Greetings fellow friends! I started writing this blog just a day after our power decided providing us with its services was optional, and then got waylaid by helping Mike find himself a new home, and here I am a lot of days later just getting around to posting. Two thumbs down, self, two thumbs down.
About the power outage; apparently a huge storm went through the area that missed our immediate area, but we still lost power. Now, I know losing power at any rate is never fun, but in our case we have well water, therefore, not only do we have no power, we have no water as well. To make this more fun, we are an agricultural zoned area. Because of this we have several animals, and there is a huge horse farm across the street. It easily becomes difficult to get water for your animals without any, and with a lot of animals, it can become unsanitary very quickly.
But enough about that, I have stories to tell all of you awesome people, you. I decided it was time to write another blog about how normal, everyday things find fire and become completely ridiculous when I’m involved. I do not know how this happens, but I'm glad it does...usually.
A few weeks ago my friend Mike and I got together, but not to look at houses, to hang out. You may remember me mentioning Mike in this blog before, because he’s one of the few people I know who has true stories that are so awesome, my creatively spastic mind couldn’t even make them up. More about this later.
While Mike and I were together, we happened to stop at Subway. Please keep in mind that this particular Subway is in an area where there is a high population of both rednecks and white homeboys. They’re totally harmless, but what I’m saying is that they’re asking a lot from these people.
There was a sign at the Subway that announced they were now hiring. This would have been okay, except the sign started out this way. “Now hiring customer friendly, energetic, hard working, responsible...” I lost track after what it said after that, because I was only about three lines down in a ten line sign. I would like to share with you all my interpretation of what the rest of this sign said.
“Now hiring customer friendly, energetic, hard working, responsible, smiling, happy, chipper people who are willing to be yelled at over how much mustard they put on a sandwich and berated by people in their pajamas, scrub the floor on their hands and knees with a toothbrush, put their right hand in, put their right hand out, put their right hand in and shake it all about, know at least four different languages, be able to write in Enokian symbols, be able both do the sprinkler and the waltz, have twelve years of college, have never written a letter to Squeaky Fromme, have great hair, and all while skipping.”
And, of course, you know they’re only paying minimum wage. Two words; dream job.
For the mentally disturbed.
This naturally turned into an entire debacle between Mike and myself. It started out with me commenting that I couldn’t imagine why no one took that job for minimum wage. If they paid me more then maybe I would be all those things, but it just wasn’t worth it for what they were paying. Mike agreed, and said for minimum wage he may come in with the correct uniform shirt on. This quickly turned into Mike saying we would come into the interview with flow charts showing what we would do for what amount of pay. Obviously we discussed this but did not write it down. I will now write it down to share with all of you.
Minimum Wage Chart: I will come into work within fifteen minutes of the time I am supposed to be there. I will probably not wear the correct shirt, if I wear a shirt at all. I will only swear five times during my shift, because I need this mother fucking job. Damn, I’m sorry for swearing. I will only yell back at one customer a day. I will not clean or pretend to. I will take thirty minute breaks and not care if you notice. I will do the Hokey Pokey, but it will not be my hand I’m putting in and out. I got myself a nice ass, you know. Damn, sorry for swearing again. I will draw horribly inappropriate caricatures of customers on company time and claim it’s Enokian writing. I will take care to wear my awesome toupee, and limit my letters to Miss Fromme to one every other day. I also am not allowed to wear a name tag, as, since it is sharp and pointy, it would be a direct violation of my parole. Oh, and none of those damn subs will be made right. Shit, sorry for swearing again.
One Dollar Above Minimum Wage Chart: I will come into work within ten minutes of the time I am supposed to be there. I will probably not remember to wear the correct shirt, and if I do it probably won’t be clean and will definitely be on backwards. I, however, will have showered and will at least attempt a smile while getting the customers orders correct. I will not know where my name tag is ever, and will go about making a new one each time I am there. It’s iffy if the names will be appropriate, but definite that they will never be my own. I will do as little cleaning as I can get away with, and eat the food when no one is looking. I won’t yell at any customers. I will still keep my letters to Miss Fromme to one every other day, but I will try to break the habit. The last line is a total and complete lie.
Two Dollars Above Minimum Wage Chart: I will come into work within five minutes of the time I am supposed to be there. My shirt will not be wrinkled, but definitely will be on backwards. I will have a name tag, but it will not have my name on it. The name, however, will be appropriate. I will smile, but refuse to be energetic while I serve people their orders properly. I will half ass clean, but it will be better than doing as little as possible. I will go to therapy for my addiction to writing letters to Miss Fromme if you will pay for it. I won’t swear, I will do the Hokey Pokey and get customers involved, because it’s fun and annoying all the same. Then, once they are on a roll, I will stop and just laugh at them loudly. Because I just picked on people, I will definitely be smiling. I will consider actually mopping the floor, but a toothbrush is out of the question. I will only eat two subs per shift.
Three Dollars Above Minimum Wage Chart: I don’t like the number three. It’s uneven, unlike one, two, four and five.
Four Dollars Above Minimum Wage Chart: Yeah, okay, I’ll meet your standards, but I’m not giving up the letters to Miss Fromme or eating your food.
Five Dollars Above Minimum Wage Chart: I will do pretty much whatever the heck you want as long as I can keep my clothes on, perform no sexual favors, my shift will end as the schedule permits and I will clean manically as long as it’s not with a toothbrush. I will give up the letters to Miss Fromme. I will wear my shirt correctly, use OxyClean to make sure it’s bright and cheery, make sure there is not a spot on my name tag and that it is actually my nametag, do the Hokey Pokey six ways to Sunday, not eat your food and smile and sing the song of the customers choice while energetically making their sub correctly in record time.
I think Mike’s right, we should fill out an application and go into an interview just to take these flow charts in. It would totally worth the time and effort put into it.
On another note, who in the heck thought it was a good idea to parole Squeaky Fromme? Was there not enough mounting evidence against her? Was it not clear that her tree didn’t go all the way to the top? The light was on but no one was home? The rivers were wide and rolling but the fish bailed anyway? For goodness sakes, life in prison means LIFE IN PRISON! Because it’s totally not like she tried to assassinate President Ford and definitely wasn’t part of the Manson Family. COME ON PEOPLE! Use your brains before making these kinds of decisions, if they’re still even there!
And on another, other note, why do people always try to assassinate others with Colts?
Plus, plus, also AND, I showed this list to Mike and he says, and I quote, that it is “much more awesome than he thought it would be.” Score! Needless to say, it's Mike approved.
The next normal thing that turned into a debacle has to do with Criminal Minds. Two Wednesday's ago, there was a scene with dialogue revolving around how the BAU was doing budget cuts. Rossi brings up that he hopes they don’t take away their coffee. Reid insists he’d quit if this were to happen, and Rossi counters back with how they would save $50 bucks a week in just coffee if Reid did. All totally normal, right?
Then I commented on the quote to Becky, who then started talking about how much money they could actually save if they got rid of Reid. We then sat there, figured it somewhere within a ballpark range, and realized their best bet would be to get rid of the genius kid, but if they did more people would die. So we tried to figure out who they could get rid of that wouldn’t cause a detrimental effect to team. Please tell me we have a life and we just don’t know it. By the way, we decided on no one. Everyone, Becky and I have decided your jobs are safe. I know this means a lot to all of you, and by a lot, we mean nothing at all.
Let’s not forget to mention the fact that I have a Facebook. I always thought this was a fairly harmless, good idea. That was until the past week when conversations about Carole King and her songs broke out via my status. If this were an isolated incident, it would be awesome, except somehow my one friend and I started singing songs back and forth on each others walls. One of us would put lyrics to a song up that reflected how we were feeling, the other would then write a continuation to the lyrics and so on. I don’t know how I end up doing this stuff or why people join in, but I like it.
I would also like to mention that I successfully got stuck under the coffee. How, you ask? I decided to sit down on the floor with Greta, stretched out my feet, and let’s just say that they did not come out the same way they went in. I actually had to stop what I was doing and un-stick myself. This took several minutes. I’m still a little embarrassed, but mostly because I know I’ll do this again without thinking about it, and then find myself with the same amount of stupidity, just days later. And they say you live and learn. Sometimes I forget about the learning part.
Before I go, I would also like to tell that story that came to me via Mike. I kept wanting to send the write up to him to make sure I had it correct, but two things happened. One, I saw him too much in person and the subject of him reading a potential blog post never came up. Two, we've repeated this story enough in person that if I don't get it right I should be truly embarrassed. It's become a punchline.
A few weeks back I was hanging out with Mike. He was telling me he works with a man who has a mentally challenged nephew. The nephew isn't so mentally challenged that he can't be home alone without setting the house on fire, but he sees the world differently than most. His mom leaves him home alone while she's at work, and he's 26 and has never had an issue. One day he calls his mom at work and tells her he found a gnome on their doorstep and wanted to know if he could keep it. The mom was confused, but considering the way her son is, she didn't think anything of it. If anything, she figured he had stolen a neighbor's lawn gnome and she would have to apologize and give it back. She said yes.
A little while later he calls her back and asks her if he could feed the gnome skittles. The mom now knew something was going on and assumed what he had actually done was find a cat or a small animal and bring it inside. Now she really knew she was going to have to apologize to the neighbors, but he loved everything and was very harmless, so she didn't worry.
Then she comes home and he's nowhere to be found. She goes all over the house and finally finds him in the very corner of his bedroom, with his bed pushed up against the closet door, just sitting there like this was normal. She asked him what was going on and he said the gnome was in the closet and he didn’t want it to get away. She started to panic so she moved the bed and opened the closet.
Did she find a pet?
No.
Did she find a gnome?
No.
She found a midget. Let me reiterate.
SHE FOUND A MIDGET!
Apparently the midget was a census taker and was going house to house collecting census from people who hadn't turned them in. He rang the doorbell, the nephew answered, legitimately thought he was a gnome, picked him up, took him in the house and put him in the closet. He didn't want him to run away and leave. When the midget asked why he was doing this, he said because his mom told him he could keep him. We are all still wondering what he told his boss had happened to him for the three hours he was in the closet, and why he was incognito for those three hours.
Best story ever!
In the next blog I shall regal you with stories about house hunting. Naturally, it’s me, so I have them. They include everything from dead deer (do not adjust your eyes, you heard that right), almost unintentionally committing suicide, and embarrassing a Realtor. It’s been awesome.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Happily Single and Not Wanting to Mingle
I haven’t had a date in three years. Actually, I’ve never been on a real date at all. The guys I’ve dated were both ones of which I knew prior to whatever it was we had going on had started. It wasn’t a relationship, there just wasn’t that kind of intimacy, but we didn’t really date. In all reality, we basically just hung out. So to be more truthful, I haven’t had a date ever.
And I am completely okay with this.
Do I want to be alone all my life, or not have someone to share my accomplishments and failures with? Of course not. One day I would like to have my imperfect happily ever after since I know nothing is perfect or a fairy tale. I revel in that and can’t wait for it to happen for me, but I am different from most girls. I don’t have to have it. I’m okay on my own.
Lately, the more girls I talk to, the more I realize that girls feel like they have to have someone. This is especially true for young girls and high-schoolers. A lot of these girls enter into relationships before they know who they are and then end up being easily persuaded by boys to do things that they will later regret. I partially blame society and also peer pressure.
In school, if you’re one of the virginal girls, you’re instantly made fun of and out-casted. What most young girls don’t know, however, is most of the people saying they are having sex are lying. Sure, there’s always the girls who are a little more slutty than others, and the couples who have been together forever, known each other their whole lives, or just have that certain respect and love for each other and are mature enough to handle having sex. This is not the case most of the time.
For boys, they don’t equate sex with a relationship. Girls do. When girls hear their classmates saying they’re having sex, they immediately think those classmates are all in relationships and they’re the only ones who aren’t. They start to wonder if something is wrong with them, or if they’re too weird, or not pretty enough to find someone to make them happy. They start to feel badly about themselves. They should not.
Society doesn’t help this. There’s something about seeing happy couples that makes young girls want that. When you were a kid, did your parents ever say, “when you grow up and live by yourself?” No. They always make some reference to you growing up and getting married, or you growing up and sharing your life. This even extends into having kids, which is a different story that we won’t get into.
It seems that hardly anyone is happily single and not wanting to mingle. Don’t get me wrong, it’s always good to keep your options open. On a random Sunday you may meet the guy of your dreams when you’re not even looking, but if you’re looking, chances are the person you’re going to find is a person who is also heavily looking and wants someone right now. No one ever thinks about the future when they’re lonely.
It is okay to be single. It’s okay to take time to find yourself, and to know how to be okay on your own. There is nothing wrong with you if you actually enjoy being on your own. Being with someone is so much more than having someone to kiss, or spend time with. It’s about not only sharing your heart, but changing your life and finding out who you are with someone else. Sometimes you have to change your life drastically after being single for so long, and when you do, you find that you liked things the way they were before. You don't like everything you're sacrificing just to be with someone.
If this happens, it does not mean you have to be alone, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t be. Sometimes you’re just with the wrong person who doesn't know how to be alone themselves and demands all of your time. If you’re independent, this is hard and eventually you will resent the person while they slowly turn into a toddler, yelling and screaming for your attention. When this does not work, they often turn hostile, or begin to throw everything on you hoping you’ll feel badly and give in. This is why it’s important to know who you are before you delve into sharing your life with someone. If you do, you’ll be able to laugh it off, tell them to hit the road and be left with no scars.
Even if you do know who you are, it’s important to realize that the other person you’re with may not. You may fall madly in love with this person, or even just become comfortable with them. It may seem like they know their own strength and this is what attracts you. They have it all together, they are mature, they are exactly what you want, and then one day they change. Now everyone changes as the years go on, but it’s far more drastic when the person doesn’t know who they are.
Friend is the best example of this. He was the most well adjusted person I ever met. I was jealous of how well he had it together, while I was struggling. Now here I sit almost four years later, completely happy and confident that I am a dorky girl who is essentially sixteen and can argue why Selena Gomez is more talented that Justin Bieber even though they both came from single teenage moms. Friend, however, is drinking and whining, and trying to throw blame for his own problems on everyone else.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to be mean to friend, but because of his actions, he causes his own problems. He spent his whole life holding it together because he had to be perfect for his parents, and once they were gone, his life became something he quickly lost control of. It became one bad decision after another and he didn’t want anyone’s help because he was tired of being told what to do.
This is understandable, but Friend also assumes that I am going to baby him and his bad decisions. I am not. I will never be mean to Friend, but I am not going to idly sit there and listen to him tell me about the awesome parties he had, and how he was so drunk that he ended up doing one stupid thing that caused three more stupid things. It makes me want to hand palm him in the head. I will tell him to be more responsible for himself in the nicest, most encouraging way possible and offer to help him learn how to do so. If he gets pissed off at me, it’s fine, because one day when the smoke clears and he realizes he can’t go on like this anymore, he’ll realize I was genuinely only trying to help. Everyone else babies him. It’s not helping him, it’s hurting him.
He knows what he’s doing is wrong. He admits it but he will not stop. I have one thing to say to this. It takes just as long to make a good decision as it does a bad one. However, it takes ten times as long to clean up after the mess you’ve made when you made the bad decision, whereas with a good decision there are no consequences. There are going to be things in life that come along and slap you in the face that you did not cause, but that’s life. You deal with that bridge when you come to it, and take solace knowing that sometimes shit just happens. You can’t lay down or die, or blame your bad decisions on what you can not control. If you feel yourself unable to make good decisions anymore, or find yourself so unhappy that suicide seems like an option, it is okay to get help. Don’t let your pride get in the way and continue to make bad decisions. This will just make it harder on you later, if you get to later.
And last but not least, I am always here to talk to. This extends to any of my readers. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to someone you don’t know, so I am here. I won’t post it on Dear Cassadee if you don’t want me to. I will just talk to you, so feel free to reach out to me. My email address is in my profile. Lord knows I’ve made plenty of mistakes and can not and would not judge anything you would bring to me. No one is perfect, and that’s what makes everyone unique. The imperfections are what make us perfect and we will all make mistakes, no matter how horrible. Not all mistakes can be fixed, but time can heal everything and apologies can be made. The situation can be mended.
Speaking of Dear Cassadee, I’m working on the section right now. We’ll see where this goes. While I’m working on that, I was wondering if the readers would like to participate in Dear Cassadee. If a question came along that I could not answer, and it was okay with the author of the letter for me to post their inquiry anonymously on the site, would you all be interested in throwing in your two cents? Or ten cents? Or even five bucks?
To the wonderful young lady from Malaysia who comments on here - I now realize I do not know your name. If you left it and I do not remember, I sincerely apologize. I am extremely sorry to hear that destiny has decided it has something else set in its sights for your life. That is extremely difficult, especially when a decision is made that wouldn’t be one you could have predicted. It’s hard having your life planned out and thinking you know what to expect, and then all of a sudden it’s turned upside down. I am sending you a hundred hugs through the internet, all while admiring your inspirational strength. A lot of woman could learn from you. Keep your head and keep going. You will soon find the reason why things didn’t work out as you thought they would, and you will find a path that is ten times better for you.
Zoe - I know I’m commenting on you last, but definitely not least. I just have more to say to you. One thing I’ve learned is that if it’s important to you, it’s important. You don’t have to justify the way you feel to anyone else. Even if it’s something that seems minor, if it’s weighing on you, it’s not. Even if you just write all your feelings out for yourself and never show anyone else, it really helps. I wrote Friend a letter that I never gave him, but it got everything off of my chest. And who knows, what you write, even just for yourself, can come in handy later. I ended up needing a very personal letter between two of my characters for my novel and had no idea how to even begin to write it. That’s when I found the letter to Friend and it fit perfectly. Better yet, no one ever has to know that it wasn’t originally written for the novel.
Never doubt yourself. Sometimes things feel so messed up and confusing, but you know yourself better than anyone else. People can give you advice left and right, but ultimately you know in your gut what is right and wrong. Always, always follow your heart. Leave your ears open for incoming thoughts that you may not have otherwise welcomed, because sometimes your heart will flutter around those thoughts and set your feelings alight. Before you know it, there will be a solution. Sometimes it is just that easy, and others it takes a lot of time. Time does heal everything, as cliche as that is.
Furthermore, you could probably make a ton of money just because you are smarter than at least a few thousand people on the internet. I am dead serious. I searched and searched for that gosh darn follow button with no avail, and now I feel like a total idiot. Not only did I not see the follow button there, but I searched and searched only to find a ton of people with the same problem, and zero answers as to what happened to the follow button. And then you come along and point out that the follow button has moved to the top. I say find all those people who can’t find the follow button, and promise to help them find it for five bucks. You could make a fortune. Thank you for finding the follow button. If I’ve never mentioned this, you are completely awesome.
And I am completely okay with this.
Do I want to be alone all my life, or not have someone to share my accomplishments and failures with? Of course not. One day I would like to have my imperfect happily ever after since I know nothing is perfect or a fairy tale. I revel in that and can’t wait for it to happen for me, but I am different from most girls. I don’t have to have it. I’m okay on my own.
Lately, the more girls I talk to, the more I realize that girls feel like they have to have someone. This is especially true for young girls and high-schoolers. A lot of these girls enter into relationships before they know who they are and then end up being easily persuaded by boys to do things that they will later regret. I partially blame society and also peer pressure.
In school, if you’re one of the virginal girls, you’re instantly made fun of and out-casted. What most young girls don’t know, however, is most of the people saying they are having sex are lying. Sure, there’s always the girls who are a little more slutty than others, and the couples who have been together forever, known each other their whole lives, or just have that certain respect and love for each other and are mature enough to handle having sex. This is not the case most of the time.
For boys, they don’t equate sex with a relationship. Girls do. When girls hear their classmates saying they’re having sex, they immediately think those classmates are all in relationships and they’re the only ones who aren’t. They start to wonder if something is wrong with them, or if they’re too weird, or not pretty enough to find someone to make them happy. They start to feel badly about themselves. They should not.
Society doesn’t help this. There’s something about seeing happy couples that makes young girls want that. When you were a kid, did your parents ever say, “when you grow up and live by yourself?” No. They always make some reference to you growing up and getting married, or you growing up and sharing your life. This even extends into having kids, which is a different story that we won’t get into.
It seems that hardly anyone is happily single and not wanting to mingle. Don’t get me wrong, it’s always good to keep your options open. On a random Sunday you may meet the guy of your dreams when you’re not even looking, but if you’re looking, chances are the person you’re going to find is a person who is also heavily looking and wants someone right now. No one ever thinks about the future when they’re lonely.
It is okay to be single. It’s okay to take time to find yourself, and to know how to be okay on your own. There is nothing wrong with you if you actually enjoy being on your own. Being with someone is so much more than having someone to kiss, or spend time with. It’s about not only sharing your heart, but changing your life and finding out who you are with someone else. Sometimes you have to change your life drastically after being single for so long, and when you do, you find that you liked things the way they were before. You don't like everything you're sacrificing just to be with someone.
If this happens, it does not mean you have to be alone, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t be. Sometimes you’re just with the wrong person who doesn't know how to be alone themselves and demands all of your time. If you’re independent, this is hard and eventually you will resent the person while they slowly turn into a toddler, yelling and screaming for your attention. When this does not work, they often turn hostile, or begin to throw everything on you hoping you’ll feel badly and give in. This is why it’s important to know who you are before you delve into sharing your life with someone. If you do, you’ll be able to laugh it off, tell them to hit the road and be left with no scars.
Even if you do know who you are, it’s important to realize that the other person you’re with may not. You may fall madly in love with this person, or even just become comfortable with them. It may seem like they know their own strength and this is what attracts you. They have it all together, they are mature, they are exactly what you want, and then one day they change. Now everyone changes as the years go on, but it’s far more drastic when the person doesn’t know who they are.
Friend is the best example of this. He was the most well adjusted person I ever met. I was jealous of how well he had it together, while I was struggling. Now here I sit almost four years later, completely happy and confident that I am a dorky girl who is essentially sixteen and can argue why Selena Gomez is more talented that Justin Bieber even though they both came from single teenage moms. Friend, however, is drinking and whining, and trying to throw blame for his own problems on everyone else.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to be mean to friend, but because of his actions, he causes his own problems. He spent his whole life holding it together because he had to be perfect for his parents, and once they were gone, his life became something he quickly lost control of. It became one bad decision after another and he didn’t want anyone’s help because he was tired of being told what to do.
This is understandable, but Friend also assumes that I am going to baby him and his bad decisions. I am not. I will never be mean to Friend, but I am not going to idly sit there and listen to him tell me about the awesome parties he had, and how he was so drunk that he ended up doing one stupid thing that caused three more stupid things. It makes me want to hand palm him in the head. I will tell him to be more responsible for himself in the nicest, most encouraging way possible and offer to help him learn how to do so. If he gets pissed off at me, it’s fine, because one day when the smoke clears and he realizes he can’t go on like this anymore, he’ll realize I was genuinely only trying to help. Everyone else babies him. It’s not helping him, it’s hurting him.
He knows what he’s doing is wrong. He admits it but he will not stop. I have one thing to say to this. It takes just as long to make a good decision as it does a bad one. However, it takes ten times as long to clean up after the mess you’ve made when you made the bad decision, whereas with a good decision there are no consequences. There are going to be things in life that come along and slap you in the face that you did not cause, but that’s life. You deal with that bridge when you come to it, and take solace knowing that sometimes shit just happens. You can’t lay down or die, or blame your bad decisions on what you can not control. If you feel yourself unable to make good decisions anymore, or find yourself so unhappy that suicide seems like an option, it is okay to get help. Don’t let your pride get in the way and continue to make bad decisions. This will just make it harder on you later, if you get to later.
And last but not least, I am always here to talk to. This extends to any of my readers. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to someone you don’t know, so I am here. I won’t post it on Dear Cassadee if you don’t want me to. I will just talk to you, so feel free to reach out to me. My email address is in my profile. Lord knows I’ve made plenty of mistakes and can not and would not judge anything you would bring to me. No one is perfect, and that’s what makes everyone unique. The imperfections are what make us perfect and we will all make mistakes, no matter how horrible. Not all mistakes can be fixed, but time can heal everything and apologies can be made. The situation can be mended.
Speaking of Dear Cassadee, I’m working on the section right now. We’ll see where this goes. While I’m working on that, I was wondering if the readers would like to participate in Dear Cassadee. If a question came along that I could not answer, and it was okay with the author of the letter for me to post their inquiry anonymously on the site, would you all be interested in throwing in your two cents? Or ten cents? Or even five bucks?
To the wonderful young lady from Malaysia who comments on here - I now realize I do not know your name. If you left it and I do not remember, I sincerely apologize. I am extremely sorry to hear that destiny has decided it has something else set in its sights for your life. That is extremely difficult, especially when a decision is made that wouldn’t be one you could have predicted. It’s hard having your life planned out and thinking you know what to expect, and then all of a sudden it’s turned upside down. I am sending you a hundred hugs through the internet, all while admiring your inspirational strength. A lot of woman could learn from you. Keep your head and keep going. You will soon find the reason why things didn’t work out as you thought they would, and you will find a path that is ten times better for you.
Zoe - I know I’m commenting on you last, but definitely not least. I just have more to say to you. One thing I’ve learned is that if it’s important to you, it’s important. You don’t have to justify the way you feel to anyone else. Even if it’s something that seems minor, if it’s weighing on you, it’s not. Even if you just write all your feelings out for yourself and never show anyone else, it really helps. I wrote Friend a letter that I never gave him, but it got everything off of my chest. And who knows, what you write, even just for yourself, can come in handy later. I ended up needing a very personal letter between two of my characters for my novel and had no idea how to even begin to write it. That’s when I found the letter to Friend and it fit perfectly. Better yet, no one ever has to know that it wasn’t originally written for the novel.
Never doubt yourself. Sometimes things feel so messed up and confusing, but you know yourself better than anyone else. People can give you advice left and right, but ultimately you know in your gut what is right and wrong. Always, always follow your heart. Leave your ears open for incoming thoughts that you may not have otherwise welcomed, because sometimes your heart will flutter around those thoughts and set your feelings alight. Before you know it, there will be a solution. Sometimes it is just that easy, and others it takes a lot of time. Time does heal everything, as cliche as that is.
Furthermore, you could probably make a ton of money just because you are smarter than at least a few thousand people on the internet. I am dead serious. I searched and searched for that gosh darn follow button with no avail, and now I feel like a total idiot. Not only did I not see the follow button there, but I searched and searched only to find a ton of people with the same problem, and zero answers as to what happened to the follow button. And then you come along and point out that the follow button has moved to the top. I say find all those people who can’t find the follow button, and promise to help them find it for five bucks. You could make a fortune. Thank you for finding the follow button. If I’ve never mentioned this, you are completely awesome.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Dear Cassadee - Part Two
Today I would like to finish yesterday’s post by adding more song that help you get by in hard times. But first thing is first.
I would like to thank Zoe for her wonderful comment. Going through what I did definitely made me stronger. You’re welcome for the advice given, and if you ever want to talk about your situation, my email is in my profile. You can always feel free to email me. I will talk things out with you from an objective point of view. I really hope whatever is going on with you also makes you stronger, and that you get through it with the poise and grace that I know you hold inside.
I guess at the end of the day, after all these years, the only thing I know how to say is that boys will be boys. We will never understand them or them us, but we make due. Sometimes it’s not easy and sometimes it just clicks, but if the person is right for you, through all the trial and fire, you will always end up together in the end. Learning to let go when it’s not right is the hardest thing to do, but if you follow both your heart and your gut, you will always know what to do. It may not be clear right away, or even in a week, but one day you will know with total confidence what is right, and also have the strength to do what you need to do to make yourself happy without hurting the other person. This always happens before you hit rock bottom, even if it hurts and rips you apart. Those scars will heal into new things, and you’ll have a new found hope that you can carry with you into another situation. All the frogs we kiss are there to let us know when we find out Prince.
I don’t know your specific situation, so I’m not sure if that helped. Like I said, if you want to talk it out, please email me. I am here for you.
As for the follow button, I am working on fixing this. I've looked into it and the way I understand, I’m not the only one having this problem. It seems like the follow button just got legs and ran away on several people’s blogs, and now it’s playing hide and seek and no one can find it again. What I’m saying is apparently there’s a Blogger wide game of hide and seek going on, and boy are those follow buttons crafty. As soon as I find out what’s going on or how to fix it, I promise I will get it fixed. If you or anyone else would like me to email you when I update, let me know and I can do so.
Second, I would like to touch on the “Dear Cassadee” advice column I mentioned yesterday. Apparently people thought this would be a good idea, which was something I didn’t expect at all when I had mentioned it. I decided that, if you want me to do a "Dear Cassadee" column, I shall. I thought this out and here are the rules and guidelines. Well, not so much the former as the latter.
*If you would like to submit a question, story or inquiry for advice, you can email me at RubyTwilight@verizon.net or PoetorFraud@verizon.net. You can also contact me through my Facebook page, Myspace page, or leave a comment on the blog. However you want to handle it. If you would like my screen names for AIM or Windows Messenger, they are available upon request. I am very friendly, and if you send me a friend request on any of these ports, I promise to friend you back as well. On a side note, you did not go to the wrong place. That is actually me. Cassadee Willows is my pen name.
*You will remain anonymous unless you otherwise specify that you would not like to. This is totally your choice and I respect your privacy, and will not give out any of your information.
*You may ask for advice about anything, no matter how odd. If you want advice on what to do with your rooster that just can’t quite understand how to speak his or her piece at sunrise, but instead does it whenever he wakes his butt up, I can cover that, too. If there is something I find that I can not cover, I will research it, ask around, and if I still can’t come up with a good answer, I will honestly tell you instead of feeding you junk just to do it. That’s not fair to you.
*By contacting me for advice, you understand that I am not a licensed professional and any advice I give is done only to be helpful. You do not have to take my advice, but instead evaluate it to your situation and do what feels right in your heart. No one truly knows what to do but you. I’m just trying to give the best advice I can, and hopefully I'll help you to find a way to help you best deal with remedy the problem that works best for you.
*If you feel I did not cover your problem correctly, feel free to email me or leave a comment telling me what I did completely wrong and I promise to fix it in the best way possible.
*If you want advice on something, or would just like someone to talk to about an event in your life, but don’t want it on the blog, feel free to contact me. I will be happy to lend an ear. If I do not get back to you immediately, please don’t be offended. All inquiries will usually be answered within 24 to 48 hours unless, for some reason, I can absolutely not get to a computer. As long as I get your message, I will not ignore you.
*If you have any other questions about the guidelines, just ask.
Third, I would like to tell a cute little story. Aunt Bev is in her sixties. Today she called my mom and this is the end of the conversation I heard in a nutshell. “Just pull on the cord on the side...you know what, no, don’t even do it. I will come over and help you. DO NOT TRY TO MOW YOUR LAWN YOURSELF! DON’T DO IT!” Apparently age is just a number, because she has no idea how to start a lawn mower, far more how to use it on the grass. I love my Aunt Bev.
Now I shall move onto part two of yesterday’s post, continuing with songs that move me, and are helpful in many situations, but especially through situations pertaining to heartache.
Cemetery Drive by My Chemical Romance - This song hits me in a very personal place. I have never had a friend take their own life, but I’ve had a friend try. When I hear words to songs, I often find myself picturing the story the song is telling. This one goes in with a one-two punch, and ends with a knockout that reminds me of just how difficult it is to lose someone in any sense.
I Bruise Easily by Natasha Bedingfield - This song illustrates so dearly how one feels when entering into a new relationship after having loved and lost. It speaks of insecurities and walls we put up, as well as facades we put on. It’s a lover’s cry for help, begging someone to be as gentle as possible, even if you can’t convey the words you wish to.
Underneath It All by No Doubt - This is one of those songs where both the music and lyrics tell a story. The music will remind you of a warm day on the beach with a Pina Colada, while the lyrics tell of falling in love and the honeymoon stage of a relationship. This song is everything it should be. We often attach love with easy, simple feelings, when that’s not at all what it ends up to be, but at the beginning when everything is just so easy, this song becomes the soundtrack to it.
Suffocated by Orianthi - I don’t know how many of you have heard of this girl, but she was a guitarist for Michael Jackson’s ill fated "This Is It" tour. The girl is wicked with both her guitar and her vocals. This is one of those songs that takes the rawness of a relationship, the bad blood, and the murdered ending, and puts it all on the line. It doesn’t hold any of the mess or fight back. It admits fault and anger, while also telling the other person just how you think things should be for them now that it's all fallen apart.
Believe by Orianthi - Believe is a complete different story from the last one. It’s about seeing someone and knowing that’s who you want, and they are the one for you. Then it all goes to hell, because you do get that person, but you’re not longer yourself with them. Even still, you want to keep believing in love. You want to and will go on. There’s more out there than just the person that was once in front of you. It’s about not giving up.
She Had the World by Panic at the Disco - This song illustrates so beautifully how someone can have everything they want, the world can be in their hands, but they’re are still sad because the person the really want is the one thing they can never have.
Unhearted by Automatic Loveletter - This is one of those songs that absolutely no one could sing but Juliet Simms. You feel her pain and you get so engrossed in her story that, after awhile, you begin to feel lucky, because you know she’s been through what you’ve been through but one worse. She’s telling her own story while telling a story everyone is similar with in a delicately beautiful manner that makes your heart twinge.
Brighter by Paramore - Even though this person is leaving and walking away, you still want them to know that they are one of the shining stars in your life. No matter how it ended, they always will be. It’s a plea for them to not leave, but an understanding that the chips will fall as they may and you will not think less of the person for it.
Turn It Off by Paramore - Everyone has found themselves between a rock and a hard place, and then sliding slowing down the side of a cliff until they can’t see the light anymore. Everyone has dealt with balancing their pride and finding where vulnerability turns into beauty once all the spite clears. This song represents that. It shows that two people with the same condition can’t be cured unless one lets themselves fall just to find themselves again.
Hallelujah by Paramore - This song is simply about not giving up so you can fall in love, but has the complexity to describe what everyone has felt at one point in a relationship. It’s about waking up and trying to find your way out of your feelings, but you’re still falling in love and can’t see an end to it.
It's All Your Fault by Pink - What I love about this album particularly is that it comes from a place of vulnerability, whereas Pink is known for her songs about kicking ass and taking names later. She lets her guard down and shows that love can break even the strongest people. She lays it all on the line in this song, while still putting her own limitations on the person, because she’s not the kind of girl to sit and wait around, even though it’s so clear she would do anything and wait as long as she had to just to have this person.
Who Knew by Pink - This song reminds me of one particular person, and if I could ever listen to this song without crying I would start to wonder if I ever really cared for that person. It says everything I’ve wanted to say and can’t. It’s about believing what someone tells you when they are right in front of you, only to watch them twist and change, and then do the inevitable. It’s about loss and how it haunts you. It’s about remembering and hurting. She opens up her chest and rips her own heart out for this one.
Another Love Story by Play - In relationships there will always be a stronger person and a person who is still trying to heal from another relationship. This song is about being the strong one who understands what the other has been through, and is willing to help them fix it, but at the same time they are doing it by giving them tough love. Get up and scrape yourself back off. Show me something inside of you and I will take care of all of your fears. It’s about subtle trust.
What If I Leave by Rachel Yamagata - This song plays devil’s advocate. It deals with the fact of being with someone who doesn’t give you what you need, but being so head over heels that you bleed for them continuously just to keep them. You realize you can’t continue to do this, so you toy with the idea of leaving, but you don’t know if you could get that foot out of the door. You wonder what would happen if you did.
I Don’t Miss You At All by Selena Gomez - What I particularly love about this song is that it’s different from the other songs on this list. It’s about truly being over someone, but at the same time, you feel the need to gleefully announce this to everyone. In its own way, though, it also plays devil’s advocate by telling the person that you hope they don’t call, because to boys that usually means that they will call you. This is a more lighthearted song that really socks it to someone at the same time and is clearly meant to break someone’s heart the way they broke yours. It’s a revenge song it its own right.
In the Sun by She and Him - This song has all the cheekiness of an old jazz song, mixed with heavy toned vocals via Zooey Deschanel. The lyrics are hard, but the music is upbeat and fun, and the chorus makes you outright want to dance. This song embodies looking at a bad situation from a perky point of view without becoming cheesy.
Perfect World by Simple Plan - "In a perfect world, you would still be here." Nothing is perfect. Nothing ever will be, but that doesn’t mean we’ll stop relying on perfection and hoping that it comes through for us just once.
Smoke + Mirrors by Skye Sweetnam - The opening lines in this song immediately let you know about the singer’s admitted naivety, leaving it all on the line. Then the song takes a turn and tells about how the person will keep fighting no matter what it takes, no matter how naive they are. They will not give up, because they will come out on the brighter side and prevail. We can all take a lesson from this.
I’m Only Me When I’m With You by Taylor Swift - There’s something about this song that just makes me feel good. As I said before, I visualize the story the person is telling, and there’s a certain romance to sitting underneath the stars with someone who is strictly just yours and no one else’s. They belong to themselves, and their heart is shared with you. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, this song lifts me up and gives me the warm and fuzzies like no other. I want to be the girl in this story and I want to experience this for myself.
Rinse by Vanessa Carlton - “She would suffer, she would fight and compromise.” When you want no one but one person, sometimes you become so blind to what it is that you actually need. When you realize that you can’t live for another person, you realize that person has to go, but that you don’t know how to rinse them away. You know you want the person to know everything you’re feeling, but they never will. Even if they did, you know it won’t make a difference.
In Another Life by The Veronicas - Although I personally have never known this exact story of someone I grew up and fell in love with, there’s a certain romance to it. Even if you haven’t known someone your whole life, there’s always that person that you feel like you have and a little love story develops before you even know it. There are certain lines in this song I find myself singing over and over again with what I’ve gone through. It speaks to my core. Note the lines: “I was in love with your memory.” and “You know I love you, I really do, but I can’t fight anymore for you.”
Cigarettes by The Wreckers - I am far from a country girl at the same time that I am far from anything but. There’s a lot of country where I live, and although heart and soul I want more than this, this is what I am and where I came from. I know what it’s like to listen to sad songs as you drive around the back roads in the complete quiet of the dead of night, and think about finding that one person you won’t have to compromise yourself for. I’ve been this girl, minus the cigarettes. Don’t smoke, guy. It’s icky.
A Secret Worth Keeping by The Fire Restart - There’s not anything I can say about this song that will describe how it gets under your skin and digs there unapologetically. If you need a song to scream to, this is the one.
Here It Goes by Ok Go - This has nothing to do with the song, but there's no way you can watch this video and still be sad. No freaking way.
Hopefully these songs will keep you all busy for awhile. I am going to take things one day at a time with my own situation, because I finally feel free inside. The thing with reconnecting with someone is that you don’t know what to expect, or what you will learn about that person. Sometimes you need to keep that person at arms length once you learn those things, even though you’re dying inside to just hug them, and sometimes that’s the one thing you’re totally okay with and feel whole over. You just need to make sure that person is okay. You don’t have to see them to know that, but if later things settle and you realize it’s time, you have that option to make plans with them.
So guys, I guess the moral of the story is this: everything just needs time.
I would like to thank Zoe for her wonderful comment. Going through what I did definitely made me stronger. You’re welcome for the advice given, and if you ever want to talk about your situation, my email is in my profile. You can always feel free to email me. I will talk things out with you from an objective point of view. I really hope whatever is going on with you also makes you stronger, and that you get through it with the poise and grace that I know you hold inside.
I guess at the end of the day, after all these years, the only thing I know how to say is that boys will be boys. We will never understand them or them us, but we make due. Sometimes it’s not easy and sometimes it just clicks, but if the person is right for you, through all the trial and fire, you will always end up together in the end. Learning to let go when it’s not right is the hardest thing to do, but if you follow both your heart and your gut, you will always know what to do. It may not be clear right away, or even in a week, but one day you will know with total confidence what is right, and also have the strength to do what you need to do to make yourself happy without hurting the other person. This always happens before you hit rock bottom, even if it hurts and rips you apart. Those scars will heal into new things, and you’ll have a new found hope that you can carry with you into another situation. All the frogs we kiss are there to let us know when we find out Prince.
I don’t know your specific situation, so I’m not sure if that helped. Like I said, if you want to talk it out, please email me. I am here for you.
As for the follow button, I am working on fixing this. I've looked into it and the way I understand, I’m not the only one having this problem. It seems like the follow button just got legs and ran away on several people’s blogs, and now it’s playing hide and seek and no one can find it again. What I’m saying is apparently there’s a Blogger wide game of hide and seek going on, and boy are those follow buttons crafty. As soon as I find out what’s going on or how to fix it, I promise I will get it fixed. If you or anyone else would like me to email you when I update, let me know and I can do so.
Second, I would like to touch on the “Dear Cassadee” advice column I mentioned yesterday. Apparently people thought this would be a good idea, which was something I didn’t expect at all when I had mentioned it. I decided that, if you want me to do a "Dear Cassadee" column, I shall. I thought this out and here are the rules and guidelines. Well, not so much the former as the latter.
*If you would like to submit a question, story or inquiry for advice, you can email me at RubyTwilight@verizon.net or PoetorFraud@verizon.net. You can also contact me through my Facebook page, Myspace page, or leave a comment on the blog. However you want to handle it. If you would like my screen names for AIM or Windows Messenger, they are available upon request. I am very friendly, and if you send me a friend request on any of these ports, I promise to friend you back as well. On a side note, you did not go to the wrong place. That is actually me. Cassadee Willows is my pen name.
*You will remain anonymous unless you otherwise specify that you would not like to. This is totally your choice and I respect your privacy, and will not give out any of your information.
*You may ask for advice about anything, no matter how odd. If you want advice on what to do with your rooster that just can’t quite understand how to speak his or her piece at sunrise, but instead does it whenever he wakes his butt up, I can cover that, too. If there is something I find that I can not cover, I will research it, ask around, and if I still can’t come up with a good answer, I will honestly tell you instead of feeding you junk just to do it. That’s not fair to you.
*By contacting me for advice, you understand that I am not a licensed professional and any advice I give is done only to be helpful. You do not have to take my advice, but instead evaluate it to your situation and do what feels right in your heart. No one truly knows what to do but you. I’m just trying to give the best advice I can, and hopefully I'll help you to find a way to help you best deal with remedy the problem that works best for you.
*If you feel I did not cover your problem correctly, feel free to email me or leave a comment telling me what I did completely wrong and I promise to fix it in the best way possible.
*If you want advice on something, or would just like someone to talk to about an event in your life, but don’t want it on the blog, feel free to contact me. I will be happy to lend an ear. If I do not get back to you immediately, please don’t be offended. All inquiries will usually be answered within 24 to 48 hours unless, for some reason, I can absolutely not get to a computer. As long as I get your message, I will not ignore you.
*If you have any other questions about the guidelines, just ask.
Third, I would like to tell a cute little story. Aunt Bev is in her sixties. Today she called my mom and this is the end of the conversation I heard in a nutshell. “Just pull on the cord on the side...you know what, no, don’t even do it. I will come over and help you. DO NOT TRY TO MOW YOUR LAWN YOURSELF! DON’T DO IT!” Apparently age is just a number, because she has no idea how to start a lawn mower, far more how to use it on the grass. I love my Aunt Bev.
Now I shall move onto part two of yesterday’s post, continuing with songs that move me, and are helpful in many situations, but especially through situations pertaining to heartache.
Cemetery Drive by My Chemical Romance - This song hits me in a very personal place. I have never had a friend take their own life, but I’ve had a friend try. When I hear words to songs, I often find myself picturing the story the song is telling. This one goes in with a one-two punch, and ends with a knockout that reminds me of just how difficult it is to lose someone in any sense.
I Bruise Easily by Natasha Bedingfield - This song illustrates so dearly how one feels when entering into a new relationship after having loved and lost. It speaks of insecurities and walls we put up, as well as facades we put on. It’s a lover’s cry for help, begging someone to be as gentle as possible, even if you can’t convey the words you wish to.
Underneath It All by No Doubt - This is one of those songs where both the music and lyrics tell a story. The music will remind you of a warm day on the beach with a Pina Colada, while the lyrics tell of falling in love and the honeymoon stage of a relationship. This song is everything it should be. We often attach love with easy, simple feelings, when that’s not at all what it ends up to be, but at the beginning when everything is just so easy, this song becomes the soundtrack to it.
Suffocated by Orianthi - I don’t know how many of you have heard of this girl, but she was a guitarist for Michael Jackson’s ill fated "This Is It" tour. The girl is wicked with both her guitar and her vocals. This is one of those songs that takes the rawness of a relationship, the bad blood, and the murdered ending, and puts it all on the line. It doesn’t hold any of the mess or fight back. It admits fault and anger, while also telling the other person just how you think things should be for them now that it's all fallen apart.
Believe by Orianthi - Believe is a complete different story from the last one. It’s about seeing someone and knowing that’s who you want, and they are the one for you. Then it all goes to hell, because you do get that person, but you’re not longer yourself with them. Even still, you want to keep believing in love. You want to and will go on. There’s more out there than just the person that was once in front of you. It’s about not giving up.
She Had the World by Panic at the Disco - This song illustrates so beautifully how someone can have everything they want, the world can be in their hands, but they’re are still sad because the person the really want is the one thing they can never have.
Unhearted by Automatic Loveletter - This is one of those songs that absolutely no one could sing but Juliet Simms. You feel her pain and you get so engrossed in her story that, after awhile, you begin to feel lucky, because you know she’s been through what you’ve been through but one worse. She’s telling her own story while telling a story everyone is similar with in a delicately beautiful manner that makes your heart twinge.
Brighter by Paramore - Even though this person is leaving and walking away, you still want them to know that they are one of the shining stars in your life. No matter how it ended, they always will be. It’s a plea for them to not leave, but an understanding that the chips will fall as they may and you will not think less of the person for it.
Turn It Off by Paramore - Everyone has found themselves between a rock and a hard place, and then sliding slowing down the side of a cliff until they can’t see the light anymore. Everyone has dealt with balancing their pride and finding where vulnerability turns into beauty once all the spite clears. This song represents that. It shows that two people with the same condition can’t be cured unless one lets themselves fall just to find themselves again.
Hallelujah by Paramore - This song is simply about not giving up so you can fall in love, but has the complexity to describe what everyone has felt at one point in a relationship. It’s about waking up and trying to find your way out of your feelings, but you’re still falling in love and can’t see an end to it.
It's All Your Fault by Pink - What I love about this album particularly is that it comes from a place of vulnerability, whereas Pink is known for her songs about kicking ass and taking names later. She lets her guard down and shows that love can break even the strongest people. She lays it all on the line in this song, while still putting her own limitations on the person, because she’s not the kind of girl to sit and wait around, even though it’s so clear she would do anything and wait as long as she had to just to have this person.
Who Knew by Pink - This song reminds me of one particular person, and if I could ever listen to this song without crying I would start to wonder if I ever really cared for that person. It says everything I’ve wanted to say and can’t. It’s about believing what someone tells you when they are right in front of you, only to watch them twist and change, and then do the inevitable. It’s about loss and how it haunts you. It’s about remembering and hurting. She opens up her chest and rips her own heart out for this one.
Another Love Story by Play - In relationships there will always be a stronger person and a person who is still trying to heal from another relationship. This song is about being the strong one who understands what the other has been through, and is willing to help them fix it, but at the same time they are doing it by giving them tough love. Get up and scrape yourself back off. Show me something inside of you and I will take care of all of your fears. It’s about subtle trust.
What If I Leave by Rachel Yamagata - This song plays devil’s advocate. It deals with the fact of being with someone who doesn’t give you what you need, but being so head over heels that you bleed for them continuously just to keep them. You realize you can’t continue to do this, so you toy with the idea of leaving, but you don’t know if you could get that foot out of the door. You wonder what would happen if you did.
I Don’t Miss You At All by Selena Gomez - What I particularly love about this song is that it’s different from the other songs on this list. It’s about truly being over someone, but at the same time, you feel the need to gleefully announce this to everyone. In its own way, though, it also plays devil’s advocate by telling the person that you hope they don’t call, because to boys that usually means that they will call you. This is a more lighthearted song that really socks it to someone at the same time and is clearly meant to break someone’s heart the way they broke yours. It’s a revenge song it its own right.
In the Sun by She and Him - This song has all the cheekiness of an old jazz song, mixed with heavy toned vocals via Zooey Deschanel. The lyrics are hard, but the music is upbeat and fun, and the chorus makes you outright want to dance. This song embodies looking at a bad situation from a perky point of view without becoming cheesy.
Perfect World by Simple Plan - "In a perfect world, you would still be here." Nothing is perfect. Nothing ever will be, but that doesn’t mean we’ll stop relying on perfection and hoping that it comes through for us just once.
Smoke + Mirrors by Skye Sweetnam - The opening lines in this song immediately let you know about the singer’s admitted naivety, leaving it all on the line. Then the song takes a turn and tells about how the person will keep fighting no matter what it takes, no matter how naive they are. They will not give up, because they will come out on the brighter side and prevail. We can all take a lesson from this.
I’m Only Me When I’m With You by Taylor Swift - There’s something about this song that just makes me feel good. As I said before, I visualize the story the person is telling, and there’s a certain romance to sitting underneath the stars with someone who is strictly just yours and no one else’s. They belong to themselves, and their heart is shared with you. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, this song lifts me up and gives me the warm and fuzzies like no other. I want to be the girl in this story and I want to experience this for myself.
Rinse by Vanessa Carlton - “She would suffer, she would fight and compromise.” When you want no one but one person, sometimes you become so blind to what it is that you actually need. When you realize that you can’t live for another person, you realize that person has to go, but that you don’t know how to rinse them away. You know you want the person to know everything you’re feeling, but they never will. Even if they did, you know it won’t make a difference.
In Another Life by The Veronicas - Although I personally have never known this exact story of someone I grew up and fell in love with, there’s a certain romance to it. Even if you haven’t known someone your whole life, there’s always that person that you feel like you have and a little love story develops before you even know it. There are certain lines in this song I find myself singing over and over again with what I’ve gone through. It speaks to my core. Note the lines: “I was in love with your memory.” and “You know I love you, I really do, but I can’t fight anymore for you.”
Cigarettes by The Wreckers - I am far from a country girl at the same time that I am far from anything but. There’s a lot of country where I live, and although heart and soul I want more than this, this is what I am and where I came from. I know what it’s like to listen to sad songs as you drive around the back roads in the complete quiet of the dead of night, and think about finding that one person you won’t have to compromise yourself for. I’ve been this girl, minus the cigarettes. Don’t smoke, guy. It’s icky.
A Secret Worth Keeping by The Fire Restart - There’s not anything I can say about this song that will describe how it gets under your skin and digs there unapologetically. If you need a song to scream to, this is the one.
Here It Goes by Ok Go - This has nothing to do with the song, but there's no way you can watch this video and still be sad. No freaking way.
Hopefully these songs will keep you all busy for awhile. I am going to take things one day at a time with my own situation, because I finally feel free inside. The thing with reconnecting with someone is that you don’t know what to expect, or what you will learn about that person. Sometimes you need to keep that person at arms length once you learn those things, even though you’re dying inside to just hug them, and sometimes that’s the one thing you’re totally okay with and feel whole over. You just need to make sure that person is okay. You don’t have to see them to know that, but if later things settle and you realize it’s time, you have that option to make plans with them.
So guys, I guess the moral of the story is this: everything just needs time.
Dear Cassadee - Part 1
Last year on my blog, I waned over pieces of a story that ended in my blog sounding like an advice column for the lonely and heartbroken. I promised that one day I would tell you all the story of what happened, since it seems I didn’t really tell anyone. It took me a long time to come with terms and make sense of what went on, but finally I’ve been able to and the story has come full circle, so I feel now would be the time that, with an open heart, I can convey to you what all my mysterious parts of puzzle pieces were about.
This is a story that obviously has two sides, since I wasn’t in this alone. I will tell you the story from the most objective point of view possible. To tell you my story, I have to tell you someone else’s at the same time. In order to keep the identity of this person private, I’m not going to mention any names. They will simply be referred to as “Friend.” I know this sounds ominous, but I promise that it’s not. I’m not going to get into the entire debacle of a mess that was made over the past three years, but instead tell the story without making it into a novel, giving you the best liner notes possible without prying too much. This is a post of no excuses and no reasons given for what happened. It just is.
Several years ago I got myself a job at the local electronics store. As it turned out, I was the only girl working on the sales floor. At this time, I was extremely insecure with myself and couldn’t even bring myself to talk to boys, so this was a new challenge for me that I was both scared, but interested in taking on since I was dying to grow as a person. I will be the first to admit that my issues with men stem from my father leaving, and from the treatment he gave me when he was around, but that is another story for another time and place.
Naturally, I was forced to settle in and became less shy with men as time went on, but I found myself still very clueless and vulnerable. I also found myself wanting to explore relationships with men that required being more than just friends. I was twenty at the time and had never had that opportunity. Part of this was because I was shy around men, and the other part was because I was home schooled due to illness through high school, and lacked the interaction I needed.
I met a boy at work who I knew was all wrong for me, but I was always encouraged to date “for experience.” This obviously didn’t go well because I wasn’t that interested in this person, but while dating them I met Friend. Friend was a genuinely sweet guy, who, at the time, had a girlfriend and was going to school to be a psychologist. Little did I know, Friend was about to make a big impact on my life in the most unusual of ways.
After my “relationship” with the guy I wasn’t really interested in, this left me more confused than ever about the world of dating. Friend spent two hours sitting in the car with me after work just talking out my fears and hesitations, and helping me try to make sense of things. You have to understand that this was the first time I had actually held any kind of conversation with Friend, and the first time we’d ever been alone to talk. The fact that he offered to sit and talk with me the way he did said leaps and bounds about the kind of person he was. I decided then and there that I must have this person as a permanent Friend.
A few months went by and we saw each other at work only, but talked all the time, both when we had a chance to at work, and online. In the mean time I had begun to date another guy I wasn’t interested in, only this time it ended even more disastrous. Friend was there.
While the whirlwind of bad relationships, and the fact that I was dating people like my father without realizing it, were setting in, I left my job in search of a new one because I realized the guys I was meeting and were dating there were very toxic. I also realized that the company was poorly ran and difficult to work for. For just over minimum wage, it simply wasn’t worth it.
Friend and I kept in touch no matter what. Friend had expressed his interest in me several times, but would never cheat on his girlfriend, and I would never get involved in anything like that. Truth be told, I saw this person as only a friend, possibly because he had always had the same girlfriend since I knew him, and nothing more. So when he and his girlfriend broke up and things started to develop between us, I wasn’t just surprised, I was scared to death.
This was a person who had gotten me through the worst of times. This person knew everything I hid from everyone else. I trusted this person more than I had ever trusted anyone before. I didn’t want to do anything to mess that up. I had feelings for him I didn’t even know about, but also didn’t know what I was feeling at the same time. No one had looked at me the way he did, and when he said things, I truly knew he meant them. I knew I would be in good hands with him and he’d take nothing but the best care of me. I was unsure, which caused me to be scared. This caused a lot of problems for the both of us.
Before I knew it, we were messing up things all over the place and then walking away from each other, only to come back every six months or so and do it again. Either I wasn’t ready, or he wasn’t ready. This had become a pattern for us, one that I didn’t like but had gotten used to. Just when I thought we had nothing figured out, I realized I was wrong and we had less than nothing figured out, because tragedy struck and absolutely everything changed in every way possible.
Between October and May of 2008 - 2009, I grew up a lot. I realized what my problems were with the men I was picking, and why I was picking them. I had learned to express myself and stand up for myself. I had pulled myself together and found out truly who I was and I was settled into that. The next time Friend came around, I would have it all figured out. I would know what to tell him. Only he told me one worse.
In this time, Friend had gone through a lot which led up to him being in a car accident. This then led him to do several things which I won’t elaborate on, but I was scared for his life. He said he wanted help, so I invited him over to help him find someone to provide the help I so obviously couldn't. The person who showed up at my door was not Friend. They were indeed someone I didn’t know and Friend was gone. I didn’t even know how to react. I felt helpless.
When I told Friend I needed to talk to him and he ignored it, every time I saw him only pretending like he had no idea I had asked to speak with him about something, I knew there wasn't a trace of him left. This was the boy that I spoke to about everything, and who had always dropped everything to listen to me. He spoiled me, I realize, but I had always thought I had done an okay job of having this be a two way thing. Now that was shattered.
Just as I figured out how I really felt for him, that I was in love with him and had been too afraid to admit it, Friend was gone and I was chasing a ghost; a shell that was his, but a spirit that belonged to someone else. I tried to help him, I wanted to, but when he told me in so many words that beer was more important than me, I knew he would never be the same person again. By holding on, I was slowly going to drag myself into a deep depression that I didn’t know if I could get out of. The only option I had to save myself was to let go.
I didn’t handle this correctly. I was rude to Friend next time I saw him. I immediately felt bad and wrote him a letter explaining everything. It was a good letter, one of which I still have, but I never had the guts to give it to him. I knew I had to walk away, and to this day I know I did the right thing, but I also knew that I should have explained things to him. He didn’t deserve the way that I walked away and it bothered me.
However, it was put on the back burner as I went through a hurricane of emotions that ranged from extreme hurt, to awful anger and back again. I was in such disbelief about being in love with someone’s memory, that I couldn’t process anything, so I stopped thinking about it out of force and tried to rebuild everything.
It took me a long time, but more recently I came to terms with the entire situation. That’s when I sincerely started to worry about Friend, and if he was even still alive. I wondered what he was up to if he was, and how he was making out. At first I pushed it away, but then it gnawed at me until I couldn’t take it anymore. It took me awhile, but I finally got the guts to track friend down. I found him on Facebook, friended him, and then proceeded to write him a letter apologizing for the way I had walked away from him. He deserved this apology.
I quite honestly expected to hear nothing back, but I was suddenly completely okay with this. I realized that I had let go of him in so many ways, even though the way I felt for him would always exist. I wasn’t hurting over the situation anymore. What did hurt was how I handled things. I carried this guilt with me, and just being able to apologize that I let my own fears and pride get in the way was enough to lift a weight off of my shoulders that was bigger than I knew I was carrying. I apologized because he deserved it, and I forced myself to let my guard down and be vulnerable because I had to. I didn't do this because I wanted something out of Rriend, or expected anything, but because I needed to do this. He deserved an apology.
Friend did reply to me, and today we got to talking about some things. I have no expectations going into this, but I know that the relationship we had in the past just can not continue. It doesn’t matter if we become friends again, or if we just talk here and there. As long as I know he’s okay, I’m okay. In loving someone, you realize that once all the anger and the madness clears, the only thing that matters, if you really did love them, is that they’re okay. If you could move heaven and earth, you’d want them to be happy, but happiness is up to them and ultimately what they choose to accept. You have no control over them, or the situation. All you can do is be the best person you can be and have faith that things will work out how they are supposed to.
This is where I’m going to sound like an advice column in. I think the things I’ve learned and carried with me over the last year are important to notate here. If my own story can help at least one person go through a tough time, that’s all that will matter to me.
1. Everyone is scared, and no one likes to be vulnerable. If you really care for the person you will be able to push those fears out of the way and stop blaming the other person. You will be able to stop looking for reasons as to why things went the way they did, and stop making excuses. It won’t be today or tomorrow. It may not even be a year from now, but one day you will. It’s how you handle it once you’ve learned to drop your defenses that makes you who you are inside.
2. They always say anger is just masked hurt feelings. I’ve heard people call bull crap on this one, but I can honestly say that’s exactly what anger is. What happens in your past does effect your future, and it can find a way to drag behind you like a ball and chain until you shut yourself down. You can’t do that. Sometimes you have to break the chain and not let it overtake you.
3. Sometimes we spend our lives being the kind of person that we want someone to see us as. We bring parts and pieces of ourselves into this equation, but we never really bring our full selves. That’s when you realize that you haven’t accepted truly who you are. As an adult, you will always like things you liked when you were eight and that is totally okay. Don’t be embarrassed by that. Let your soul sing to whatever tune it wants, and if someone else hears it as out of key, that’s not the right person for you. Only showing them what you want to show them of yourself is not going to get you anywhere but in the arms of the wrong person. It will never be fair to you or them if you let that happen.
4. It is okay and acceptable to go back and apologize to someone almost a year after the fact, as long as you’re doing it for the right reasons. If you do it for self gratification and not because you really mean what you say, you’re only going to dig yourself into a deeper hole. Apologize because you want to and because the person truly deserves it. Don’t apologize because you think you have to.
5. When someone falls into a hole and refuses your help, keep pushing. If they begin to tear a hole in your heart, sometimes you have to walk away and there’s nothing wrong with that. Just make sure that when you do, you let them know why. Don’t antagonize them or badger them. Don’t make them out to be a bad person. Simply tell them that what they are doing to themselves hurts you too badly to sit around and watch them continue to do it. You would be happy to stay if they would just accept help from you and take a leap of faith, but if they have no will to change, you will not stand by and watch them hurt or kill themselves because that is not fair to you. It is not fair to them either, and you think a lot more of them that what they think about themselves. You just want them to see themselves the way that you do. Tell them you will always be there for them if they get in a bind, or really do decide they want to break the habit that even they know is wrong and is going to kill them, but until then you can not sit around while they continue to push you away harder everyday. Tell them that you’re not walking because you don’t care, but for the opposite reason. You love them.
6. Take the time and experience and use it to learn and grow. Time isn’t judgmental and you can borrow as much as you want without having to explain to anyone. Figure out why you do what you do and what makes you tick. Break yourself down and, instead of justifying things, be honest with yourself. This will get you further than pushing the situation out of your mind will, and you will ultimately be a happier person at the end of the day.
7. We all do things for a reason, even the smallest ones. If there’s something you’re doing or have done that you don’t like, take the time to figure out why. Don’t make excuses or blame others, but find what it is inside of yourself that allows you to justify these decisions to yourself even when you know you are wrong. Don’t be afraid to push through it, and don’t let your selfish pride get in the way. This is the hardest thing to do and you will cry, because usually at the end of the gray brick road, are fears and hurt. On the other side, there’s a yellow brick road, and if you’re lucky, you may just see a dancing munchkin or two who have not been squished by Dorothy’s house or been put in harm’s way by The Wicked Witch of the West. You’re protector will be Glenda the Good Witch.
8. Don’t have expectations when reentering a situation. If you do, no matter how small they are, they will always be crushed. Go into the situation unbiased and take what you get out of it. You could get the best outcome possible, or you could get the worst. You could even get the best, but then find out the worst about the person later, or about yourself. You have to be prepared for this.
9. When apologizing to someone, be prepared for anything they could possibly ever ask you, and be ready to answer honestly. If you are not at a place where you can answer any question, no matter how personal, that they have pertaining to the situation, you are not ready to deal with it. It’s okay. Take more time. If you go into the situation and end up just lying to them, or shutting down when they ask what you don’t want to answer because you’re not ready, you’re going to lose your chance to truly give them the apology that you want to, and you most likely won’t get another. You're short changing yourself and that person.
10. Listen to music, any music you want. Don’t stick to a genre, or even certain types of lyrics. Just listen to what you feel. And rock out to it, too. The more you rock out, the louder you sing and the more off key you are, the better, because, at the end of the it all, you will feel insane, free and a billion times better, even if it is just for a little while.
Here are some songs I suggest for any emotion:
Best Days of Your Life by Kellie Pickler and Taylor Swift - No matter what genre of music you listen to, everyone is going to have that time in their life when they meet someone, and then easily realize after it’s all said and done, that you were with the wrong person. Being as such, you actually feel bad for the person, because they treated you like junk, realized you were the one, and then wanted you back when you’re not interested. The lyrics in this song tell them to take a hike in a very girl empowering way. The music video tells them to take a hike in a completely different way.
Carry On Wayward Son by Kansas - Everyone needs a little seventies rock in their life. Everyone needs to rock out. Everyone knows someone who went wayward at one time or another, or lost someone and wanted to see them at peace. This song has it all.
Party In the USA by Miley Cyrus - Look, don’t stone me for this. Whether you like Miley or not, this is a damn catch and super cheesy song. There’s no way you can’t smile your emotions out if you just try to dance to it. Even if you’re making fun of her while you’re doing it, making fun of people is ultimately having fun, so this works for all angles.
Janie’s Got a Gun by Aerosmith - This is one of those songs that makes me smile because of the personal story that goes behind it, thus why I shall share the story with you. I once had a friend named Jaynee who was strong willed and overall the opposite of my chicken-shitness. When she would get angry with someone, she would just very subtly start singing this song. She's 5'2 and a skinny-minnie. People backed off. Picture this and tell me that it doesn’t make you smile.
Say Goodbye by Ashlee Simpson - When you listen to the lyrics closely, this one is self explanatory. If you say you’ve never had to deal with a hard goodbye like this, you are lying. Whether it’s the loss of a friendship, or a loss in a more final way, everyone has had their heart broken and had to let go.
Starts With Goodbye by Carrie Underwood - “Sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye.”
Don’t Forget by Demi Lovato - Even in the darkest of situations, no matter the person, you never want them to forget you, or you wonder if they did when they simply turned the other cheek when you used to mean so much to them. This song expresses these emotions in a way that someone so young shouldn’t be able to.
Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow by Carole King - This song plays on everyone’s insecurities when it comes to falling in love and how far to fall before catching yourself. This song is particularly catered to girls, but could work for men as well. Insecurities; we all have them. And yes, this is the lady who ran the music store on Gilmore Girls. I know at least one person is going to ask me that.
Your Star by Evanescence - The metaphors in this song for life and love can be interpreted in many ways, but all that matters is what this song means to you and how it makes you feel. With a haunting piano solo that leads into the music Evanescence became famous for, the instrumental alone will captivate you if Amy Lee’s vocals already haven't.
The Patron Saints of Liars and Fakes by Fall Out Boy - “When it all goes to hell will you be able to tell me sorry with a straight face?”
Borrowed Time by A Fine Frenzy - Melodically this song is appeasing, but it’s the lyrics that will really win you over. It tells a story of how you are not invincible and life is not infinite. What you do with your time, the delicate things you touch and what you let rub off on others matters. You only get once chance.
So Sick by Flyleaf - If you’re pissed and want to rock out with a woman who seriously rocks out, this is the song to go with. There’s girl screamo, there’s anger, there’s telling someone to STFU. It’s perfect. You can feel like an angsty teenager again, even if you aren’t one. If you are, you probably already know this song.
6 Months by Hey Monday - This tells a story of a girl who finds herself safe with someone when she never thought she could. The delicateness of this song, mixed with the heavy vocals and heartfelt emotion make you long for what she has. In longing, we often find the truth.
Happy by Hilary Duff - I know she’s not the most amazing vocalist, but don’t rule this song off of your playlist. It’s deceivingly dancey, but the lyrics tell a story of a girl who is dancing ultimately because she found what she needed inside of herself to break free of someone who used to mean everything in her life. The music expresses her feelings, while the words she sings tell a story of both heartbreak and uplift.
Stronger by Jennifer Love Hewitt - You can pick yourself back up. This story is about a girl who has been around, she’s seen a lot of things with men, and she’s made dumb decisions, but each one has made her stronger. She's the girl next door. It’s about empowering others to make decisions that will make them stronger, too, and learn and grow from every experience.
Be by Jessica Simpson - I think what gets me about this song is that it was written about Nick Lachey during their time of marriage. They are no longer married, obviously, but I think that gives this song more strength. She pours her emotions into this song about finally finding the one and does it with no regret. She put this out here for the world to hear and then her marriage ended. She did not lay down and die. She picked herself up again and is now looking for the person who will embody the meaning of this song for her again.
Long Shot by Katy Perry - I know you guys probably know the Kelly Clarkson version of this song, but Katy originally wrote and recorded it, and as far as I’m concerned, the Kelly version just doesn’t have the emotion that this one does. This song is about finding something inside of you that makes you fearless and taking the long shot in love. She is unafraid and brutally honest with herself about the situation, but she goes for it anyway.
Self Inflicted by Katy Perry - There’s always going to be that one person who you would drop everything for, and every single time you do it hurts, but you keep doing it and you keep inflicting your own wounds. You would continue to do it again and again.
Sick by Lillix - No matter what you do or how you change, sometimes you’re not going to be good enough for someone. That’s okay. Screw them. As long as you are happy with who you are, that’s enough. If they don’t understand you, walk away. If they seep under your skin, become stronger.
One of These Days by Michelle Branch - Something has always struck me romantic about this song, even if I can’t quite put my finger on what exactly it is.
I Don’t Love You by My Chemical Romance - Love hurts. It’s supposed to, but that doesn’t mean you won’t heal and feelings won’t continue to change. It’s part of life.
I will continue the rest of this list tomorrow since it is becoming longer than the actual story of this post itself. Just a quick question, should I start a Dear Cassadee part of this blog where you can write in with questions, stories or advice and I will objectively get back to you with hopefully what will be words of wisdom, or do we all think this is a bad idea?
This is a story that obviously has two sides, since I wasn’t in this alone. I will tell you the story from the most objective point of view possible. To tell you my story, I have to tell you someone else’s at the same time. In order to keep the identity of this person private, I’m not going to mention any names. They will simply be referred to as “Friend.” I know this sounds ominous, but I promise that it’s not. I’m not going to get into the entire debacle of a mess that was made over the past three years, but instead tell the story without making it into a novel, giving you the best liner notes possible without prying too much. This is a post of no excuses and no reasons given for what happened. It just is.
Several years ago I got myself a job at the local electronics store. As it turned out, I was the only girl working on the sales floor. At this time, I was extremely insecure with myself and couldn’t even bring myself to talk to boys, so this was a new challenge for me that I was both scared, but interested in taking on since I was dying to grow as a person. I will be the first to admit that my issues with men stem from my father leaving, and from the treatment he gave me when he was around, but that is another story for another time and place.
Naturally, I was forced to settle in and became less shy with men as time went on, but I found myself still very clueless and vulnerable. I also found myself wanting to explore relationships with men that required being more than just friends. I was twenty at the time and had never had that opportunity. Part of this was because I was shy around men, and the other part was because I was home schooled due to illness through high school, and lacked the interaction I needed.
I met a boy at work who I knew was all wrong for me, but I was always encouraged to date “for experience.” This obviously didn’t go well because I wasn’t that interested in this person, but while dating them I met Friend. Friend was a genuinely sweet guy, who, at the time, had a girlfriend and was going to school to be a psychologist. Little did I know, Friend was about to make a big impact on my life in the most unusual of ways.
After my “relationship” with the guy I wasn’t really interested in, this left me more confused than ever about the world of dating. Friend spent two hours sitting in the car with me after work just talking out my fears and hesitations, and helping me try to make sense of things. You have to understand that this was the first time I had actually held any kind of conversation with Friend, and the first time we’d ever been alone to talk. The fact that he offered to sit and talk with me the way he did said leaps and bounds about the kind of person he was. I decided then and there that I must have this person as a permanent Friend.
A few months went by and we saw each other at work only, but talked all the time, both when we had a chance to at work, and online. In the mean time I had begun to date another guy I wasn’t interested in, only this time it ended even more disastrous. Friend was there.
While the whirlwind of bad relationships, and the fact that I was dating people like my father without realizing it, were setting in, I left my job in search of a new one because I realized the guys I was meeting and were dating there were very toxic. I also realized that the company was poorly ran and difficult to work for. For just over minimum wage, it simply wasn’t worth it.
Friend and I kept in touch no matter what. Friend had expressed his interest in me several times, but would never cheat on his girlfriend, and I would never get involved in anything like that. Truth be told, I saw this person as only a friend, possibly because he had always had the same girlfriend since I knew him, and nothing more. So when he and his girlfriend broke up and things started to develop between us, I wasn’t just surprised, I was scared to death.
This was a person who had gotten me through the worst of times. This person knew everything I hid from everyone else. I trusted this person more than I had ever trusted anyone before. I didn’t want to do anything to mess that up. I had feelings for him I didn’t even know about, but also didn’t know what I was feeling at the same time. No one had looked at me the way he did, and when he said things, I truly knew he meant them. I knew I would be in good hands with him and he’d take nothing but the best care of me. I was unsure, which caused me to be scared. This caused a lot of problems for the both of us.
Before I knew it, we were messing up things all over the place and then walking away from each other, only to come back every six months or so and do it again. Either I wasn’t ready, or he wasn’t ready. This had become a pattern for us, one that I didn’t like but had gotten used to. Just when I thought we had nothing figured out, I realized I was wrong and we had less than nothing figured out, because tragedy struck and absolutely everything changed in every way possible.
Between October and May of 2008 - 2009, I grew up a lot. I realized what my problems were with the men I was picking, and why I was picking them. I had learned to express myself and stand up for myself. I had pulled myself together and found out truly who I was and I was settled into that. The next time Friend came around, I would have it all figured out. I would know what to tell him. Only he told me one worse.
In this time, Friend had gone through a lot which led up to him being in a car accident. This then led him to do several things which I won’t elaborate on, but I was scared for his life. He said he wanted help, so I invited him over to help him find someone to provide the help I so obviously couldn't. The person who showed up at my door was not Friend. They were indeed someone I didn’t know and Friend was gone. I didn’t even know how to react. I felt helpless.
When I told Friend I needed to talk to him and he ignored it, every time I saw him only pretending like he had no idea I had asked to speak with him about something, I knew there wasn't a trace of him left. This was the boy that I spoke to about everything, and who had always dropped everything to listen to me. He spoiled me, I realize, but I had always thought I had done an okay job of having this be a two way thing. Now that was shattered.
Just as I figured out how I really felt for him, that I was in love with him and had been too afraid to admit it, Friend was gone and I was chasing a ghost; a shell that was his, but a spirit that belonged to someone else. I tried to help him, I wanted to, but when he told me in so many words that beer was more important than me, I knew he would never be the same person again. By holding on, I was slowly going to drag myself into a deep depression that I didn’t know if I could get out of. The only option I had to save myself was to let go.
I didn’t handle this correctly. I was rude to Friend next time I saw him. I immediately felt bad and wrote him a letter explaining everything. It was a good letter, one of which I still have, but I never had the guts to give it to him. I knew I had to walk away, and to this day I know I did the right thing, but I also knew that I should have explained things to him. He didn’t deserve the way that I walked away and it bothered me.
However, it was put on the back burner as I went through a hurricane of emotions that ranged from extreme hurt, to awful anger and back again. I was in such disbelief about being in love with someone’s memory, that I couldn’t process anything, so I stopped thinking about it out of force and tried to rebuild everything.
It took me a long time, but more recently I came to terms with the entire situation. That’s when I sincerely started to worry about Friend, and if he was even still alive. I wondered what he was up to if he was, and how he was making out. At first I pushed it away, but then it gnawed at me until I couldn’t take it anymore. It took me awhile, but I finally got the guts to track friend down. I found him on Facebook, friended him, and then proceeded to write him a letter apologizing for the way I had walked away from him. He deserved this apology.
I quite honestly expected to hear nothing back, but I was suddenly completely okay with this. I realized that I had let go of him in so many ways, even though the way I felt for him would always exist. I wasn’t hurting over the situation anymore. What did hurt was how I handled things. I carried this guilt with me, and just being able to apologize that I let my own fears and pride get in the way was enough to lift a weight off of my shoulders that was bigger than I knew I was carrying. I apologized because he deserved it, and I forced myself to let my guard down and be vulnerable because I had to. I didn't do this because I wanted something out of Rriend, or expected anything, but because I needed to do this. He deserved an apology.
Friend did reply to me, and today we got to talking about some things. I have no expectations going into this, but I know that the relationship we had in the past just can not continue. It doesn’t matter if we become friends again, or if we just talk here and there. As long as I know he’s okay, I’m okay. In loving someone, you realize that once all the anger and the madness clears, the only thing that matters, if you really did love them, is that they’re okay. If you could move heaven and earth, you’d want them to be happy, but happiness is up to them and ultimately what they choose to accept. You have no control over them, or the situation. All you can do is be the best person you can be and have faith that things will work out how they are supposed to.
This is where I’m going to sound like an advice column in. I think the things I’ve learned and carried with me over the last year are important to notate here. If my own story can help at least one person go through a tough time, that’s all that will matter to me.
1. Everyone is scared, and no one likes to be vulnerable. If you really care for the person you will be able to push those fears out of the way and stop blaming the other person. You will be able to stop looking for reasons as to why things went the way they did, and stop making excuses. It won’t be today or tomorrow. It may not even be a year from now, but one day you will. It’s how you handle it once you’ve learned to drop your defenses that makes you who you are inside.
2. They always say anger is just masked hurt feelings. I’ve heard people call bull crap on this one, but I can honestly say that’s exactly what anger is. What happens in your past does effect your future, and it can find a way to drag behind you like a ball and chain until you shut yourself down. You can’t do that. Sometimes you have to break the chain and not let it overtake you.
3. Sometimes we spend our lives being the kind of person that we want someone to see us as. We bring parts and pieces of ourselves into this equation, but we never really bring our full selves. That’s when you realize that you haven’t accepted truly who you are. As an adult, you will always like things you liked when you were eight and that is totally okay. Don’t be embarrassed by that. Let your soul sing to whatever tune it wants, and if someone else hears it as out of key, that’s not the right person for you. Only showing them what you want to show them of yourself is not going to get you anywhere but in the arms of the wrong person. It will never be fair to you or them if you let that happen.
4. It is okay and acceptable to go back and apologize to someone almost a year after the fact, as long as you’re doing it for the right reasons. If you do it for self gratification and not because you really mean what you say, you’re only going to dig yourself into a deeper hole. Apologize because you want to and because the person truly deserves it. Don’t apologize because you think you have to.
5. When someone falls into a hole and refuses your help, keep pushing. If they begin to tear a hole in your heart, sometimes you have to walk away and there’s nothing wrong with that. Just make sure that when you do, you let them know why. Don’t antagonize them or badger them. Don’t make them out to be a bad person. Simply tell them that what they are doing to themselves hurts you too badly to sit around and watch them continue to do it. You would be happy to stay if they would just accept help from you and take a leap of faith, but if they have no will to change, you will not stand by and watch them hurt or kill themselves because that is not fair to you. It is not fair to them either, and you think a lot more of them that what they think about themselves. You just want them to see themselves the way that you do. Tell them you will always be there for them if they get in a bind, or really do decide they want to break the habit that even they know is wrong and is going to kill them, but until then you can not sit around while they continue to push you away harder everyday. Tell them that you’re not walking because you don’t care, but for the opposite reason. You love them.
6. Take the time and experience and use it to learn and grow. Time isn’t judgmental and you can borrow as much as you want without having to explain to anyone. Figure out why you do what you do and what makes you tick. Break yourself down and, instead of justifying things, be honest with yourself. This will get you further than pushing the situation out of your mind will, and you will ultimately be a happier person at the end of the day.
7. We all do things for a reason, even the smallest ones. If there’s something you’re doing or have done that you don’t like, take the time to figure out why. Don’t make excuses or blame others, but find what it is inside of yourself that allows you to justify these decisions to yourself even when you know you are wrong. Don’t be afraid to push through it, and don’t let your selfish pride get in the way. This is the hardest thing to do and you will cry, because usually at the end of the gray brick road, are fears and hurt. On the other side, there’s a yellow brick road, and if you’re lucky, you may just see a dancing munchkin or two who have not been squished by Dorothy’s house or been put in harm’s way by The Wicked Witch of the West. You’re protector will be Glenda the Good Witch.
8. Don’t have expectations when reentering a situation. If you do, no matter how small they are, they will always be crushed. Go into the situation unbiased and take what you get out of it. You could get the best outcome possible, or you could get the worst. You could even get the best, but then find out the worst about the person later, or about yourself. You have to be prepared for this.
9. When apologizing to someone, be prepared for anything they could possibly ever ask you, and be ready to answer honestly. If you are not at a place where you can answer any question, no matter how personal, that they have pertaining to the situation, you are not ready to deal with it. It’s okay. Take more time. If you go into the situation and end up just lying to them, or shutting down when they ask what you don’t want to answer because you’re not ready, you’re going to lose your chance to truly give them the apology that you want to, and you most likely won’t get another. You're short changing yourself and that person.
10. Listen to music, any music you want. Don’t stick to a genre, or even certain types of lyrics. Just listen to what you feel. And rock out to it, too. The more you rock out, the louder you sing and the more off key you are, the better, because, at the end of the it all, you will feel insane, free and a billion times better, even if it is just for a little while.
Here are some songs I suggest for any emotion:
Best Days of Your Life by Kellie Pickler and Taylor Swift - No matter what genre of music you listen to, everyone is going to have that time in their life when they meet someone, and then easily realize after it’s all said and done, that you were with the wrong person. Being as such, you actually feel bad for the person, because they treated you like junk, realized you were the one, and then wanted you back when you’re not interested. The lyrics in this song tell them to take a hike in a very girl empowering way. The music video tells them to take a hike in a completely different way.
Carry On Wayward Son by Kansas - Everyone needs a little seventies rock in their life. Everyone needs to rock out. Everyone knows someone who went wayward at one time or another, or lost someone and wanted to see them at peace. This song has it all.
Party In the USA by Miley Cyrus - Look, don’t stone me for this. Whether you like Miley or not, this is a damn catch and super cheesy song. There’s no way you can’t smile your emotions out if you just try to dance to it. Even if you’re making fun of her while you’re doing it, making fun of people is ultimately having fun, so this works for all angles.
Janie’s Got a Gun by Aerosmith - This is one of those songs that makes me smile because of the personal story that goes behind it, thus why I shall share the story with you. I once had a friend named Jaynee who was strong willed and overall the opposite of my chicken-shitness. When she would get angry with someone, she would just very subtly start singing this song. She's 5'2 and a skinny-minnie. People backed off. Picture this and tell me that it doesn’t make you smile.
Say Goodbye by Ashlee Simpson - When you listen to the lyrics closely, this one is self explanatory. If you say you’ve never had to deal with a hard goodbye like this, you are lying. Whether it’s the loss of a friendship, or a loss in a more final way, everyone has had their heart broken and had to let go.
Starts With Goodbye by Carrie Underwood - “Sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye.”
Don’t Forget by Demi Lovato - Even in the darkest of situations, no matter the person, you never want them to forget you, or you wonder if they did when they simply turned the other cheek when you used to mean so much to them. This song expresses these emotions in a way that someone so young shouldn’t be able to.
Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow by Carole King - This song plays on everyone’s insecurities when it comes to falling in love and how far to fall before catching yourself. This song is particularly catered to girls, but could work for men as well. Insecurities; we all have them. And yes, this is the lady who ran the music store on Gilmore Girls. I know at least one person is going to ask me that.
Your Star by Evanescence - The metaphors in this song for life and love can be interpreted in many ways, but all that matters is what this song means to you and how it makes you feel. With a haunting piano solo that leads into the music Evanescence became famous for, the instrumental alone will captivate you if Amy Lee’s vocals already haven't.
The Patron Saints of Liars and Fakes by Fall Out Boy - “When it all goes to hell will you be able to tell me sorry with a straight face?”
Borrowed Time by A Fine Frenzy - Melodically this song is appeasing, but it’s the lyrics that will really win you over. It tells a story of how you are not invincible and life is not infinite. What you do with your time, the delicate things you touch and what you let rub off on others matters. You only get once chance.
So Sick by Flyleaf - If you’re pissed and want to rock out with a woman who seriously rocks out, this is the song to go with. There’s girl screamo, there’s anger, there’s telling someone to STFU. It’s perfect. You can feel like an angsty teenager again, even if you aren’t one. If you are, you probably already know this song.
6 Months by Hey Monday - This tells a story of a girl who finds herself safe with someone when she never thought she could. The delicateness of this song, mixed with the heavy vocals and heartfelt emotion make you long for what she has. In longing, we often find the truth.
Happy by Hilary Duff - I know she’s not the most amazing vocalist, but don’t rule this song off of your playlist. It’s deceivingly dancey, but the lyrics tell a story of a girl who is dancing ultimately because she found what she needed inside of herself to break free of someone who used to mean everything in her life. The music expresses her feelings, while the words she sings tell a story of both heartbreak and uplift.
Stronger by Jennifer Love Hewitt - You can pick yourself back up. This story is about a girl who has been around, she’s seen a lot of things with men, and she’s made dumb decisions, but each one has made her stronger. She's the girl next door. It’s about empowering others to make decisions that will make them stronger, too, and learn and grow from every experience.
Be by Jessica Simpson - I think what gets me about this song is that it was written about Nick Lachey during their time of marriage. They are no longer married, obviously, but I think that gives this song more strength. She pours her emotions into this song about finally finding the one and does it with no regret. She put this out here for the world to hear and then her marriage ended. She did not lay down and die. She picked herself up again and is now looking for the person who will embody the meaning of this song for her again.
Long Shot by Katy Perry - I know you guys probably know the Kelly Clarkson version of this song, but Katy originally wrote and recorded it, and as far as I’m concerned, the Kelly version just doesn’t have the emotion that this one does. This song is about finding something inside of you that makes you fearless and taking the long shot in love. She is unafraid and brutally honest with herself about the situation, but she goes for it anyway.
Self Inflicted by Katy Perry - There’s always going to be that one person who you would drop everything for, and every single time you do it hurts, but you keep doing it and you keep inflicting your own wounds. You would continue to do it again and again.
Sick by Lillix - No matter what you do or how you change, sometimes you’re not going to be good enough for someone. That’s okay. Screw them. As long as you are happy with who you are, that’s enough. If they don’t understand you, walk away. If they seep under your skin, become stronger.
One of These Days by Michelle Branch - Something has always struck me romantic about this song, even if I can’t quite put my finger on what exactly it is.
I Don’t Love You by My Chemical Romance - Love hurts. It’s supposed to, but that doesn’t mean you won’t heal and feelings won’t continue to change. It’s part of life.
I will continue the rest of this list tomorrow since it is becoming longer than the actual story of this post itself. Just a quick question, should I start a Dear Cassadee part of this blog where you can write in with questions, stories or advice and I will objectively get back to you with hopefully what will be words of wisdom, or do we all think this is a bad idea?
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
When Old MacDonald Entertains 24 Year Olds
Just a short blog for today. For the first time in my life, I don't have a lot to say. I do, however, have blogs sitting in cue that need posted. Who thinks I should get on doing that?
Today I totally went to the park and went down the gigantic slide, but not after finagling around a bunch of kids so that I didn't run their cute little butts over and be accused of murder. Where I come from, that would have been a bad thing. And, as most proper ladies do, I let my guy friend go down first to see how slick the slide was, that way, if he flew off the end, I knew that I had to stop myself early. He flew off the end. Lesson learned.
At the park, said friend told me a particular story involving a gnome, but not really. It was the best story I have ever heard, better than anything I could tell you, so once I collaborate with him, I will share the story with all of you.
While at said park, we decided to take a walk down by the lake. This was a mistake seeing as the lake looked way smaller until you were partway around it and it was too late to go back. Either way, we made it, but not without some interesting teenagers coming up behind us and telling a story that I never, ever needed to hear. Actually, it was just the one girl talking. Her friends couldn't get a word in edgewise, but let me tell you where I came in on this conversation.
"So I kissed her, and she kissed Kurt, and then Kurt kissed someone else, and we all went around until we had all kissed each other."
I'm sorry, but I couldn't turn my ears off. She was so loud. Now I was both mortified, and curious. I looked back to see that she was quite young, and worried what the heck kids did these days. Then I instantly felt old. Not as old as I was about to feel. A few minutes later this little doozy of a sentence came along.
"We can't get laid, so that's why we have these parties. That way we can have orgies."
Everything she said from then on in was extremely sexual even when it wasn't. I just couldn't get that out of my head. Who does this and why? She later said she was seventeen. I just...where are her parents? Where? I'm twenty four, responsible and not getting sex, so neither should she. I'm just saying...
We got back in once piece, and thankfully I didn't cut my ears off, but now understand why Van Gogh attempted it. If he had to hear anything like that, I don't blame him one bit. Once we made it back to my house, I successfully managed to get my friend to play with a toy that, when you color on it, it makes the sounds of the animals you're coloring. After you've discovered all four sounds, it plays a song.
Did I mention Aunt Bev got me this for Easter? It's for ages 3 and up. She knows me so well. I am having the time of my life with this thing. Thank you, Aunt Bev.
I also can't neglect the current mining tragedy that occurred yesterday. I sent my condolences to all the families who lost loved ones, and everyone who lost friends. May you have the strength and guidance to learn to live without your loved one while keeping them in your heart, and may all of the dearly departed rest in peace. I will pray for you all.
I have a few more words about this. I understand that only the right people who see this will understand, and that most readers won't. I'm not going to say anymore about the subject. It is what it is.
- Maureen or Marleen (I am so sorry that I didn't completely catch your name), your husband lost his wedding ring a few weeks ago at work. He didn't want to tell you, so he pretended he knew exactly where it was, or that he was having it re-sized. He's sorry that you won't have it to put with him or hold onto, but he still loves you very much.
- Sasha Bear, please don't be mad at your mom for putting a bologna sandwich in your lunch last week. She did not do it. She originally had a hamburger in there, but your dad got hungry and ate your hamburger, and then put the bologna sandwich in there and made you think your mom did it. There was nothing else to substitute with, even though you didn't really like bologna and ended up starving at lunch. He's sorry. Please start talking to your mom again, and stop holding a grudge. She and your brother need you right now.
Last, but certainly not least, I would again like to thank the wonderful person who has commented yet again on my blog. I would love to read your blog as well. I went into your profile but didn't see a link to it. I could totally be having a senior moment and missing it. If you could link me to your blog I would forever be grateful. Thank you again!
Today I totally went to the park and went down the gigantic slide, but not after finagling around a bunch of kids so that I didn't run their cute little butts over and be accused of murder. Where I come from, that would have been a bad thing. And, as most proper ladies do, I let my guy friend go down first to see how slick the slide was, that way, if he flew off the end, I knew that I had to stop myself early. He flew off the end. Lesson learned.
At the park, said friend told me a particular story involving a gnome, but not really. It was the best story I have ever heard, better than anything I could tell you, so once I collaborate with him, I will share the story with all of you.
While at said park, we decided to take a walk down by the lake. This was a mistake seeing as the lake looked way smaller until you were partway around it and it was too late to go back. Either way, we made it, but not without some interesting teenagers coming up behind us and telling a story that I never, ever needed to hear. Actually, it was just the one girl talking. Her friends couldn't get a word in edgewise, but let me tell you where I came in on this conversation.
"So I kissed her, and she kissed Kurt, and then Kurt kissed someone else, and we all went around until we had all kissed each other."
I'm sorry, but I couldn't turn my ears off. She was so loud. Now I was both mortified, and curious. I looked back to see that she was quite young, and worried what the heck kids did these days. Then I instantly felt old. Not as old as I was about to feel. A few minutes later this little doozy of a sentence came along.
"We can't get laid, so that's why we have these parties. That way we can have orgies."
Everything she said from then on in was extremely sexual even when it wasn't. I just couldn't get that out of my head. Who does this and why? She later said she was seventeen. I just...where are her parents? Where? I'm twenty four, responsible and not getting sex, so neither should she. I'm just saying...
We got back in once piece, and thankfully I didn't cut my ears off, but now understand why Van Gogh attempted it. If he had to hear anything like that, I don't blame him one bit. Once we made it back to my house, I successfully managed to get my friend to play with a toy that, when you color on it, it makes the sounds of the animals you're coloring. After you've discovered all four sounds, it plays a song.
Did I mention Aunt Bev got me this for Easter? It's for ages 3 and up. She knows me so well. I am having the time of my life with this thing. Thank you, Aunt Bev.
I also can't neglect the current mining tragedy that occurred yesterday. I sent my condolences to all the families who lost loved ones, and everyone who lost friends. May you have the strength and guidance to learn to live without your loved one while keeping them in your heart, and may all of the dearly departed rest in peace. I will pray for you all.
I have a few more words about this. I understand that only the right people who see this will understand, and that most readers won't. I'm not going to say anymore about the subject. It is what it is.
- Maureen or Marleen (I am so sorry that I didn't completely catch your name), your husband lost his wedding ring a few weeks ago at work. He didn't want to tell you, so he pretended he knew exactly where it was, or that he was having it re-sized. He's sorry that you won't have it to put with him or hold onto, but he still loves you very much.
- Sasha Bear, please don't be mad at your mom for putting a bologna sandwich in your lunch last week. She did not do it. She originally had a hamburger in there, but your dad got hungry and ate your hamburger, and then put the bologna sandwich in there and made you think your mom did it. There was nothing else to substitute with, even though you didn't really like bologna and ended up starving at lunch. He's sorry. Please start talking to your mom again, and stop holding a grudge. She and your brother need you right now.
Last, but certainly not least, I would again like to thank the wonderful person who has commented yet again on my blog. I would love to read your blog as well. I went into your profile but didn't see a link to it. I could totally be having a senior moment and missing it. If you could link me to your blog I would forever be grateful. Thank you again!
Monday, April 5, 2010
Thank You
I just wanted to write a little note to thank the delightfully wonderful person who commented on my last post. It is so appreciated.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
I Have Keys to Things I Haven't Even Owned
I was always, without fail, the little geeky kid who was nice to everyone. When I was in school, I often wondered why I didn't have a lot of friends. I thought being nice got you everywhere. Now that I'm 24, I've finally figured out the answer to the grand scheme of things. I didn't have a lot of friends because I am the most eclectic person I know.
This would be okay if we were talking the good kind of eclectic. Most people are eclectic because of the things they collect, or the unusual pieces they place around their home and the way they decorate. I am eclectic because there's really nothing I can't find a way to like in my own really weird way. This makes me hard to figure out and most people can't deal with that. I, however, think this is super and like to think of myself a as an evil genius of confusion and what not. For those who get me, I'm a lot of fun. For those who don't, I am probably the weirdest person in the history of the world. This is why I love my friends so much. And really, if you're cracking yourself up and are nice, isn't that all that matters?
I think it is.
However, I would still like to tell you all about my eclecticism. I'm completely sure that at least one of my entire five readers is going to run away from me, and then realize if they read the blog, they already know me, and then come back and befriend me again. This is how my friends are; they're as weird as me. Oh, come on my wonderful friends, you already knew this.
When you think of television shows / movies that you like to watch, this becomes a pretty clear cut and dry thing, correct? You have genres you like and ones you don't. That's normal. That's why that's not me, obviously.
For example, some of my favorite television shows include the likes of Criminal Minds and CSI (the original only.) This doesn't seem too odd. Both are in the same category. Then let's add that I love Gilmore Girls. I know it's not on the air anymore, but it's still one of my favorites. Thanks to my mom, I own all seven seasons. No really, thank you mommy!
Anywhomaburger, I successfully went from loving shows about crime analysis, psychopathic analysis, and ultimately death and the capture of those who cause it, to liking a super girlie show about a single mother and daughter. Still, you can get over this. Let's now ad that I'm gaga over Supernatural. Yeah, this is where the wait, what factor comes in. Oh, and did I mention I don't really care for anything in the horror genre?
If that wasn't enough, I'm a gigantic fan of Wizards of Waverly Place, Phineas and Ferb and Hannah Montana. (Leave Miley alone. I eat mean people for breakfast.) I also appreciate most other Disney shows, and can find myself entertained for hours at the adult humor that is put into them. Ah, to have known as a kid what I know. My innocence would have been lost.
Then there's the reality shows. Oh god, there's the reality shows. I'm not huge on them, but somehow I just watch them anyway. And not just one or two, oh no. Let me give you the short version of the ones I most commonly find myself friends with. I adore Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Khloe really makes the show for me. I feel like if I knew her, we'd be besties. Gene Simmons Family Jewels? I am so there. Kirstie Alley's Big Life? Why not? The Millionaire Matchmaker? Of course. It has dysfunctional men with money in it, and woman who won't take their shit. The Bad Girls Club? Who doesn't love a bunch of loud mouth bitches who would scare the living daylights out of me, therefore causing me to pee my pants and give them all my money when all they were trying to do was say hi? The Puppy Bowl? Heck yes! House Hunters? I love seeing inside people's houses, even if it is on television, and definitely as long and its not in a creepy way. My personal fav. is Pretty Wild. Don't ask me why, but I'm beyond addicted.
Late at night, though, is where things get dicey. Nothing is on after two in the morning, right? WRONG? You just have to have my mind. I flip through the channels and find the most bizarre description of a television show or movie that I possibly can and I watch that. Even if it's a horror movie, which is something I'm not usually a fan of, even though it takes a lot to scare me, I will watch it. Heck, this is how I found Gene Simmons Family Jewels. My favorite, however, still stands with the following description: "After a sex change, a serial killer returns as a camp counselor to the camp she terrorized years earlier." Was this movie as ridiculous as it sounds? It was an 80's horror movie, so you tell me. Was I laughing hysterical the entire time and consider this the best two hours of early morning television ever? You betcha.
Let's talk music. I will listen to pretty much anything at all. When I went to have my MRIs done I was asked what kind of music I wanted to listen to. I told the guy to surprise me. He did. I love seventies rock, when music was music, but then I'm quite fond of Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood and Kellie Pickler. Oh, and Sugarland. I can listen to My Chemical Romance and then switch to Selena Gomez and go right back into A Fine Frenzy. Mandy Moore? Check. Rachel Yamagata? Check. Paramore? She and Him? Orianthi? check, check and check. This isn't weird to me, but I have realized when riding in the car with friends, just how odd this actually is. And don't think I don't sing to all these songs, no matter what they are, in an absolutely ridiculous operatic voice. If there's no words, I make them up.
I also find myself not a huge fan of rap music, or really heavy all computer generated techno and pop music. Actually, I'm not a huge fan of pop despite the whole Selena Gomez thing. She's just awesome. Some pop is okay, but when there's not a real instrument to be found in the album, not so much. If you give me a decent pop song with a nice steady rap in it, I am so there and jamming to it. I don't get it either.
Last we shall discuss guys. Ah, guys. I like discussing guys. Now for the sake of this blog, we will discuss famous guys only, because if I start talking about guys I know in real life that I particularly adore, this will get us nowhere. Most of the people reading this blog don't know each other, so they won't know who the heck I'm talking about, therefore voiding the whole point of talking about guys.
Let's start with guys I'm really not into. Conventionally hot guys that appear in magazines and on billboards. You know, models. Especially those ones for places like Holister. Psst. Not for me. But Jensen Ackles who used to be a model? He's so for me. Any man that can do this is awesome in my book. That hot guy from that television show everyone watches? Not for me.
Do I like normal guys? No. Do I like guys with lots of personality? Yes, but only if they're non popular super nerds underneath it all. Best example; I totally adore Matthew Gray Gubler. He is one weird little dude who really isn't all that hot, but was a model and even makes fun of himself about this fact. But none of that matters. He's hysterical. He is out there weird, but not so out there that he's on another planet. He likes weird things. His mom's a politician. Does he care about that and stop himself from acting weird and making fun of politics? No, no he does not. He's the kind of weird I can totally deal with.
Old guys? Hey, some of them are hot. I'm not talking about the kind of guys Anna Nicole Smith liked. Okay, you guys, that was a low blow. I don't actually have anything against the poor woman, may her soul rest in peace. Anyway, I'm talking about the forties crowd. There are some seriously hot guys in the forties crowd. Shemar Moore? He's hot. George Eads? He's pretty hot, too. Do I usually like guys my own age, though? No, they're too immature. I'd take an older guy before I'd take a guy my age. Sorry, Mom. Actually, I feel like this whole blog is going to be one big sorry, Mom. Sorry, Aunt Bev. I feel like a Chuck Palahniuk novel.
No, we're not even going to get into books. I think you've all got the picture.
So that you all can fully understand me, let me just tell you that I come from a very small place in Pennsylvania. It is so small, in fact, that it's not even a town. There is no town anywhere in site. The "Municipal Building" is so small that if you even think about blinking, you miss it.
What we do have is a lot of land, not a ton of houses, a fifteen minute drive to anywhere that carries actual food, and a less than one mile strip of road with a bunch of fast food restaurants that serves as a place for travelers to stop over and get food during their journey. We have a UPS, a FedEx, state police barracks, and a place for truckers to park their trucks for the night. We have a boatload of hotels in a one mile radius, more than you see near freaking Disney World. As of last year, we have two whole red lights. And do you know what we do at them? We sit, because there's not enough traffic to need them and they aren't motion activated. They're on a timer. Good thinking there, PennDot. Love your logic.
What I'm saying here is that not only am I every cliche, so is the place I live. Let me not forget to mention that if you travel ten or fifteen minutes in any direction you come across the following:
Rednecks
Hicks (Yes, these are two different things. You learn this living here.)
Gangstas
Drug Dealers
White Guys Who Think They're Gangstas (There's more of these than I'd like to discuss.)
Snooty People
Snooty People Who Pretend Their Rich and Aren't
Super Rich People Who Fail At Pretending They're Not Snooty
Super Rich People Who Are Proud to Be Snooty
A High Population of Single Moms Under 20
A High Population of Loser Men Who Sleep With Anything
Lots of Grown Men Who Live With Their Moms
Hard Working Farmers
People Who Realize They're Not Rich Or Rednecks and Wonder WTF They're Doing Living Here
I could go on, but I feel you get the picture. If you don't, I encourage you to come visit me. Where I live is a lot of things. None of them go together. Kind of like me. I am the latter of all the things I've listed above, which makes the fact that I found myself watching a block of redneck comedy all the more hilarious. In all fairness, my mom started watching it and I couldn't stop laughing, so after she went to bed I left it on. Now I'm usually not a fan of redneck comedy, but let me tell you what, I haven't laughed so hard in my life. Does this make me a redneck? Don't answer that.
Don't get me wrong, I've always liked Bill Engvall. My only concern with him is that he doesn't have enough proverbial signs to give out to everyone that truly needs one. Oh, and they're proverbial. I think someone should help him with this.
Larry the Cable Guy is automatically in because he voiced Mater in Cars. Who doesn't love the fact that Mater has his own short on Disney channel in which he says "you was there," in every single one? I hate bad grammar, but if his grammar was correct, I would find myself severely disappointed.
Then there's Jeff Foxworthy. Somehow this man truly understands how ridiculous Pennsylvania is and has shared it with the world. This is an instant win for him.
Tonight I saw the last two in their own comedy stand up hours and I would like to share the top three highlights from both shows combined. This probably won't come across funny at all in a blog, but I'm doing it anyway. And because I feel like I must say this, no copyright infringement is intended, and I'm sure this isn't verbatim and they're far funnier.
Larry the Cable Guy, take it away:
"Last year I was so fat that I was going to change my name to Larry the Cable Car."
A little later.
"I lost fifty pounds in the last year. Fifty pounds. That's a lot of weight. That's a whole Olsen twin."
Listen, I like the Olsen girls, but that was still funny.
Jeff Foxworthy, your turn. You're following up Larry just as you did on that there TV:
"Tonight I'm wearing boots made out of stingrays. STINGRAYS! This is why you can't give rednecks money. Do we open up a savings account? HECK NO! We go and buy ourselves boots made from stingrays. I was in a casino the other day and some guy came up to me and said, "those are some boots." I said, "yeah, they're made from stingrays." He asked me if they were waterproof. I told him "No, these suckers drowned. That's how I gone got them."
"If you pay a lot of money for sunglasses, you will lose those things faster than pizzas at a weight watchers convention. If you buy a pair of cheapos, you won't be able to get rid of them no matter what you do. I swear if you were on a cruise and were looking over the railing into the ocean and they fell off, a scuba diver would instantly appear holding them up in the air and yelling 'DID SOMEONE LOSE A PAIR OF CHEAPOS?!' Speaking of losing things, I am constantly losing cassette cases. I have 500 cassettes and three cases. Whoever is stealing my expensive sunglasses and my cassette cases is leaving me keys. I have keys to things I haven't even owned. If you put all the keys I have together, I could be a janitor TONIGHT."
I will never not watch these two ever again.
This would be okay if we were talking the good kind of eclectic. Most people are eclectic because of the things they collect, or the unusual pieces they place around their home and the way they decorate. I am eclectic because there's really nothing I can't find a way to like in my own really weird way. This makes me hard to figure out and most people can't deal with that. I, however, think this is super and like to think of myself a as an evil genius of confusion and what not. For those who get me, I'm a lot of fun. For those who don't, I am probably the weirdest person in the history of the world. This is why I love my friends so much. And really, if you're cracking yourself up and are nice, isn't that all that matters?
I think it is.
However, I would still like to tell you all about my eclecticism. I'm completely sure that at least one of my entire five readers is going to run away from me, and then realize if they read the blog, they already know me, and then come back and befriend me again. This is how my friends are; they're as weird as me. Oh, come on my wonderful friends, you already knew this.
When you think of television shows / movies that you like to watch, this becomes a pretty clear cut and dry thing, correct? You have genres you like and ones you don't. That's normal. That's why that's not me, obviously.
For example, some of my favorite television shows include the likes of Criminal Minds and CSI (the original only.) This doesn't seem too odd. Both are in the same category. Then let's add that I love Gilmore Girls. I know it's not on the air anymore, but it's still one of my favorites. Thanks to my mom, I own all seven seasons. No really, thank you mommy!
Anywhomaburger, I successfully went from loving shows about crime analysis, psychopathic analysis, and ultimately death and the capture of those who cause it, to liking a super girlie show about a single mother and daughter. Still, you can get over this. Let's now ad that I'm gaga over Supernatural. Yeah, this is where the wait, what factor comes in. Oh, and did I mention I don't really care for anything in the horror genre?
If that wasn't enough, I'm a gigantic fan of Wizards of Waverly Place, Phineas and Ferb and Hannah Montana. (Leave Miley alone. I eat mean people for breakfast.) I also appreciate most other Disney shows, and can find myself entertained for hours at the adult humor that is put into them. Ah, to have known as a kid what I know. My innocence would have been lost.
Then there's the reality shows. Oh god, there's the reality shows. I'm not huge on them, but somehow I just watch them anyway. And not just one or two, oh no. Let me give you the short version of the ones I most commonly find myself friends with. I adore Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Khloe really makes the show for me. I feel like if I knew her, we'd be besties. Gene Simmons Family Jewels? I am so there. Kirstie Alley's Big Life? Why not? The Millionaire Matchmaker? Of course. It has dysfunctional men with money in it, and woman who won't take their shit. The Bad Girls Club? Who doesn't love a bunch of loud mouth bitches who would scare the living daylights out of me, therefore causing me to pee my pants and give them all my money when all they were trying to do was say hi? The Puppy Bowl? Heck yes! House Hunters? I love seeing inside people's houses, even if it is on television, and definitely as long and its not in a creepy way. My personal fav. is Pretty Wild. Don't ask me why, but I'm beyond addicted.
Late at night, though, is where things get dicey. Nothing is on after two in the morning, right? WRONG? You just have to have my mind. I flip through the channels and find the most bizarre description of a television show or movie that I possibly can and I watch that. Even if it's a horror movie, which is something I'm not usually a fan of, even though it takes a lot to scare me, I will watch it. Heck, this is how I found Gene Simmons Family Jewels. My favorite, however, still stands with the following description: "After a sex change, a serial killer returns as a camp counselor to the camp she terrorized years earlier." Was this movie as ridiculous as it sounds? It was an 80's horror movie, so you tell me. Was I laughing hysterical the entire time and consider this the best two hours of early morning television ever? You betcha.
Let's talk music. I will listen to pretty much anything at all. When I went to have my MRIs done I was asked what kind of music I wanted to listen to. I told the guy to surprise me. He did. I love seventies rock, when music was music, but then I'm quite fond of Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood and Kellie Pickler. Oh, and Sugarland. I can listen to My Chemical Romance and then switch to Selena Gomez and go right back into A Fine Frenzy. Mandy Moore? Check. Rachel Yamagata? Check. Paramore? She and Him? Orianthi? check, check and check. This isn't weird to me, but I have realized when riding in the car with friends, just how odd this actually is. And don't think I don't sing to all these songs, no matter what they are, in an absolutely ridiculous operatic voice. If there's no words, I make them up.
I also find myself not a huge fan of rap music, or really heavy all computer generated techno and pop music. Actually, I'm not a huge fan of pop despite the whole Selena Gomez thing. She's just awesome. Some pop is okay, but when there's not a real instrument to be found in the album, not so much. If you give me a decent pop song with a nice steady rap in it, I am so there and jamming to it. I don't get it either.
Last we shall discuss guys. Ah, guys. I like discussing guys. Now for the sake of this blog, we will discuss famous guys only, because if I start talking about guys I know in real life that I particularly adore, this will get us nowhere. Most of the people reading this blog don't know each other, so they won't know who the heck I'm talking about, therefore voiding the whole point of talking about guys.
Let's start with guys I'm really not into. Conventionally hot guys that appear in magazines and on billboards. You know, models. Especially those ones for places like Holister. Psst. Not for me. But Jensen Ackles who used to be a model? He's so for me. Any man that can do this is awesome in my book. That hot guy from that television show everyone watches? Not for me.
Do I like normal guys? No. Do I like guys with lots of personality? Yes, but only if they're non popular super nerds underneath it all. Best example; I totally adore Matthew Gray Gubler. He is one weird little dude who really isn't all that hot, but was a model and even makes fun of himself about this fact. But none of that matters. He's hysterical. He is out there weird, but not so out there that he's on another planet. He likes weird things. His mom's a politician. Does he care about that and stop himself from acting weird and making fun of politics? No, no he does not. He's the kind of weird I can totally deal with.
Old guys? Hey, some of them are hot. I'm not talking about the kind of guys Anna Nicole Smith liked. Okay, you guys, that was a low blow. I don't actually have anything against the poor woman, may her soul rest in peace. Anyway, I'm talking about the forties crowd. There are some seriously hot guys in the forties crowd. Shemar Moore? He's hot. George Eads? He's pretty hot, too. Do I usually like guys my own age, though? No, they're too immature. I'd take an older guy before I'd take a guy my age. Sorry, Mom. Actually, I feel like this whole blog is going to be one big sorry, Mom. Sorry, Aunt Bev. I feel like a Chuck Palahniuk novel.
No, we're not even going to get into books. I think you've all got the picture.
So that you all can fully understand me, let me just tell you that I come from a very small place in Pennsylvania. It is so small, in fact, that it's not even a town. There is no town anywhere in site. The "Municipal Building" is so small that if you even think about blinking, you miss it.
What we do have is a lot of land, not a ton of houses, a fifteen minute drive to anywhere that carries actual food, and a less than one mile strip of road with a bunch of fast food restaurants that serves as a place for travelers to stop over and get food during their journey. We have a UPS, a FedEx, state police barracks, and a place for truckers to park their trucks for the night. We have a boatload of hotels in a one mile radius, more than you see near freaking Disney World. As of last year, we have two whole red lights. And do you know what we do at them? We sit, because there's not enough traffic to need them and they aren't motion activated. They're on a timer. Good thinking there, PennDot. Love your logic.
What I'm saying here is that not only am I every cliche, so is the place I live. Let me not forget to mention that if you travel ten or fifteen minutes in any direction you come across the following:
Rednecks
Hicks (Yes, these are two different things. You learn this living here.)
Gangstas
Drug Dealers
White Guys Who Think They're Gangstas (There's more of these than I'd like to discuss.)
Snooty People
Snooty People Who Pretend Their Rich and Aren't
Super Rich People Who Fail At Pretending They're Not Snooty
Super Rich People Who Are Proud to Be Snooty
A High Population of Single Moms Under 20
A High Population of Loser Men Who Sleep With Anything
Lots of Grown Men Who Live With Their Moms
Hard Working Farmers
People Who Realize They're Not Rich Or Rednecks and Wonder WTF They're Doing Living Here
I could go on, but I feel you get the picture. If you don't, I encourage you to come visit me. Where I live is a lot of things. None of them go together. Kind of like me. I am the latter of all the things I've listed above, which makes the fact that I found myself watching a block of redneck comedy all the more hilarious. In all fairness, my mom started watching it and I couldn't stop laughing, so after she went to bed I left it on. Now I'm usually not a fan of redneck comedy, but let me tell you what, I haven't laughed so hard in my life. Does this make me a redneck? Don't answer that.
Don't get me wrong, I've always liked Bill Engvall. My only concern with him is that he doesn't have enough proverbial signs to give out to everyone that truly needs one. Oh, and they're proverbial. I think someone should help him with this.
Larry the Cable Guy is automatically in because he voiced Mater in Cars. Who doesn't love the fact that Mater has his own short on Disney channel in which he says "you was there," in every single one? I hate bad grammar, but if his grammar was correct, I would find myself severely disappointed.
Then there's Jeff Foxworthy. Somehow this man truly understands how ridiculous Pennsylvania is and has shared it with the world. This is an instant win for him.
Tonight I saw the last two in their own comedy stand up hours and I would like to share the top three highlights from both shows combined. This probably won't come across funny at all in a blog, but I'm doing it anyway. And because I feel like I must say this, no copyright infringement is intended, and I'm sure this isn't verbatim and they're far funnier.
Larry the Cable Guy, take it away:
"Last year I was so fat that I was going to change my name to Larry the Cable Car."
A little later.
"I lost fifty pounds in the last year. Fifty pounds. That's a lot of weight. That's a whole Olsen twin."
Listen, I like the Olsen girls, but that was still funny.
Jeff Foxworthy, your turn. You're following up Larry just as you did on that there TV:
"Tonight I'm wearing boots made out of stingrays. STINGRAYS! This is why you can't give rednecks money. Do we open up a savings account? HECK NO! We go and buy ourselves boots made from stingrays. I was in a casino the other day and some guy came up to me and said, "those are some boots." I said, "yeah, they're made from stingrays." He asked me if they were waterproof. I told him "No, these suckers drowned. That's how I gone got them."
"If you pay a lot of money for sunglasses, you will lose those things faster than pizzas at a weight watchers convention. If you buy a pair of cheapos, you won't be able to get rid of them no matter what you do. I swear if you were on a cruise and were looking over the railing into the ocean and they fell off, a scuba diver would instantly appear holding them up in the air and yelling 'DID SOMEONE LOSE A PAIR OF CHEAPOS?!' Speaking of losing things, I am constantly losing cassette cases. I have 500 cassettes and three cases. Whoever is stealing my expensive sunglasses and my cassette cases is leaving me keys. I have keys to things I haven't even owned. If you put all the keys I have together, I could be a janitor TONIGHT."
I will never not watch these two ever again.
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