I'm Onto You, Aliens!

Dear Disney,

I am convinced my neighbor is a full-bodied artificial intelligence work-in-progress that was crafted by some aliens with a sense of humor. I think they not so secretly programmed her to have several mishaps, therefore teaching them what they shall not do when they infiltrate our planet. She is their test dummy, emphasis on the last part. If this is her purpose, she is serving it well. Allow me to further explain.

Said neighbor decided that she was going to participate in Earthly customs and adopt not one, but two dogs. It became apparent rather quickly that she was not familiar with animals of this sort or possibly any at all. She allows her dogs to go outside, oblivious that there is a road nearby. They run all over the place, as she is unaware what a leash is, and it has come to the point that anytime she leaves her dogs out, we also have to stand and watch them to make sure they don't come in our yard. Sure, she pretends to watch them, but most of the time her back is turned or she is picking at her nails. Once or twice she will absentmindedly throw a ball, usually straight toward the road in her euphoria of being self absorbed. This was all concerning enough, and then today happened.

I watched helplessly as she actually decided to stop her dogs from going down on the road. She yelled for them, stomping her foot in the process. They ran over to her like they meant business, but as soon as she bent down with her arms outstretched, the one dog took off around her, and the other went back for the road. That dog ran straight out onto the road just to get away from her. Although I don't blame the dog, I am eternally grateful that the tan van coming around the corner was paying attention to where it was going and wasn't speeding and was therefore able to stop before unthinkable things happened. Instead of going after the dog to remove it from the road, she walked away from it to grab the other dog who was not in her yard, but still in a yard. The dog eventually got off the road, although I was unable to tell if it was because of the driver of the van or not, as she never made an attempt to go after her own animal. From what I could see, she just ignored it, which is pretty par for the course for her.

I believe the above is proof of her being crafted as a very human looking specimen of artificial intelligence. For you see, the dogs were willing to at least amuse her intermittently until she tried to pet and hug them. My hypothesis suggests that this is because her animatronic parts make her sound suspicious as she moves about and fake skin is cold to the touch, frightening the poor, unsuspecting animals. As soon as I have more proof, I will further form an inference in which you can bet I will forward your way.

Furthermore, the same young lady seems unsure of how to use her vehicle correctly, although she is supposedly in her twenties. You never can tell with those fake humans these days. Said young animatronic experiment managed to lock her keys in her car three times in one week. It was only Wednesday. How do I know said specimen did this? She openly admitted it on Facebook to all her friends and basically the rest of the world. She then complained that she had to pay a grand total of fifty dollars each time for someone to come and get her keys out. I am sad to announce that I have reasons to believe she still has not discovered what a spare key is. Once I figure out how to contact her home planet, I will alert them to this glitch in their hardware.

In doing so, I would also suggest upping their technology. Ever since presumed girl moved in next to us for the second time, she has been in school. We have since come to find out that she is a full time student in year four of a two years degree. Please, aliens, I beg of you to do the math on that one. It should take two years to get a two year degree, not four. Her reasoning, as it has been said from the mouth of babes, is that her professors hate her and keep failing her. Her words, not mine. This glitch must be fixed. No one would believe she was a human with that kind of blatant stupidity. If the aliens are not more careful, she will be figured out.

Recently, her significant other contracted H1N1, otherwise known as the swine flu. Many people offered to take her dogs in, but none offered to take her in. Even her own grandma told her she didn't want her coming there and causing more problems for her. She and said boyfriend already live in the apartment above this same grandparent's garage, so this seemed awfully fishy and cunning of said aforementioned grandma to say this. Human grandparents are always glad to see their grandchildren, unless they've been arrested, accused of murder, or are harboring slaves in illegality in the basement of their grandparents' homes, knowing they can never get down the stairs to get the proof they need.

I think this is decent evidence against her human training, as she's not even able to con her own grandparents into keeping her away from a potentially deadly illness for one night. There can only be two reasons. One, said grandparents are a rouse to continue to allow her to go incognito in the human world. They know she is but not a human and cannot contract human viruses. Two, she has been unable to infiltrate humans as seamlessly as the aliens hoped, not even being able to force a relationship between her presumed grandparents and herself. They simply hate her inhuman ways and lack of intelligence.

Somehow, though, above and beyond all of this, the experiment has managed to jack my internet. I have password protected it, made the connection invisible, changed the password several times, performed at least a dozen Indian rain dances, and yet she still somehow manages to get in, despite the previous mentions of her intelligence chip being faulty. To add to this evidence, let me reiterate the fact that the internet is available to anyone who would like it.

She does not live too far out, she does have a phone, therefore allowing her to call the internet provider to set up service, and either she or her boyfriend are always there, so they wouldn't have to struggle to find a time to allow the pesky man to come and install internet service. Both she and her boyfriend work full time, she during the day, her boyfriend at night, and live for free in the apartment, so one would assume that unless they are blowing all their money on crack and whores, they should be able to afford the extra thirty bucks a month for decent internet instead of wasting hours of their life cracking mine. This just pisses me off and makes me have to me turn around, change all my passwords, and wait for several months until they do it again, as they openly complain their neighbor, i.e. me, is an idiot for not letting them use their internet. In truth, all was well and good until they got in and changed my passwords for my connection, therefore shutting me out of my own connection and forcing me to have to reset everything via the original modem, which I happen to own since I'm the one paying for the internet. In your face. Just saying.

In closing, I feel as if the aliens have truly failed in their mission, however, I can not confirm or deny that this is their first attempt at recreating human life artificially. Also, I understand things are different on their planet and am sure they are making the necessary adjustments as time goes by and miscalculations arise. Although she's extremely difficult to live next to, I believe the story is both a humorous and compelling look into the very telling facts of alien life. That being said, I was wondering what kind of deal you were willing to present to me in order to make this story your very own new hit movie. All offers will be considered, and I can even write the script for you at no extra charge, if you would prefer.

Sincerely,
A Non Barbie Girl Living In An Alien Barbie World

Seriously, though, you guys, it's been a day. And yes, the part about having to watch our neighbor's dogs for her is totally true. The last thing we want are her dogs running all over our yard. Unfortunately, that's the last thing she cares about. It's not like we have our own dogs to take care of or anything.

Anywho, back to today. I had haphazardly decided to begin getting some of the Easter stuff out. Early? Why yes I am, but I can't take looking at snow and snowmen and animals in hibernation and a world of white for a minute longer than I have to. I want to see bunnies and spring colors and happiness all around me. I'm just ready to move on from feeling entombed in my own house because of the season. Because we still have snow on the ground and apparently more to come, I made sure to not make the outside world and Mother Nature feel dejected by simply blending some Easter things with the snowmen. It's not as bad as it sounds, I promise. It's more of a coming of seasons story, illustrated for all to see.

This was going all well and good until I climbed the treacherously high step stool. Everyone knows one and a half feet equals death defying heights. I'm careful not to get up on a step stool of any kind, regardless of how high it is, or go up and down steps if I'm not feeling well or a little dizzy. Often times those mellow spells end in me becoming so dizzy that I lose my balance or fall. Sometimes I black out. A few times I've had those experiences while on the step stool, but since it was fairly low to the ground, I was always able to catch myself. No worries.

For whatever reason, the step stool and my body decided to conspire to plan a sneak attack and bite me in the ass. If my ass looks like my foot. For the first time in the history of me being alive, I fell off the step stool. I down right blacked out long enough that when I came to, I was on the floor. My foot was wedged under the couch. It was a little startling and a little funny all at once, and generally, I just didn't know what to think, because I didn't remember what happened that took me from the step stool to my current position.

What's more is that I was feeling fine in regards to being dizzy when I went up on the step stool. There were no indicators that I would be taking a swan dive or I would have never gone up on the step stool in the first place. I'm a lot of things, but a glutton for punishment is not one. And naturally, because this was a step stool / body conspiracy, my foot that got stuck under the couch was the one I had a one hundred and twenty pound box come down on a few years ago, so it's already a little worse for wear.

Thankfully, I don't think I injured it, at least not permanently. It swelled up, so I sat on my bottom and iced the heck of it, and then vowed to stay off of it as much as I could today. This really put a damper on my plans. I think the snow Gods are after me for trying to somewhat replace and show them up them with Easter stuff. They don't like the glory being taken away from them, which I understand, but I promise I was not trying to offend the snow or anything attached to the season of winter.

There's a place on my foot that is bruised, and if I turn my foot the wrong way or put any pressure on it, I get a jolt from my foot to my knee. I think it just angered and irritated the nerve. Although I've apologized, it's still a little angry. I'm off to sing it campfire songs in an operatic tone in hopes that it stops bothering me, because tomorrow I must finish decorating. I see you winter stuff. Don't get any ideas. None. None you crafty little suckers. NONE!