Dear Cassadee - Part 1

Last year on my blog, I waned over pieces of a story that ended in my blog sounding like an advice column for the lonely and heartbroken. I promised that one day I would tell you all the story of what happened, since it seems I didn’t really tell anyone. It took me a long time to come with terms and make sense of what went on, but finally I’ve been able to and the story has come full circle, so I feel now would be the time that, with an open heart, I can convey to you what all my mysterious parts of puzzle pieces were about.

This is a story that obviously has two sides, since I wasn’t in this alone. I will tell you the story from the most objective point of view possible. To tell you my story, I have to tell you someone else’s at the same time. In order to keep the identity of this person private, I’m not going to mention any names. They will simply be referred to as “Friend.” I know this sounds ominous, but I promise that it’s not. I’m not going to get into the entire debacle of a mess that was made over the past three years, but instead tell the story without making it into a novel, giving you the best liner notes possible without prying too much. This is a post of no excuses and no reasons given for what happened. It just is.

Several years ago I got myself a job at the local electronics store. As it turned out, I was the only girl working on the sales floor. At this time, I was extremely insecure with myself and couldn’t even bring myself to talk to boys, so this was a new challenge for me that I was both scared, but interested in taking on since I was dying to grow as a person. I will be the first to admit that my issues with men stem from my father leaving, and from the treatment he gave me when he was around, but that is another story for another time and place.

Naturally, I was forced to settle in and became less shy with men as time went on, but I found myself still very clueless and vulnerable. I also found myself wanting to explore relationships with men that required being more than just friends. I was twenty at the time and had never had that opportunity. Part of this was because I was shy around men, and the other part was because I was home schooled due to illness through high school, and lacked the interaction I needed.

I met a boy at work who I knew was all wrong for me, but I was always encouraged to date “for experience.” This obviously didn’t go well because I wasn’t that interested in this person, but while dating them I met Friend. Friend was a genuinely sweet guy, who, at the time, had a girlfriend and was going to school to be a psychologist. Little did I know, Friend was about to make a big impact on my life in the most unusual of ways.

After my “relationship” with the guy I wasn’t really interested in, this left me more confused than ever about the world of dating. Friend spent two hours sitting in the car with me after work just talking out my fears and hesitations, and helping me try to make sense of things. You have to understand that this was the first time I had actually held any kind of conversation with Friend, and the first time we’d ever been alone to talk. The fact that he offered to sit and talk with me the way he did said leaps and bounds about the kind of person he was. I decided then and there that I must have this person as a permanent Friend.

A few months went by and we saw each other at work only, but talked all the time, both when we had a chance to at work, and online. In the mean time I had begun to date another guy I wasn’t interested in, only this time it ended even more disastrous. Friend was there.

While the whirlwind of bad relationships, and the fact that I was dating people like my father without realizing it, were setting in, I left my job in search of a new one because I realized the guys I was meeting and were dating there were very toxic. I also realized that the company was poorly ran and difficult to work for. For just over minimum wage, it simply wasn’t worth it.

Friend and I kept in touch no matter what. Friend had expressed his interest in me several times, but would never cheat on his girlfriend, and I would never get involved in anything like that. Truth be told, I saw this person as only a friend, possibly because he had always had the same girlfriend since I knew him, and nothing more. So when he and his girlfriend broke up and things started to develop between us, I wasn’t just surprised, I was scared to death.

This was a person who had gotten me through the worst of times. This person knew everything I hid from everyone else. I trusted this person more than I had ever trusted anyone before. I didn’t want to do anything to mess that up. I had feelings for him I didn’t even know about, but also didn’t know what I was feeling at the same time. No one had looked at me the way he did, and when he said things, I truly knew he meant them. I knew I would be in good hands with him and he’d take nothing but the best care of me. I was unsure, which caused me to be scared. This caused a lot of problems for the both of us.

Before I knew it, we were messing up things all over the place and then walking away from each other, only to come back every six months or so and do it again. Either I wasn’t ready, or he wasn’t ready. This had become a pattern for us, one that I didn’t like but had gotten used to. Just when I thought we had nothing figured out, I realized I was wrong and we had less than nothing figured out, because tragedy struck and absolutely everything changed in every way possible.

Between October and May of 2008 - 2009, I grew up a lot. I realized what my problems were with the men I was picking, and why I was picking them. I had learned to express myself and stand up for myself. I had pulled myself together and found out truly who I was and I was settled into that. The next time Friend came around, I would have it all figured out. I would know what to tell him. Only he told me one worse.

In this time, Friend had gone through a lot which led up to him being in a car accident. This then led him to do several things which I won’t elaborate on, but I was scared for his life. He said he wanted help, so I invited him over to help him find someone to provide the help I so obviously couldn't. The person who showed up at my door was not Friend. They were indeed someone I didn’t know and Friend was gone. I didn’t even know how to react. I felt helpless.

When I told Friend I needed to talk to him and he ignored it, every time I saw him only pretending like he had no idea I had asked to speak with him about something, I knew there wasn't a trace of him left. This was the boy that I spoke to about everything, and who had always dropped everything to listen to me. He spoiled me, I realize, but I had always thought I had done an okay job of having this be a two way thing. Now that was shattered.

Just as I figured out how I really felt for him, that I was in love with him and had been too afraid to admit it, Friend was gone and I was chasing a ghost; a shell that was his, but a spirit that belonged to someone else. I tried to help him, I wanted to, but when he told me in so many words that beer was more important than me, I knew he would never be the same person again. By holding on, I was slowly going to drag myself into a deep depression that I didn’t know if I could get out of. The only option I had to save myself was to let go.

I didn’t handle this correctly. I was rude to Friend next time I saw him. I immediately felt bad and wrote him a letter explaining everything. It was a good letter, one of which I still have, but I never had the guts to give it to him. I knew I had to walk away, and to this day I know I did the right thing, but I also knew that I should have explained things to him. He didn’t deserve the way that I walked away and it bothered me.

However, it was put on the back burner as I went through a hurricane of emotions that ranged from extreme hurt, to awful anger and back again. I was in such disbelief about being in love with someone’s memory, that I couldn’t process anything, so I stopped thinking about it out of force and tried to rebuild everything.

It took me a long time, but more recently I came to terms with the entire situation. That’s when I sincerely started to worry about Friend, and if he was even still alive. I wondered what he was up to if he was, and how he was making out. At first I pushed it away, but then it gnawed at me until I couldn’t take it anymore. It took me awhile, but I finally got the guts to track friend down. I found him on Facebook, friended him, and then proceeded to write him a letter apologizing for the way I had walked away from him. He deserved this apology.

I quite honestly expected to hear nothing back, but I was suddenly completely okay with this. I realized that I had let go of him in so many ways, even though the way I felt for him would always exist. I wasn’t hurting over the situation anymore. What did hurt was how I handled things. I carried this guilt with me, and just being able to apologize that I let my own fears and pride get in the way was enough to lift a weight off of my shoulders that was bigger than I knew I was carrying. I apologized because he deserved it, and I forced myself to let my guard down and be vulnerable because I had to. I didn't do this because I wanted something out of Rriend, or expected anything, but because I needed to do this. He deserved an apology.

Friend did reply to me, and today we got to talking about some things. I have no expectations going into this, but I know that the relationship we had in the past just can not continue. It doesn’t matter if we become friends again, or if we just talk here and there. As long as I know he’s okay, I’m okay. In loving someone, you realize that once all the anger and the madness clears, the only thing that matters, if you really did love them, is that they’re okay. If you could move heaven and earth, you’d want them to be happy, but happiness is up to them and ultimately what they choose to accept. You have no control over them, or the situation. All you can do is be the best person you can be and have faith that things will work out how they are supposed to.

This is where I’m going to sound like an advice column in. I think the things I’ve learned and carried with me over the last year are important to notate here. If my own story can help at least one person go through a tough time, that’s all that will matter to me.

1. Everyone is scared, and no one likes to be vulnerable. If you really care for the person you will be able to push those fears out of the way and stop blaming the other person. You will be able to stop looking for reasons as to why things went the way they did, and stop making excuses. It won’t be today or tomorrow. It may not even be a year from now, but one day you will. It’s how you handle it once you’ve learned to drop your defenses that makes you who you are inside.

2. They always say anger is just masked hurt feelings. I’ve heard people call bull crap on this one, but I can honestly say that’s exactly what anger is. What happens in your past does effect your future, and it can find a way to drag behind you like a ball and chain until you shut yourself down. You can’t do that. Sometimes you have to break the chain and not let it overtake you.

3. Sometimes we spend our lives being the kind of person that we want someone to see us as. We bring parts and pieces of ourselves into this equation, but we never really bring our full selves. That’s when you realize that you haven’t accepted truly who you are. As an adult, you will always like things you liked when you were eight and that is totally okay. Don’t be embarrassed by that. Let your soul sing to whatever tune it wants, and if someone else hears it as out of key, that’s not the right person for you. Only showing them what you want to show them of yourself is not going to get you anywhere but in the arms of the wrong person. It will never be fair to you or them if you let that happen.

4. It is okay and acceptable to go back and apologize to someone almost a year after the fact, as long as you’re doing it for the right reasons. If you do it for self gratification and not because you really mean what you say, you’re only going to dig yourself into a deeper hole. Apologize because you want to and because the person truly deserves it. Don’t apologize because you think you have to.

5. When someone falls into a hole and refuses your help, keep pushing. If they begin to tear a hole in your heart, sometimes you have to walk away and there’s nothing wrong with that. Just make sure that when you do, you let them know why. Don’t antagonize them or badger them. Don’t make them out to be a bad person. Simply tell them that what they are doing to themselves hurts you too badly to sit around and watch them continue to do it. You would be happy to stay if they would just accept help from you and take a leap of faith, but if they have no will to change, you will not stand by and watch them hurt or kill themselves because that is not fair to you. It is not fair to them either, and you think a lot more of them that what they think about themselves. You just want them to see themselves the way that you do. Tell them you will always be there for them if they get in a bind, or really do decide they want to break the habit that even they know is wrong and is going to kill them, but until then you can not sit around while they continue to push you away harder everyday. Tell them that you’re not walking because you don’t care, but for the opposite reason. You love them.

6. Take the time and experience and use it to learn and grow. Time isn’t judgmental and you can borrow as much as you want without having to explain to anyone. Figure out why you do what you do and what makes you tick. Break yourself down and, instead of justifying things, be honest with yourself. This will get you further than pushing the situation out of your mind will, and you will ultimately be a happier person at the end of the day.

7. We all do things for a reason, even the smallest ones. If there’s something you’re doing or have done that you don’t like, take the time to figure out why. Don’t make excuses or blame others, but find what it is inside of yourself that allows you to justify these decisions to yourself even when you know you are wrong. Don’t be afraid to push through it, and don’t let your selfish pride get in the way. This is the hardest thing to do and you will cry, because usually at the end of the gray brick road, are fears and hurt. On the other side, there’s a yellow brick road, and if you’re lucky, you may just see a dancing munchkin or two who have not been squished by Dorothy’s house or been put in harm’s way by The Wicked Witch of the West. You’re protector will be Glenda the Good Witch.

8. Don’t have expectations when reentering a situation. If you do, no matter how small they are, they will always be crushed. Go into the situation unbiased and take what you get out of it. You could get the best outcome possible, or you could get the worst. You could even get the best, but then find out the worst about the person later, or about yourself. You have to be prepared for this.

9. When apologizing to someone, be prepared for anything they could possibly ever ask you, and be ready to answer honestly. If you are not at a place where you can answer any question, no matter how personal, that they have pertaining to the situation, you are not ready to deal with it. It’s okay. Take more time. If you go into the situation and end up just lying to them, or shutting down when they ask what you don’t want to answer because you’re not ready, you’re going to lose your chance to truly give them the apology that you want to, and you most likely won’t get another. You're short changing yourself and that person.

10. Listen to music, any music you want. Don’t stick to a genre, or even certain types of lyrics. Just listen to what you feel. And rock out to it, too. The more you rock out, the louder you sing and the more off key you are, the better, because, at the end of the it all, you will feel insane, free and a billion times better, even if it is just for a little while.

Here are some songs I suggest for any emotion:

Best Days of Your Life by Kellie Pickler and Taylor Swift - No matter what genre of music you listen to, everyone is going to have that time in their life when they meet someone, and then easily realize after it’s all said and done, that you were with the wrong person. Being as such, you actually feel bad for the person, because they treated you like junk, realized you were the one, and then wanted you back when you’re not interested. The lyrics in this song tell them to take a hike in a very girl empowering way. The music video tells them to take a hike in a completely different way.

Carry On Wayward Son by Kansas - Everyone needs a little seventies rock in their life. Everyone needs to rock out. Everyone knows someone who went wayward at one time or another, or lost someone and wanted to see them at peace. This song has it all.

Party In the USA by Miley Cyrus - Look, don’t stone me for this. Whether you like Miley or not, this is a damn catch and super cheesy song. There’s no way you can’t smile your emotions out if you just try to dance to it. Even if you’re making fun of her while you’re doing it, making fun of people is ultimately having fun, so this works for all angles.

Janie’s Got a Gun by Aerosmith - This is one of those songs that makes me smile because of the personal story that goes behind it, thus why I shall share the story with you. I once had a friend named Jaynee who was strong willed and overall the opposite of my chicken-shitness. When she would get angry with someone, she would just very subtly start singing this song. She's 5'2 and a skinny-minnie. People backed off. Picture this and tell me that it doesn’t make you smile.

Say Goodbye by Ashlee Simpson - When you listen to the lyrics closely, this one is self explanatory. If you say you’ve never had to deal with a hard goodbye like this, you are lying. Whether it’s the loss of a friendship, or a loss in a more final way, everyone has had their heart broken and had to let go.

Starts With Goodbye by Carrie Underwood - “Sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye.”

Don’t Forget by Demi Lovato - Even in the darkest of situations, no matter the person, you never want them to forget you, or you wonder if they did when they simply turned the other cheek when you used to mean so much to them. This song expresses these emotions in a way that someone so young shouldn’t be able to.

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow by Carole King - This song plays on everyone’s insecurities when it comes to falling in love and how far to fall before catching yourself. This song is particularly catered to girls, but could work for men as well. Insecurities; we all have them. And yes, this is the lady who ran the music store on Gilmore Girls. I know at least one person is going to ask me that.

Your Star by Evanescence - The metaphors in this song for life and love can be interpreted in many ways, but all that matters is what this song means to you and how it makes you feel. With a haunting piano solo that leads into the music Evanescence became famous for, the instrumental alone will captivate you if Amy Lee’s vocals already haven't.

The Patron Saints of Liars and Fakes by Fall Out Boy - “When it all goes to hell will you be able to tell me sorry with a straight face?”

Borrowed Time by A Fine Frenzy - Melodically this song is appeasing, but it’s the lyrics that will really win you over. It tells a story of how you are not invincible and life is not infinite. What you do with your time, the delicate things you touch and what you let rub off on others matters. You only get once chance.

So Sick by Flyleaf - If you’re pissed and want to rock out with a woman who seriously rocks out, this is the song to go with. There’s girl screamo, there’s anger, there’s telling someone to STFU. It’s perfect. You can feel like an angsty teenager again, even if you aren’t one. If you are, you probably already know this song.

6 Months by Hey Monday - This tells a story of a girl who finds herself safe with someone when she never thought she could. The delicateness of this song, mixed with the heavy vocals and heartfelt emotion make you long for what she has. In longing, we often find the truth.

Happy by Hilary Duff - I know she’s not the most amazing vocalist, but don’t rule this song off of your playlist. It’s deceivingly dancey, but the lyrics tell a story of a girl who is dancing ultimately because she found what she needed inside of herself to break free of someone who used to mean everything in her life. The music expresses her feelings, while the words she sings tell a story of both heartbreak and uplift.

Stronger by Jennifer Love Hewitt - You can pick yourself back up. This story is about a girl who has been around, she’s seen a lot of things with men, and she’s made dumb decisions, but each one has made her stronger. She's the girl next door. It’s about empowering others to make decisions that will make them stronger, too, and learn and grow from every experience.

Be by Jessica Simpson - I think what gets me about this song is that it was written about Nick Lachey during their time of marriage. They are no longer married, obviously, but I think that gives this song more strength. She pours her emotions into this song about finally finding the one and does it with no regret. She put this out here for the world to hear and then her marriage ended. She did not lay down and die. She picked herself up again and is now looking for the person who will embody the meaning of this song for her again.

Long Shot by Katy Perry - I know you guys probably know the Kelly Clarkson version of this song, but Katy originally wrote and recorded it, and as far as I’m concerned, the Kelly version just doesn’t have the emotion that this one does. This song is about finding something inside of you that makes you fearless and taking the long shot in love. She is unafraid and brutally honest with herself about the situation, but she goes for it anyway.

Self Inflicted by Katy Perry - There’s always going to be that one person who you would drop everything for, and every single time you do it hurts, but you keep doing it and you keep inflicting your own wounds. You would continue to do it again and again.

Sick by Lillix - No matter what you do or how you change, sometimes you’re not going to be good enough for someone. That’s okay. Screw them. As long as you are happy with who you are, that’s enough. If they don’t understand you, walk away. If they seep under your skin, become stronger.

One of These Days by Michelle Branch - Something has always struck me romantic about this song, even if I can’t quite put my finger on what exactly it is.

I Don’t Love You by My Chemical Romance - Love hurts. It’s supposed to, but that doesn’t mean you won’t heal and feelings won’t continue to change. It’s part of life.

I will continue the rest of this list tomorrow since it is becoming longer than the actual story of this post itself. Just a quick question, should I start a Dear Cassadee part of this blog where you can write in with questions, stories or advice and I will objectively get back to you with hopefully what will be words of wisdom, or do we all think this is a bad idea?