An Introduction to Breathe

Hello all! It's so nice to make your acquaintance! Thank you for stopping by and if there's anything I can do to make your stay here just a little bit more comfortable, please let me know. The comment box is open. Just please, no fighting, or there will be no ice cream for anyone, and yes, I will let you pick your very own flavor.

I guess starting a blog such as this has been a long time coming. I've written other blogs before, personal ones full of a young woman's struggle to grow up, but now that I've come into my own I really want to express that. I usually say more than I should or am supposed to, so pardon me if I get a little pretentious and boring. I am only human and I have many flaws, but it's who I am and I don't regret a thing.

There's some things you should know about me, none all that important, but if you decide to read, then I want to be an open book. I am moody, messy, a hopeless romantic, effervescent, an "adorable thing that goes rawr" (thank you, friend who pegged me as such), protective of my friends, loyal, honest and sometimes hated for it, I have ADHD and OCD, but mostly, I am just a twenty three year old woman trying to do what's best for me without hurting anyone else in the process. Sometimes though, I'm just too nice. If you stabbed me and I bled on you, I would apologize to you for ruining your shirt. It's a habit.

Singing, songwriting, and writing in general are my main passions. I spent my life singing, learning, perfecting my craft, and ultimately, one day, I hope that I have the opportunities to go as far as my talent is able to take me when it comes to that, as far as that may be. I am inspired by many things and many people. I have a lot of characters in my life, people who push me through when I don't know if I can do it or not.

Today I was inspired by an amazing young woman, who is not much older than myself, and the blog that she keeps. She is not a girl I know, or will ever know in a thousand years, but her bravery, candor, and respect in herself, enough to know when to walk away when you're so in love that you can't even see straight, is what finally pushed me into writing this blog. I didn't feel as if I would be brave enough, but if she can be so brave, then why can't I? What am I so afraid of? At the end of days, that is the question. This blog is a testament to myself to start being real with myself, see myself for who I am, and come out of the shadows. Thank you KC for inspiring this.

I have been living life like I'm not alive for more years than I'd like to count. In reality, I am sick. I am not dying, although there's some things that need to be taken care of to assure this. I refuse to though. It's a mindset, and even though I've been held back for ten years by being sick, I refuse to give up and not get what I want. It has taken this long to get doctors to listen to me, but slowly over the past year we've been unravelling the mystery that is my health, but it hasn't been an easy road. I've decided to blog about it and life in general, but not to complain, (okay, maybe sometimes out of selfishness) and maybe to simply inspire. I know I am not the only person who has known in their heart that something is wrong with their body, and then spent years trying to get a doctor to listen to them. In the meantime you have lost everything you held dear as you continued to fall ill, and after a little while, your life is no longer your own.

I don't have this all figured out, and would never claim to. I have my good days and I have my bad. It's rare that I feel like myself anymore, even though I clearly know who I am. My ankles have been so swollen for three days that I've barely been able to walk, but I'm going to keep on keeping on. I've been locked up in the house for those three days, but tomorrow I'm going to try to get out and let the chips fall where they may. If something bad happens, it won't be the first time I've scared a group of people in public, but I'm alright.

Last year I had a heartstroke. When I went into the hospital, I had no idea what was going on, and all over dramatics aside, I did not think that I was coming back out of that hospital. I didn't know my own name, far more where I was, or who I was with. I couldn't speak or comprehend anything. I couldn't even get into the hospital gown. Apparently I was putting my feet through the arm holes, although I remember nothing of the sort.

In the past year I've had more blood taken and more tests done than most people can imagine in a lifetime, but I'm just grateful that someone is trying to help me. I've also gone through heart break in a different way than most people will understand, but I'm coping. I have the motto that I do not care what you do to me, as long as you are trying to help me, or a better cause than myself. I am at that point, but I refuse to let myself sink further and I want to fight this. I know I'm not the only one out there.

My days are unpredictable. Some days I wake up and I'm okay to do a few things, and others I can't even move off of the couch. I feel okay, but never good, however I am so grateful for my days out, that I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. I know I wouldn't have made it this far if it wasn't for last May, and someone who has kept me going ever since.

I don't know what this blog will end up to be, but I do know that I want to inspire someone who may be feeling just as low as I have. I don't know if I will or not, but I want to try. I don't want anyone to read this and feel badly for me. I need no one's sympathy and I'm not asking for it. I don't find myself to be unfortunate, I just think I'm building character and God has a different plan for me is all. I feel like I have a different understanding of the world than everyone else after what I've been through and I've been told to share it with the world, so I will.

This is a blog about hope, sometimes despair, and occasionally, on my bad days, I might complain, but that's not normal, because I am grateful to have made it this far and to finally have the help I'm receiving. This is something that has taken up so much of my life, but when it passes, I'll have a better life than ever imagined because I'll have the drive to do it. I've spent all these years resting only to be ready to get out there again, but I know I still have a hell of a battle ahead of me.

Wherever this blog may go, whatever stories I tell, or even if I just tell you about my day, I hope that you'll take this journey with me. This blog is intended to give hope, even if it's just to myself many years from now when this is all said and done and I'm living again. My wish for this blog is that it will force to me start living life again in the best way that I can. I want to get involved in this, to post videos and pictures and feel like I have something to cherish, to get out of my head for a little while and stop thinking about all the doctors appointments I have coming up. I don't document life well, but I want to release the absence of pictures and videos and start trying again.

I would like to update everyday, but I know that I'm unpredictable. Sometimes I'll go for two weeks with updates everyday, and then disappear in a flash. I hope that doesn't happen. I hope that I push myself to do one thing for me that no one else can scar, cut, or take away from me. I'm just getting started, so please bear with me until I get my profile properly set up and what not. I also hope to eventually get my own layout, with maybe some help from someone who actually knows how to do this, and nurture this blog from a little seed, to a great big flower. I hope I can live up to those aspirations.

Say about me what you will, because I know myself worse than anyone else, but please, enjoy the Ruby Red Hearts.