You Down,
Cassadee

Think it will suffice? I left out the part about him being confused as to what animal he really was because I didn’t feel it necessary to insult him, but depending on his reaction to this particular letter, I may bring it up. Someone should tell him and it’s obviously not going to be his friends. I’m like the best gay guy to the animal world, setting them straight one species at a time.

Now that you’ve seen my two options for walking paths, and yes, these are the only two I have, I’m sure you can understand just why it is that I get so bored so very quickly. If not, then you come live here and I'll go live where you live. We’ll do a whole Parent Trap switch. I can dye, cut, or add extension to my hair; whatever is necessary. I can also learn a new language, but I’m not great with British accents. Just a little FYI there, but I’m still willing to try.

I would also like to point out that, if you’re really gun ho on taking a walk here, that there are two major differences that you need to know when picking a route to walk. If you take the first route, you can’t hear any of the turnpike traffic at all, making it so quiet that you’ll go out of your mind and start making music videos about singing trees eating lollipops, therefore making Lady Gaga seem totally, completely sane.

But, if you choose to go the other way, you can hear turnpike traffic for about a third of your walk. It really shakes things up, let me tell you.

We will conclude this series with one more post, where I am to regal and amaze you with tales of excitement that have been endured while walking. Get your oohs and ahhs ready; it’s going to be a bowl full of jelly.

And before I forget to add this, because it's me and I will, the amazing Miss Zoe asked me a question on FormSpring:

What gives you the inspiration to write?

A lot of different things. It depends on what I'm writing. Mostly emotions.
For my novel, it was that I felt like there was a part of me that no one saw. I wanted to write it out all, so I created a character that says and does everything that I want to, but could never say and do, and it took a life of its own. When I need out of my own head and insecurities, I write.
Other times, something I see on a television, or a character on a show will give me an idea or inspiration. I'll see a scene and immediately my mind comes up with a play on it, a play on a character, or an idea based off of it and I end up with an entire idea and just go for it.

Alice White Made A Friend

*Hands Up* I admit it. I'm guilty. It was all my fault.

I didn't post the next two parts of iGo For A Walk yet. But...but I can't explain!

I have been super busy the past few days, and/or not home very much. I will get into that in a minute, but I want to assure you that as soon as I have time to sit down and load all the pictures for the next segment into the blog, I will add part two of iGo For A Walk. Loading pictures on Blogger takes forever, which is why I haven't gotten around to posting that yet.

This would be a good place for me to add that part of me being busy when I am home may or may not have to do with my new guilty pleasure, Leverage. I can not get enough of it. The show, the characters, the cast, the lines...so perfect. It's truly the case of the right people for the right parts, and don't get me started on how funny Hardison is, and how Eliot is unintentionally funny because he's the shortest of the group, but largely built, and then he's all tough and what not and the things he says end up being funny when he's not trying to be funny at all. Here, I shall share one of my favorite moments with you all.

For those of you who have not seen the show, there's a character named Parker. She is socially inept and only knows how to get by, by thievery and being extremely blunt and scaring people. It is basically an unspoken rule that Eliot, who is referred to as The Hitter, because he beats everyone up, is to keep an eye on her because she often goes outside the team and tries to do things her own way. This ended up in her almost decapitating Eliot, therefore, when one of her identities got called in for jury duty, she was forced to go as punishment, instead of allowing Hardison to hack the system and get her out of it, which is what would normally be done.

The whole time she was on jury duty, she couldn't grasp the fact that she and her other identity, Alice White, were the same person. Let me explain quickly that the other identity was made for her by Hardison, who is a hacker, to keep their Robin Hood like lives under the radar. All of the members of the team have alternate identities, and this was the first time anyone had to use one.

After each day of jury duty, Parker would proceed to tell the team what Alice did that day. Eliot keeps Parker in check, so he explained to her about a half a dozen times that she and Alice were the same person, but for some reason she could not grasp that. Eliot and Sophie even attempted to give her lessons on how to be a nice, gentle, caring, friendly human being, but she couldn't grasp it until they told her to make Alice be a nice, gentle, caring, friendly human being. Then it made sense and she was able to do it.

At the end, while sitting around the table, she gets a text. Her exact response is: "One of the jurors wants to meet Alice for coffee! Alice made a friend!" She was genuinely excited for Alice.

Eliot, who was sitting next to her, turned around in his chair and very seriously, and in the nicest tone possible, which wasn't easy for him since he's used to beating people up and not having to explain things gently, responded with: "One more time, YOU made a friend, NOT ALICE!"

It took Parker a few seconds, but she smiled and went: "Aww, Alice made a friend." Eliot turned around and just shook his head. She honest to goodness did not get that she and Alice were the same person. Gosh, I love this show!

If you haven't seen it, here is a scene featuring Hardison and Eliot that captures the exact essence of the entire show in just over two minutes. "Well, somebody's gotta fight the injured. Shoot, that's my niche." If you see this clip and you still don't want to watch the show...I just...I can't compute that. I'm sorry.

Also, tomorrow I am going back out with Aunt Bev to look for a car, therefore, I will soon have a story about that. I mean, I know I'm foreshadowing and taking a guess, but it's Aunt Bev, and my mom will be there for awhile, too. There's no way there's not going to be a story. I still have a story to type up about the last time I went to look at cars with Aunt Bev. Gees, this whole Aunt Bev needs a new car thing is becoming a saga. A word journey, if you will. Nope, can't get enough of that link.

Anywho, regarding the whole being busy and attempting to have a life thing; I shall start by telling you that my mom's computer passed away. This was a real shock considering the computer she was using had died once before, prompting us to get a new computer, and when that one finally died, we dragged the first one back out and I rigged it to work, but it barely worked. Truth be told, the thing was seven to ten years old, so it deserved to take a dirt nap by now.

Now, for those of you that have been here at Ruby Red Hearts for awhile, you know my mom is technology inept, which immediately meant that I was going to have to go computer shopping with her. And by with her, I mean I was going to have to go and she was going to just kind of follow me around and ask me to make a decision for her. She wanted a Mac, and that would have been easy because there's only one company that makes Macs, but she had to get a PC because some of her work programs don't work with Mac. It's all very confusing, but one day supposedly soon, which obviously means three years from now, they're supposed to make their programs work with Mac, so she ended up with a refurbed PC.

Does anyone else think of a Furby when they see the word refurbed? That's just me again, isn't it?

On an ADHD inspired, random side note, who would want to have an affair with Al Gore? I mean...eugh! No offense Al Gore, but eugh!

Let's just go back to the story and pretend like the last two paragraphs didn't happen, okay? I'm willing to if you are, too.

We purchased the computer from a local store that I had been to a few times in the last couple of months. I've never needed to go to a computer store until recently, and somehow keep ending up back there. I'm okay with this, because the one guy who works there is good to look at. Hey, I'm a single lady, sue me for looking! I've admired him for awhile, and although I am normally a chicken-shit, I talk nerd with him. I'm not a chicken-shit when I'm talking nerd. I feel like Spencer Reid ala this conversation:

Morgan: "When you're talking, what makes you feel like an expert?"
Reid: "Statistics."
Morgan: "NO!"

Yesterday, while my mom was in spitting distance, hot computer guy and myself got to talking. We had quite a nice talk, then we bought a computer and left. When we got in the car, I was informed that hot computer guy basically asked me out. Did I realize it? No, no I did not. Would I have realized it if my mom hadn't told me? Never. At twenty-four, this is what I'm working with. I really don't wonder why I don't date.

Maybe I should find a reason to go back there and chat him up? I'm probably too chicken-shit, but the idea is lovely.

After computer shopping, my mom ran to work, then came back and I went to see my friends in concert. They are awesome and you should all check them out. I used to be in a band with three of them, and I love them all dearly, mostly because every single one of them are great guys. Also, STOP GROWING UP ALREADY, GUYS! Gees, I've known three of you for four years, when you were all in your teens and now you've all GRADUATED and are GROWING UP! Stop it! Seriously! Just stop! I expressed this to one of the member's moms and she agreed. I officially think like a mom. Awesome.

I would also like to add that last night was easily the weirdest night of my life. Let me not even get into how or why, but I am apparently really shy and felt really old at their concert. Awesome again. Plus, other age related strange things happened and it was just all kinds of weird. I like weird, though. It kind of follows me around like a cute little puppy dog on a spring day. You get used to it after awhile.

I would also like to take a moment to have some girl talk, since I think most of my readers are girls. That's a lie, I think all of you are girls, so if you are a boy and you're reading this, please set me straight. I will even tell you that I'll stop talking about gross girl stuff just to make you feel better, even though that's a total fib. However, if I find out guys are reading this, I will warn you before I say something girlie so you can cover your eyes.

You know how everyone always asks you what your physical "type" is when it comes to a guy? I don't know about you, but I've really never had an answer to that. There's plenty of different kinds of guys that I like, from all cultures. It's not so much about the looks of the guy as the personality. Recently, however, I found that there's a certain kind of guy who makes me melt. I found this out by watching TV, naturally, because there's not a lot of variety around here. I also found out that I need to move, but I digress.

Clearly, I am developing a pattern of liking those sexy, southern, Texan men. Specifically the Texan men in their thirties, but Texan men are just so gentleman-like and manly. Plus, they love them some ponies. I love me my ponies. I'm done loving me things, but seriously, here are a few examples.

Jared Padalecki - Not in his thirties, but close.
Jensen Ackles - In his thirties.
Christian Kane - Also in his thirties.

Ah, Texan men. Excuse me while I finish packing my stuff, swing by and pick up Becky, and move there.

I also like tall men. Maybe it's because they can reach the top shelf of the kitchen cabinets and I still have to crawl on them like a child to get to that top shelf, but I do.

I was going to end the blog here, but something happened as I went to hit post that I must share. My cat, Stitch, named after the Disney character for so many reason, was sleeping on the dog bed. Listen, he's every cliche and he loves it. All of a sudden he started twitching in his sleep and then promptly woke up hissing, and jumped from his position on his back, to his front legs and attacked. It took him a few seconds to realize he was attacking the air. He's still standing there completely befuddled about what happened.

Greta Hayley Says: Aunt Bev Is 29...Again

Why am I hiding, you ask? Well, it's a very special day here at Ruby Red Hearts!!! I can tell you what it is, but, *whispers* then you have to promise to jump up, throw your hands in the air and yell SURPRISE! when my very favorite person, other than my mommy and grandma, sees this.

HAPY BIRFDAY, ANT BEV!!!

Err...I mean...HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AUNT BEV!!!

I'm still little. Sometimes I need my mommy's help to spell things properly. It's okay, because I'm cute.

Now everyone jump out from your quiet spaces, throw your hands up and yell SURPRISE! Just like me. Ready?

1...2...3

SURPRISE!!!

For your birthday I was going to buy you a present, but I didn't have any monies, so I asked my mommy for monies and she asked me what I was going to buy you. I told her I was going to buy you a nice, hot man since you are newly single, and she said that was illegal and I could get arrested. I don't want to get arrested, so she suggested that we find you hot guys online and send you their picture. So, that's my present to you...a presentation of hot guys. Excuse me, hot, shirtless guys! (Eww, my poor puppy eyes!) But since I'm a puppy and only find other puppies hot, my mommy is going to help me put this together.

First she said we should start with Johnny Depp, because you like him. I think he's too old for you, though. You're only twenty nine, but mommy says you like older men, for some reason. *Sigh*

We looked at other older men together. And don't all of your readers start thinking dirty. I am just a little baby puppy and don't want corrupted. We thought we would add some flavor to your day and give you Shemar Moore. He's an old guy, too, but he's pretty hot, right, Aunt Bev? At least that's what mommy says. All these humans look alike to me!

Since I think older men are icky, I'm going to look for more age appropriate men for you.

How about Jensen Ackles? I'm a puppy, but even I know he's hot and more age appropriate for you. Plus, he's from Texas, and Texans like their doggies! That's what I'm told, at least.

And speaking of Texans, since you like older guys, but I still want to make sure you date someone age appropriate, how about Christian Kane? He's older, but not too old, and he's Texan, so he likes his puppy dogs!!! I'm a puppy dog! This works for me! And, mommy couldn't find a shirtless picture, so this was all the better for me. Eww, shirtless humans! I don't know how you people date those things!

Hrmm...I want to give you one more man for your birthday. Let me think some!

Okay, no, I'm out of men, so enjoy the ones that I sent you! Mommy says I can't go find him and make him date you, but remember, it's the thought that counts. Mommy also said this was such a "tough" blog to do, because she had to look at shirtless men.

Gee, you humans have some stupid sayings!

Greta Hayley Says: Smile

Greta Hayley Says

Hey Everybody,
There is nothing too awful going on that you can't take a couple of minutes and smile with me.
Come on, you know you want to.
Please? For me? For my very first segment of Greta Hayley says?

A little about me:
I am two.
I like treats, but love anything chicken flavored.
I'm usually super fuzzy, until I get groomed.
I do really silly things all of the time.
I take care of my mommy when she is sick.
I like to cuddle with kitties.
My sister, Helena, is so cool, and one day I will make sure there's a picture of her on here.
I am mommy's little angel.

I Am Not A Lawyer

Just a small update for today. Oh wait, I don't mean to say small. It's not size that matters. I meant to say that I have but a short update for today. Gah, that doesn't sound much better. Now I'm just insulting my blog. Here, let me try this again. Today, I am not going to write five pages, only one...or two. I shall try to control my word slobber.

Yesterday, my mom and I went with Aunt Bev to look at cars. I thought this would be a really interesting story, but what ended up happening was it was raining, the car ended up being a much, much higher price than Aunt Bev was originally quoted, and everyone was cranky. Aunt Bev still has no car, because now she's really torn about what to do. The car she wanted is not the price she was told, nor does it have the features she was told it would and she doesn't want to pay the astronomical price for it. Plus, the guys there were just...well, stranger than most car salesman, which is saying something.

However, the coffee was good, and by good, I mean I would go there everyday for a week pretending to buy a car and putting up with the whole schmiel of the stranger than rhinos with antlers car salesman just to drink it. Oh, and I have three small points to hit on. Not sexually, of course. Just platonically.

When I go anywhere with my mom and Aunt Bev, I like to keep them both in one place together. Every time they split up, whomever I don't go with has some awesome story about something odd that happened. Or, one of them ends up doing something they didn't realize they weren't supposed to and comes back to me giggling like a child. Basically, I'm a babysitter and bystander that expects laughter all in one. Usually I exceed swimmingly at this job, and then yesterday came along.

All of this is probably my fault, because I was looking at one of the cars in the showroom, but when I turned around, Aunt Bev was gone. She was nowhere that the eye could see. Then, my mom starts to take off. I seriously did not know what way to go. Usually I pick a way and follow that person, but considering the situation with shiny, expensive cars and what not, my brain literally shut down. I kid you not. I stood there trying to think of what way to go and who I should go after. This ended in me standing in the middle of the showroom like a mannequin. When I say my brain shut down and I couldn't function, I mean it. If my mom didn't come back, I'd still be standing there.

A little later after we all reconvened, Aunt Bev wanted to take a car for a test drive. Before we were leaving, the salesman was showing her the features of the car. One of the features was that there was a latch on the trunk so that if you got locked in there, and don't even get me started on that subject, you could pull the latch and it would free you. My mom commented that the car obviously wasn't popular with mobsters. I retorted, but first you have to prepare yourself for this, because I'm not even sure where it came from. It just came out, and the fact that this is the first thing that flew out of my mouth, quite frankly, scares me.

"I would think this car would be popular with mobsters. All a mobster would have to do was kidnap someone. Of course the person is going to try to get away, so they'll pull on that latch and jump out of a moving car. Chances are, they will die from doing so, meaning that the mobster never actually murdered the person. If the mobster would happen to get arrested, he could be charged with kidnapping and attempted murder, but not manslaughter. At most, he could get involuntary manslaughter because he didn't actually kill the person, the person died on their on reconnaissance as a result of the kidnapping."

Everyone stared. Then out came the comment about how it was no wonder someone asked if I was a lawyer the other day. Let me explain that.

The other day on Facebook my friend posted the status: If you have split personalities and one of them decides to kill the other, is it murder or suicide.

My response: It's premeditated suicide in the first degree.

The response following it: Are you a lawyer?

We had to explain to that person that I wasn't. It was just the first response I could think of. Look, I don't know where this stuff comes from. It just kind of...comes out.

Third, my mom and Aunt Bev had an adventure early in the day before I had a chance to join them. They were driving to one dealership when they came across a shopping center with around fifty police cars, a bunch of firetrucks and ambulances galore. I thought they were exaggerating with saying there were fifty police cars there. Turns out they weren't. My heart goes out to the police officers who were injured, as well as their families. I hope they make full recoveries.

On a last and final note, I would like to tell you all that, as far as I'm cocerned, and hopefully for longer than just the time being, the Friend situation is solved. I can't explain it, but as I lie here the other night, this feeling just came over me that I didn't need him anymore. Just like that.

Sure, I will always think back on the past and wonder to some degree, but the truth is, I just don't think we're meant to be together. I think at one time, in the past, we were and we missed our chance, and now it's time to move on and be honest with ourselves.

I can't live his lifestyle, and his friends are people who are going to drag him down. I want more than that. I've worked too hard to keep myself clean. I don't do drugs, I don't drink, except for an occasional glass here and there, but I've never been drunk, I don't smoke and am all around the good girl. I don't have problem with people who do other things within moderation and do it wisely, except, you know, drugs are just never good, but it's just not me. I deserve to be with someone who shares the same feeling and someone who has friends who do, too. There are plenty of mature men out there who are not looking for how many parties they can take their girlfriend to and get wasted at, but for someone to have an adult relationship with. Hanging out with their friends means going to a nice dinner, or having a movie night at home with some moderated alcohol and snacks, where no one gets drunk but everyone has a good time.

I guarantee you none of them live in Pennsylvania, but they're out there somewhere. And I will wait. I'm in no hurry and I don't have to be with someone to feel whole. I may never find someone who treats me as well as Friend always has, but the truth is, in love, that doesn't mean a whole lot if you can't live his lifestyle, or stand who he is when he's not with you, because you know what he goes and does and you don't agree with it. Two halves sometimes come out uneven and don't make a whole.

Honestly, I see myself adopted a child that needs extra attention either because of medical problems, or behavioral problems ten years in the future, and being a single mom who devotes their time to that kid. That's where my heart is. If I find myself a husband, that's great, too, but my heart is in helping kids who have gone through worse than what I have and who just needs someone who understands them. Maybe I'm just meant to take another path. I am infinitely okay with this.

iGo For A Walk - Part 1

I was going to make a big deal out of this being my one hundredth post, but then I realized my blog was probably starting to feel old, so I'm going to be polite and downplay it. Therefore, as a present to my blog, I will share some of the outside world with it since it doesn’t get out much. And by much, I mean at all.

It’s summertime again, and that means it’s time for me to get out there and go for a walk. Every summer I try to make this a habit, and it works for about three days and then I give up. There are many reasons for this; none having to do with laziness, and all having to do with the pure and utter fact that it.is.boring to walk alone. Add this to the fact that I have the attention span of a six day old with severe, incurable ADHD and you can see how I ended up making an entire set of blogs out of walking.

Oh yes, I said set.

I know that most of you are thinking. Why don’t you listen to your iPod? I can hear you all thinking it as I sit here and pure and utter silence. The thing is, I’m just not that fancy. I have no iPod. At one time I got one as a present for Christmas, but had to return it when my phone broke and I had to buy a new one. Thank goodness I was slow and hadn’t opened it yet. But that’s beyond the point. Shocked, aren’t you?

I’m the kind of girl that doesn’t mind to walk, and give me the hustle and the bustle of the city streets. I’m all over that; walking down the sidewalks with other human beings, some with dogs, some dressed badly, others that trip, while taking in the sights around me. You never know what you’re going to get from day to day, except that everyday will be completely different. The cool breeze in your hair, the people honking their horns, waiting for the do not cross sign to let you cross; in other words, excitement. I am all about that.

Then there’s where I live. You could say a town died a long time ago, but here, that would be a lie. I mean, no one died. Wait, that came out wrong; people have died, but the town itself isn’t dead. The wildlife is hopping and the trees are still growing, but people are few and far between. And let’s not even talk about the silence. I know most people like to walk in silence, clear their head, get their thoughts together, but those people have never lived here. It is so quiet that you start out clearing you mind and end up going out of it. After twenty minutes of hefty walking, my thoughts start to creep up on me and try to attack. Then it gets ugly.

Some people say they live out in the middle of nowhere, where dead silence surrounds them in masses, except for a bird or two, but few dare to prove it. That’s where this blog comes in. Over a series of three posts, I will take you through my world as is. I’ll show you the streets I walk down, the way this town stopped hopping years ago, and even more excitedly, I will tell you about my adventures in walking. Freakin’ dance party, right?

I would first like to regal you with a pictorial of what I see when I go on my walks. This will give you an idea of the exciting sights I see daily. Prepare yourself...you can’t unsee this. I know the pictures aren’t great, but they were taken on my Blackberry.

Why do I carry a phone with me while walking, you ask?I have medical problems and am sometimes famous for going down at the drop of a hat. Instead of sitting next to the road hoping that, in a twist of Enchanted like fate, the forest animals carry me back home, I can call someone.

Anywhomaburger, onto the pictorial.

First, as I start my decent off of my road, I come across this as I’m rounding a sharp turn. Don’t use all of your oohs and ahhs in one place, because there’s plenty more of this to go around.

Then, when I’ve had enough of that, I see this. As soon as I’m out of the turn, I come across it and I just can’t believe what a view I have. Look at all those people! Look at all that excitement! Could you at least pretend just for me?

You see that second turn? Oh, you do...well, when I get around that, I see this. Baby, we’re making some progress now.

After I cross the bridge in a very literal sense, I come to a fork in the road where I proceed to go left. That’s where it really gets exciting. See?

If I take five and a half more minute out of my day, I turn a corner and come to this. And no, unfortunately those brown blobs are not part of my walking tour. I added them to protect my neighbors' privacy. I don't know why I felt the need to do that, but call me dangerous, because I did!

And this turns into that...and you can see how exciting that is. It’s much more exciting than this.

Then I turn around and come back, because I’ve literally gone to the middle of nowhere. If I keep walking, I will come right out of the middle of nowhere and end up in the middle of somewhere, and I’m not so sure if I’m ready for that. I mean, I just finally got the map for the middle of nowhere that I ordered six months ago. It’s going to take another good six months to get a map to the middle of somewhere and I just don’t want to go it alone. I’m scared. Someone hold me.

As I turn around and walk back to my house, which is also in the middle of nowhere, from the middle of nowhere but closer to somewhere, things get much more exciting. Wait, prepare yourselves for this. Hold your horses, tie down your daughters and put down your food so you can feast your eyes on this.

Ah, ah, and this!

And now that you’re on the same page as me and so excited that you could pee your pants, I shall share with you the really, really exciting things I see along the way. If you feel that you can’t handle this yet, it’s okay. Although I don’t offer a recovery group for the overly excited, I do forewarn you all to take a break, walk away from the screen, and come back later when you’re really bummed out and all set to see what I have in store next.

Back? Oh, that was fast. Okay...now that you’re here, here we go.

There is a church on my walk. I know what you’re thinking, "aww, a really pretty church." No, it’s just a brick church that can fit three really tiny people if it expands itself by one pew. Oh, and its bathrooms are outside. Just saying.

I came across a grinnie. That's what we call them in these here parts. I know he or she looks awfully small in this picture, and he or she was in real life, too, which is why I circled him, or her, for your enjoyment. Plus, I couldn’t get too close to him or her because he or she was a little shy. I didn’t want to scare him or her, so we made a deal that if I took a picture from five feet away, he or she would let me, as long as it wasn’t a straight on picture so all of his friends couldn’t pick on him for getting put on a blog. That’s not cool in the squirrel world. Oops, and I mean her. She was definitely a her...I think.

After the grinnie, my eyes were immediately diverted towards this lovely pipe that sticks down in the marsh. Yes, there's a marsh on my walk. And by immediately diverted I mean I was really checking things out and there it was hiding back in there. I waved, but being as it’s metal and a little cold, it didn’t wave back.

And just because you almost had a heart attack of excitement, I urge you to go take your heart meds and calm yourself down, because not only do I have that view of the pipe, I have another view of the pipe from a different angle. Hot sex?

Hot sex indeed!

Last but not least, I learned something new on my walk, which is by far the most exciting thing of all. We all know how I like to learn things. So what is it that I learned? Well, I had the privilege of learning for the first time that someone is building a house in the middle of the woods where they think no one can see them. Oh, but I see you. You don’t fool me. You might fool my readers, whom, albeit me circling it probably can’t see it because you’re hiding so well, but you do not fool me!

Now after all of that excitement, I know what you’re wondering. You’re wondering, Amy, if it’s so boring to walk that way, why don’t you just take another route. Well, my friends, in anticipation of this question, I have prepared another post which will wipe away all of your curiosities.

Oh, and before I forget, did you get my little title pun? Did you see how punny I am? Get it, punny?

Okay, yes, even gravel got that one. But, you see, I’m using a Mac, and Macs have a thing for putting an i first. So I went there. Okay, really I was just thinking of iCarly when I did it, but who’s keeping track? Oh, that’s right, I am.