I'm Sorry, Christmas

When I decided to try and post every day until Christmas, I decided to do it in the spirit of Christmas. Obviously, I've been more of a Scrooge than anything. I know it's hard to believe, but I am a real life Elf. I love everything about Christmas. I sing Christmas songs all year around and annoy people, during the season I merrily sing along with them in stores, I love shopping, even with the crowds, I enjoy wrapping presents, I keep Christmas movies on an endless stream all month, when I see Santa I immediately react by going "SAAANNNTAAAA" just like in Elf, and the list goes on.

This year, I honestly just want the season to be over. I never understood how anyone could want or say that, but now I do, and I think when I realized that today, I realized I also needed to explain to you guys why I've been acting the way I have. I don't feel like what I've written over the last few weeks is anything like what you're used to. It's cynical, cranky and whiny at best and I hope you all know that's not the real me. Please give me a chance to explain why I've been a miserable bitch.

Last month, as I wrote about previously, I swelled up eight pounds over night, and that was bad enough. I had enough pain and what not from that to be miserable, but I got through it. Now, on top of this time of year, I'm going through testing to figure out what happened, and I still have more testing to go through when the season is over. I'm behind on Christmas because of that issue that laid me up for a few weeks last month, and it's really stressful to go through all these tests. It would have been stressful at any time of the year, but it's more of a hindrance at Christmas. I think you all know me well enough to know that normally I would keep my head up about this and handle it better. Right now, I just can't. And honestly, I'm not used to being this way either, but I know why I am.

Last month, I started a new medication to try and help with my blood disorder, which is extremely painful at times, and really painful on a regular basis. My body is super sensitive to medications, so we usually know right away if I can tolerate a medication or not, even if it's one that isn't supposed to work for several months. My body just reacts differently. The medication I was taking was the previously mentioned anti-malaria medication. It helps with blood disorders and various kinds of auto-immune disorders also, so even though mine is yet to be diagnosed, there was a lot of hope that it would help.

The medication did help. In fact, I felt an entire shift in my body. I didn't have the pain I was used to. I mostly had no pain at all. I wasn't having the dizzy spells, I wasn't feeling sick. For the first time in years I felt like a normal human being. I was getting up in the morning and going to bed at night. Being sick wasn't keeping me up. I wasn't tired when I was awake. I wasn't sleeping all the time. My mood changed and I felt like the person I was before I got sick; the person I had lost. A happier person. I had a ton of hope for where this was going and was extremely cheery about the whole thing.

Then I started having seizures. I've had little seizures before, that weren't diagnosed as actual seizures but reacted the same. But these were nothing like that. I was having full blown seizures lasting forty five minutes to an hour. When I had one, I tried to dismiss it as being the medication, even though I had a feeling that's what it was since it was the only thing that had changed. The one was nothing like the ones I used to have, and I hadn't had one in over year, so it was hard to dismiss it for that reason also. A few days later, I had another one. Then, I started having little ones exactly one hour after I'd take the medication. And then by the time the week was up, I had three really bad ones and seven little ones, and I knew I had to stop taking the medication.

Coming down from the medication, which is something I'm still doing a week and a half later, is one of the hardest things. The seizures stopped immediately and I haven't had one since. I've had a few times where I felt like I was going to, but no dice, which is great. But my body quickly went back to being in pain, only now the pain feels worse because, instead of just being used to having it, I didn't have it for a few weeks. Also, I can feel my whole body shifting and I just don't feel right. I know it takes around three months for medication to get out of your system, and I feel like I'm detoxing. I've been miserable and moody, and I can't think of any other reason for it. Apparently this medication does change the way your auto-immune system works, so I'm sure that's why I'm feeling this way, but it's hard. I wish I would have never taken it. I would have been better off.

On top of that, my pain medication was recalled because it was causing heart problems. I already have heart problems that I had prior to taking the medication, so it was imperative that I stopped it immediately. This would have been okay, except when I called my doctor to change the medication, I found out she was out for over two weeks for Christmas. So now I'm coming off of this medication, in a lot of pain, and I have nothing to take to help me with it, which is not helping the miserable factor.

You have to understand that I am not a person who cries a lot because I'm in pain. I cry because a movie is sappy, or I'm having a sappy moment. I'm one of those people. But I'm used to being in pain and I don't cry over it. I've been crying for over and hour tonight because I'm in that much pain. And the thing about crying because you're in pain as opposed to when you're crying because a movie is sad, here's looking at you, Deep Impact, is something you can't just turn off. It knows now bounds. As long as there's pain, it doesn't want to stop.

I also started having problems with my root canal tooth last month. I went to the dentist and he found no problem with it, but my gums were swollen. He told me to go to the doctor. I did, and she surmised that the swelling in my gums was due to the auto-immune disorder, which causes tissue to swell. Gums are nothing but tissue. The nerves to your teeth are pliable, but the piece they put in for the root canal is not, so it's very possible that when my gums swell that they're pinching because of that piece. Also, it took me a year and a half to get my root canal finished for various reasons, so it's very possible it has an infection we can't get out.

I could live with a little bit of pain. Then it got so bad that I couldn't stand it. There still seems to be no viable reason for it, but I want the tooth out. So Thursday I go to get the tooth out, and I honestly hope I don't flip shit by Thursday, because this sucker hurts. I'm just grateful they're getting me in before Christmas, because there's no way I could go the weekend. I was also having weird, all over mouth pain, but we realized that the medication I was taking was also causing that, because once I stopped it, I stopped having it. It's just the root canal tooth. I really didn't want to be without a tooth, but I've been through hell with this stupid root canal and I just want the tooth as far away from me as possible. I can't take it on top of everything else, so I'm just completely agitated.

Then our dryer died. My mom fixed it and it was happy for awhile and now it's just dead. We have a shit load of stuff that needs to be washed, and we can't dry it. There's just no way. Add that it's that time of the month for me and I'm bleeding through everything because my blood disorder makes the bleeding worse, and it just adds to the stress of the whole thing. Since it's Christmas, it's probably going to be a few weeks until we can get a dryer delivered, and we're wondering what the hell we're supposed to do until then. Our one cat has also decided to start peeing on things, and now we can wash it, but we can't dry it. So frustrating.

Also, thanks to the inheritance I got from my grandma, I was able to order one of those beds that you can sit straight up in, because I've been sleeping on the couch for three years. I can't lay down at all or I get really sick. I couldn't get comfortable against pillows in bed, so I just sleep sitting up on the couch. The bed was supposed to be here before Christmas. We were promised it would be. Apparently the local deliverers are just taking this week off, so now I won't have it for another week, which is fine, but I wish they would have been honest with us. I tore my old bed apart and now my room is a disaster area.

I would not have done this had I known I wasn't getting the bed this week. I know it sounds stupid, but I had stuff under my bed; containers of stuff. Now that's stacked in my room. My sheets and pillows are on the floor. And I also used my bed to lay out my clothes and stuff, because, with being in pain like I am, I can't bend down and actually get back up again. I have nowhere to lay my clothes, or any other stuff I just need to set down for a moment and I'm just frustrated.

I know I'm doing a lot of complaining in trying to explain why I've been so cranky. I'm not looking for sympathy. This blog is the place I go to vent. It's my therapy, so that's why you all have been getting hit with this. And I'm sorry, because I feel like I'm letting everyone down right now. And I also know I'm blaming the season. But if it wasn't for the season we'd have a dryer delivered sooner, I'd have my bed, I'd have my pain medication because my doctor would be in, and I would have gotten in sooner with my dentist. So yes, I'm cranky toward Christmas, but it isn't Christmas' fault. I'm sorry, Christmas.