This Message Is Greta Hayley Approved

She's even sitting five feet from me, upside down, of course, and smiling. That says it all.

Last night my mom and I played the game of Life...and if it's an omen, I am screwed. Even though I'm thinking that probably doesn't cover it.

The game started out innocently enough. The first game consisted of us not remembering how to play it, having to stop and read directions and basically doing a bunch of stuff wrong. I won, but I still lost. How, you ask? I got to the finish line first and had the least money. Of course, we also finished out the game incorrectly, so it's kinda hard to say. Okay, it's not. I was broke compared to my mom. I lost. Then I decided that since we knew what we were doing, we'd play a second game correctly. This was quite possibly the worst and funniest idea ever, all mixed in one.

The game started out okay, and then I lost all my money and very quickly needed to borrow promissory notes. As my mom points out, she's never seen anyone ever need promissory notes, ever, in all the years she's played the game. That's okay, because that didn't stop me from piling them on. I needed, like, ten of them. This may not be the exact number, but it was seriously somewhere around there. I got to the end of the game, made some money, and was just able to pay them back. Only, I finished with so little money that I'd be embarrassed to tell you the exact amount.

My mom, on the other hand, hit everything lucky. She had money, a wife, and landed on all the great spaces. What's that? You want me to go back and explain how my completely straight mother had a wife? Okay...sure.

If you've been reading my blog for awhile, you're very well aware that my Mom and Aunt Bev, who are both straight, joke about how they would be the perfect couple. So while we were playing the game the first time, we were discussing how the game is morally out of date, as now gay and lesbian couples can get married, and therefore it should be just fine to marry someone of the same sex, and then adopt your kids instead of physically birthing them. My mom decided to do just that. When she landed on the spot that forced you to stop and get married, which is just so non modern, she decided to marry Aunt Bev and put another female in her car. Really, she did. I even have the text to prove it.

* We're playing Life, and my mom had to stop and collect a spouse, so she decided to marry Aunt Bev. So now her car has two girls in it.

From there, she and Aunt Bev had four kids; two boys and two girls, and the girls were twins. This was hilarious enough and definitely with the times. Upon my mom hanging out with Aunt Bev today, she came home and told me that she and Aunt Bev had a discussion, and their twins, Jessica and Jennifer, now have grown up and just moved into their first apartment together. I don't know what to say here other than Mazel Tov, and I'm not Jewish. They're not lesbians either...so it works.

I, on the other hand, had a very tragic ending to the game. No, I'm not talking about the said aforementioned losing. I'm not even talking about how I had to borrow three promissory notes to "donate" $50,000 to an orphanage because my ovaries decided to reject growing and popping out children. I'm talking about how my car finished alone. How is that possible, you ask? Well, I'd be glad to clear that up for you.

About midway through the game, my female driver, I.E. fake me, decided to jump ship. Sure, it was just a pink peg that I could have put back in the car, but I figured that the game was going so badly, that this was probably a sign, and really, she probably hadn't just fallen out like all good pegs do at one time or another. She had committed suicide. Pure, unadulterated suicide. She just couldn't take how far her family was in debt, or how many promissory notes she had. Therefore, I did her, or myself, a favor, and left her there. She was but a mere casualty of the game in Life, left right in the middle of the road on the space that informed me I had to pay interest on my promissory notes with the invisible money I did not have.

It wasn't long before the husband, somehow driving from the passenger seat, came along the space where he was forced to pay a ton of money for an inherited skunk farm that his Uncle had left him. He sincerely debated what to do, but after realizing he had also inherited on hundred cats off his Aunt earlier in the game and had to take out promissory notes for that, too, ones that he had yet to pay back, he followed in his wives footsteps and junked out on the rest of the game.

From there, my luck got good enough to finish the game with no promissory notes and little money. What I'm saying here, folks, is that the people in my car were a bad omen. The car itself, well, it did pretty damn good alone. I don't know how it drove itself. It must have had some Knight Rider type powers, but I don't question it. All I know is that I lost, but at least I didn't owe any money when I did it. I realize that's not any consolation, but it's all I got. Don't ruin this for me.

I am also just looking over my texts, because I know I sent some out about how awesomely hilarious this game ended up being, and I must share anything that I could have possibly forgotten. Which would be the following.

* Stitch also attacked the game board, so basically he's Godzilla to the game of Life.

He really, really was. We're right in the middle of the first game; the far less disastrous one, and all of a sudden, he jumped on the game board and pranced around like he owned the world. He really gave the people in the cars a good scare. He even almost managed to wreck one of the roads that was coming off, so I ended up having to tape it back down. Seriously, though, I think I should have taken out my phone and, instead of texting, video taped his rampage. It could have been the next blockbuster. Okay, fine, so it could have been an awesome re-take on Godzilla. I mean, cats are cuter than apes. It could work. Don't ruin this for me, either.

Needless to say, for my humor, this was pretty much the funniest game I've ever played in my life. No pun intended. This tops both bowling sober and being beat out by a drunk guy when Becky's and my scores were combined, and several rip roaring holiday games of Mall Madness. If you've ever played Mall Madness, this speaks for itself.

This Saturday is Leo's birthday party. Leo is my dog. Aunt Bev is coming over, and I think since we have no movie to watch on this special night like we normally do on our party nights, we shall all have to play Life AND Mall Madness just so I have something to blog about. I'm gonna try to make this happen. You with me, Ladies?

In other, much more important news, if you are the praying kind, please pray for my Grandma. She is in the hospital and not doing well. I'm not asking you to pray for things to work out perfect for her, or for all of us that really don't want to lose her, because the world is not perfect. I'm asking that you pray for what is right for her, and for God's will to work itself out. I have full faith that he knows what is right for her. I love my Grandma dearly, so please, even if you're not the praying kind, make an exception. For Grandma.

If you do, I will even share fun texts with you. Oh, screw it, I was going to do it anyway. And I apologize that I only have a few texts this time, and a very small amount of IMs, but I've barely been online / on my phone, or sociable, because there's just been so much going on. Especially emotionally with the worry about my Grandma. I'll try to make them fun, anyway. I'm just going to get to the point.

IMs, because there's more of them, but they're funnier and more pointless at the same time. Double score:

* Because ultimately, the person you're in a relationship with should be your best friend.

This starts out well enough, but in the very next sentence, in the very same IM, this is exactly what happens, steering this otherwise true thought, into muddy, uncivilized waters.

... I'm not saying you have to have slumber parties, or paint each other's nails here...but damn.

Okay, I'm totally saying that you have to have non sexual slumber parties and paint each other's nails. Because if a guy isn't willing to don the hot pink, and he can't paint your nails all pretty so you can avoid paying to get them done, then what good is he? Where's the dedication? Where's the talent?

* You know what's even weirder, is when you put x.x and I didn't see the period between them, I was all, "Is she trying to tell me something XX."

She wasn't. She was trying to make a face on the computer. You know, X-ed out eyes, X-ed out mouth? Only I liked my explanation better...

* And a love story. Supernatural: Not a love story.

Unless you think that two brothers touring the nation and whacking demons is a love story. If you do, then I really am unsure if I want to make you my best friend, or if I would literally move to another country to get away from you.

* He, on the other hand, picks pockets.

Relax. Although I know this could explain a lot of people, it's concerning someone in one of my novels, and isn't based on anyone I know. At least I don't think it is. Actually, it could be. Wait, where's my ten?

* Even if Jensen Ackles ran around without a shirt for the whole episode, it isn't worth it.

Okay, I know there's really no reason this should ever be a true statement, but you guys, there's a Supernatural episode about clowns. Even if he was naked...he is not worth an episode about killer clowns. KILLER CLOWNS! Yesh! No wonder kids hate clowns!

* ilu8 looks like a hula dance. Don't ask me why, but I see ilu8 and I think of hula dancing. Please tell me that made sense to someone, somewhere.

It made sense to Becky 3, and she agreed that ilu8 looks like hula. If I'm crazy, I'm not alone. That's all that really matters at the end of life. You're not alone. Unless you're talking the game of Life, then that's pretty much the only way to win; get more money alone than the other players.

* Toot is right up there with Uranus for me.

Listen, we've already discussed that I'm one of "those" people when it comes to Uranus. Is it really any shock that I can't hold a straight face when someone says toot?

Becky 3 and I also decided we were tired of people, so we were finding an otherwise uninhabited island and planting our own flag on it, therefore claiming it. Or stealing it. I think we settled on having to steal it, but let's just go with "claiming" it because it sounds more legal. Probably because it is. Oh, and we're also making it our own country. One island. Anyway, you can only visit us by invitation, and we figured we'll lie and try to make it sound like some really awesome retreat so that we can get celebrities to come. We've already decided on several who we will be sending our invitations to once we get the whole finding an uninhabited island and building housing on it thing taken care of. The list includes Jensen Ackles, because we want to look at him. Brendon Urie...because he amuses us with his ADHD. Pete Wentz, because we want to see what he would really do without police there to stop him, and somewhere that it was impossible for him to get arrested. In hindsight, that's probably not such a good idea. Tell us something we don't know. (Seriously, you fell for that link? Oh, and wasn't she just uber adorable with this song on Dancing With the Stars tonight?) Then we decided we could also have one old guy each, so she went with Alan Rickman, and I picked George Eads. Oh, shut up. You are so not surprised by this. In the epicness of all of this, I feel the need to share the juicy parts of our IM on how this came about.

Me: Should we start making a list of people who are allowed? I'm thinking with us it's going to be a lot of hot guys / celebs, and we're going to have to send them invitations. As creepy as that is, as long as we make them pretty, I'm convinced it will be okay. No one can hate pretty.

Becky: You're right. Pretty = good. And shiny. (There's obvious reasons we're friends here, folks.)

Me: YES! And friendly. (Can invitations really be friendly? Isn't that a human trait? Can inanimate objects take on human traits? Let's just say they can and be done with it. More on this later.)

Becky: You gotta have sparkles, too.

Me: (Regarding them being the aforementioned "friendly.") We won't be all, "Hi, we just stole an island, and we think you're hot, so you have to come." They'll say stuff like, "You're cordially invited to a very special event on: *Insert Island Name Here* We would be absolutely glorified to have you as our guest. Instead of, "Look, we have an island, you're hot, come visit." (I've also decided that the island's name is now officially Insert Island Name Here. Catchy, no?)

Becky: Yes. Oh wait...we're not kidnapping them and keeping them there? (Really, you're still curious about why we're friends. She's the genius to my evil. Or maybe that's visa versa. I'm not sure. I'll ask her. She can pick.)

Me: Umm. I mean. Well... (That should have been a no, but since we're already doing something illegal, why the heck not? Everyone needs to throw caution to the wind sometimes. Whomever coined that phrase, I'm sure is rolling in their grave now, smashing their head repeatedly off of pointy things just hoping to feel something that comes similar to the sound of their poor, dead heart breaking over the misconstrued way we're taking their words.)

Becky: I mean, they'll want to stay because it's soo awesome anyway. (Yes, soo, with two o's. I could insert a joke here, but my Mom and Aunt Bev read this blog. Besides, Aunt Bev, would you like to take this one? You, with all the articles about underwear that push you up and out, and vibrators, that you're saving for me? And when I get them, I promise to explain this better and post them on here.)

Me: Okay, look, let's do this. We're cute girls. Let's let them come to our island several at a time, so it's not creepy, and we'll just charm them. If they stay, they stay. If not, we won't make them, but we will friend them so they keep coming back, and we'll win them over in the end.

Becky: O. Okay. I like that better.

Me: I think it will work beautifully. I mean, we're charming enough to win them over.

The conversation was fairly sub par while we figured out who we were inviting, then once we figured out we were each inviting one older guy, we realized this.

Me: I think maybe we're creepy. And if those are our old guys, how old can we go before anyone else is considered an old guy? Oh god, we are. (Yes, we are creepy. But not window peeking creepy. Just verbally creepy. Okay, not even that. Just keyboard creepy.)

In the end, we decided 35 - 39 tops. I think it's obvious at our ages of early twenties, we like older guys, if that's what we're considering old. If not, I have no other reasoning for the twelve years of flexibility we've allowed ourselves.

Texts concerning Supernatural.

* This dude just said, "If it bit them in the persqueeter." And he didn't crack a smile. Is persqueeter a word?

Okay, look, it's already been discussed that I'm probably the only person who would hear this line, and instead of cracking up, immediately text someone and ask them if persqueeter was a word. You would think with a mind like that, I watch a lot of the History channel, or something, but no. I am, however, a fan of TLC, although I think the name, The Learning Channel, is an oxymoron, as all I've learned from it is how to pick a wedding dress that flatters, and what it's like to raise eight kids. Just saying...but that's not the point. The point is, persqueeter is a word. I looked it up. It does not mean ass, which I thought was an awesome initial assumption. I will not say what it means, but if you're curious, look it up on the urban dictionary. Don't say I didn't warn you.

* Last night I woke up to the theme from Supernatural, as my DVD reverted back to the menu. What I want to know is how in the hell did I fall asleep watching guys that hot? That's illegal somewhere.

In case I need to remind you, hello Jensen and Jared. I mean, seriously. And it wasn't even late. For those of you who know me, you know this is some kind of mortal sin. I'm an insomniac. It's rare I can even sleep, and then to fall asleep during Supernatural? Yeah, I can't figure it out either. (Alright, guys, no, I do not watch the show because they're hot. I really, really enjoy the plotline, as ridiculous as it may seem. I'm hooked. The fact that they're hot; it's just a bonus.)

* "We're using a Spongebob tablecloth in place of an alter covering?" ... "Well, just put it Spongebob side down."

Okay, this makes me want to take a day and visit a ton of churches, turning their alter covers upside down just to see if Spongebob is beneath any of them. If he is, I'm totally "creatively borrowing" their alter covers. And by creatively borrowing, I mean stealing. So basically what I'm saying is that I could go to jail over Spongebob. How many people can say that?

* My neighbor, Mr. Rogers, tried to kill me, so I was forced to kill him." ... "So wait, you killed Mr. Rogers?" ... "Yes." ... "Okay. I just had to get that straight."

This is hilarious considering Mr. Rogers was Mr. Do-Gooder. Now, guys, I realize there's been a rumor going around that Mr. Rogers was actually a Navy Seal. And I know this is going to come as a shock to my Mom, but he was not, actually. I've done some extensive research on that, and it is nothing more but an urban legend and has been repeatedly confirmed as not true. There are exactly zero listings of him ever being in the Military, Army, Navy Seals, etc. It's just not true. So for those of you laughing and thinking Mr. Rogers could have actually kicked the guys ass before he killed him, it's not true. Well, I mean, maybe he could have, but being a Minister, I think that might be unholy or something. I can't say for sure. If someone's trying to kill you and your only choice is to kill them first, what is a Minister to do? (No, really, does anyone know the answer to this?)

Yesterday I got a text from Becky asking me if she came with a warning label, what it would be. It was one of those awesome mass texts, so of course I wanted to have the best answer. I'm sure I didn't, but I definitely had the best backpedaling.

* WARNING: Have boobs, will travel.

For obvious reasons, I realized three minutes later just how bad that sounded. Yeah, it took me that long to become a big enough pervert to realize it, but I did.

* I promise your warning label was not meant to make you sound like a whore. I'm just saying...damn, you got boobs.

And she does. Just ask her. I mean, it's not that I'm looking at her boobs, but we're girls. We shop together. We make fun of our boobs together, and complain about our boobs together. Yes, guys, girls really do that. Don't you wish you were a fly on a sorority wall? Okay, you already wished that, but don't you just wish that more now?

* Wait! Wait...WARNING: Damn, I got boobs.

I think I got it that time. Or not.

Reasons I should never be allowed to watch Dancing With the Stars.

* I just used the phrase "They're having a ball with whomever has their hand up that puppet."

How does this have to do with DWTS, you ask? Did you even watch it last night? Did you see how the Muppets were on there, and the one played a saxophone in the one judge's ear. Yeah, I could try to spell his name, but I don't think that's fair to do that to a person. His first name is Bruno. From there it's just a jumble of letters that I will never get in the correct order. Anyway, it was funny. Then, the puppet made friends with good ole' Bruno and it was awesome. So yes, I think my comment was warranted. Whomever was controlling that puppet, they were having a blast. And kids, I'm just kidding. That wasn't a puppet. That was a real Muppet. *Whistles innocently*

I think I'll just stop here before I ruin Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny for anyone else. Because they're totally real. Totally.

Evicking Siegelnvs

*Shock*

*Gasp*

What do you mean I haven’t updated in several days, even though I’ve had stuff completely done to post, and then have been sitting on well over a weeks worth of texts, IMs and tweets to go through and post on here, even though it’s probably dumb I’m posting that kind of stuff on here, but it’s my blog and it makes me laugh?

*Shock*

*More Gasping*

What do you mean that was a run on sentence?

Okay, in all serious, you guys, my gram is back in the hospital, so there’s a lot going on over here, and I just haven’t had a chance to go through everything or post. In fact, I’ve hardly been online. I also realize my blog has turned into more texts and IMs than stories, which is sad because it’s a total cop out for me not having the proper amount of time to actually write all these stories that I have to write about. I will get there, I hope. Until then, you all have to put up with more texts and IMs. Oh, go ahead and boo me. I’m already booing myself, so you’re just adding to the noise. But honestly, guys, some of the following have stories behind them, so I’m going to add them, too, which makes me suck only ever so slightly less. Plus, it’s really, really long, so that adds cool points, whether you all like it or not. Oh, and stories are in italics.

IMs by me that have nothing to do with anything that has to do with anything else. Don’t you wish you were my friend? Oh wait...what’s that? You’re glad you’re not. Okay. Point taken. But you're still going to read on, right? Because if you don't, that will force me to come to your house and befriend you against your will. There's no law against that...I don't think.

*All I can think when I see the commercial that’s on now is, “We care about these bitches, why?”

*I wanna know why boys don’t get periods. We’re such nice, sweet little things, us girls, and they’re huge jerks, so may I say, WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?

*I wanna e-mail her and be like, “Look, if you’re not going to use my submissions, at least learn that it’s not Twit, but Tweet.”

*Nate is going to get married before us, isn’t he?
And when you cry at the wedding, it won’t be because you’re happy for him.

Story time! Gather around! Many moons ago, or, you know, last January, Becky was preparing to be the Maid of Honor in her friend's wedding, and as we’re standing there mauling over her dress that was just re-altered after it was messed up the first time, her mom pointed out that we were going to make good bridesmaids for each other since we’re a lot alike, are helpful towards each other, and say things just how they are. I then asked who she thought was going to get married first, Becky or me. In unison, both Becky and her mom go, “NATE!” Nate is Becky’s sixteen year old brother who has had the same girlfriend for two years. We can’t even get dates. Sadly, I think they’re right.

*That’d be a hot date. “Hey, wanna split a cab home?” ... “Uh, didn’t you drive?” ... “Yeah, but I forgot to charge my electric car first, so I can’t get us back home. Sorry.” *Goes back to eating like normal.*

*Solemates...is that like when two shoes meet for the first time, one left, one right, and realize they’re a match?

*I lie on a whale cake.

*I should be a boy.
It would make more sense.

*I promise to never bee the kind of friend who doesn’t think out loud and make an ass out of herself.
Yes, bee.

*I think he’s hysterical, and I’m Christian.

Sadly, I need to explain this so I don’t hear about this until the day I die. Some certain person made some funny remarks about Christian songs, and the way their lyrics sound very wrong if you’re a twenty something man, and then he caught a ton of flack for it when he wasn’t even being serious. Look, I know it’s not nice to make fun of that kind of stuff, but when the person started pointing out the lyrics after pointing out how wrong they could sound, I laughed. Becky laughed. None of us take these lyrics that way, but you know how it is when someone points something out? It’s all you can think about. Yeah, I’m the person who finds Uranus funny. What of it?

*Ooh, well fuk thatshit.
Yes, fuk thatshit.

*That was random. Anywho, hot chocolate.

*I should be a lesbian.

Alone, this isn’t funny, but when you realize this is the most used phrase in my entire vocabulary, it takes on a different face.

*Why don’t I just date myself?

*I’m so confused.

Again, not funny, but when you consider I said this at least twenty to twenty five times in one two hour conversation, it kind of develops a personality of its own. Plus, I was talking about boys. They’re confusing, in case you were ever unsure of that. And for the record, “I’m mad,” came in a very close second to things I said the most in this same two hour conversation.

*It wasn’t even a kiss/kiss.

When you all decipher what the hell I was talking about, let me know.

*Anywhomaburger, I’m sorry.

*But I can honestly say, wax is good for your hair. Maybe not that kind of wax, but I’d assume pretty much any kind of wax.

*I want to hug them all.
No matter how creepy.

*It’s so sad, and so funny, but so annoying.
I don’t know where to go on this one.

*I’m so pick about my name(s of characters in my novel.)
But unfortunately not about my typing.

The whole pick, as opposed to picky thing, not a typo, thus why the second part of that IM came along. Get it?

*They’re trying to tell me Twilight is a name for a person.

*So how about the other day I told my mom how funny it is to me that he’s losing his hair at 22, and my mom goes, “You know you’re going gray at 23.”

Yeah, Mom, I know. Thanks for that, though. However, it’s one gray hair here and there and they’re noticeable to virtually no one but someone who is looking for one. Plus, I can color my hair. He can’t re-grow his without plugs, so I still think I win. And I didn’t start graying until a year after he started losing his hair. I get a gold star. Gees...I don’t think he’d be happy to know that apparently this is a game to me. That I won. Ha!

*I want to hug her.
And find a name for this girl. Simultaneously.
I’ll have to keep this conversation, I think.

*It makes me want to change my name.

*BLEACKERS!
Yes, bleackers.

*I’m done caring.

This is my most underused phrase, in case you were wondering, which you probably weren’t. I figured if I was going to point out my most overused, I should also do the flip side. The bottom of the sun, if you will. The moon.

*Maybe you’re dating someone in your sleep and you just don’t know it.

*It’s kinda amuzing.
Amuzing?
Yeah, okay.
That covers it.

I also decided since that amuzing was too good of a word to not come up with a meaning to, therefore, it has been decided by me that it is a mix between amazing and amusing. This should go in Webster's. Just credit me.

*I hope it’s pulled up, but I don’t know why anyone would do that purposely.

I wasn’t going to explain this, but this is concerning Kristin Stewart’s hair at the VMAs. I’m not the only one that went Holy WTF, am I? And yeah, I know it's not pulled up in the back, and I also know she cut it for The Runaways, but that's no reason to have that shitty of a haircut. Period. Who did that to her?

*My soul is crying.
Kristin Stewart as Joan Jett.
Soul = dying.

*And by sing, of course I mean “sing.”

*I mean, it’s the same dance moons.

Yeah, I know that you’re thinking. Moons? Dumb ass! How can you not catch that? It’s moves. MOVES! M-O-V-E-S! Well, I’m putting this on here because no one caught it. Not even me. Not until I was going through my IMs for stuff for the blog. I think I found a winner. And by winner, I mean loser.

*Were they whores?
Look, I have no idea why I asked that.

*It’s like when someone says Uranus.
You laugh.

Yeah, see. I told you I was one of “those” people, but at least I warned you. Now there’s proof.

*It involves a snake.
A very large snake.

And then you wonder, what reason would anyone have for saying that? Ever. Well, I’m not going to tell you. Keep wondering.

*Being able to read my own stuff on my own computer is awesome.

*Me: “Don’t be surprised by my errors.”
Becky 3: “So the usual, then?”
Me: “Yeah, pretty much.”

*Apparently I’m just a dumb ass?

*The fraternal order of the accident kid.

*Vrendon.

Look, no one gets this except Becky 3, me and Vrendon, whose name isn’t actually Vrendon, but it’s been passed on that we’re now calling him Vrendon. It was a typo at first, and then we found a reason for why that name would work for him. I would explain why, but I really think this would get me in trouble with my mom and Aunt Bev who read this blog, so I won’t. But let me just tell you, it's funny.

*What’s sad is he thinks he can dance.
I mean, he really, really does.
I mean, I’m sure he’s seen himself dance.
How can you watch that and still think you can dance?
HOW!?

This is, coincidentally enough, about Vrendon, but yet has nothing to do with why we are calling him that and everything to do with it all the same.

*I need to not live in Western Pennsylvania. It’s killing my brain cells.

*Someone’s like. “Please, please write a story.” Only, it was a really good, coherent e-mail.
I appreciate that the person was a coherent writer.

Look, I get coherent e-mails regarding my stories about once every blue moon. Yeah...

*By the way, if I rant about pillows tonight, I’m sorry.

*And Aunt Bev and I decided we’re taking over the film industry, and we also decided I should be a lesbian, because boys aren’t worth it.

I had an awesome three and a half hour conversation with Aunt Bev the other day, and we were hard core talking television shows and boys. She’s in her sixties, so this is awesome. But anyway, in the process of doing so, we decided we knew what was best for CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, and it wasn’t Riley or Langston, and that the show would have been much better last year had they let us do the casting. Then we got into other shows that would have been better with our touch added, even though I can’t remember which ones. This was followed by us both agreeing boys suck and they never grow up, and that we understand why woman are lesbians, and we would totally be, too, if we didn’t like boys. Why must we like boys? Damn you, boys.

*OH! OH! OH! OH! Speaking of: Aunt Bev asked my mom to marry her when she gets divorced, but only if she can be the husband. And oh, she's not a lesbian.

I wish I was kidding. This came out while my mom and I were visiting my grandma in the hospital and talking about my previously aforementioned three and a half hour phone conversation with Aunt Bev. I also wish I was kidding, but I was not. Grandma laughed. Yep, that’s how my grandma rolls, AND she thinks we’re entertaining. So that point she earned from laughing, it’s gone now.

*Then today my mom asked my Grandma is she had a goal age she wanted to live to, or if she was okay dying at any time.

No, really. She did. Only it was more like, “do you have a certain age you’re trying to get to,” like it was some kind of contest or race. Grandma laughed. Again, there goes more points. If you were wondering, Grandma said no, she could die tomorrow and wouldn’t care, but she doesn’t want to die. There, she got two more points, so she’s even again, in case you’re keeping score and I’ve confused you, which is probably definite on the confusing part, but not the keeping score part.

*Haha. You broke the bowling balls.

*One time Becky and I bowled against a drunk guy. Our scores together weren’t as good as his score.

True freaking story, and no, this IM has nothing to do with the direct previous one. I’m a little sad about that, actually. But seriously, you guys, one time Becky and I went bowling with Dustin, he had a few drinks, bowled awesome, and we both didn’t even bowl one hundred together. Then we played another game. We still didn’t break one hundred. He still did awesome. We suck, yes. Maybe we should bowl drunk? Yeah, that’s it. We don’t really drink, so we’ll make it a goal to only drink or get drunk while bowling, and then have a designated driver. Oh, and the worst part of the night? The kid bowling directly next to us bowled a perfect game. It’s probably true that we should never bowl again, as we only make a mockery of ourselves, but we have more fun losing, than winners do winning. Trust me. Then I texted her this with a great idea that goes right on along with this.

*I was wondering if you wanted to go bowling later. I figured between the two of us, we could maybe bowl one hundred.

She had to decline to take her brother to Boy Scouts. See later explanation of that in the texts portion of this blog.

*Gosh. Gees. I talk English about as well as someone who doesn’t speak English at all.

Yep, I talk English. Awesome. I’m actually very literate in the English language, I just don’t pay attention to what I’m typing.

*Becky 3: “Hence why I want to hurt him.”
Me: “And I’ll help. Gladly.”
Becky 3: “Thank you.”
Me: “Oh, no, no. Thank YOU.”

Again, I don’t promote violence. This was a PSA from Amy. Thank you.

*I wanna go pushing 30.

*Is that a bad camera angle, or is there something wrong with his face? Yes, I know how that sounds, but I refuse to take it back.

By the way, said person is actually very, very good looking, so to see a bad picture of him was slightly appalling. To this day we don’t know if it was a bad camera angle, or if he just really looks different since we saw him last. And by different, I unfortunately mean not so cute. But I don’t know how he can not be cute. This stumps me. If he’s no longer cute, the world as I know it has ended. However, we were able to surmise that the following IM may very well have something to do with the reasoning why he looks a little less adorable.

*Sadly, I think it’s because it’s getting more and more obvious that his hair is become less and less of a friend to him.

Becky 3 agreed. Mystery solved? For now.

*I just wanna, like...adopt him.

*And all I can imagine is the 28DD falling tit over ass and then yelling, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

Ladies, this is the only reason you ever need to not have breast implants if you’re but a tiny, tiny little thing. Okay? Because if this happens, I will laugh at you. And no, I will not help you up, but I will be glad to stand by and laugh hysterically as someone else does. If someone else does. Oh, and I will point. Relentlessly.

*“Hi! I don’t know if you remember me, but you put up with me when my own friend wouldn’t, so I’m doing you a favor.”

I’m also doing all of you a favor by not explaining this. I’ll just let you laugh.

*I’m going somewhere wit this.
Yes, wit.
I’m decisively a rapper now.

In bad taste, or true? You decide.

*Don’t you love when I’m Little Miss Helpy Helperton, only not really?

*I remember when I first met Brendon and he’s like, “Okay, I think I was told wrong. You’re supposed to be older than me.” And I’m like, “No, I am.” And he goes, “Do you have ID?”

Yes, he went there. And yes, I did pull out my ID. And no, he still didn’t know what to think of me being older than him. This is still funny to me a year and a half later.

*I feel like I totally veered far away from the subject.
Everything’s normal, I guess.

*He’s the only one with enough money to bail us out, cause knowing Brendon, we’ll all be held at some really astronomical amount.

You have to know Brendon. That’s all I’m saying about this.

And now we shall move on to the IMs that I feel the need to explain and tell stories about pre-posting, or else they’re going to end up in a total jumble since there’s several that go together. Ready? Go!

- All of my life I have tended to attract people with the same name. I go through phases where I know several people of the same name, and then I lose touch, no longer know anyone with that particular name, and then meet a bunch of people with the same name that’s different from the previous name, and all within a few months. Yeah, if you followed that, you get a gold star. Currently, I know three Beckys. THREE! I’ve also met and befriended people with the same name as me. Because of this, I’ve been forced to number my people of the same name, thus why I have a Becky 1, who goes by just Becky, Becky 2 and Becky 3. I promise that I’m not discriminating. I’ve numbered them by who I met first, but I’ve numbered them none the less and have also been a number. It gets very confusing...and other theories on this subject.

*People with the same name just flock to me.

*By now I just figure once I marry someone, I’m going to meet at least nine people with the same name as him, but not until after I marry him and am pregnant. That way there ends up being a huge mix up because I know so many people with the same name, and he thinks I’m cheating on him.

Just waiting for it to happen, really. It seems like destiny. A bad destiny, but I don’t see how I’m going to avoid it considering my life’s sense of humor.

*I mean, if you’re just Amy or Becky, you’re boring. But start adding ones and twos, (threes even) you suddenly become awesome beyond human belief.

That’s how I like to think of it. You can’t tell me otherwise. I won’t listen. Also, the following may seem like it doesn’t go along with this subject, but it does. Just hang in there.

*The other day I’m like, “Becky, are you taking a sweatshirt?” And she goes, “I wasn’t going to.” And I’m like, “But it’s chilly.” So she grabs one and an hour later when she’s wearing it she goes, “I’m so glad you’re my mommy.”

Yes, I sound like a valley girl when I explain conversations to others online. I could avoid sounding that way, but that shit takes time. Time I do not have. So I improvise and then share. All my friends joke that I’m everyone’s mommy, so much so that it’s no longer a joke. To back this, I give you the next IM.

*I have three daughters. Their names are Becky, and I have given birth to none, but they are all younger than me. None by more than a year.

See? It all goes together. This is ever so sad. Is it not?

- Some people are idiots. Other people care about those idiots even though they clearly know they're idiots, and then get angry, and hurt, then angry again, and then it just becomes funny. I’m the latter. These are the texts to prove it.

*If I see him with that girl I’m going to text him something horribly mean.
While he’s there. (With her.)
That’s kinda not cool.

But at least I know that. And did I text this person anyway? Seriously...was there ever the question that I wouldn’t do it anyway?

*And I know him. It’s on vibrate.

*Let me have a drink.
And then angry text him.
I don’t get drunk.
I just say things a lot meaner when I drink.

Which is virtually never. Or maybe that’s why I don’t drink.

*I just have to decide what I’m texting.
It will be angry.
It’s delightful.

*Me: “Do I have to be classy about this?”
Becky 3: “Yes.”
Me: “Fuck."
"Can’t I just say what I want for once?”

Her answer to that, by the way, was no. No! Gah, I need to stop caring and start using that phrase more.

*He’s back with Sarah.
Which is “special.”

*Can’t someone smack him?

*I think people let him do what he wants and don’t tell him he’s being an idiot. And EVERYONE needs that once in awhile.

-Becky 3 regaled me with a story of a teacher she used to have, who was just beyond awesome. He had a good sense of humor and cracked only her up and not the rest of the class, because she’s one of those people who laughs at Uranus as well. He seemed all kinds of fun and one of those people I totally want to know, and then she expressed that he only wore black, but one day wore a bright yellow shirt and black pants. This made him so awesome that the following ensued.

*AHAHA! HE WAS A BUMBLEBEE!

Mature? No. True? Yes. Check.

*Is he married?

Yeah, because this phrase should totally follow her telling me he dressed like a bumblebee. Totally follow it. That’s totally normal. Pretend with me, will ya?

*Ask him if he’s still married, as your friend wants to know.
Okay, don’t do that.

*If he dresses like a bumblebee, we’re going to redecorate his classroom in bumblebee posters.

*Oh dude, I would have been with you, only I think I woulda laughed and then looked around like someone else did it.

Because that always works. But see, I told you she was the only one who laughed at said teacher's humor.

*Hi, Professor, I spent thousands to just chill with you. Can’t we just be friends? It’s cheaper?

Becky 3 said she was tempted to take one of his other courses although she’s graduated and has a job, just because she liked him so much. I told her they should be friends. The conversation above happened when I expressed to her just how I would go about trying to be friends with him. What can I say? I’m straight forward. It never works. Ever.

-As I’ve recently mentioned, I rarely pay attention when I’m typing in an IM box, as I’m usually doing nine other things so I just type as quickly as I can to get back out of the window again. Aren’t I delightful? No? Anyway...I’ll try not to take offense to that, you readers, you, as I move on.

I’ve since learned that I’m hardly the only one who does this. Now, maybe it’s just my friends who make awesome errors, but that’s why they’re my friends. And the other night, Becky 3 proved even more just how awesome she is by making the word did into idd, to which I fought back by making the into hte, but not on purpose. Then we decided the typos should be friends, and she instructed them to do so. Insanity ensued.

*Becky 3: “Hte, say hi to idd. You’re both mistakes. Oh wait, was that mean?”
Me: “No. No it was not. Well, okay, it’s not wrong, but maybe a bit insensitive to tell them. Hte and idd might have feelings.”
Becky 3: “I’m sorry idd and hte. Oh god, I’m talking to typos. What is wrong here?”
Me: “Nothing. I see nothing wrong.”

And then it escalated when I tried to make the situation better, which, let’s face it, it wasn’t getting any better, and then made another typo.

*Ooh, yse is totally hte and idd’s kid. Illegitimate, of course. Idd bred with awesoke.

Okay, first of all, yes, I went there. I made typos cheat on each other, but only after Becky 3 talked to them and I told her it was okay. Also, awesoke is obviously a typo for awesome, or not so obviously if you watch what you’re typing and don’t make nine millions errors and hour. It happened years ago. Another friend did it. It stuck. End of story.

-I don’t know how many of you watch Psych, but last Friday was a very special Pysch. Very special, I say. So special that it got IMs.

*That’s my Bollywood contribution to Friday’s Psych.

The only thing funny about this, is that I have no idea what the hell I was talking about, or what I contributed. That’s probably not a coincidence.

*The Psych theme song made me want to sing Benny Lava.

Does anyone know the actual name to this song, who sings it, or what they’re really saying? Didn’t think so.

Now we have texts and stories. Which could make an awesome song. Put it to “Hallelujah.” Go ahead. TEXTS AND STORIES! TEXTS AND STORIES! Wow, I don’t hear singing. Y’all aren’t that fun. Just kidding. I know I can’t hear you sing through the computer screen. Gees, I’m not stupid.

*Coffee is my alcohol. I am no longer responsible for my actions.

*Let’s make fake accounts, friend our fake accounts, and keep taking each other’s quizzes and then our own.

Beck and I are that desperate for people to take our Facebook quiz. We did not make fake accounts, though. Well, I didn’t, because I’m not really down with Facebook, but who knows what Becky did. Anything is possible with her awesomeness.

*Boobless in La.

*I’d like to say my cat stepped on my phone and sent you a blank text, but no. It was me.

*I need to either stop watching Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami, or not admit to it.

Okay, look you guys, I like the show. I adore the heck out of Khloe and would so be her BFF if possible. She says the most inappropriate things and is beyond awesome, so even if I wanted to stop watching, which I don’t, I couldn’t anyway, because it’s ignorant to stop watching your BFF that doesn’t know she’s your BFF.

*FB? We’re not driving to the Facebook headquarters, are we? Do I need to pack?

*What! It lies! LIESSSSS!

I wish I could remember what the elusive it was. If I could, I promise I would tell you. Kinda. Maybe. Okay, probably not.

*Troll! OMG! Did Mimi from The Drew Cary Show go to Wal-Mart?

*My 80 something Great Aunt threatened to hot my 60 something other Great Aunt. My family is a circus, but at least it’s funny.
And by hot, I mean hit.

True freaking story. Anyone want to adopt me?

*I’m pretty sure the movie Run, Ronnie, Run is a biopic of Pennsylvanians.

*But I don’t want to go to prison.

*Kourtney: “Aww, look at those two old woman holding hands.” (As friends.) Khloe, “Aww, that’s going to be us in a few years.” Why do I also feel like that’s us, too? Are we that big of losers?

First, don’t answer that until you know who “we” are. Second, “we” are Becky and me. Third, don’t answer that.

*This person doesn’t just suck at Craigslist. They suck at life, too.

*Everyone knows Thursday is the new Saturday, and Friday morning is the new official walk of shame day.

*That’s good, girlfriend. Yeah, I went there.

*Ya! I’m scaring people again.
Do I get an award?
Yes! I’m so on my way to being an awesome gay man. I’ll explain later.

I don’t think that can really be explained, and I have yet to receive said award that I was promised. I’m disappointed and suing.

*This TV movie is rated TV 14. However, it says DSLV, so it has all four, but that’s the highest rating it gets. What constitutes an M? Porn?

Can anyone answer this? This movie was also pegged as a comedy and it definitely wasn’t funny. A girl was kidnapped by a pervert and a teacher got blamed. Yeah...not funny.

*I think I just insinuated she was having sex with products.

*Whatever happened to a good ole, “I have a boyfriend?” “I’m a lesbian.” You know, lying.

Regarding woman who go to overly great lengths and often do really terrible things just to get out of going out with a guy. I understand some guys don’t take no for an answer when you are honest, and that’s when you have to lie. I don’t agree with lying, but sometimes you gotsta do what you gotsta do in order to keep yourself from doing something dumber. Gotsta - See, I’m practicing being a decisive rapper, as previously promoted. Yeah, I know I suck. Don’t throw things. Okay...STOP throwing things. Thank you.

*Mom: “It’s a wonder they don’t make washers for little people so they don’t fall in while trying to get laundry out.”
Me: “They do. They’re called front loaders.”

Okay, before you all go yelling at me for picking on little people, I am not. I would never do that. In fact, one of my favorite people in the entire world is the opposite of tall and I adore her to Heck and back, because Hell isn’t an awesome place to be. There’s a show on called The Little Couple that my mom and I enjoy because they are beyond delightful people. On one of the episodes, the story is told of how the woman fell head first into the washer while trying to get clothes out, so this is where this conversation originated. However, I’ll have you know that my friend assures me front loaders aren’t really any more helpful, so technically we’re back at the drawing board again. And I was wrong. There, I said it.

*Me: “THERE IS SKELANIMALS HALLOWEEN CANDY!!!!!!!”
Becky: “Calm down.”
Me: “Can’t. This is what heaven feels like.”

Look, why she goes shopping with me, I don’t know. Good thing, though. She knew where to find me, as we were shopping on opposite ends of the store and split up. And in case you haven’t guessed, Skelanimals are pretty much the most awesome material thing in my life. Everyone should own at least one hundred pieces of Skelanimals stuff. Just a suggestion.

*LMAO! So you’re saying bouncing is better sans a bra?

P.S. - That was NOT what she was saying. I just can’t read...apparently.

*Today I bought an outfit for my Aunt Bev’s bunny, and I made a card and wrapped it. In my defense, she wanted an outfit to hold it together.

I have no defense here. I realize.

*I’m pretty sure we just passed a guy doing a mid day walk of shame post that-crazy-chick’s-boyfriend beating him up, with an ice pack on his face.

*Love makes people stupid.

*That’s so sweet. In case I never told you, I’m totally cloning you. Guys like you don’t exist anymore. You should teach classes to tools. And by tools, I mean most all other guys.

*Screwing up Ellen (Degenere’s hair) is like screwing up rapping. I don’t get how you do it.

*Macy Gray just made me feel better about my dancing skills, and I don’t have any.

*I love Kelly Osbourne: “My bum just wiggled. I am NOT doing that.”

*”Men are only good for going downstairs with a baseball bat when we think we hear something.”

Look, people. For anyone who's ever said Hannah Montana was not funny, accurate, or even remotely like real life, you lie. LIEEEE!

Kids, today I will bring you texts that happened in series, plus a story.

-A few weeks back Becky got stuck taking her brother to Boy Scouts because her mom wasn't feeling well. This is quite possibly the worst thing ever for a twenty three year old girl, because there’s no hot legal guys there. Only Becky got lucky and some kid we used to go to school with who is our age showed up, and Becky thought he was all kinds of hot. And other texts regarding Boy Scouts.

*My mom says Boy Scouts our age like the little boys. So wrong.

But it was equally agreed between three people that it’s so true. Then it got better, and said aforementioned person showed up.

*Is he at least old enough to hit on without being creepy or illegal?

Check and Check.

*Ooh, hit on him. Do it! Do it NOW!

I was only encouraging...then I got pushy.

*PLAY! PLAY! *Holds up lettered signs like cheerleaders do*

First, I was a cheerleader, so I know they do that, even though I can’t remember if I ever had to. I hope not. Two, I wasn’t encouraging her to play sexually, but now that I think of it, that’s sure what it sounds like, because I don’t remember what I was encouraging her to really do. I think it had to do with him having an awesome truck, but don’t hold me to that. Unless you’re dying for a clean answer to this debacle...then hold me to it.

-Then there’s things that Becky says that I just can’t get out of my head. I don’t know if I really love that, or if it scares the pants off of me. I still have pants, so I’m thinking it has to be the first one by default.

*Becky: “I always expect Debra Messing to have boobs. She doesn’t.”
Me: “We’ll call it: ‘Boobless Woman Who We Always Expect Will Have Voobs.’ Yes, voobs.”

I think this had to do with us deciding we should start a show just for Debra Messing and her non existent boobs, about how Debra Messing has non existent boobs. See, Aunt Bev and I are onto something with taking over the film industry, and now Becky can help. You just wait people. This is going to be so epic that it’s going to be like you’re not even going to want to turn on the TV, which means more exercise. That’s kinda great, right? Right? *Bites nails*

*Becky: “Wow, I just had a staring contest with my dog. I won...I really need help.”

I’ve never had a staring contest with my dog. Am I behind?

There’s a possibility that I’m addicted to my Twitter. It’s like this little tool that I use when something really funny happens and I don’t want to forget it. Most people just store the memory in their brain, but not me. I use technology. I think I’m a Bot.

*Them flies? Gosh, you can tell I’m from Western Pennsylvania.

*I just had a spider pop out at me that was so large, I screamed and then cried while trying to kill it. Scared of spiders: Check.

The best part of this? My mom knew about this gigantic spider and didn’t tell me. She buried it in cat litter thinking it would die by the time I got to it. It didn’t die. Not only that, but even if it did, I still would have screamed and cried because I don’t do well with spiders. That may be the biggest under statement of the year. It’s similar to the one Gilmore Girls where Lorelai traps a spider under a cup, and then Dean, who recently broke up with Rory comes in and asks what’s going on, she tells him and he asks what she’s going with the spider. She then responds: “I was thinking about just giving it the kitchen. We don’t use it much anyway.” Then Dean took the spider outside for her while she yelled and eewed like any woman and a good many men would do, but only while yelling, “And don’t let its family see you. Spiders are vindictive.” God, that show is like a biopic of my life, only I’m Lauren Graham's character fifteen years ago and without a kid. Also, I ended up vacuuming up the spider, in case you were wondering. This is a monument to my chicken shit-ness.

*I think I just got owned by my Twitter. I was changing my main picture and it suddenly pops up and goes “NO MORE PICTURE FOR YOU.”

I felt like I was in the army and it just found my contraband of Pixie Sticks. Gees. Twitter, play nicer with others.

*Dear filling that fell out of my tooth, Come back?

Despite asking, it did not. I had to get a new one. I was severely disappointed that our friendship was forced to end after only a few months. I was starting to like that filling, too.

*Hey! I can hear you crunching way over here! Shh!

*Oh yeah, he’s “special.” He resold me on the not being gay thing. He’s just screwing with me now. I didn’t rhyme.

No reason to explain the I didn’t rhyme thing, but I will explain the rest. This “special” person whose sexuality is hanging in the balance, is also the person who was back with Sarah, and that was “special.” As you can see, “special” seems to be this person’s forte.

*They were trying to smuggle cocaine, right? Not actual Coke? Because if it was actual Coke, I just peed a little.

This was a private direct message conversation through Twitter, but way too good not to share. She typed Coke and we were talking about actual Coke, but alas, she meant cocaine. I don’t know if I was really bummed out and felt let down by this, or more amused that it wasn’t Coke. I’m still deciding.

-Okay, story time Twitter style. As you’ve probably gathered from the previous, Becky and I went shopping a few weeks ago. The funny wasn’t so much in the shopping, as the hilarity of taking her brother to his girlfriend's house. Yes, this is Nate. The same brother who is getting married before us. First we were taking him, then we weren’t, then we were, then we weren’t, but alas we ended up taking him. We loaded in the car, he put his headphones on, we cranked the T-Swift and sang our hearts out, not realizing he could hear us, or was paying attention from the backseat. But he was.

*Me: “We should roll down the windows and sing obnoxiously loud.”
Nate: “NO!”

We listened to him. We, two twenty three year olds who like to cause trouble, and by trouble I mean we like to do really funny things that are only funny to us and can’t in any way get us arrested, listened to him. We should have done it. We should have just wound down the windows and done it. However, we must have been singing / talking pretty loud for him to of heard us say that over his Ipod.

*Becky’s brother is blowing bubbles out the window. Awesome.

All of a sudden Becky started politely freaking out as she was seeing something out her side window and couldn’t figure out what was going on. She then caught Nate in her rear view mirror blowing bubbles. Why she had a thing of bubbles in her car is anyone’s guess. However, it didn’t shock me. We’ve either known each other for too long, or we’re really that weird. Both of us. Together. And Nate is the only sane one. Nah.

*I am now one of those people who picsk on high school kids for thinking they’re, “too cool.” I never liked those people. Awesome.

This goes back to before we left, and Nate got off his bus with no backpack, carrying his books. Becky asked him where his backpack was, he said he didn’t take one, and the taunting ensued. He walked away, went in his bedroom, shut the door and changed clothes. Clearly he’s the smarter one out of all of us.

Last but not least, we have general story time, with a mixture of IMs, Tweets and texts that go ever so swimmingly along with this.

-Have you ever met those young people who really want to get married and have a family, only they want to do it on their own terms where they can still have a their own life and a relationship? Then all their friends get married around them and their friends never wanted to get married and have families? Yeah. I’m one of those people. When you’re one of those people, this is what happens.

*OMG! I found the person I’m marrying!
Whomever wrapped him in this blanket so he can’t move...I’m marrying.

This probably needs explained, but I won’t add the picture and leave this to the imagination, assuming you all still have imaginations. If not, you can borrow my very actively creative one. Let me just set up the picture for you. It’s a person wrapped like a sardine in a blanket and looking very sad because they’re unable to move and literally stuck in the blanket until someone comes and unwraps them. The person who did that to other certain ADHD person...I heart.

And then I changed my mind upon finding this entry on Texts From Last Night. This is an exact copy and paste.

(402): lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce.
(I-402): IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU’LL SEE IS MY FIRST IN YOUR FACE.

*HAHA! I love it!
Maybe I should marry them instead.

I think it’s a given that I should marry them instead. I hate people who abbr. things and leave out vwls. Dnt u?

- And then when I was done finding non fictional people who I didn’t know to marry, my friend and I sulked over people around us getting married. You know, it’s what normal twenty somethings do with their Saturday and Sunday nights. It’s not...is it?

*We’re both like QUIT GETTING MARRIED!

And then, after we sulked about not being married and realized we’re the only two people we know who really want to be married, and we’re each of the opposite sex, and he announced he was tired of having sex with himself, it was a natural segue way into the following.

*Me: “On behalf of your very tired hand, I am offering to take over in exchange for a wedding and a kid. Thoughts?”
Him: “Date? Time? Wedding planner we’re using?”

Later the friend who introduced us found out about this and decided we were absolutely the most hilarious people he knew separate, and together we were killing him. He also decided I need to live where they live just so we could hang out together all the time and he could have entertainment. There were also mentions of him paying me to make sure said person didn’t leave the house with a seventies hairdo and ugly clothing, but I don’t think it’s possible to rip all the ugly away from him.

-I have a favorite show that’s not a new favorite show, but it feels new because I was so busy watching CSI the past few seasons, that I missed this show just because it was on at the exact same time and I can’t watch two things at once. Then I caught a re-run of this show the other night, and now I’m hooked all over again and trying to decide if I will watch CSI tonight (I did), or if I will watch it (I didn't). And by it I mean Supernatural. I’ve been watching my box sets of the first two seasons, which are the only ones I own, just because it makes me happy...and happy sparks all kinds of conversations. Ta da! I now present them to you.

*I hear country music and I think I specifically hear it playing in a scene of Supernatural, as Dean drives his Impala down the open roads of Kansas.

This is great that I do this, because I really do, but Dean only listens to 70’s music and it’s rare they’re even driving through Kansas, even though that’s where they’re from, as they road trip all over the nation. However, the Impala is bitchin', and the guy who plays Dean is a huge fan of country music and a singer, plus does theater, so you can see why I see him, think country music, and then automatically put it to the role I know him from. Right?

*You know when you’re having a bad day and you don’t feel like doing anything, and you’re like, “Fuck, what should I watch?” Because you know you’re going to eat a whole tub of ice cream in your pajamas? Well, that show wins because it has a cute guy in it.

Two, actually, but one is cuter than the other. Sorry, Jared. But really, as a girl, we totally do this. When life sucks, you don’t feel like doing anything, are bummed out, and just wanna pass time, you always go for shows with hot guys. Don’t tell me that’s just me. I know it’s not.

*Dean just had an entire conversation with a scarecrow and then went, “Dude, you fugly,” and walked away.

Maybe I’m looking at this marriage thing wrong. Can you marry a fictional character on a television show? What do you mean no?

*Good line: "God save us from half the people who think they’re doing God’s work.”

Although a Supernatural quote, so true. This just goes to show that the show is both, very funny, and crudely honest.

*Dean: “You’re not going to kill me, are you?”
Sam: “No.”
Dean: “Good, because that would be awkward.”

Yep, actually texted those lines to someone.

*I should probably stop watching Supernatural when my mom goes to bed, as everyone screams on there, and one day I’ll scream because something is wrong and she’ll just think I’m watching Supernatural.

Hey, good news. She assures me once she’s sleeping, she’s out, so even if I did scream, she wouldn’t hear me. Problem solved. Err...remind things to never go wrong after she goes to bed. Or make sure no spiders come around. Thanks.

*Ah. See, I thought you watched it. Short explanation, Jo’s in love with Dean, and Dean with her, although he won’t admit it. And Ellen, Jo’s mom, is close to Dean. But Jo’s possessed and attacking her mom and Sam, Dean’s brother, and there doesn’t seem to be another option but to kill her. And I think the worst part of this is that I’m managing to follow this bullhookey.

No, that’s not the worst part. The worst part was that I was on the edge of my seat enjoying ever minute of it. The things I admit to...I should not be allowed to have a blog.

*“There’s two things I know for sure. One: Bert and Ernie are gay. Two: I’m not letting you die a virgin.”

Said by a guy to a guy. You guys - pun intended - why are you not watching this show?

*This awesome lady just said, “your alarm is about as useful as boobs on a man.” Then she looks at Dean and walks away.

Listen, Dean is a big guy...with moobs, and he was in a tight shirt. But I should explain they're good moobs. Like, the sexy man moobs. See? You're freaking welcome for the picture, by the way. Okay...now that you all understand that. Moobs aren’t always bad on a man. Just usually.

-Did you ever have one of those friends who has the same exact sense of humor as you, only this is really bad because you know eventually it’s going to get you arrested, but you laugh anyway? And other texts between me and that person.

*Me: “Babe, how does it take one twelve hours to get home on a four hour drive?”
Him: “One decides to gamble before leaving Vegas, and then gets lost on the way home from taking a ‘shortcut.” Mrs. GPS told me to do it.”

Only he was serious. Twelve hours on a four hour drive. TWELVE HOURS on a FOUR HOUR drive. How do I attract these people who have a worse sense of direction than me? Okay, actually mine’s pretty good, so a good many people actually have a worse sense of direction than me, but still. In case this wasn’t clear, it took him TWELVE HOURS to get home when it should have taken him FOUR! And he does this drive often. He KNOWS these roads. *Shakes head*

*Me: "Why was one drunken texting me while driving home?”
Him: “One was not drunk. One was gambling. While texting. It has the same effect.”
Me: “Good to know.”

So now when I go gambling with my mom and Charlene like they’ve been asking me to do, I know that I can act like I’m obliterated and it’s totally okay because no one will think I’m drunk or anything. Everyone will understand that I’m just gambling. Right...glad that’s all cleared up.

-Sometimes you just have those people who don’t go away. Then you don’t know how to get them to go away. They can’t take a hint. They can’t take a direct quote. They just stick to you like white on rice. Or blue on blue crayon. Yeah, okay, I apologize for that last one. Anyway, then one person comes along covered in white light with the saving grace of the day, and you could swear they were an angel from above, or a superhero. That person became Becky, and the following is a play by play of her angelic superhero-ness.

*I just realized I’m forever indebted to you. I’ve had the same person text me almost thirty times, and call me six since a little after nine, all of which I’ve ignored. But it’s not stopping and I was trying to find the perfect thing to say to them. I think “You’re evicking siegelnvs,” covers it with a certain grandeur that I could not have produced on my own.

In all fairness, this could totally be filed under typos, but this wasn’t my typo. While Becky was on Texts From Last Night, she discovered a text where someone said “This is evicking siegelnvs,” to which the other person replied, “I’m sorry?” Then it was cleared up when the first person said “this is fucking ridiculous.” So it’s obvious the first person meant to type fucking ridiculous and failed on a monumental scale. Maybe I should marry them. Oh, the options of marriage to people I don’t know are so endless. To further understand why she was such a saving grace, I will take you through my previous thought process of such.

*I was tempted to ask my friend how you swear at someone in German, and then I remembered he (the person I was going to swear in German to) DOES speak German, so it wouldn’t be fun.

I also remembered he would be the person I was asking how to swear in German, as he’s fluent in it. This defeated the non important purpose. The goal here was to ultimately come up with something to say to him that would stun him so badly that he would have no idea what I was saying, but because he has a lot of pride, would not say anything to me because he thinks he’s the one who is missing something or undereducated, and then he would proceed to spend hours googling my mumbo jumbo just to figure out what was going on. He does this, and it would be the perfect revenge. Then evicking siegelnvs came along and saved my day like this.

*Knowing he’d think I was swearing at him in another language and not ask me what it meant.
And he didn’t.

So yes, if you were wondering, evicking siegelnvs works. Thanks to superhero Becky, my mission was now accomplished. And we all lived happily ever after.

To Piper

Rest in Peace our dear sweet girl, Piper Holly. You will be missed.

The Anti-Alice Cullen

Not really. I love Alice and Ashley Greene, who plays her. However, I just decided it wasn't the right look for me, so I changed it up. Better late than never. You like?

Dear VMAs "I'll let you get back to your show in a minute, but I just gotta say..."

My VMA review, complete with letters, texts, videos, and other things concerning this matter. Everything is by me unless otherwise marked. Awesome?

But first of all, I would just like to send all my good, warm thoughts out to Patrick Swayze's family. I'm not going to sit here and lie and say that I was very familiar with him as a person, or as an actor, because I wasn't. Still, though, an iconic life was lost, and I do realize the movies he brought to us, although I haven't seen most of them, and the people he's touched with his talent and his time here on earth. May he Rest In Peace, and may everyone else rest assured knowing that he is no longer suffering inside of his body, and has gone to a better place where he will forever be comforted.

Dear VMAs,
It was so nice of you to move back to New York. Now, don't get me wrong, it was awesome to have the VMAs in other places such as Las Vegas and LA, but the sets you had, well, they quite frankly sucked. Especially the one in LA last year. It was like a tacky wedding cake mixed with a clown, and yeah, it was just that bad. I mean, you put world wide recording artists who make millions of dollars each year and live in mansions, on bleachers. Do you hear me? BLEACHERS! This is never acceptable! I'm poor and I wouldn't want to sit on bleachers for two and a half hours. My ass goes “ouch” just thinking about it. Not cool, guys. Then, to add to it, you literally shoved a very poorly designed stage right in the middle of a sound studio and did nothing to cover up the fact that that's exactly what you did. If you have no creativity, and no offense, but after last year, I'm concerned about this matter, then New York City is the right place to be. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that you don't have to be creative to be in New York. That would be incorrect. You do, but you are also familiar with the stage and can make it work ever so awesomely for the awards at hand. Also, for some reason the film seemed to be a higher grade this year, and the camera angles made a lot more sense as in we could actually tell what the hell the artist was doing. Coincidental to the move? I think not.

Oh, but P.S. - Next year could you go back to having the red carpet arrivals during the daylight hours where we can actually see the artists and not feel like we're either wearing beer goggles, or on a medication that makes us drowsy? With all the sparkles that adorned the artists this year, plus the lights to compensate for the obvious nightfall, it kind of made me feel like a cheap, high hooker. Or wait, maybe that's just because it was unflattering and made the artists look that way. But hey, good job on picking Ashley Greene to co-host. Twilight fan or not, she's just adorable. (Minus the naked pictures scandal, but I'm willing to forget about all that like you all have done. Truce?)

Dear Madonna,
Okay, look, you've never been my favorite person, mostly because you confuse me. You're like this awesome humanitarian and crazy person all mixed into one, and I just can't decide how I feel about you because of that. Also, your music isn't my cup of tea, and some of your performances are quite frankly, scary. I do think you're talented, though. And I have to say, Evita was above and beyond. After your more than stellar performance in that movie, I could never truly not like you, but I do wish you'd stop with the kitchy music and go for Broadway, because I'm pretty sure that would make you my favorite person ever, and I'd come and see all your shows at least ten times each. But that's just a suggestion. You know, whatever.

Anyway, this isn't about you and your music. This is about you and your touching tribute to Michael Jackson. I really don't know if tribute was the right word, because in a way, it felt like a eulogy to him, too. Not that I'm knocking that, because I'm not. What I'm saying is it was very touching and I had no idea that you had those kind, wonderful words in you. It was delightfully unexpected and beautifully spoken. And as he looks down from heaven, I'm sure he had a sense of peace knowing he was really adored and loved so much, in such a sincere and true way. Thank you for sharing your stories of your times and relationship with him on national television. You were truly the only person who could have given such a speech, and it left me both shocked and tearful, and one of those things I did not think you could leave me by just being yourself. Let me give you a hint as to which one. It's not the first one.

Dear Janet Jackson and All the Dancers Who Took Part In the Michael Jackson Tribute,
Beautiful. Well executed. Moving. Heart wrenching. Incredible. All of this words, well, they go out to you. I was unsure of what to expect when I heard there was going to be a Michael Jackson tribute, and knowing the VMAs, I knew it was either going to go delightfully right, or tragically wrong. I was pleasantly surprised that it was the first one, and even more pleased when Janet was chosen to organize and motivate the tribute. She was his sister, so the choice could not have been better, obviously. But sometimes you turds at MTV make me wonder if you really think these things out before doing them. This time, you thought something out, so ya you. The videos of him on the big screen, the dancers flawlessly executing the exact same dance moves as Michael's image looked down upon them, and the heavenly image of him at the end of the tribute all made this an absolutely stunning television moment that will be replayed, enjoyed, and go down in history as one of the best memorials to Michael. I also heard that Cris Judd was one of the dancers, although I couldn't really pick him out. Another good choice. Just in case no one patted you on the back for this, I shall. *Pats Back* Moving on.

Janet, you specifically are such an incredible talent, and when you shattered through that glass wall and came out to perform Scream with your brother's image high on the screen just like it was when the two of you made that video, it was one of those inspiring moments that even made my ADHD take a break to focus only on you. I guess up until last night I hadn't realized how much you and Michael were alike when it came to your performance talents, but the two of you really are; always will be. You can still keep up with the likes of Pink, who will we get to later, and capture an audience a million times over. At the end it was clear you were teary eyed and trying to hold back, as was expected. I just want to say thank you for coming out and putting your heart and soul into honoring the greatest performer of our time, your brother, when it may have been too soon for you, the wounds still so fresh. You are a strong and incredible woman, and he is proud of you know, and was also proud to have been able to call such an inspiring woman his sister, no doubt.

Dear Kanye West,
Seriously, dude? Just...seriously? Because you totally don't get enough press, and people, including myself, were already on the fence about if you were a douchebag or not. Thanks for confirming the fact and sealing the deal. I'm not going to go on about this for three years like I could, because everyone and their mother has covered this; people far more famous than me. But you took a microphone off a nineteen year old girl and insulted her. Good job, asshat! That will go down in the douche hall of fame. You freaking broke her heart just to ramble on about someone else's video, someone else who was extremely embarrassed by this. Your mother, the one who taught you MANNERS, the one you loved dearly who just passed away and is attempting to rest in peace, would be so ashamed of you right now. You made a young girl cry and you call yourself a man? You should really rethink that. This is not a suggestion. Oh, and for the record, upsetting a young girl that everyone loves when people are on the fence about what kind of person you really are is just a bad move.

These are what the texts from my phone have to say about you. Secondary non text commentary is in parenthesis:

*Pink referring to Kanye: “He's just a...toolbox.” (Pink, is this one step up from a tool? I love you!)

*They're calling the Kanye thing the Douchebag Olympics (On E!) and marking it as his attempt to outdo Jon Gosselin. I'm in love with this. (Sadly, I think he may have outdone Jon, but I can't decide. There's no way to measure just how douchey Jon is, so it makes it hard to measure if Kanye is more douchey. Team Kate and Taylor ALL THE WAY!)

We didn't forget to give you a shout out, or maybe just a shout through IMs either:

“Maybe he'll get in a fight with Lady GaGa and she'll kill him.” (If you saw her performance plus her Paparazzi video, this makes sense.)

Someone from the website Texts From Last Night even weighed in on this, and it's totally safe to say they hit the nail on the head:

*(404): i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ". (This is an exact copy and paste. I didn't make this shit up. This person, dead on. If you wrote that and you see this, let's be friends.)

MTV has also weighed in on this issue with two websites of their own:

*The first involves a mash up of Kanye West interrupting Barack Obama. That's all I'm saying about this. Again, dead on. It's even better than the person interrupting Obama with his duck ring tone. Okay, apparently that was not all I was saying.

*Then there's this. It's a Kanye “apology” letter generator, and it's probably more sincere than his real “apology” that we all know wasn't an apology at all since his ego would never let him do such, thus why “apology” is in parenthesis. Even MTV agrees it was an “apology.” And as you all know, I wouldn't let you down. I had to make my own apology letter just for you guys using said generator just to see how dead on and hilarious it was. I give it an eleven out of ten. Is that even possible?

KANYE APOLOGY CITY

I'M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND KATY PERRY FOR SASHAYING THE SPORK. I SPOKE TO KATY PERRY RIGHT AFTER. TAYLOR SWIFT IS VERY CANTANKEROUS !!........... I'M IN THE WRONG FOR HAPPILY SKIPPING AND PERUSING!!!!!!!! I'M SORRY TO MY FANS IF I LET YOU GUYS DOWN!!!!! I'M SORRY TO MY FRIENDS AT BIG MACHINE RECORDS! I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR SWIFT 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I'M A FAN OF PUMPKIN!!! Y'ALL KNOW!!! BOOOOYAAAWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!! HOMIE FO SHIZZLEI GAVE MY DOG TOY TO SELENA GOMEZ WHEN THEY DESERVED IT... THAT'S WHAT IT IS!!!!!!!!!! I'M NOT CRAZY YALL, I'M JUST BEING REAL. SORRY FOR THAT!!!MUCH RESPECT!!!!!

Also, just a side note. What “fans” is Kanye apologizing to? Is he so sure he still has them after Sunday night?

By the way, in case you haven't seen the real “apology” letter of which this was derived from, please go here and laugh just as hard.

Dear Taylor Swift,
How do you continue to handle everything with such beauty and grace? This stumps me fully, but allows me to know why everyone loves you. And I do mean everyone, from Donald Trump, to Pink, to an entire audience of thousands of people, and the millions more watching who have Tweeted and blogged about you since. Everyone has your back. The nation, the world, celebrities. You are just that awesome and you don't even know it. You are so sweet and humble, and you write songs even the toughest of hearts relate to. You don't swear, misbehave, act out and are genuinely sweet, friendly and you never pretend to be someone else. Just keep doing your thing and you're going to have a lifelong career ahead of you where you will not only get to work with whomever you want, and people will be fighting to work with you, but you'll be beloved by millions who will continually fight for you every time someone tries to come in and take your glory moment just because they weren't nominated for anything and are way jealous. The way you handled yourself onstage was beautiful, although it was obvious you wanted to cry, and America and several other countries wanted to hug you. Period.

And that performance! Although it is doubtful that the part in the subway was actually live considering the lack of amps and the fact that wireless mics work much like cell phones when it comes to being underground, i.e. they normally don't work, and the fact that the sound never changed one bit until you were actually on the streets of New York City, but I could totally be wrong on that. Either way, it was nicely timed and a pleasant surprise. I've seen a lot of performances, and out of everything I thought you could possibly do when yours first started, I didn't think it would include you literally riding a subway. And how does one nineteen year old get two entire subway stations along with two subway lines shut down just for her? Let's not even mention how many people were probably angry over this, but I wasn't one of them because you're Taylor Swift, and even if I used that subway line and would be late for something I would be too in awe that my subway line and / or station was shut down for you. But how does one coordinate that? And who coordinates that? I mean, you, your promoters, the city? And then obviously you had to practice this routine, pre-taped or not, to get the timing to the song down correctly so that you would end up in the city on the right cue and could piece it together as such. That means the subway was shut down for far more than just the two and a half minutes that you were in it for the performance. My theory is someone very high up in the whole subway association, or whatever, I don't know, had kids, and their kids heard that you wanted to use the subway station, and all of a sudden they were like, "holy shit I better shut down the subway station or my kids and all their friends will lynch mob me." Or Donald Trump had something to do with it. Pick one. Either way, you're never anything less than awesome!

Oh, and your acceptance speech, when you did finally get one; A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E. And when you said “Thank you so much!” at the end, it really made me feel like I was watching someone perform a very touching and rawly emotional play on stage, and that was how it ended. It was in your movements, your voice, and the glamorous dress you wore that made you seem like a quintessential star from the 1920's. You are timeless.

Dear, these are my IMs concerning your classy self:

*“I wish I had a personality like hers.”
“But making fun of people is funnier.” (Yeah, yeah, so I might lack some class, but most of it is still in tack. I don't make fun of people and mean it, do it to their face, or steal microphones, and I always end up telling them what I said later, so really I'm just a piece.)

*“I just clapped for Taylor Swift.”
“That's sad, right?” (Seriously, in my living room, on my couch...I clapped...repeatedly.)

*“You just don't hurt T-Swift!.”
“She doesn't do anything (bad) to anyone!”

Dear Abigail,
Yes, this Abigail. (At least I'm pretty sure it was you, and if not, you were awesome enough to be named in one of her songs, so this still applies minus the standing up at the VMAs thing.) Everyone needs a friend like you to come to award shows with them, and stand up and start screaming and clapping for them right while Kanye is still trying to get his sorry ass off the stage. You got everyone going! It take a lot of courage to stand up at the VMAs in front of tons of celebrities when you aren't one and root someone on, and that's why you are the number one most awesome friend in the world.

Dear Lady Gaga (Who I did not look like. Ha, gone is the Alice Cullen hair. I think I found my style, no? I don't think you agree Gaga, if I may informally call you that, because it's a little normal for you, but that's not the point of any of this. I'm just stalling for time.),

I don't even know where to start. I feel speechless, or like this should fall under the theory of “if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all,” but I have to say it. I'm just going to try to be tactful about this. I have never been a fan of yours because you are frightening to small children and people who act like small children when they are frightened. In other words, me. You are unique, but I'm unsure if it's in the good way, and thinking it leans a little more towards the please-lock-me-up-in-a-place-with-pretty-white-walls-and-outfits-that-let-me-hug-myself kind of way. That being said, I do think you're extremely talented. Do I think you write music that really shows off your vocal talent? No, I don't. And I think because of that, you find that you have to be so bizarre just to be remembered. But if you wrote music to really fit your voice, I think people would see that you're an incredible singer with a lot to offer, therefore, if you still wanted to do bizarre performances, you could, but you wouldn't need to. You would be remembered and loved for being an incredible singer, not for being really odd, as I'm learning more people are mortified by you than like you, which I didn't know until recently. I'm really trying to be in your corner, but it's just hard sometimes.

But let's talk about your performance. What the fuck? Even fuck is wondering what the fuck, which I'm not sure how that works totally, but whatever. I understand you were trying to recreate your Paparazzi video, and that's awesome and I'm all about that even though that wasn't really an original thing to do as far as you were copying your own video, but it was overall a new concept to a VMA performance and I get that these things often have to be thrown together quickly. Also, let's be honest, fake scaring Gabe Saporta who introduced your performance by the sound of a crashing chandelier, was awesome. Then there was you lying on the floor, and because I have seen the video, I was digging it kind of. Other people who had not seen the video, like Becky, were just flabbergasted and very frightened, and then once I explained it was an homage to your own video, she promptly decided she didn't want to see it and left the room until you were done performing. What I'm saying is, you left a lot of people confused and thinking you were crazier than you possibly may be, so you definitely didn't gain any fans. And what was with the crack eyes? You looked so strung out it was ridiculous, and although I'm sure you weren't, I'm unsure of how anyone could fake that look so damn well.

But back to the performance in itself. I was with you through the whole beginning. I even tolerated the random chick in the bedazzled wheelchair, because I got it. Although, the wheelchair could have gone without the bedazzling and no one would have noticed. I was with you while you played the piano, because that takes talent to begin with, and then the way you propped your foot up on the edge of the piano while doing it took balls. Then came the blood. At first I was a little grossed out, but then I remembered I watch CSI and all was well with the world again. I got it that you were dying, and I actually thought it was neat how your outfit poured blood. I could even get into that a little and give you props. Then it happened. One of the most disrespectful things considering the circumstances that I have yet to see to date, and this in MTV we're talking about.

Okay, Gaga, and I am calling you that whether you like it or not, I get why you choose to string your “dead” body up on a rope high above your dancers. Obviously it was because it went with the song, and then the clicking of the cameras indicated you being strung up just so the paparazzi could take a picture of you. I'm not an idiot. However, if you found that the least bit appropriate considering the show was dedicated to Michael Jackson who had just passed under severe paparazzi spotlight, you are. Maybe this was your memorial to him. I don't know, but it was tasteless and lacked any kind of tact. The sad thing is, although I'm unsure why anyone would want to do this in the first place, it may have actually been cool under any other circumstances. Weird and morbid, but cool and different. Obviously you knew that Michael Jackson died prior to planning your performance, and also knew the show would be dedicated to him, so why would you do this? It was just bad timing and very thoughtless, which left me extremely disappointed in not only you, but anyone involved in this piece. Then, let's add the fact that DJ AM recently passed, and while his body was being taken out to the coroner's vehicle, several pictures were snapped by the paparazzi and posted all over the internet of him in a body bag. Then you go and do THAT? You string yourself up and play dead specifically so the paparazzi can take pictures of you while poor DJ AM just had his privacy invaded in death? What in the hell were you thinking? And if you thought this was the least bit okay...please stay off my television set. Thanks.

Also, I want to say I was surprised by your outfits, but I was not. Especially your performance one that highly imitated Madonna in her early days. So maybe you're trying to be her. I don't know, but at least she had taste and gave a heartfelt speech at the beginning of the show, although I know that can't always be said for her. Maybe one day you'll surprise me. What I didn't get was how you covered your face with red lace and then had to hand Eminem your award so you could uncover it, when you clearly knew you were up for an award and could possibly have to make a speech prior to putting it on. That's not fashion, thats certifiable.

Texts concerning this matter that you should know about:

*I think Lady Gaga is stoned.

Don't worry, I also have a bundle of IMs concerning you, too:

*“She actually had to hand her microphone to someone and take the clothe off her face.”
“You read that right.”
“Don't think you didn't.”

*“And then she kills herself in the end, and as inappropriate as that was, I was a little sad she came back to life.” (Look, this is about as inappropriate as her performance, and I have a bad sense of humor, so it was a joke. The pot calling the kettle black, maybe, but I wouldn't really want her to die. That's just not cool.)

*Becky: “The one girl... OMG, DOES SHE HAVE A THONG ON HER FACE?”
Me: “I think she does.”

*(Referring to me re-watching the Paparazzi video to try to make sense of, whatever it was she did onstage.)
“There's also a ton of people faking dead in her video.” (Including one with a plastic bag over her head.)
“If you want to do that on NCIS, cool. In a music video? Get help.

*“I swear she gave herself that accent.”
“I feel like I have to check and make sure she's American now.” (She is. Does anyone else get this accent shit she's got going on? I understand she's also part Italian, but Italian's don't talk like they're half from Britain and half from Australia, but only sometimes because it comes and goes. It's not right, man.)

*“I bet her parents are 'proud.” (Much like Kayne's “apology.” Just saying.)

*”Gaga brought Perez Hilton?”
“That was the best she could do?”

*“And now she's fake bleeding"
"Alrighty.”

Dear DJ AM – May You Rest In Peace,
Seriously? That was the best tribute they could do for you? I realize that Michael Jackson's tribute stole the show, but they could have given you more than a minute and a half. I was just waiting for Kanye to run up and go "You can continue with your tribute in a moment...but Michael Jackson's tribute was the best tribute of the year!" It just seemed like it would have fit here, since you got seriously ripped off. I know you're not Michael Jackson, but damn it, you were Adam Goldstein, and somewhere in heaven, you still are. You deserved a speech, too, and a few minute memorial in whatever way people chose fit. What you did not deserve was the lackluster performance by Kid Cudi, Wale, and UCB with a picture of you with your date of birth and death splashed across the big screen. You deserved more! I would picket in the streets, but this is Pennsylvania and probably only one in every two thousand people who saw me would even know who you were, and I would probably only cross ten people out here. So consider this me picketing for you! I hope one day soon someone does something much better to remember you by! (Travis Barker, I think this basically means you!)

Dear Eminem,
You are my new hero. When Lady Gaga made you hold her award for her so she could uncover her face, which was covered in red lace for God knows what reason, and you could so obviously tell that it was taking everything in you to not smash her over the head for her own stupidity with her own award, I fell in love with you right there and then. I realize we've had a rocky relationship over the years and I've doubted your since awesomeness, but never again, my friend. This is a new beginning for us.

Since you like to make fun of normally deserving people, this IM is a shout out to you:

“EMINEMMMM...I HAVE MORE PEOPLE TO ADD TO YOUR LIST! (of people who deserve to be made fun of)!”

Dear Pink,
For you, I find myself speechless once again, but this time in a good way. It seems you always do this to me, and I'm normally a motormouth, so damn you and thank you all the same. I was aware that you were known for your acrobatics and ability to sing live while doing them during your concerts, however, I hadn't seen it until this very night. Although not a totally new concept for you, it brought something new to the table at the VMAs. I really didn't expect less from you, as you always shock in the good way. You're the anti-Gaga and Madonna, as far as they always found a way to shock and gross people out at the same time, where you shock people in a pleasantly surprising way where all they want to do is keep on watching you to see what you're going to do next, and if, in fact, you would be willing to ride a John Deere down the streets of LA for real. There's not a person in that audience, or in the audience of those on the other side of the television, that expected what you did. Sure, I don't know all these people, but I would bet twelve dollars and three cents on that, because honestly, that's all I have. Your performance was so incredibly physically challenging that I often wondered at times if you were even singing live, because, as a singer myself, I couldn't imagine ever being able to do that. Then came certain parts of the performance, certain notes that made me realize you were, and near flawlessly, too. Although you scared the shit out of me several times despite being on wires, and my heart stopped, I still bow down to the gloriousness that is your talent and body strength. I am not so secretly very jealous and envying you in every way but the way that you wore a heart shaped pastie over your boob. That I did not get. Other than that, though, I'm just going to go brew about how jealous I am of your talent. This could take a few years.

Dear Beyonce,
What a classy, elegant, and talented lady you are. Although I wasn't really digging your performance, as it seemed to lack the creativity of some other performances of the night, as always, your vocals were smashingly good when you were actually singing live. More to the point, you lifted up an equally incredible nineteen year old girl who had just been beaten down by a douchebag. You let her come out and make her speech in place of your own, and you made her cry tears of joy. It takes a really special person to look past herself, especially in the industry you're in, and let someone else have their moment when it should be yours. Thank you for showing that it's still okay to be a celebrity and have class al at the same time. Gorgeous.

And although this has everything and nothing to do with you, I will share anyway:

*“You know what I think of when I see the Beyonce video (that she was nominated for)? Prepare for it. Joe Jonas.” (This is why.)

This, well, it has everything to do with you:

“I wanna date someone so I can avoid this song and be like I AM NOT A SINGLE LADY! BEYONCE IS NOT MY VOICE!” (Look, Beyonce, I love you, but this song is too repetitive for me, and it drives me bonkers.)

Dear Russell Brand,
Lordy. I think I could actually find you extremely funny if you cut down the sexual innuendo and stuck to the jokes that I know you have brewing deep down inside of you. You know, the funny stuff. When you did tell a clean joke, I laughed hard. Also, the political humor is not cool. Do you even have a legal visa to live in the US? Are you a citizen? No matter how I feel about what you said, agree or disagree, it's still not cool to bring political humor and insults into an awards show that's supposed to be all about the music. Could you please just tell lots of clean jokes with a mix of a few dirty ones that don't have to do directly or indirectly with your personal manly parts? If you could, I promise I would watch everything you're in and make a fan club for you. Thanks.

Please enjoy these pre-VMA texts concerning you, and your identity and recognizability:

Becky: “Bad sign when I don't know who the guy is hosting the VMAs, and he looks like a homeless druggie.”
Me: “Russell Brand, and with as funny as he is, he may as well be. It might make him funny.”
(We all know I explained that I think he's funny, but that's like point two percent of the time when he's no being vulgar. Take that out and I think we'd have a very hilarious man on our hands.)

Here is also an IM I feel you should be aware of:

*Becky: He reminds me of Johnny Depp's version of Willy Wonka. (I'm still unsure if this is an insult or a compliment, but with Becky, I'm thinking it's both.)

Dear Leighton Meester,
Why are you so damn adorable? You looked a little deer in the headlights while you were on stage, and your dress didn't flatter you as well as it could have, but it took me watching the show twice because I have no life, to realize this, because you're just so damn awesome. I can't explain why I think this, but you just seem warm and friendly and I would adopt you as my new BFF, but that's extremely creepy and not possible.

Dear Jack Black,
Ahahaha! Although I think you may have frightened poor Leighton, and may have been the possible reason she looked so deer in the headlights, I think that may be okay. Also, you almost took out Pete Wentz, which was his fault and I adore him, and still very funny. So basically what I'm saying is you can totally scare and almost kill people I absolutely adore, and somehow that still makes you the number one super funny man in my book.

Dear Taylor Lautner,
When Shakira slid on the steps and almost wiped out, you caught her. You also walked down the stairs with your hand on her back. Then, when Kristen Stewart tried to walk down them in high heels, you faced her while putting your hand to hers to make sure she didn't fall, while leading her down the stairway, while Rob walked behind her I guess to serve as cushioning in case she fell backwards. What a gentleman you are. You're only seventeen and I know this is a lot to ask, but stay that way.

We IMed about you, too. And don't worry, we know you're illegal. We're just kidding. Kinda:

*“So he says to Bella, “Stay. Don't go to Edward.” And let's be honest, if someone who looks like that says that to you...would you even consider going after Robert Pattinson? I'm thinking not in a million years.” (Again, are we the only non Robert girls?)

Dear Tyson Ritter,
One has to wonder after seeing your...umm...outfit, if we can call it that, which I don't think we can, but I don't have another word for it, if that's what happens if you sleep with Lady Gaga. I'm not saying you did, but with all her glitter and freaky fashion, I have to imagine if one were to do so, they would automatically look like that upon waking up. It would just transfer from her to you and you'd wear it like a badge of honor. This is seriously the only reason I can think of why you would come out looking like that. Well that, and you need to lay off the alcohol that you've made no secret about hitting so heavily. Also, as Becky pointed out in a few words or less, “wow, this cover of AAR sounds like shit. Why didn't they get ARR to do it?” *Insert few second pause here* “Oh wait, that is AAR.” Dude, you're extremely talented. Lay off the booze! Be awesome again. You can do it. I have faith. Here I am cheerleading for you! (And not in any kind of dirty way. Don't get any ideas.) Although, I do have to say you defending Taylor wins you some points. Then again, did anyone not defend Taylor?

Dear Katy Perry,
Other than doing a promo for the show, that's all you got to do for the VMAs? That's it? You're so awesome and they only let you sing for a minute while introducing Russell Brand. You.got.gipped. Next year you better get a full out performance so you can rock it. Also, I am glad Taylor won Female Video of the Year, because I love her dearly, but you should have won something for Hot N Cold. The creativity in that video blows my mind. You in a wedding dress riding a bike and finding a zebra. This is all I'm saying.

Dear Hayley Williams,
You always handle losing so well. One day you're going to win like nine hundred awards all at once just because your head won't get big after losing so many times. Also, how is that you're this many kinds of awesome and you still lose? There's something wrong with the world, and I blame Kanye.

Dear New Moon Trailer,
I know that you can't read, so you'll never see this, but it's not like anyone who I just wrote a dear John letter to is going to see this anyway, so I'm going for it. You were awesome, however, there was no major fight scene once Edward, Bella and Alice were inside of the Volturi castle. If I remember correctly, they also didn't want Bella, but I could be wrong on this. Either way, why do you gotta go and change things, oh director whose name I don't remember? Either way, I think the movie looks good. I'm confused, though, on how, when Bella had Jacob begging her to stay with him, and the option to fly to Italy to save Edward, how she could leave Jacob for Edward. I think I'm the only girl in the world who doesn't find Robert Pattinson cute. I'm just saying if it was between he and Taylor, there's no way I'd fly halfway around the country for him. I know this is illegal considering Taylor's age, thus why I am simply just saying. I don't want to get arrested.

Dear iJustine,
You're that girl from my hometown who got the three hundred page AT&T iPhone bill in a box. I remember that. I'm not sure how you became a Vjay for MTV, but I'm not hating it.

Dear Kid From iCarly Whose Name I Don't Know,
The subtle way in which you pointed out the awesomeness of Taylor Swift, while also telling Kayne to suck it, was awesome. You couldn't have been any older than what? Fourteen? Someone needs to give you an award for tactfully telling someone where to stick it without saying anything mean at all. Keep that up, and you might just win some kind of humanitarian award.

I am now out of people to write letters to, so I will just share the texts in my phone concerning the VMAs directly, and not a specific person. Some of these have been condensed as not to fry your brains worse than they're sure to do already.. See? I do care about you guys.

*Me: “If you're not working, we should have a VMA party. And by that, I mean consume alcohol and act silly while “watching” the VMAs.”
(If you've been reading this blog for awhile, you know neither of us are drinkers. Thus why this would be hilarious if we tried.)

This later turned into:

*Becky: “Dude, I could tape it and turn it into a drinking game after work. I could take a drink every time they swear, bleeped or not. Drunk within five minutes.”
*Me: “Hahaha! We're really giving it a whole five minutes?”

IMs concerning the whole show:

*Becky: “DUDE, THEY'RE BLEEPING HO?” (I really love how this was both a statement and a question. That Becky, she's multi-talented.)
Me: “Dude, I coulda gotten drunk just off of that.” (Concerning the texts, and the fact that they bleeped ho about fifty billion times in thirty seconds.)

*“I never watch these without alcohol.” (Okay, that's kind of true. It's a two year tradition, ever since I was legal to drink, but I never have more than one, so that's the extent of my drinking. One on VMA night once a year, but I didn't this year.)

This was closely followed by:

*“I need alcohol.” (But never got any.)

*“Good to know all you have to do is take your clothes off to win these.” (With the exception of Taylor and a very rare few others such as Katy to the Perry. What! Of course Katy didn't win, either, which prompts a WHAT?)

Conerning Pete Wentz in an IM:

*“I love how Pete does two things.”
“He looks bored and chews gum.”
“Every time they show him.”

Concerning Billy Joel of Greenday in an IM:

*“I can't say I've ever heard him talk (before).”
“Does he, by chance, do the voice of Kermit?”
“He sounds like he'd do an awesome impression.”

Concerning Gabe Saporta and how he looks older than Pete Wentz in an IM:

*We'll just blame Uruguay since he's from there.” (No idea what that has to do with him looking older than Pete when he's not, but okay. Go me. Good thing I wasn't drinking. Don't drink and IM. It should be a law.)

Concerning Muse, or News, as I like to call them:

*“Just wait until they have a band play from another country, and you can't understand Gerard Butler, so you assume they're called News but you don't know, and they suck.” (Sorry Muse fans. I was far less than impressed by my first impression of them.)

Concerning Becky and Cyndi Lauper in IM:

“GIRL!
“You don't know who Cyndi Lauper is?!”
“BECKY!”
“I JUST...”
“WE HAVE..”
“GOD!” (Yes, I got so flustered I actually couldn't even make sense. Not that I tried, but still. I just...we have...)

Concerning Jay-Z performing on the VMAs after vowing he was retiring quite awhile ago in IM:

*“He did like nine farewell tours.”
“Everyone's over it.”
“You can only do so many farewell tours before people get angry.”
“Cher...Babara Striesand.” (Yeah, I went there.)

*Becky: “I feel dumber just watching this.”
Me: “Dude, our questionable IQs just dropped ten points.”

Let's not say who this is concerning so I don't die, in IM:

*“When you fuck up rapping, you need shot.” (Not really, but you do need to have your record contract promptly voided and forever forgotten about.)
“How do you fuck up rapping?”

Concerning....in IM:

“Okay, Diddy? Did he finally pick a name?”

Concerning, well, the obvious in IM:

*“Okay, why as soon as things are over, does everyone get up and try to leave at the one time?”
“That never works.”
“You can not all leave at the same time. It does not logically or physically make sense. Or scientifically, either.” (This doesn't just apply to celebrities. Think of the last concert you went to and how long it took you to get out of the venue, and then out of the parking lot. Yeah...)

I know there was more to the VMAs to this, way more, but I could go on for a month. I'm doing you all a favor by stopping, and the above were my favorite moments. Also, the opinions above are mine and mine alone. No one else's. Also, they're just opinions, you guys. Don't throw a cow at me, or lose your bananas, okay? I don't like being hit. Cool.

Also, I don't promote violence of any kind. I feel like I have to keep saying this, so I will. The things I say are never things I'd do. I have a bad sense of humor, and if you know me, you'd crack up at how I say this stuff, but if you don't, I understand how this comes out wrong. But I want to be clear on all of this. I'm not violent, would never hurt anyone, stalk anyone, and I don't mean to offend anyone. I even make fun of myself constantly, so really, it evens out. I'm an equal opportunity insulter.