I Have Keys to Things I Haven't Even Owned

I was always, without fail, the little geeky kid who was nice to everyone. When I was in school, I often wondered why I didn't have a lot of friends. I thought being nice got you everywhere. Now that I'm 24, I've finally figured out the answer to the grand scheme of things. I didn't have a lot of friends because I am the most eclectic person I know.

This would be okay if we were talking the good kind of eclectic. Most people are eclectic because of the things they collect, or the unusual pieces they place around their home and the way they decorate. I am eclectic because there's really nothing I can't find a way to like in my own really weird way. This makes me hard to figure out and most people can't deal with that. I, however, think this is super and like to think of myself a as an evil genius of confusion and what not. For those who get me, I'm a lot of fun. For those who don't, I am probably the weirdest person in the history of the world. This is why I love my friends so much. And really, if you're cracking yourself up and are nice, isn't that all that matters?

I think it is.

However, I would still like to tell you all about my eclecticism. I'm completely sure that at least one of my entire five readers is going to run away from me, and then realize if they read the blog, they already know me, and then come back and befriend me again. This is how my friends are; they're as weird as me. Oh, come on my wonderful friends, you already knew this.

When you think of television shows / movies that you like to watch, this becomes a pretty clear cut and dry thing, correct? You have genres you like and ones you don't. That's normal. That's why that's not me, obviously.

For example, some of my favorite television shows include the likes of Criminal Minds and CSI (the original only.) This doesn't seem too odd. Both are in the same category. Then let's add that I love Gilmore Girls. I know it's not on the air anymore, but it's still one of my favorites. Thanks to my mom, I own all seven seasons. No really, thank you mommy!

Anywhomaburger, I successfully went from loving shows about crime analysis, psychopathic analysis, and ultimately death and the capture of those who cause it, to liking a super girlie show about a single mother and daughter. Still, you can get over this. Let's now ad that I'm gaga over Supernatural. Yeah, this is where the wait, what factor comes in. Oh, and did I mention I don't really care for anything in the horror genre?

If that wasn't enough, I'm a gigantic fan of Wizards of Waverly Place, Phineas and Ferb and Hannah Montana. (Leave Miley alone. I eat mean people for breakfast.) I also appreciate most other Disney shows, and can find myself entertained for hours at the adult humor that is put into them. Ah, to have known as a kid what I know. My innocence would have been lost.

Then there's the reality shows. Oh god, there's the reality shows. I'm not huge on them, but somehow I just watch them anyway. And not just one or two, oh no. Let me give you the short version of the ones I most commonly find myself friends with. I adore Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Khloe really makes the show for me. I feel like if I knew her, we'd be besties. Gene Simmons Family Jewels? I am so there. Kirstie Alley's Big Life? Why not? The Millionaire Matchmaker? Of course. It has dysfunctional men with money in it, and woman who won't take their shit. The Bad Girls Club? Who doesn't love a bunch of loud mouth bitches who would scare the living daylights out of me, therefore causing me to pee my pants and give them all my money when all they were trying to do was say hi? The Puppy Bowl? Heck yes! House Hunters? I love seeing inside people's houses, even if it is on television, and definitely as long and its not in a creepy way. My personal fav. is Pretty Wild. Don't ask me why, but I'm beyond addicted.

Late at night, though, is where things get dicey. Nothing is on after two in the morning, right? WRONG? You just have to have my mind. I flip through the channels and find the most bizarre description of a television show or movie that I possibly can and I watch that. Even if it's a horror movie, which is something I'm not usually a fan of, even though it takes a lot to scare me, I will watch it. Heck, this is how I found Gene Simmons Family Jewels. My favorite, however, still stands with the following description: "After a sex change, a serial killer returns as a camp counselor to the camp she terrorized years earlier." Was this movie as ridiculous as it sounds? It was an 80's horror movie, so you tell me. Was I laughing hysterical the entire time and consider this the best two hours of early morning television ever? You betcha.

Let's talk music. I will listen to pretty much anything at all. When I went to have my MRIs done I was asked what kind of music I wanted to listen to. I told the guy to surprise me. He did. I love seventies rock, when music was music, but then I'm quite fond of Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood and Kellie Pickler. Oh, and Sugarland. I can listen to My Chemical Romance and then switch to Selena Gomez and go right back into A Fine Frenzy. Mandy Moore? Check. Rachel Yamagata? Check. Paramore? She and Him? Orianthi? check, check and check. This isn't weird to me, but I have realized when riding in the car with friends, just how odd this actually is. And don't think I don't sing to all these songs, no matter what they are, in an absolutely ridiculous operatic voice. If there's no words, I make them up.

I also find myself not a huge fan of rap music, or really heavy all computer generated techno and pop music. Actually, I'm not a huge fan of pop despite the whole Selena Gomez thing. She's just awesome. Some pop is okay, but when there's not a real instrument to be found in the album, not so much. If you give me a decent pop song with a nice steady rap in it, I am so there and jamming to it. I don't get it either.

Last we shall discuss guys. Ah, guys. I like discussing guys. Now for the sake of this blog, we will discuss famous guys only, because if I start talking about guys I know in real life that I particularly adore, this will get us nowhere. Most of the people reading this blog don't know each other, so they won't know who the heck I'm talking about, therefore voiding the whole point of talking about guys.

Let's start with guys I'm really not into. Conventionally hot guys that appear in magazines and on billboards. You know, models. Especially those ones for places like Holister. Psst. Not for me. But Jensen Ackles who used to be a model? He's so for me. Any man that can do this is awesome in my book. That hot guy from that television show everyone watches? Not for me.

Do I like normal guys? No. Do I like guys with lots of personality? Yes, but only if they're non popular super nerds underneath it all. Best example; I totally adore Matthew Gray Gubler. He is one weird little dude who really isn't all that hot, but was a model and even makes fun of himself about this fact. But none of that matters. He's hysterical. He is out there weird, but not so out there that he's on another planet. He likes weird things. His mom's a politician. Does he care about that and stop himself from acting weird and making fun of politics? No, no he does not. He's the kind of weird I can totally deal with.

Old guys? Hey, some of them are hot. I'm not talking about the kind of guys Anna Nicole Smith liked. Okay, you guys, that was a low blow. I don't actually have anything against the poor woman, may her soul rest in peace. Anyway, I'm talking about the forties crowd. There are some seriously hot guys in the forties crowd. Shemar Moore? He's hot. George Eads? He's pretty hot, too. Do I usually like guys my own age, though? No, they're too immature. I'd take an older guy before I'd take a guy my age. Sorry, Mom. Actually, I feel like this whole blog is going to be one big sorry, Mom. Sorry, Aunt Bev. I feel like a Chuck Palahniuk novel.

No, we're not even going to get into books. I think you've all got the picture.

So that you all can fully understand me, let me just tell you that I come from a very small place in Pennsylvania. It is so small, in fact, that it's not even a town. There is no town anywhere in site. The "Municipal Building" is so small that if you even think about blinking, you miss it.

What we do have is a lot of land, not a ton of houses, a fifteen minute drive to anywhere that carries actual food, and a less than one mile strip of road with a bunch of fast food restaurants that serves as a place for travelers to stop over and get food during their journey. We have a UPS, a FedEx, state police barracks, and a place for truckers to park their trucks for the night. We have a boatload of hotels in a one mile radius, more than you see near freaking Disney World. As of last year, we have two whole red lights. And do you know what we do at them? We sit, because there's not enough traffic to need them and they aren't motion activated. They're on a timer. Good thinking there, PennDot. Love your logic.

What I'm saying here is that not only am I every cliche, so is the place I live. Let me not forget to mention that if you travel ten or fifteen minutes in any direction you come across the following:
Rednecks
Hicks (Yes, these are two different things. You learn this living here.)
Gangstas
Drug Dealers
White Guys Who Think They're Gangstas (There's more of these than I'd like to discuss.)
Snooty People
Snooty People Who Pretend Their Rich and Aren't
Super Rich People Who Fail At Pretending They're Not Snooty
Super Rich People Who Are Proud to Be Snooty
A High Population of Single Moms Under 20
A High Population of Loser Men Who Sleep With Anything
Lots of Grown Men Who Live With Their Moms
Hard Working Farmers
People Who Realize They're Not Rich Or Rednecks and Wonder WTF They're Doing Living Here

I could go on, but I feel you get the picture. If you don't, I encourage you to come visit me. Where I live is a lot of things. None of them go together. Kind of like me. I am the latter of all the things I've listed above, which makes the fact that I found myself watching a block of redneck comedy all the more hilarious. In all fairness, my mom started watching it and I couldn't stop laughing, so after she went to bed I left it on. Now I'm usually not a fan of redneck comedy, but let me tell you what, I haven't laughed so hard in my life. Does this make me a redneck? Don't answer that.

Don't get me wrong, I've always liked Bill Engvall. My only concern with him is that he doesn't have enough proverbial signs to give out to everyone that truly needs one. Oh, and they're proverbial. I think someone should help him with this.

Larry the Cable Guy is automatically in because he voiced Mater in Cars. Who doesn't love the fact that Mater has his own short on Disney channel in which he says "you was there," in every single one? I hate bad grammar, but if his grammar was correct, I would find myself severely disappointed.

Then there's Jeff Foxworthy. Somehow this man truly understands how ridiculous Pennsylvania is and has shared it with the world. This is an instant win for him.

Tonight I saw the last two in their own comedy stand up hours and I would like to share the top three highlights from both shows combined. This probably won't come across funny at all in a blog, but I'm doing it anyway. And because I feel like I must say this, no copyright infringement is intended, and I'm sure this isn't verbatim and they're far funnier.

Larry the Cable Guy, take it away:
"Last year I was so fat that I was going to change my name to Larry the Cable Car."
A little later.
"I lost fifty pounds in the last year. Fifty pounds. That's a lot of weight. That's a whole Olsen twin."

Listen, I like the Olsen girls, but that was still funny.

Jeff Foxworthy, your turn. You're following up Larry just as you did on that there TV:
"Tonight I'm wearing boots made out of stingrays. STINGRAYS! This is why you can't give rednecks money. Do we open up a savings account? HECK NO! We go and buy ourselves boots made from stingrays. I was in a casino the other day and some guy came up to me and said, "those are some boots." I said, "yeah, they're made from stingrays." He asked me if they were waterproof. I told him "No, these suckers drowned. That's how I gone got them."

"If you pay a lot of money for sunglasses, you will lose those things faster than pizzas at a weight watchers convention. If you buy a pair of cheapos, you won't be able to get rid of them no matter what you do. I swear if you were on a cruise and were looking over the railing into the ocean and they fell off, a scuba diver would instantly appear holding them up in the air and yelling 'DID SOMEONE LOSE A PAIR OF CHEAPOS?!' Speaking of losing things, I am constantly losing cassette cases. I have 500 cassettes and three cases. Whoever is stealing my expensive sunglasses and my cassette cases is leaving me keys. I have keys to things I haven't even owned. If you put all the keys I have together, I could be a janitor TONIGHT."

I will never not watch these two ever again.