It Can Rain On the Clearest of Days

Hearts. Before I take the adventure into writing this blog, I just wanted to send my love Miss Dani's way. You are more awesome and I heart you harder. Yes, I said harder. Oh yeah, baby. Oh my God, I am so sorry. Considering our conversation last night, I'm pretty sure that fit right along with it. When we both go back and read our conversation from last night, which I have yet to do, we're definitely going to be wondering what we were both on. For the record of the readers, we weren't on anything, but we were living high on exhaustion. Yes, we are just that awesome, thank you. Promises live!

I have half a notion to throw "gah" today's way again, but instead, I shall throw ugh its' way. Again, not complaining, but I do have a story. Before I even get into it, I want to comment on something I realized today. After foregoing the possible Saturday night plans for reasons I'll get into soon, I was asked to do the exact same thing at the exact same place by Becky number 2 when the original plans were with Becky number 1. This can not be some kind of unnatural instance. It just can't. Anyway, not the point in the least.

I turned down Becky number 2's request to go out tonight in favor of staying in, getting a nice, long, hot bath, and working on my novel since I haven't done that in the capacity I would have liked in quite awhile. Tonight just seemed like the perfect night for it and a night for myself. While soaking in the bath tub, I started to relax and think about summer and anywhere but here. I long to live out west, preferably on the outskirts of Vegas, where there's high mountains and desert. I was out west almost three years ago, a story which I will one day tell, maybe today, depending on if I feel like it or not after I get through the story of today. Today, I dreamed of being there, away from all of this, away from being sick, and being who I really want to be, who I really am.

There's one thing I really love more than anything in the world, and it's something that I can do alone, away from everyone and everything else without having to think or answer to anyone, but when the conditions are right. When it's a warm summer day, so hot and sticky that you just can't stand it and want nothing but relief, is when the potential for my perfection rolls in. It's the nights after those days, when the rain falls hard and fast, putting the kind of chill in the air that runs right through you, that I love the most. I open all the windows, run a nice, hot bath containing products from Bath and Body Works such as sleep, stress, and relax (I don't believe they sale this anymore, as I was unable to find it.) along with some oils from Young Living, light a bunch of white tea lights, turn off all the lights, and settle in with a good book. The mix of the right light to read, the book to relax, and the soothing sound of the rain hitting the ground while sitting in a hot bath with chilled air streaming in through the windows is where I find I am most peaceful and happy. I long for more of those days and I long for them out west. Out west, where I want to be, I won't see eight degree days and snow for three months straight, sometimes more. I have more of a chance to find my paradise, and don't we all deserve that?

The kind of days I like are photographed and documented at the top of this blog. Even though the rain happened during the day, it was on the edge of evening last summer, and the day had been excruciatingly hot. Love. Now, for the story of the day.

Last December, I began to ask Becky number 1, who I will just refer to as Becky throughout the rest of this blog, what day she would like to have her birthday on. Her birthday is this coming Monday, so this gave her two months to think about it, get the day off work, etc. I told her straight out that I wanted to plan an amazing party for her being that it was her 23rd birthday and on the 23rd of February. She told me that she didn't know what day she wanted to have it. This was understandable. It was only December, however I continued to ask her once a week to think about it more, not to bug her, but to remind her, and also hoping that she would think this out as soon as possible, giving me more time to plan the best party for her that I possibly could, however her answer remained the same up until last night. She said she just didn't know. She had even taken this entire weekend off of work, including Friday, and she still didn't know what she wanted to do. I was upset as it was apparent to me that my good intentions were lost and I was not planning a party for her. (I realized this weeks ago but I still held hope. I was a stupid girl.) I was slightly upset with her for not letting me do this, but also felt as if I knew her well enough, after twelve years, to know that something was going on and I was also becoming increasingly frustrated with her lack of honesty between us in a friendship such as this.

Last night she happened to say to me through text, in so many words, that Amber had planned a cosmic bowling party for her and she guessed I could come if I wanted to. This was news to me, especially considering an hour earlier she was telling me that she had no idea when she was doing her party, or if she was having a party at all. I told her I would let her know in the morning if I wanted to come or not, as at this point I was extremely offended by her for several reason. One being the obvious reason that she had blown me off and let someone else make other plans, and then "guessed" that I could come. The other reason being that she has known this Amber girl for about a month. I really started to think about quite a few things in this amount of time from night to new daylight.

Becky is a boss at Wal-Mart, a Customer Service Manager (CSM) to be more specific. She is not supposed to, by work handbook, hang out with those below her or get involved with them for several reasons which I won't get into. I was reminded of this today. As of the past few months she has become, well, this may sound harsh, but let's be honest and say "obsessed" with a seventeen year old boy who works under her. She is his boss, period. I realize the age of consent in this state is sixteen, however his parents hate her and can still push rape charges on her if anything is to happen between them. She claims nothing is happening, however, he has been in her hotel room when she lost power and rented one out before, and the way she talks about him lately I'm finding this harder and harder to believe, yet, up until last night, I trusted my friend. She also started becoming good friends with the underagers at work and has been pushing me out little by little like I am not good enough for her after twelve years and don't exist. I have put up with it on several occasions, but when she falls, it's going to be pretty far, as this morning I made my final decision about the situation.

This morning I decided that I didn't want to be part of her party. I am quite frankly hurt, pissed off, and offended by the way the entire situation went down. Here, I thought I was going to do something amazing for my friend, but it turns out that the joke was on me. Since finding this new group at work that she's not by work standards allowed to hang out with in the first place, I'm nothing to her. If she wants it that way, that's fine. I don't need her shit. I do however need my flash drive that I lent to her, and my book that she's had for eight months but never read despite reading three books a week, back. Disrespect. I will deal with this accordingly and let her go along her merry way and figure things out herself. I hate seeing a friendship end like this, but really, what else am I going to do? She's made it more than clear over the last couple of months that I mean nothing to her, so why stay where I'm not welcomed anyway? It's her loss. I'm the one she always comes to when something goes wrong, even still, but she just doesn't care to spend time with me anymore. She also hasn't listened to a word I've said in a good month. Let her figure it out herself. I am worth more than that. I deserve better.

Speaking of, what is up with girls anymore? I feel like I can insult girls, as I am one, but still. The other day my friend Steve and I were talking about this. I have no idea how guys date girls. I legitimately understand why guys decide to be gay, I just don't understand why one girl would want to date another, however, I am not against it. I don't understand how girls can run over perfectly amazing guys, beat them down, and think that it's okay. I also don't understand why every girl I know is so obsessed with some guy that is either using her, or treating her like shit, that she will displace the rest of her friends to continually get beat up by him. I just don't get it. I never want to be one of those girls. Ever. If I am, I hope that the friends I do have love me enough to tell me about it very harshly. Also note that I don't believe all girls are like this, but there must be something in the water around here.

Since I'm on a roll, I think I will tell the incredibly shortened version of the story of my trip to Arizona, but mostly just because I want to post pictures of how beautiful it is out west. Three years back I had a very good friend that I worked with. She had left to go to college in Arizona, which is literally the whole way on the other side of the country from me. For spring break her mother decided that she wanted to send me down to visit said friend, who will remain nameless, as a surprise to said friend since we were so close. Her mother approached me about this, not the other way around. I accepted, as I missed said friend terribly and I was excited to go and see her. Both her mother and I thought the same for her, but that obviously wasn't true.

When I got down there, I waited at the airport for her for over an hour. She knew I was coming three months ahead of time. Her excuse, she and her two friends that had come with her had decided to stop and sit down and eat before they came and got me. They were already running, late as they had a class that morning, so basically it was a big fuck you. They made it to the airport when they made it to the airport. On top of that, she sent her friend that I never even met into the airport to get me. I knew this wasn't going to go well, but as always, I tried to be optimistic. I should have just given up at that point. I should have known better.

I went with her anyway and what transpired over the following four days was beyond my wildest nightmares of hell. She and her other friend who I will name, Mandi, decided they just pretty much didn't want me there and I was in their way. They slept until three in the afternoon, which was six in the afternoon my time, did what they wanted, didn't ask me, and pretty much pretended like I didn't exist, and then, after day two, they decided to go to Lake Havasu City from Flagstaff, where we were located at the time. I went with them, having no other choice, and things only got ten times worse. I spent three full hours trying to find a way just to get away from them. We had been staying with said friends uncle, and after the events that transpired, he literally told her to get me somewhere where I was away from their childish actions and that they were not welcomed back to visit him. He said this to his OWN NIECE. Then, he called her mother ,who had paid and had me sent down there, and told her about how horribly her daughter was treating me. I felt relieved that someone else was seeing how they were treating me, and that it was said friends uncle to boot.

After four horrible days we ended up back in Flagstaff, I packed up my stuff, and went with my uncle in Phoenix who happened to be home from LA that week. The last four days were the most amazing days I have ever experienced. He put me up in his pool house and I got to go shopping, climb mountains, and see family members that I had never even met before. Pure perfection. I fell in love with the west.

Anyone who knows me knows that if I could live anywhere that it would be Chicago. That city saved my life in a very literal way, and one day I may tell that story, but I don't know yet. I love the city, the houses, the transportation, how you can go from the city to the beach on the same metro, and the little towns on the outskirts. It's the best of every world, but it is cold and it is expensive. I've really been dreaming a lot lately and my dreams always take place out west in a desert setting, one I can't find in Chicago. Something bigger is calling me out there and I'm more than ready to go. I just have to get better first.

For randomosity sake, I wanted to add that someone just randomly IMed me on Windows Live Messenger and asked me who I was. They were not someone on my contact list, nor did I have the slightest clue of who they could be. I nicely told them that they had IMed me and that I would like to know who they were first. From there they proceeded to flip out at me, saying that I was being extremely rude to them, and then demanded to know where I lived and everything else. I stayed very calm and they got continually pissed. I can not stop laughing.

Before I go, I will add the song for the day. Speaking of loving someone harder, I decided to add 6 Months by the band Hey Monday off of their debut album Hold On Tight. I instantly fell in love with the meaning of this song and I hope you will too.

Also, while I'm thinking of it, I wanted to add another song as this just seems to fit my day. Here is Can I Go Now by Jennifer Love Hewitt off of her fourth album Barenaked. Not a lot of people know she can sing, but I absolutely adore her. Ya for an actual music video!