I Love Ikea but Only Like Pointy Things

Again with the not updating with awesome stories. I know how I’m being right now. Go ahead and smack the bitch, but please do it somewhere that it won’t be painful. What I’m saying is, don’t actually smack me. Just pretend to inside your head. Cool? Oh, and I also added some inappropriate comments, because what's this blog without inappropriate comments to already borderline inappropriate other things? It's nothing, I tell you!

First of all, I want to notate the change in layout on this blog. Again, I didn’t make it. I don’t have the right kind of talents for that. I was in love with my summer one and really didn’t want to let it go. However, I think this one reflects fall quite nicely, don’t you? Rhetorical question, don’t worry. Unless I decide to have a quiz on it. Which I may.

Sorry guys and gals, but this blog will again consist of funny text messages, tweets, and IMs. I actually started saving my IMs, you guys! For the most part there will be no explanations to any of the following. If there is, they’re in italics. I want to explain everything, but it’s funnier without me doing so.

First up to bat; texts from my phone. Anytime there are a group of one liners together, it means I texted them in that exact order, each individually over several minutes, as they were way funnier left apart than they would be if I condensed them into one big texts. The dashes notate a new, separate text, and the spaces notate a text without friends. And by friends, I mean similar texts to group it with, or texts that were sent together.

- My mom found a picture of me with long, curly hair and went, “Oh my God, you look like Ziva.” It was awkward.

It helps if I explain who Ziva is. She is is a character on NCIS, and played by Cote De Pablo. Oh, and I won't post the picture of me in question. Don't ask.

- Best standalone line in a show this week: “Did you hear about the telepathic experiments the Russians did with rabbits?”

- In this movie this lady is having an affair with a guy who resembles Tim Gunn in every way, and I just wanna scream, “DON’T DO IT! HE’S GAY!”

Look, I love gay men, but sleeping with them is hard to do if you're a woman. Unless it's for slumber parties, then they're all up in that business. Ah, there is a reason gay men are my favorite people in the history of forever!

- Elmo the puppet has a mom! And they’re on the Today show! And she has a southern accent! My life is complete!

Okay, I know everyone has to have a mom, but he's a puppet for CRYING OUT LOUD! This is freaking awesome! Sorry, kids. I was just joking about the whole puppet thing. Go back to what you were doing. Nothing to see here. Dum, de, dee, dum, dah.

-I couldn’t go back. I’d cry while rocking back and fourth.
-*Insert Becky agreeing with this here*
-So what we’re saying is we’d rock back and fourth for like a day, and then realize there’s this thing called sun and real people who say words, too.
- Or we’d never leave our phones. It’s a toss up.

This deserves an explanation, or else you might want to lock me up in the looney bin. Well, you might want to do that anyway, but refrain. This is Becky and me talking about what would happen if we had dial-up instead of DSL, considering the amount of time we spend on our computers.

- Win! Win! Win! I don’t really know where they were going with that, but win!

- He does look like a penis! WIN!

- 8 in a non kind of date way, but come on. It’s morning. You’re hungry.

This was referring to a text I got from my friend asking me that, and I quote, “If I woke up and found her next to me in bed, what I would do?” I’m not a lesbian, and number eight was make her breakfast. Everything else was sexual. I was cornered.

- And I don’t get when rappers go “gurrrl.”

For a good example of this, go here. This was actually the song I heard it on, and then immediately sent the text referring to, but I know damn well it's said in many rap songs. Can anyone explain this to me? Why can't they just say girl and call it a night? By the way, I have no idea what that song is. Anyone know that, too?

- Is it inappropriate to email the one kid from Ghost Hunters and confess my adoration for him because he’s from here, or is that borderline creepy?
- By the way, I know the answer to that and I wouldn’t.

I would never do that, because it’s creepy and for other obvious reasons. However, if you watch the show, I was referring to Tango. He and Steve crack me up, but he seems nicer than Steve. Yes, I have succumbed to analyzing characters on a reality show. But seriously, isn’t Tango much more awesome than Brian? This is not a multiple choice question. The answer is yes. Also in that category is, could they have taken worse pictures of these guys to put on the site? The answer to that is no.

- Nice. I have a reversely talented phone, which would probably make it not talented.

Then, it a change of events, one of my friends of whom I will not mention their name, had a very heartbreaking week. I thought I would step in and be the voice of reason.

- Is there anything I can do for you that’s legal, or semi-legal?
- *Insert her answering no and me trying to re-reason with her*
- Anything illegal? I can’t promise I’ll do it, but you can throw it out there.

I think I need to stop here and notate that I would not do anything illegal, semi-illegal, nor do I promote violence. Any violence that goes on is in my head, and my head isn’t at all violent.

- Grr. That makes me want to load up my purse with rocks and “accidentally” hit him with it.
- I don’t know if it’s sad that I wasn’t joking.
- You can hit me for saying this. I’ll even put rocks in in my purse and hand it to you.

- When you feel up to it, let me know, and we’ll work something super awesome out. We can even make drunk people dance with toilet paper.

This refers back to this post from this blog, where she made people dance with toilet paper. Seriously, she did. I love her! I want to try this!

- This makes me want to angry Facebook message him, but I will not. So not my place, so I’ll do it in my head.

- That’s where my philosophical-ness ended. And I realized I’ve become one of those “there’s a reason” people that I hate.

- Yeah, well, fuck him in the bad way. Seriously. But food is very good. Ya food!

- Now all you need is Dustin to text you and you can officially mark your week as optional, as in, if you want to pretend it doesn’t exist, you can.
- You’ll be calling work and being like “Look, today is canceled on the account that I said so. Oh, and I saw a pig fly.”

- Whars up with boys being jerks? Yes, whars. New word. Holla! (Remind me to never say that again. Never mind, I’ll remember.)

- I’d also like to point out that in one of my texts, I may or may not have used the phrase “humongo jerk.” I would have posted that alleged text on here, but I would really not like to give away any private details of the situation, so I’ll keep it as it is and not say anything more.

The following is a public service announcement. Becky ask the begging question, and I answer with the poise, dignity and grace that I carry with me everywhere. Yep, another mystery solved for the ten and below age bracket. Now you know why this happens. (P.S. - Not really, so if you see a child molester van, GET THE HECK OUT OF THERE!)

- Why must the child molester van be parked next to my car?
- Cause it makes mean people like me laugh.

This next text is very close to my heart. It was a forward from my friend, and although I don’t drink and would do this totally sober, she knows that and thought of me when this text came across her phone. I’m touched. So touched, that the second part of it is my answer to her. (No, I don’t go around scaring children. I LOVE children. Also, I’m not a child molester, just in case you were wondering from the last post. Nor do I know any. Nor do I want to. Nor do I condone it. Got it?)

- There’s a report of a drunk, naked idiot wearing snow boots, riding a lawn mower down the highway. Where the fuck are you going now?
- Toys R Us to scare the kiddies.

Next up we have my Tweets. When you hear the term tweet, do you just want to make a ton of bird sounds? You don’t? So that’s just me, then? Crap.

- I don’t know the theme (song) from Oprah. Is that bad?

- I wrote PA’s obituary 22 years ago. I gave it a year and realized even as a baby that this place was dead.

- This commercial: My dino-saur be stealing my Chef-Boy-R-D.

- Yes, you heard me. Blue hairs polka dancing and saying, “What happens at the Caribou, stays at the Caribou Lodge.”

- I think I’m disappointed that I just learned the “place” you’ve been talking about non stop for two days, is a video game. Great.

In my defense, I’m not a gamer. And the place he had been talking about was called Arkham Asylum. How was I to know that was a Batman game? When he talked about it like it was a place, I had no reason to Google it. Besides that, I could totally see him either ghost hunting at an asylum, or being one drink away from being committed to one. Note to self: Google EVERYTHING this specific person says. Just go for it. Every few words, just do it.

This was in an @ reply to a friend of mine who was looking for something to do. He never did get back to me. I’m guessing he went with door number two.

- Are you looking for ideas that will, or will not get you arrested.

Gee, I hope he didn’t get arrested. Steve, if you’re still out there, you haven’t been arrested, right? RIGHT?

And, because I actually saved my IMs this time instead of being a super jerk, I can lovingly share those with you. This is where I really get ridiculous, as opposed to before. That was only slightly ridiculous.

- You’d be crossing a serious line if you were IMing me from the shower. I know I can’t see you, but that’d be creepy.

- I’m tinking.
- Yes, tinking.
- It’s like thinking, only more creative.

- I don’t get why people want to act like that.
- And by “that” I mean like The Girls Next Door and drunken fools. “That” just became a multi-talented word.

Okay, look. To those of you who like The Girls Next Door, I liked the original girls, too. Except, I just liked Kendra a lot less than the rest of the girls. These new girls, though, seem pretty ditzy, so it fit into my genre of “that.”

- He’s gay or Brendon. I don’t know if that helps any.

- *Gives you a few minutes...gets in an argument with time...takes back the few minutes and gives them back to time...time is happy...waits*

- And I take it this isn’t the good Pete Wentz - Jason.

This needs explained for it to be funny, I realize. It’s the exception to the rule. Back in the day Pete Wentz did an interview where he told the girl his name was Jason. She believed him and continued to call him Jason throughout the entire interview. And note to all interviewers, KNOW who you’re interviewing before you continually call a person the wrong name, but only after hitting on them in a sexual manner.

- I’m having songwriting issues. I know what I’m feeling. I just don’t want to share.
- And by share, I mean I don’t want to share with my song, which is an issue.

- We should make Snickerdoodles in the shape of PUMPKINS!
- Okay, pumpkins might not do it.
- But I’ll have you know we will have fun!

P.S. - I already did this, but I want to do it again. Eventually, I’ll eat these and need more. And how can you be sad when cookies are involved? Easy, you can’t.

- Is it sad when I see that picture I don't even see the boys or the musical equipment? All I can think is, "You got paid five million dollars and YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE CURTAINS!"
- I mean, those are sheets.
- That someone PINNED UP THERE!
- He's worth more money than I'll ever see in a lifetime, and he's PINNING SHEETS TO WINDOWS!
- Kill me.
- Just kill me.
- The designer in me died totally.
- No, better yet, kill him.
- Just kill him.
- And then they're ugly on top of it!
- What did he do? Raid a teen camp? He did, didn't he? Like a teen Bible camp!

Other than him, who does this? And why do they let him out in public? It’s not like he dresses any better. Also, I don’t condone killing this person. He might be special, but it’s totally okay.

- But can I just say something? Can we stop with the Don’t Stop Believing? Why does no one do any Journey song but that one? They wrote a ton of songs, but everyone does that one.

Why people? WHY? I mean, we have this song, and this song, and even this song. All which are good songs. No, great songs. Not as poppy as Don’t Stop Believing, so really, can we MOVE ON from that song now? THANK YOU!

- I blame a lot of things on Brendon. You’ll learn this.

- It’s pointy.
- Which immediately reminds me of the girl on Recess that always ran around going, “I like pointy things,” In a really creepy voice.

Does anyone else remember her, but me? She’s so vidid in my mind, it’s beyond creepy.

Then, for add to the amusement, I went off on Becky on an Ikea rant. Even though this is all about Ikea, anything grouped together was typed together before she had a chance to type anything. Anything around that means she typed something and I answered back. What she said isn’t important, though. What is important is my ever growing love for Ikea.

- I love Ikea.
- The real Ikea.
- Not their idea of Ikea.
- Have you ever been to Ikea?

- I MUST TAKE YOUR IKEA VIRGINITY!

- There are one billion and sixty four ways (I counted) to have fun at Ikea. There’s zero ways not to.

- Contrary to popular belief, the people all speak English there. And the ones who don’t speak it well, speak Chinese.
- When you figure out how that works, let me know.
- Seriously, there are no foreign people working at our Ikea, except the Chinese.

Okay, here we go again with the violence. First up we have Becky, then we have me offering to so nicely help her out like any good friend would do. Unfortunately, I never did get an answer out of her, as she decided to just tell me what was going on. End of summer bummer.

- Can I kick him?
- If I can help.

And to end this lovely blog with, just so you know that the funny doesn’t just come from my end, or the ridiculous, we have this. Becky’s IM is first, and then we rotate every other IM.

- So I was thinking.
- Would you stop doing that? You’re making me seem stupider.
- Fuck, I lost my train of thought...wait, it’s back! Shut up.
- Okay, I feel smarter again. Sorry, I know I wasn’t supposed to comment, but I had to.
- SHUT UP, YOU BITCH!
- Neener! Neener! Neener! *Wears Bitch hat*

Okay, Folks. That’s all I have for today. Hopefully I’ll be back up and running again soon. Busy, busy.

P.S. - Can you tell I like Ikea? Did I express that enough?