I'm Never Licking Anyone!

I am proverbially raping you with blogs already this year, I know. But it's fine because by the middle of the year I'll forget about my New Year's resolution to blog more, and end up gaining ten pounds and crying into a bowl of Cheerios while I watch a movie that no one else would think was sappy. I'm just making up for that now. I'd like to call it active foreshadowing.

Normally when I get online, I go about my business, do what I need to do, throw a few emails back and forth, and then shut the internet off and write, write, write. Tonight I decided to talk to some friends on messenger. Ridiculous hilarity ensued. As I said to my friend, I blog this stuff so I can remember these times. I do it for me. I'm sorry in advance.

All my friends names have been changed with a name of their choosing to protect the innocent. Well, I don't know how innocent they are if they've decided to be friends with me, but still.

- My brain is friend. I am DEAD! DEAD FROM STUPIDITY! DEAD FROM STUPIDITY!
- Anywho, tell your story.

Erratically excitable, you say? I barely know her!

Isis: I was busy looking for a child on Fronterville.
Me: That sounds so pedophile-ish.
Me: But I get what you meant.
Me: If you didn't know what Fronterville was...
Me: I am a horrible, horrible person.

- You're suddenly a demonic spawn from hell.

- Why does the restaurant keep falling for it?

Isis: I'd rather deal with the lady bugs, personally.
Me: They're technically some kind of Asian Beetle.
Me: That was such useless info.
Me: My grandma used to tell me that.
Isis: It was, but it might come in handy when I go on Jeopardy.
Me: Or decide to become Spencer Reid. But never in any other situation.

- I died a little.

- Or is that good because the police didn't arrest him?
- Isis, I don't know what way to go on that!

- If you hear the world Marfan, how do you react?

- See, you get that we use goober here as a term to make fun of someone.
- I didn't realize that's more of a Pennsylvanian thing and no one else finds it funny.

- Or, as my Australian friend says, they use booger as an insult and she relates his name to boogers.

Me: It could be our catchphrase.
Me: It's so night.
Isis: It totes can be our catchphrase.
Me: Look, there's books about a girl who is between a vampire and a werewolf. It's so night is not that bad.

- They all look the same. It's like a bunch of robots pooped out clone font babies.

Isis: That one was too big and looked weird.
Isis: And this one is purple!
Me: That is such an open sentence.

- Did you Google Squeaky Fromme?

- I speak four year old.

Isis: Okay, don't laugh.
Me: It's me.
Me: I have no right.

Me: But his family is definitely more down home country than us.
Isis: yaahaw
Me: There's Santa, and stuffed caribou, and the Bass Pro Shop.

If you can come back to me with the celebrity picture that I'm talking about and aren't Isis or Australian Friend, I will personally fly the first copy of my novel out to you and then take you on vacation.

- That was horrible.
- Disease sauce.
- I'm two.

These were three consecutive IMs in a row made by yours truly. I would explain, but it's not going to help any.

Isis: .....and someone has a sword.
Isis: classy
Me: That's what we do in America, we keep if classy.

Isis: And god spoke to someone to rob Mcdonalds.
Me: That sounds very Pittsburgh-y
Me: We're right on par with our idiocy quota for the year.

- I didn't think that could happen. I thought we had reached the maximum stupidity allowed.

- So I thought fuck this, they're squirrel monkeys.

That, my friends, was just from one conversation. Let me give you excerpts from an entire other that is equally, if not more, ridiculous.

- Whoop, there it is (Gees, hello 90s)

- I think it takes a nap sometimes, or, sometimes I think it stops and has sex with another email it's attracted to.

- I think I successfully confused myself.

- He's such a nerd.
- She should have left him out there.

What have I taught you all? Apparently, if you cross a nerd, just leave them outside. Squirrel Monkeys, never, ever, no matter how drunk you are, take my advice. Ever. No.

- I think I'll be ninety and be all SIMPLE PLAN IS STILL MY FAVORITE BAND, BITCHES!

- PANTS! Always go with pants!

This is possibly the only advice I will ever give that you should listen to. In fact, you MUST listen to it. Now. I see you over there pretending like you have pants on when you don't. GO PUT PANTS ON!

- I mean, guys are so lazy they HAVE TO PUT HOLES IN THEIR UNDERWEAR SO THEY CAN PEE!

- I mean, you know they're super skinny while they're in their clothes. When they're in just boxers, I just want to feed them.

Note to fashion designers. Do not hire people whose weight is comparable to that of a pear to model underwear. It's super creepy and I immediately assume you starved them and should be
jailed.

- I need a minute. Marfan is a funny word.
- I don't have the maturity for life.
- There's nothing funny about it, it's just that it's called Marfan.

- Why is Paget licking him?
- That's a little scary.
- I love Paget.
- But I mean...why would you lick his ear?
- I'm sorry, I'm not licking anyone's ear.

The picture is totally suitable for work, Squirrel Monkeys. Blame Australian Friend for this. She sent it to me, I'm passing it on. And in direct correlation to that, we have this.

- Maybe they're dating?
- Ahaha
- I cracked myself up.
- I'm sorry.

You may think I'm nuts, but you know you should be jealous. Do you see the shit that cracks me up? It does not take much, and because of that, I'm consistently rolling on the floor and drooling in a ball of shits and giggles. I will never find a date.

- GERTI GIGGLES!
- Omg that's a funny name!
- No pun intended!

- It came to me this morning and I was all, "I'll remember it," as I rolled back over and went back to sleep. I lied to myself.

- It was a really stupid rant, too, and it was so perfect.

- I'm such a pushy little bitch.
- I think it had to do with snails.

- I'm absolutely sure he has issues.
- Not the band kind, though.

- Holy shit, I think I just had a heart attack.
- Wait, I should explain not literally.

I learned a very important lesson tonight. It's bad to type that to someone when they can't see you, but know you have heart problems. Very bad.

- I'm calling he's the milkman's kid.

- I have to have a moment here and be totally obscurely out of line. I know you're shocked by this.

- So that would put his brother at 16, and 16 year olds are completely horny little nimphs.
- I'm so sorry I'm so ridiculous.

- I hope I never get eaten by a vampire.

You all have to know how drunken stupor stupid I was here. I don't get into the whole vampire thing.

- Too much makeup, don't you think?
- Yes, yes I do.
- Unless he's a wax figure, then he's fine.

Okay, you can all go back to your tea and coffee now. I'm sorry for an drain bamage I could have caused. Err, I mean brain damage.