Turn My Back to the Door

Falling in love is socially considered to be in fashion. It's all the rage in movies and books. It's why we watch and why we read. Name me a show or a movie that doesn't have an intertwining storyline of love somewhere in it. Even animated Disney movies do. The princess always finds her prince; she's always rescued. But in real life, the only thing love is, is high fashion.

It's crazy and misunderstood. Sometimes it's a little messy. It's a lot of high hopes, shocks, and everyone watching to see if you'll fall on your face. It's criticism and laughter, sometimes at your expense. It's a lot of work. It's a twenty four seven job. You never know when you're going to wake up one morning and have to go to work. You never know where you'll end up. You never now if someone will stop loving you and you'll be out of that job when you gain weight or change, even if you're happier with yourself than you've ever been. You live in a fish tank and the media are the people around you and the person you're with. Everyone's a photographer, waiting to capture that one moment when things fell flat and you were tousled from grace. It's satisfying, but as scary as walking a tight rope.

Even though, there's something about love that attracts us like a moth to a flame. You try to go through your life pretending like it doesn't matter, but it does. It's human nature to want to be with someone. Your heart cries for it even when your conscious doesn't. Sometimes in the middle of the night you'll turn over to grab for someone, only to find there's no one there. That's when it hits you the hardest; that's when you know you're alone.

The thing about loneliness is that it affects people differently. Some are okay with it. In fact, some people seem to thrive on it. They go after that job, that project, that apartment and car they've had their eye on. Loneliness makes them work harder. It assures them that they have everything they've dreamed of, and then when they're forty or so, they realize they've missed out on love while trying to push lonely on the back burner.

Loneliness is a silent killer. As cliche as it sounds, a lot of people commit suicide over it. This is a fact. If you're with someone and you're happy, you feel like you've got everything to live for. But alone, the opportunities start to dwindle. The light shines a little dimmer. You start to forget what reasons you have for getting out of bed. The world is painted gray. You walk with your head down, and you can nearly feel the rain on your skin with every step outside you take, and then it follows you inside. You do things as if you're a robot; there's no emotion behind it.

But there's the other side of love that no one else wants to talk about. It hides behind a fragile curtain that few can bear to look behind. It's the unrequited kind of love, and there's a million reasons for it. I want to talk about a certain kind, though, the kind where you know you're in love and want no one else to love, but you know you can never be. Romeo and Juliet died for it. It's a classic story, but behind each story are unique reasons for the situation.

I spent years loving someone whose lifestyle I couldn't live. It took me years of feeling like a Katy Perry song to realize that no matter how much I loved him, we'd never last. If he we tried, we'd just end up more broken than we began and probably not friends anymore. But we weren't friends now, because we couldn't even see each other. I made the decision to officially cut ties, thinking it would be the worst thing I ever did. He saved me when I didn't now how to save myself. I had tried once before and failed. Why would this time be any different?

It was different, though. I did cry...for about two days. It took me a full week to want to associate with people again and make up with online communities. It took me almost two weeks, until this moment, to start feeling like myself again. And now that I sit here with a clearer head and a less confused heart, I realize that the reason things never worked when I tired to let go before was because I wasn't ready. This time I was ready. This time it was worth it. This time I feel free, and I feel happy.

Moving on doesn't mean you have to have things end on a bad note. Sometimes it just means parting when the pain starts beating on you like a drum. You have to free yourself and realize that hurting the other person may come with that. You have to own up to your responsibility in that to be okay with it in the long run. You're not hurting them to be facetious or get back at them for something, but because you can't go on the way things are, and it's okay to be selfish sometimes if it means your happiness. Things usually are as bad as you think they are; as you feel they are deep down inside, and with that being the case, the other person knows it, too. The other person will see it was best. It will just take time, because the only reason they've not acted yet was because they still weren't ready to let go.

You can still wish the other person the best. You can still want them to be happy and want to see them end up with the right person for them, even if you've always felt it was you, regardless if it would work out or not. The heart doesn't filter right or wrong. It just knows how it feels. That being said, it doesn't mean you have to sit around and wait for that person to announce they're going to walk down the middle with someone new. You don't have to show up at their event dressed in black and in mourning. And when you think of it that way, when you're really ready, saying goodbye is the easiest thing you can do for your own heart.

From one girl to another who has been there, felt that, and let her heart cry, bleed, and then reap the benefits that goodbye can sometimes bring, I come to you with advice.

Remember this moment, the one right now. Nothing you feel is insignificant or will ever be, so you can learn from those quiet moments, the awkward ones, and the ones where you feel indifferent. It's much easier to be critical than it is to be happy and to take things like a champ, but in the end the latter will always help you keep your head above water. Shine. Know you. Know what your limits are and what you can take. Wake up every day, alone or with the person you love, and smile at yourself in the mirror. Tell yourself it's going to be a good day, even if you think it's not. But most importantly, take time for yourself. Life can be busy, I know. Even if it's nothing but twenty minutes at the end of the night as you're drifting off to sleep, use those precious minutes for yourself to think, fantasize, dream, or do all of the above. Your heart and brain will meet in those rare, quiet moments, to tell you what they really want. You just have to listen.

Live life crazy loud, like you have the right to.