If I were to share where the title to this blog came from, I would have to then go into deep hiding. Just kidding, kind of. I think I'll just leave that little mystery to myself, and move on with the blog. But just know that I was trying to make someone's day. And also, the title is an acronym for WHORES, which the person who I initially wrote that to and I are not, thus why we were trying to come up with an acronym for it. I bet you all really want to know the story behind this now, don't you?
That will remain my dirty little secret, because it has to do with someone else as well as myself, and isn't really my back story to tell. I just like teasing all of you.
What I wanted to write about really isn't funny, nor is it something that everyone can relate to at this point in their lives, but at one point I know that everyone goes through this. Currently, both my friend and I are going through times that are tough, and for different reasons. I sympathize with her in a way that I know I'll never understand her exact pain, but I do always wish her the best.
While I was e-mailing her today, I didn't know what to say except for to send her some words that someone else passed along to me, and I would like to pass along to you. I will tell you my personal experiences that go along with how I ended up being told these things, but not hers. Her story is not mine to tell, and I respect her privacy with everything in me.
I have been through a lot in my short life, but I know that everyone has, even though all experiences are different. When you break it down, though, we all feel the same things. In different ways, true, but the feelings are still the same basics. Hurt, pain, love...they know no boundaries, and through these things we learn to connect with others. Our experiences with each help us find friends, lovers, and enemies. Our feelings tell us what is right and wrong, good and bad.
Last Sunday I was sitting at my computer completely frightened because of the surgery I was about to go into. Fear is a very strong emotion, and it often sparks fear of other events that aren't even currently taking place. It's like a rolling snowball. Fear just grows and grows, catching everything in its path, and playing with your mind. We all have fear, and I feel like it is often the strongest, most dominant emotion. Whether we all realize it or not, we are only bound by fear. What we can and can't do is determined by it, and it can become a sad picture if you let it overcome you. The trick is learning how not to, or learning how to work through it.
I was left to wonder last week where my big girl panties were, so to speak. I am used to be strong through whatever I'm going through. I had been through things far worse than Septoplasty in the last year, and it was boggling my mind why I was so afraid. I wanted my big girl panties back, and I wanted them back right at that very second, so I expressed this to a friend of mine in complete frustration over why I was so scared. I felt like I was being stupid. He, in turn, did not. Instead, he said this to me.
"You don't always have you wear your big girl panties. It's okay to cry and be vulnerable. It's okay to be scared and break down. It's a completely human thing to do, so if you need to cry or hide, give yourself time to heal, and then come back and join life. There's nothing wrong with that. You are a strong woman. Everyone knows that. You don't have to keep going full force fearless all of the time."
This is only part one of what he told me. Part two gets into a completely different subject.
I am known for being an open person, one of who tries to listen no matter what you have to say. I am not always the most perceptive person, and I don't always know the right thing to say, but I try. Ever since I remember I have been the go to girl for bad stories and things that don't work out for others. In a way, this has made me build up walls that no one can climb. Very gray, concrete walls that don't allow for absorption or entrance. Sometimes I don't always see this in myself, and I think that I'm doing pretty okay, but then I was reminded that sometimes I am just not. I don't have to be strong all the time. It is inhuman, and it took the following words from the same person to remind me of this.
"You don't realize it, but you have all these walls up and you're so defensive with people. You keep coming at people with this unbelievable internal strength until you've turned them inside out just to keep yourself from getting hurt. Step back from that. Just let things happen, because you're not going to be happy unless you try to start somewhere. If you don't try, and make all these excuses when you're really just scared, then you're not giving yourself a chance."
Translation: I am so determined to show people how strong I am, that I am afraid to show them that I am only human, too. I'm afraid to cry in front of people, including my own mother. I apologized for crying in the doctor's office last week because I was disgustingly sick post surgery, and I shouldn't have. I don't show human emotions, because it's been my experience that when I do, someone takes them and walks all over them. Yet, it's a guy who tells me I have this issue. There is something to this, and something in him that is special. I just know it.
Today I realized that I blame my dad for all of this, and I should. I have a right to. My dad put those walls up, and I am fighting and working to tear them down. I promise you that I am, but my life has become this big game of what I can and can not control. I'm afraid to trust anyone fully, or to give up control of my emotions, because someone, especially men, always finds a way to use them and twist them into what they want.
I don't want to be this way forever, nor do I want this for myself. I am working as hard as I can to be the best person that I can be, and I always will. I need to let go a little, but also stay smart about things. I need to trust my gut and instincts. It will work out if I do.
I am consistently inspired by the friend who the initial email in question went out to today, and I wish her all the best. She is a strong, beautiful woman who feels the same way I do about things, and I hope that we can help each other learn to be better people. She deserves to be happy in every way possible, and I hope that one day soon we are sitting in either Chicago or New York, drinking tea and talking about the amazing people we have in our lives, and how happy we are.
I also was very impressed by a young lady of under fifteen who broke up with her boyfriend today because he just didn't treat her like she was his girlfriend, and he also was texting other girls. She also said that he was just too dramatic. In a world of high school times and premature relationships, this was so refreshing to hear. That girl is going to be a strong, amazing woman and I can't wait to see her all grown up. If she's got a head on her shoulders now, she will be a force to be reckoned with soon enough.
Ladies, just stay strong. I know I say this often, but it's okay to be fearless, because fearless isn't about having no fears. It's about facing the ones you do have, and that's all I'm trying to do. That's all anyone's trying to do. It separates strength from weakness, and it makes us who we are. Because in that defining moment, who we are is all we have left.
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