I waited for you for exactly thirteen minutes at the designated drop off location, until Snarfalarfacus confirmed that you did not show. Big Man Dan seconded this notion. I warned you to obey my demands or the consequences will be dire. If you thought I would not show up because of some silly tornado, you were wrong. What is truly important is your one lost slipper. Perhaps you didn't believe me the first time when I told you I had it. Therefore, I have attached proof of life so that you can further rethink your next misstep.
Since an attempt to collect on your debt was not made, I have changed my mind about the final fate of your poor, dear slipper. Maybe you will change yours. The cat holding your slipper below is Pie. Do not be fooled by her seemingly loving demeanor, for she was trained by the CIA(S), Cats Ignorantly Attack (SURPRISE!). Part of her training was to pretend to be like any other cat, lovable and trustworthy. This is merely how she lures her opponent in, and then, when they least expect it, she snaps. If you don't meet my demands, I will make sure she knows the slipper is the enemy, ready to unleash its wrath on the world by taking all of the catnip available, therefore not allowing it for distribution. You slipper can kiss its butt goodnight, then.
If you are one of the many fools who do not believe in the powers of the CIA(S), then I present you with a real, live bear. As you will notice, he is missing his nose. You should have seen the other guy. Let this be a warning to you. He's got the smell of your slipper under his nose and is ready to go at first cue. Nom.
And if a trained CIA(S) agent and a real, live bear are not enough to put the fear into you, I happened upon this person today. They believe in sparkly vampires that are afraid to come out of the closet. Surely they will have no problem destroying your slipper.
Your blatant refusal to show up at the designated point has forced my hand. If your slipper passes, this will be on your head for the rest of your days. You have one more chance to get this right. Here are your new instructions. Read them carefully. You have been warned.
My price has gone up. Along with the things that I've mentioned the first time, I would also like the following; three packages of Dingo dog bones. They must be the type with the red meat in the middle. You should also include a white bunny no older than eight months, with a gift card that will cover the cost of all the bunny's needs for the next eight years, with an Easter basket made of pure silver and three eggs of the bunny's choice, each filled with Godiva chocolates, plain. Don't go putting anything funny inside of my candy. All the new items shall be placed inside of that Easter basket. You shall take the Easter basket, along with the previously mentioned items to the back entrance of Dick's Sporting Goods. Ask for Dick. When the employees give you funny looks, insist that Dick must work there because it is Dick's Sporting Goods. Become more and more enraged with each employee until they finally call the police. Once the police get there, insist that you have been treated poorly by the employees of Dick's Sporting Goods and then try to press charges. The police will take you to the station and proceed to pull blood to test you and make sure you have no drugs in your system. They will have to lock you up while they await the results, but that's okay, because they take your personal effects before doing so. Like a ninja, I will sneak in and grab your personal effects, which are my ransom items, while you sit in the cell. Don't worry, once they realize you're drug free they will let you go. Your slipper will be taped to the door of the police station. I will be there promptly at four p.m. tomorrow. Show this to the police or refuse to show up and the slipper gets it by way of Pie, the real, live bear, or the Twilight fan. Or maybe by all three.
Since an attempt to collect on your debt was not made, I have changed my mind about the final fate of your poor, dear slipper. Maybe you will change yours. The cat holding your slipper below is Pie. Do not be fooled by her seemingly loving demeanor, for she was trained by the CIA(S), Cats Ignorantly Attack (SURPRISE!). Part of her training was to pretend to be like any other cat, lovable and trustworthy. This is merely how she lures her opponent in, and then, when they least expect it, she snaps. If you don't meet my demands, I will make sure she knows the slipper is the enemy, ready to unleash its wrath on the world by taking all of the catnip available, therefore not allowing it for distribution. You slipper can kiss its butt goodnight, then.
If you are one of the many fools who do not believe in the powers of the CIA(S), then I present you with a real, live bear. As you will notice, he is missing his nose. You should have seen the other guy. Let this be a warning to you. He's got the smell of your slipper under his nose and is ready to go at first cue. Nom.
And if a trained CIA(S) agent and a real, live bear are not enough to put the fear into you, I happened upon this person today. They believe in sparkly vampires that are afraid to come out of the closet. Surely they will have no problem destroying your slipper.
Your blatant refusal to show up at the designated point has forced my hand. If your slipper passes, this will be on your head for the rest of your days. You have one more chance to get this right. Here are your new instructions. Read them carefully. You have been warned.My price has gone up. Along with the things that I've mentioned the first time, I would also like the following; three packages of Dingo dog bones. They must be the type with the red meat in the middle. You should also include a white bunny no older than eight months, with a gift card that will cover the cost of all the bunny's needs for the next eight years, with an Easter basket made of pure silver and three eggs of the bunny's choice, each filled with Godiva chocolates, plain. Don't go putting anything funny inside of my candy. All the new items shall be placed inside of that Easter basket. You shall take the Easter basket, along with the previously mentioned items to the back entrance of Dick's Sporting Goods. Ask for Dick. When the employees give you funny looks, insist that Dick must work there because it is Dick's Sporting Goods. Become more and more enraged with each employee until they finally call the police. Once the police get there, insist that you have been treated poorly by the employees of Dick's Sporting Goods and then try to press charges. The police will take you to the station and proceed to pull blood to test you and make sure you have no drugs in your system. They will have to lock you up while they await the results, but that's okay, because they take your personal effects before doing so. Like a ninja, I will sneak in and grab your personal effects, which are my ransom items, while you sit in the cell. Don't worry, once they realize you're drug free they will let you go. Your slipper will be taped to the door of the police station. I will be there promptly at four p.m. tomorrow. Show this to the police or refuse to show up and the slipper gets it by way of Pie, the real, live bear, or the Twilight fan. Or maybe by all three.
Now, you would think this would be enough to threaten her into exchanging the now upped ransom for her slipper. This time I didn't even mention that we'd bring the slipper over on Friday. I wanted to trick her into thinking that we wouldn't to see if she'd come to her slippers aid. She didn't. Instead, I got this email.
Cassie,
You can just keep my slipper. No ransom will be forthcoming. So there! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aunt Bev
You can just keep my slipper. No ransom will be forthcoming. So there! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aunt Bev
I don't think she was taking me serious, nor did I believe that she didn't want her only pair of good slippers that she wore at work to not exist anymore in the absence of one. I had a remedy for that, but you'll have to wait for the next blog to see what all of that's about.
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