Really Special Advice. Special, I Tell You.

There’s a few things I’ve learned in life that will never be important. Therefore, I thought I’d share them with you.

* People will always, always, confuse me. I could be ninety, and I will still be completely confused by the things people do. I’m more confused about people in general than most men are about women. Scary, I know.

For example, Russell Brand recently posted a picture of his lovely wife, Katy Perry, without makeup on. Apparently, Katy was none to happy about that. So, wait, back that up, because it seems to me that you’re okay with making this completely non suitable for work or children picture your album cover, and a huge part of your California Girls music video, but you’re not comfortable with us seeing your face naked? Shut the front door!

* If a telemarketer calls you and you argue with them, they will always call you back and be more rude each time they do, not caring that you’re on the do not call list. If they call and you’re super sweet to them, wait for the right moment, just post them asking you a question, say something completely random such as, “I got new socks and I’m wearing them.” They will hang up on you. If they don’t, there will be a long enough silence while they think of something to say for you to hang up on them without being rude. They will never, under any circumstances, call you back.

However, there is one exception to this. If you happen to say that you got new socks and you’re wearing them to someone who actually did get new socks and is wearing them, you will end up in a long, drawn out conversation about socks, lying out of your ass. The person still won’t continue to try to sell you something. In fact, they’ll get so caught up in the conversation that they’ll hang up when the sock conversation is over, just as if they were finished with a conversation with their best friend. They also will not call back.

In case you find yourself in this situation, here are my top thirteen things to say to scare a telemarketer away, and even make them hang up on you, other than the sock comment. Only a small majority are actually appropriate, so you make the judgment call on how annoying said telemarketer is.

1. “Do you like cats? I like cats. I have thirty cats and I make dresses for cats. That’s how I make my living, and I was wondering if you wanted to buy a dress for a cat...” *Click*

2. “Ima let you get back to your telemarketing in a minute, but I just want to let you know that *competitor’s company* has the best *service or product offered* of all time.” *Click*

3. “Hold one a second.” *To someone else who may or may not really be there.* “No, baby, don’t turn the camera off. I’ll be right back in one minute and we can finish shooting *obscure porno name here.*” *Click*

4. “I will buy anything from you if you just take me to your leader! I lost my leader! He was a wonderful man with thirteen wives, but all of a sudden the law started after him and he just up and left. Do you believe that?” *Click*

5. “Your voice sounds sexy. Will you be my baby daddy? I’m going for lucky number thirteen.” *Click*

6. *To someone who isn’t there.* “No! Y’all can’t arrest me now! This man / woman is trying to sell me something and I want it!” *Click*

7. “I’m very interested, but hang on one second. These drugs ain’t gonna sell themselves.” *Click*

8. “Nah, I’m saving up to get new teeth. I only have myself two left.” *Click*

9. “Hold on.” *Yelling to someone who I hope isn’t there.* “I said sodomy, not satanism. Are you deaf?” *Click*

10. “Say, that sounds good and all, but will it help me hide the bodies? Err...I mean body.” *Click*

11. *Crying* “I still miss Michael Jackson. Will this bring him back to life?” *Click*

12. *Repeating over and over.* “Ooh, shiny.” *Click*

13. "My parole officer says I ain't allowed to buy no shit from you scam artists. Scams make me angry, very angry. If I stab someone again, I'll violate my parole." *Wait for their silence.* "Err..I mean, I didn't stab no one, Bitch!" *Click*

* If you are a woman, it’s really true, people will try to take advantage of you. You know, contractors and the like. The one that really gets me is helplines. They assume because you’re a woman they can give you some technical jargon and you’ll not understand it. Always know your technical jargon. I’ve been transferred more times to someone who did actually help me, because I knew my technical jargon and embarrassed the jackass on the other end of the phone, than I can count.

* Along the lines of the prior, I’ve found a way around that condescending, moronic tone you will surely get if you’re forced to call a 1-800 number. A legit one, you guys, a legit one. If you sound too young, said person on the other end of the phone will immediately treat you like you’re stupid. If you sound too old, they’ll talk really loud and slowly, and then tell you a bunch of stuff you already know. If you sound like you’re somewhere in between they will automatically gloss over everything and assume you’re big and old enough to figure it out yourself...because that’s totally why you called their helpline; because you can figure it out yourself.

However, there is a trick to surpassing all of this. It took me years to figure it out, so I shall share it with you all now. If you use a sweet, little, southern voice, no matter if it be a man or a woman that you are talking to, you will always get the help you’re looking for. Apparently the old adage is true, everyone does love sweet, little, southern girls. If you can fake it, it will get you somewhere. Sad, but true. Now go out there and start practicing your southern accents. And I’m not talking about way down home country southern, I’m talking about sweet and cute southern. Try: Kimberly Perry.

* If you watch this video and you decide to be an asshole to the guy who lovingly stayed with his girlfriend and committed himself to the vows they've not yet made, you deserve every single part of this comment. (You know who you are...JD.)

Honest to gosh, you are such a fucking toolbox. Therefore, I’m pulling a Kanye on you. "Ima get back to trying to find your heart in a minute, but I just gotta say, you beat Kanye out for biggest asshole of all time.”

I think you’ll all agree that was totally warranted. Seriously, instead of standing by your comment, just give up and eat crow on this one. No one likes the taste of it, but sometimes you have to put your big boy pants on and do it.

* This took me a long time to realize, but I finally have it under control. And I quote.

“I mean, my family cracked up a funeral once. We're not good in groups.”

It took me twenty five years, and that event, but I realize it’s better to not group up with any family members, which just leaves my mom and Aunt Bev, if we have to go somewhere and be mature. And no, I totally don’t remember what we cracked up about at the funeral. I just remember we did. My grandma was included in this. She was in her seventies at the time and of right mind. Man, I miss her.

* If you're going to senselessly play with a gun by twirling it around your finger in front of your kids, make sure it's not loaded so you don't shoot yourself in the head. I'm sure your kid didn't appreciate seeing his dad accidentally murder himself in front of him, and then be left to call the police.

True story, you guys. Some days, I can't even believe our news stories. The Darwin Award; our whole damn city needs it.