Dear VMAs "I'll let you get back to your show in a minute, but I just gotta say..."

My VMA review, complete with letters, texts, videos, and other things concerning this matter. Everything is by me unless otherwise marked. Awesome?

But first of all, I would just like to send all my good, warm thoughts out to Patrick Swayze's family. I'm not going to sit here and lie and say that I was very familiar with him as a person, or as an actor, because I wasn't. Still, though, an iconic life was lost, and I do realize the movies he brought to us, although I haven't seen most of them, and the people he's touched with his talent and his time here on earth. May he Rest In Peace, and may everyone else rest assured knowing that he is no longer suffering inside of his body, and has gone to a better place where he will forever be comforted.

Dear VMAs,
It was so nice of you to move back to New York. Now, don't get me wrong, it was awesome to have the VMAs in other places such as Las Vegas and LA, but the sets you had, well, they quite frankly sucked. Especially the one in LA last year. It was like a tacky wedding cake mixed with a clown, and yeah, it was just that bad. I mean, you put world wide recording artists who make millions of dollars each year and live in mansions, on bleachers. Do you hear me? BLEACHERS! This is never acceptable! I'm poor and I wouldn't want to sit on bleachers for two and a half hours. My ass goes “ouch” just thinking about it. Not cool, guys. Then, to add to it, you literally shoved a very poorly designed stage right in the middle of a sound studio and did nothing to cover up the fact that that's exactly what you did. If you have no creativity, and no offense, but after last year, I'm concerned about this matter, then New York City is the right place to be. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that you don't have to be creative to be in New York. That would be incorrect. You do, but you are also familiar with the stage and can make it work ever so awesomely for the awards at hand. Also, for some reason the film seemed to be a higher grade this year, and the camera angles made a lot more sense as in we could actually tell what the hell the artist was doing. Coincidental to the move? I think not.

Oh, but P.S. - Next year could you go back to having the red carpet arrivals during the daylight hours where we can actually see the artists and not feel like we're either wearing beer goggles, or on a medication that makes us drowsy? With all the sparkles that adorned the artists this year, plus the lights to compensate for the obvious nightfall, it kind of made me feel like a cheap, high hooker. Or wait, maybe that's just because it was unflattering and made the artists look that way. But hey, good job on picking Ashley Greene to co-host. Twilight fan or not, she's just adorable. (Minus the naked pictures scandal, but I'm willing to forget about all that like you all have done. Truce?)

Dear Madonna,
Okay, look, you've never been my favorite person, mostly because you confuse me. You're like this awesome humanitarian and crazy person all mixed into one, and I just can't decide how I feel about you because of that. Also, your music isn't my cup of tea, and some of your performances are quite frankly, scary. I do think you're talented, though. And I have to say, Evita was above and beyond. After your more than stellar performance in that movie, I could never truly not like you, but I do wish you'd stop with the kitchy music and go for Broadway, because I'm pretty sure that would make you my favorite person ever, and I'd come and see all your shows at least ten times each. But that's just a suggestion. You know, whatever.

Anyway, this isn't about you and your music. This is about you and your touching tribute to Michael Jackson. I really don't know if tribute was the right word, because in a way, it felt like a eulogy to him, too. Not that I'm knocking that, because I'm not. What I'm saying is it was very touching and I had no idea that you had those kind, wonderful words in you. It was delightfully unexpected and beautifully spoken. And as he looks down from heaven, I'm sure he had a sense of peace knowing he was really adored and loved so much, in such a sincere and true way. Thank you for sharing your stories of your times and relationship with him on national television. You were truly the only person who could have given such a speech, and it left me both shocked and tearful, and one of those things I did not think you could leave me by just being yourself. Let me give you a hint as to which one. It's not the first one.

Dear Janet Jackson and All the Dancers Who Took Part In the Michael Jackson Tribute,
Beautiful. Well executed. Moving. Heart wrenching. Incredible. All of this words, well, they go out to you. I was unsure of what to expect when I heard there was going to be a Michael Jackson tribute, and knowing the VMAs, I knew it was either going to go delightfully right, or tragically wrong. I was pleasantly surprised that it was the first one, and even more pleased when Janet was chosen to organize and motivate the tribute. She was his sister, so the choice could not have been better, obviously. But sometimes you turds at MTV make me wonder if you really think these things out before doing them. This time, you thought something out, so ya you. The videos of him on the big screen, the dancers flawlessly executing the exact same dance moves as Michael's image looked down upon them, and the heavenly image of him at the end of the tribute all made this an absolutely stunning television moment that will be replayed, enjoyed, and go down in history as one of the best memorials to Michael. I also heard that Cris Judd was one of the dancers, although I couldn't really pick him out. Another good choice. Just in case no one patted you on the back for this, I shall. *Pats Back* Moving on.

Janet, you specifically are such an incredible talent, and when you shattered through that glass wall and came out to perform Scream with your brother's image high on the screen just like it was when the two of you made that video, it was one of those inspiring moments that even made my ADHD take a break to focus only on you. I guess up until last night I hadn't realized how much you and Michael were alike when it came to your performance talents, but the two of you really are; always will be. You can still keep up with the likes of Pink, who will we get to later, and capture an audience a million times over. At the end it was clear you were teary eyed and trying to hold back, as was expected. I just want to say thank you for coming out and putting your heart and soul into honoring the greatest performer of our time, your brother, when it may have been too soon for you, the wounds still so fresh. You are a strong and incredible woman, and he is proud of you know, and was also proud to have been able to call such an inspiring woman his sister, no doubt.

Dear Kanye West,
Seriously, dude? Just...seriously? Because you totally don't get enough press, and people, including myself, were already on the fence about if you were a douchebag or not. Thanks for confirming the fact and sealing the deal. I'm not going to go on about this for three years like I could, because everyone and their mother has covered this; people far more famous than me. But you took a microphone off a nineteen year old girl and insulted her. Good job, asshat! That will go down in the douche hall of fame. You freaking broke her heart just to ramble on about someone else's video, someone else who was extremely embarrassed by this. Your mother, the one who taught you MANNERS, the one you loved dearly who just passed away and is attempting to rest in peace, would be so ashamed of you right now. You made a young girl cry and you call yourself a man? You should really rethink that. This is not a suggestion. Oh, and for the record, upsetting a young girl that everyone loves when people are on the fence about what kind of person you really are is just a bad move.

These are what the texts from my phone have to say about you. Secondary non text commentary is in parenthesis:

*Pink referring to Kanye: “He's just a...toolbox.” (Pink, is this one step up from a tool? I love you!)

*They're calling the Kanye thing the Douchebag Olympics (On E!) and marking it as his attempt to outdo Jon Gosselin. I'm in love with this. (Sadly, I think he may have outdone Jon, but I can't decide. There's no way to measure just how douchey Jon is, so it makes it hard to measure if Kanye is more douchey. Team Kate and Taylor ALL THE WAY!)

We didn't forget to give you a shout out, or maybe just a shout through IMs either:

“Maybe he'll get in a fight with Lady GaGa and she'll kill him.” (If you saw her performance plus her Paparazzi video, this makes sense.)

Someone from the website Texts From Last Night even weighed in on this, and it's totally safe to say they hit the nail on the head:

*(404): i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ". (This is an exact copy and paste. I didn't make this shit up. This person, dead on. If you wrote that and you see this, let's be friends.)

MTV has also weighed in on this issue with two websites of their own:

*The first involves a mash up of Kanye West interrupting Barack Obama. That's all I'm saying about this. Again, dead on. It's even better than the person interrupting Obama with his duck ring tone. Okay, apparently that was not all I was saying.

*Then there's this. It's a Kanye “apology” letter generator, and it's probably more sincere than his real “apology” that we all know wasn't an apology at all since his ego would never let him do such, thus why “apology” is in parenthesis. Even MTV agrees it was an “apology.” And as you all know, I wouldn't let you down. I had to make my own apology letter just for you guys using said generator just to see how dead on and hilarious it was. I give it an eleven out of ten. Is that even possible?

KANYE APOLOGY CITY

I'M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND KATY PERRY FOR SASHAYING THE SPORK. I SPOKE TO KATY PERRY RIGHT AFTER. TAYLOR SWIFT IS VERY CANTANKEROUS !!........... I'M IN THE WRONG FOR HAPPILY SKIPPING AND PERUSING!!!!!!!! I'M SORRY TO MY FANS IF I LET YOU GUYS DOWN!!!!! I'M SORRY TO MY FRIENDS AT BIG MACHINE RECORDS! I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR SWIFT 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I'M A FAN OF PUMPKIN!!! Y'ALL KNOW!!! BOOOOYAAAWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!! HOMIE FO SHIZZLEI GAVE MY DOG TOY TO SELENA GOMEZ WHEN THEY DESERVED IT... THAT'S WHAT IT IS!!!!!!!!!! I'M NOT CRAZY YALL, I'M JUST BEING REAL. SORRY FOR THAT!!!MUCH RESPECT!!!!!

Also, just a side note. What “fans” is Kanye apologizing to? Is he so sure he still has them after Sunday night?

By the way, in case you haven't seen the real “apology” letter of which this was derived from, please go here and laugh just as hard.

Dear Taylor Swift,
How do you continue to handle everything with such beauty and grace? This stumps me fully, but allows me to know why everyone loves you. And I do mean everyone, from Donald Trump, to Pink, to an entire audience of thousands of people, and the millions more watching who have Tweeted and blogged about you since. Everyone has your back. The nation, the world, celebrities. You are just that awesome and you don't even know it. You are so sweet and humble, and you write songs even the toughest of hearts relate to. You don't swear, misbehave, act out and are genuinely sweet, friendly and you never pretend to be someone else. Just keep doing your thing and you're going to have a lifelong career ahead of you where you will not only get to work with whomever you want, and people will be fighting to work with you, but you'll be beloved by millions who will continually fight for you every time someone tries to come in and take your glory moment just because they weren't nominated for anything and are way jealous. The way you handled yourself onstage was beautiful, although it was obvious you wanted to cry, and America and several other countries wanted to hug you. Period.

And that performance! Although it is doubtful that the part in the subway was actually live considering the lack of amps and the fact that wireless mics work much like cell phones when it comes to being underground, i.e. they normally don't work, and the fact that the sound never changed one bit until you were actually on the streets of New York City, but I could totally be wrong on that. Either way, it was nicely timed and a pleasant surprise. I've seen a lot of performances, and out of everything I thought you could possibly do when yours first started, I didn't think it would include you literally riding a subway. And how does one nineteen year old get two entire subway stations along with two subway lines shut down just for her? Let's not even mention how many people were probably angry over this, but I wasn't one of them because you're Taylor Swift, and even if I used that subway line and would be late for something I would be too in awe that my subway line and / or station was shut down for you. But how does one coordinate that? And who coordinates that? I mean, you, your promoters, the city? And then obviously you had to practice this routine, pre-taped or not, to get the timing to the song down correctly so that you would end up in the city on the right cue and could piece it together as such. That means the subway was shut down for far more than just the two and a half minutes that you were in it for the performance. My theory is someone very high up in the whole subway association, or whatever, I don't know, had kids, and their kids heard that you wanted to use the subway station, and all of a sudden they were like, "holy shit I better shut down the subway station or my kids and all their friends will lynch mob me." Or Donald Trump had something to do with it. Pick one. Either way, you're never anything less than awesome!

Oh, and your acceptance speech, when you did finally get one; A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E. And when you said “Thank you so much!” at the end, it really made me feel like I was watching someone perform a very touching and rawly emotional play on stage, and that was how it ended. It was in your movements, your voice, and the glamorous dress you wore that made you seem like a quintessential star from the 1920's. You are timeless.

Dear, these are my IMs concerning your classy self:

*“I wish I had a personality like hers.”
“But making fun of people is funnier.” (Yeah, yeah, so I might lack some class, but most of it is still in tack. I don't make fun of people and mean it, do it to their face, or steal microphones, and I always end up telling them what I said later, so really I'm just a piece.)

*“I just clapped for Taylor Swift.”
“That's sad, right?” (Seriously, in my living room, on my couch...I clapped...repeatedly.)

*“You just don't hurt T-Swift!.”
“She doesn't do anything (bad) to anyone!”

Dear Abigail,
Yes, this Abigail. (At least I'm pretty sure it was you, and if not, you were awesome enough to be named in one of her songs, so this still applies minus the standing up at the VMAs thing.) Everyone needs a friend like you to come to award shows with them, and stand up and start screaming and clapping for them right while Kanye is still trying to get his sorry ass off the stage. You got everyone going! It take a lot of courage to stand up at the VMAs in front of tons of celebrities when you aren't one and root someone on, and that's why you are the number one most awesome friend in the world.

Dear Lady Gaga (Who I did not look like. Ha, gone is the Alice Cullen hair. I think I found my style, no? I don't think you agree Gaga, if I may informally call you that, because it's a little normal for you, but that's not the point of any of this. I'm just stalling for time.),

I don't even know where to start. I feel speechless, or like this should fall under the theory of “if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all,” but I have to say it. I'm just going to try to be tactful about this. I have never been a fan of yours because you are frightening to small children and people who act like small children when they are frightened. In other words, me. You are unique, but I'm unsure if it's in the good way, and thinking it leans a little more towards the please-lock-me-up-in-a-place-with-pretty-white-walls-and-outfits-that-let-me-hug-myself kind of way. That being said, I do think you're extremely talented. Do I think you write music that really shows off your vocal talent? No, I don't. And I think because of that, you find that you have to be so bizarre just to be remembered. But if you wrote music to really fit your voice, I think people would see that you're an incredible singer with a lot to offer, therefore, if you still wanted to do bizarre performances, you could, but you wouldn't need to. You would be remembered and loved for being an incredible singer, not for being really odd, as I'm learning more people are mortified by you than like you, which I didn't know until recently. I'm really trying to be in your corner, but it's just hard sometimes.

But let's talk about your performance. What the fuck? Even fuck is wondering what the fuck, which I'm not sure how that works totally, but whatever. I understand you were trying to recreate your Paparazzi video, and that's awesome and I'm all about that even though that wasn't really an original thing to do as far as you were copying your own video, but it was overall a new concept to a VMA performance and I get that these things often have to be thrown together quickly. Also, let's be honest, fake scaring Gabe Saporta who introduced your performance by the sound of a crashing chandelier, was awesome. Then there was you lying on the floor, and because I have seen the video, I was digging it kind of. Other people who had not seen the video, like Becky, were just flabbergasted and very frightened, and then once I explained it was an homage to your own video, she promptly decided she didn't want to see it and left the room until you were done performing. What I'm saying is, you left a lot of people confused and thinking you were crazier than you possibly may be, so you definitely didn't gain any fans. And what was with the crack eyes? You looked so strung out it was ridiculous, and although I'm sure you weren't, I'm unsure of how anyone could fake that look so damn well.

But back to the performance in itself. I was with you through the whole beginning. I even tolerated the random chick in the bedazzled wheelchair, because I got it. Although, the wheelchair could have gone without the bedazzling and no one would have noticed. I was with you while you played the piano, because that takes talent to begin with, and then the way you propped your foot up on the edge of the piano while doing it took balls. Then came the blood. At first I was a little grossed out, but then I remembered I watch CSI and all was well with the world again. I got it that you were dying, and I actually thought it was neat how your outfit poured blood. I could even get into that a little and give you props. Then it happened. One of the most disrespectful things considering the circumstances that I have yet to see to date, and this in MTV we're talking about.

Okay, Gaga, and I am calling you that whether you like it or not, I get why you choose to string your “dead” body up on a rope high above your dancers. Obviously it was because it went with the song, and then the clicking of the cameras indicated you being strung up just so the paparazzi could take a picture of you. I'm not an idiot. However, if you found that the least bit appropriate considering the show was dedicated to Michael Jackson who had just passed under severe paparazzi spotlight, you are. Maybe this was your memorial to him. I don't know, but it was tasteless and lacked any kind of tact. The sad thing is, although I'm unsure why anyone would want to do this in the first place, it may have actually been cool under any other circumstances. Weird and morbid, but cool and different. Obviously you knew that Michael Jackson died prior to planning your performance, and also knew the show would be dedicated to him, so why would you do this? It was just bad timing and very thoughtless, which left me extremely disappointed in not only you, but anyone involved in this piece. Then, let's add the fact that DJ AM recently passed, and while his body was being taken out to the coroner's vehicle, several pictures were snapped by the paparazzi and posted all over the internet of him in a body bag. Then you go and do THAT? You string yourself up and play dead specifically so the paparazzi can take pictures of you while poor DJ AM just had his privacy invaded in death? What in the hell were you thinking? And if you thought this was the least bit okay...please stay off my television set. Thanks.

Also, I want to say I was surprised by your outfits, but I was not. Especially your performance one that highly imitated Madonna in her early days. So maybe you're trying to be her. I don't know, but at least she had taste and gave a heartfelt speech at the beginning of the show, although I know that can't always be said for her. Maybe one day you'll surprise me. What I didn't get was how you covered your face with red lace and then had to hand Eminem your award so you could uncover it, when you clearly knew you were up for an award and could possibly have to make a speech prior to putting it on. That's not fashion, thats certifiable.

Texts concerning this matter that you should know about:

*I think Lady Gaga is stoned.

Don't worry, I also have a bundle of IMs concerning you, too:

*“She actually had to hand her microphone to someone and take the clothe off her face.”
“You read that right.”
“Don't think you didn't.”

*“And then she kills herself in the end, and as inappropriate as that was, I was a little sad she came back to life.” (Look, this is about as inappropriate as her performance, and I have a bad sense of humor, so it was a joke. The pot calling the kettle black, maybe, but I wouldn't really want her to die. That's just not cool.)

*Becky: “The one girl... OMG, DOES SHE HAVE A THONG ON HER FACE?”
Me: “I think she does.”

*(Referring to me re-watching the Paparazzi video to try to make sense of, whatever it was she did onstage.)
“There's also a ton of people faking dead in her video.” (Including one with a plastic bag over her head.)
“If you want to do that on NCIS, cool. In a music video? Get help.

*“I swear she gave herself that accent.”
“I feel like I have to check and make sure she's American now.” (She is. Does anyone else get this accent shit she's got going on? I understand she's also part Italian, but Italian's don't talk like they're half from Britain and half from Australia, but only sometimes because it comes and goes. It's not right, man.)

*“I bet her parents are 'proud.” (Much like Kayne's “apology.” Just saying.)

*”Gaga brought Perez Hilton?”
“That was the best she could do?”

*“And now she's fake bleeding"
"Alrighty.”

Dear DJ AM – May You Rest In Peace,
Seriously? That was the best tribute they could do for you? I realize that Michael Jackson's tribute stole the show, but they could have given you more than a minute and a half. I was just waiting for Kanye to run up and go "You can continue with your tribute in a moment...but Michael Jackson's tribute was the best tribute of the year!" It just seemed like it would have fit here, since you got seriously ripped off. I know you're not Michael Jackson, but damn it, you were Adam Goldstein, and somewhere in heaven, you still are. You deserved a speech, too, and a few minute memorial in whatever way people chose fit. What you did not deserve was the lackluster performance by Kid Cudi, Wale, and UCB with a picture of you with your date of birth and death splashed across the big screen. You deserved more! I would picket in the streets, but this is Pennsylvania and probably only one in every two thousand people who saw me would even know who you were, and I would probably only cross ten people out here. So consider this me picketing for you! I hope one day soon someone does something much better to remember you by! (Travis Barker, I think this basically means you!)

Dear Eminem,
You are my new hero. When Lady Gaga made you hold her award for her so she could uncover her face, which was covered in red lace for God knows what reason, and you could so obviously tell that it was taking everything in you to not smash her over the head for her own stupidity with her own award, I fell in love with you right there and then. I realize we've had a rocky relationship over the years and I've doubted your since awesomeness, but never again, my friend. This is a new beginning for us.

Since you like to make fun of normally deserving people, this IM is a shout out to you:

“EMINEMMMM...I HAVE MORE PEOPLE TO ADD TO YOUR LIST! (of people who deserve to be made fun of)!”

Dear Pink,
For you, I find myself speechless once again, but this time in a good way. It seems you always do this to me, and I'm normally a motormouth, so damn you and thank you all the same. I was aware that you were known for your acrobatics and ability to sing live while doing them during your concerts, however, I hadn't seen it until this very night. Although not a totally new concept for you, it brought something new to the table at the VMAs. I really didn't expect less from you, as you always shock in the good way. You're the anti-Gaga and Madonna, as far as they always found a way to shock and gross people out at the same time, where you shock people in a pleasantly surprising way where all they want to do is keep on watching you to see what you're going to do next, and if, in fact, you would be willing to ride a John Deere down the streets of LA for real. There's not a person in that audience, or in the audience of those on the other side of the television, that expected what you did. Sure, I don't know all these people, but I would bet twelve dollars and three cents on that, because honestly, that's all I have. Your performance was so incredibly physically challenging that I often wondered at times if you were even singing live, because, as a singer myself, I couldn't imagine ever being able to do that. Then came certain parts of the performance, certain notes that made me realize you were, and near flawlessly, too. Although you scared the shit out of me several times despite being on wires, and my heart stopped, I still bow down to the gloriousness that is your talent and body strength. I am not so secretly very jealous and envying you in every way but the way that you wore a heart shaped pastie over your boob. That I did not get. Other than that, though, I'm just going to go brew about how jealous I am of your talent. This could take a few years.

Dear Beyonce,
What a classy, elegant, and talented lady you are. Although I wasn't really digging your performance, as it seemed to lack the creativity of some other performances of the night, as always, your vocals were smashingly good when you were actually singing live. More to the point, you lifted up an equally incredible nineteen year old girl who had just been beaten down by a douchebag. You let her come out and make her speech in place of your own, and you made her cry tears of joy. It takes a really special person to look past herself, especially in the industry you're in, and let someone else have their moment when it should be yours. Thank you for showing that it's still okay to be a celebrity and have class al at the same time. Gorgeous.

And although this has everything and nothing to do with you, I will share anyway:

*“You know what I think of when I see the Beyonce video (that she was nominated for)? Prepare for it. Joe Jonas.” (This is why.)

This, well, it has everything to do with you:

“I wanna date someone so I can avoid this song and be like I AM NOT A SINGLE LADY! BEYONCE IS NOT MY VOICE!” (Look, Beyonce, I love you, but this song is too repetitive for me, and it drives me bonkers.)

Dear Russell Brand,
Lordy. I think I could actually find you extremely funny if you cut down the sexual innuendo and stuck to the jokes that I know you have brewing deep down inside of you. You know, the funny stuff. When you did tell a clean joke, I laughed hard. Also, the political humor is not cool. Do you even have a legal visa to live in the US? Are you a citizen? No matter how I feel about what you said, agree or disagree, it's still not cool to bring political humor and insults into an awards show that's supposed to be all about the music. Could you please just tell lots of clean jokes with a mix of a few dirty ones that don't have to do directly or indirectly with your personal manly parts? If you could, I promise I would watch everything you're in and make a fan club for you. Thanks.

Please enjoy these pre-VMA texts concerning you, and your identity and recognizability:

Becky: “Bad sign when I don't know who the guy is hosting the VMAs, and he looks like a homeless druggie.”
Me: “Russell Brand, and with as funny as he is, he may as well be. It might make him funny.”
(We all know I explained that I think he's funny, but that's like point two percent of the time when he's no being vulgar. Take that out and I think we'd have a very hilarious man on our hands.)

Here is also an IM I feel you should be aware of:

*Becky: He reminds me of Johnny Depp's version of Willy Wonka. (I'm still unsure if this is an insult or a compliment, but with Becky, I'm thinking it's both.)

Dear Leighton Meester,
Why are you so damn adorable? You looked a little deer in the headlights while you were on stage, and your dress didn't flatter you as well as it could have, but it took me watching the show twice because I have no life, to realize this, because you're just so damn awesome. I can't explain why I think this, but you just seem warm and friendly and I would adopt you as my new BFF, but that's extremely creepy and not possible.

Dear Jack Black,
Ahahaha! Although I think you may have frightened poor Leighton, and may have been the possible reason she looked so deer in the headlights, I think that may be okay. Also, you almost took out Pete Wentz, which was his fault and I adore him, and still very funny. So basically what I'm saying is you can totally scare and almost kill people I absolutely adore, and somehow that still makes you the number one super funny man in my book.

Dear Taylor Lautner,
When Shakira slid on the steps and almost wiped out, you caught her. You also walked down the stairs with your hand on her back. Then, when Kristen Stewart tried to walk down them in high heels, you faced her while putting your hand to hers to make sure she didn't fall, while leading her down the stairway, while Rob walked behind her I guess to serve as cushioning in case she fell backwards. What a gentleman you are. You're only seventeen and I know this is a lot to ask, but stay that way.

We IMed about you, too. And don't worry, we know you're illegal. We're just kidding. Kinda:

*“So he says to Bella, “Stay. Don't go to Edward.” And let's be honest, if someone who looks like that says that to you...would you even consider going after Robert Pattinson? I'm thinking not in a million years.” (Again, are we the only non Robert girls?)

Dear Tyson Ritter,
One has to wonder after seeing your...umm...outfit, if we can call it that, which I don't think we can, but I don't have another word for it, if that's what happens if you sleep with Lady Gaga. I'm not saying you did, but with all her glitter and freaky fashion, I have to imagine if one were to do so, they would automatically look like that upon waking up. It would just transfer from her to you and you'd wear it like a badge of honor. This is seriously the only reason I can think of why you would come out looking like that. Well that, and you need to lay off the alcohol that you've made no secret about hitting so heavily. Also, as Becky pointed out in a few words or less, “wow, this cover of AAR sounds like shit. Why didn't they get ARR to do it?” *Insert few second pause here* “Oh wait, that is AAR.” Dude, you're extremely talented. Lay off the booze! Be awesome again. You can do it. I have faith. Here I am cheerleading for you! (And not in any kind of dirty way. Don't get any ideas.) Although, I do have to say you defending Taylor wins you some points. Then again, did anyone not defend Taylor?

Dear Katy Perry,
Other than doing a promo for the show, that's all you got to do for the VMAs? That's it? You're so awesome and they only let you sing for a minute while introducing Russell Brand. You.got.gipped. Next year you better get a full out performance so you can rock it. Also, I am glad Taylor won Female Video of the Year, because I love her dearly, but you should have won something for Hot N Cold. The creativity in that video blows my mind. You in a wedding dress riding a bike and finding a zebra. This is all I'm saying.

Dear Hayley Williams,
You always handle losing so well. One day you're going to win like nine hundred awards all at once just because your head won't get big after losing so many times. Also, how is that you're this many kinds of awesome and you still lose? There's something wrong with the world, and I blame Kanye.

Dear New Moon Trailer,
I know that you can't read, so you'll never see this, but it's not like anyone who I just wrote a dear John letter to is going to see this anyway, so I'm going for it. You were awesome, however, there was no major fight scene once Edward, Bella and Alice were inside of the Volturi castle. If I remember correctly, they also didn't want Bella, but I could be wrong on this. Either way, why do you gotta go and change things, oh director whose name I don't remember? Either way, I think the movie looks good. I'm confused, though, on how, when Bella had Jacob begging her to stay with him, and the option to fly to Italy to save Edward, how she could leave Jacob for Edward. I think I'm the only girl in the world who doesn't find Robert Pattinson cute. I'm just saying if it was between he and Taylor, there's no way I'd fly halfway around the country for him. I know this is illegal considering Taylor's age, thus why I am simply just saying. I don't want to get arrested.

Dear iJustine,
You're that girl from my hometown who got the three hundred page AT&T iPhone bill in a box. I remember that. I'm not sure how you became a Vjay for MTV, but I'm not hating it.

Dear Kid From iCarly Whose Name I Don't Know,
The subtle way in which you pointed out the awesomeness of Taylor Swift, while also telling Kayne to suck it, was awesome. You couldn't have been any older than what? Fourteen? Someone needs to give you an award for tactfully telling someone where to stick it without saying anything mean at all. Keep that up, and you might just win some kind of humanitarian award.

I am now out of people to write letters to, so I will just share the texts in my phone concerning the VMAs directly, and not a specific person. Some of these have been condensed as not to fry your brains worse than they're sure to do already.. See? I do care about you guys.

*Me: “If you're not working, we should have a VMA party. And by that, I mean consume alcohol and act silly while “watching” the VMAs.”
(If you've been reading this blog for awhile, you know neither of us are drinkers. Thus why this would be hilarious if we tried.)

This later turned into:

*Becky: “Dude, I could tape it and turn it into a drinking game after work. I could take a drink every time they swear, bleeped or not. Drunk within five minutes.”
*Me: “Hahaha! We're really giving it a whole five minutes?”

IMs concerning the whole show:

*Becky: “DUDE, THEY'RE BLEEPING HO?” (I really love how this was both a statement and a question. That Becky, she's multi-talented.)
Me: “Dude, I coulda gotten drunk just off of that.” (Concerning the texts, and the fact that they bleeped ho about fifty billion times in thirty seconds.)

*“I never watch these without alcohol.” (Okay, that's kind of true. It's a two year tradition, ever since I was legal to drink, but I never have more than one, so that's the extent of my drinking. One on VMA night once a year, but I didn't this year.)

This was closely followed by:

*“I need alcohol.” (But never got any.)

*“Good to know all you have to do is take your clothes off to win these.” (With the exception of Taylor and a very rare few others such as Katy to the Perry. What! Of course Katy didn't win, either, which prompts a WHAT?)

Conerning Pete Wentz in an IM:

*“I love how Pete does two things.”
“He looks bored and chews gum.”
“Every time they show him.”

Concerning Billy Joel of Greenday in an IM:

*“I can't say I've ever heard him talk (before).”
“Does he, by chance, do the voice of Kermit?”
“He sounds like he'd do an awesome impression.”

Concerning Gabe Saporta and how he looks older than Pete Wentz in an IM:

*We'll just blame Uruguay since he's from there.” (No idea what that has to do with him looking older than Pete when he's not, but okay. Go me. Good thing I wasn't drinking. Don't drink and IM. It should be a law.)

Concerning Muse, or News, as I like to call them:

*“Just wait until they have a band play from another country, and you can't understand Gerard Butler, so you assume they're called News but you don't know, and they suck.” (Sorry Muse fans. I was far less than impressed by my first impression of them.)

Concerning Becky and Cyndi Lauper in IM:

“GIRL!
“You don't know who Cyndi Lauper is?!”
“BECKY!”
“I JUST...”
“WE HAVE..”
“GOD!” (Yes, I got so flustered I actually couldn't even make sense. Not that I tried, but still. I just...we have...)

Concerning Jay-Z performing on the VMAs after vowing he was retiring quite awhile ago in IM:

*“He did like nine farewell tours.”
“Everyone's over it.”
“You can only do so many farewell tours before people get angry.”
“Cher...Babara Striesand.” (Yeah, I went there.)

*Becky: “I feel dumber just watching this.”
Me: “Dude, our questionable IQs just dropped ten points.”

Let's not say who this is concerning so I don't die, in IM:

*“When you fuck up rapping, you need shot.” (Not really, but you do need to have your record contract promptly voided and forever forgotten about.)
“How do you fuck up rapping?”

Concerning....in IM:

“Okay, Diddy? Did he finally pick a name?”

Concerning, well, the obvious in IM:

*“Okay, why as soon as things are over, does everyone get up and try to leave at the one time?”
“That never works.”
“You can not all leave at the same time. It does not logically or physically make sense. Or scientifically, either.” (This doesn't just apply to celebrities. Think of the last concert you went to and how long it took you to get out of the venue, and then out of the parking lot. Yeah...)

I know there was more to the VMAs to this, way more, but I could go on for a month. I'm doing you all a favor by stopping, and the above were my favorite moments. Also, the opinions above are mine and mine alone. No one else's. Also, they're just opinions, you guys. Don't throw a cow at me, or lose your bananas, okay? I don't like being hit. Cool.

Also, I don't promote violence of any kind. I feel like I have to keep saying this, so I will. The things I say are never things I'd do. I have a bad sense of humor, and if you know me, you'd crack up at how I say this stuff, but if you don't, I understand how this comes out wrong. But I want to be clear on all of this. I'm not violent, would never hurt anyone, stalk anyone, and I don't mean to offend anyone. I even make fun of myself constantly, so really, it evens out. I'm an equal opportunity insulter.