Things I Have Learned From Music

I didn't expect to write so soon, and quite honestly there's not a bone in my body that feels like doing it, which is exactly why I am. For a week I have been so sore that I've had issues just getting around. Yesterday I did good. I got around decently, got things done and fought through it. Today I didn't have the same luck. I spent my Thanksgiving sleeping and feeling icky. How did you guys spend your Thanksgiving? And for those of you who don't celebrate, how did you spend your day?

Tonight there was a Taylor Swift special on. I almost fell asleep through it because I was just that tired, and not because Taylor was boring. I think you all know by now how much I love Taylor. I turn into a sixteen year old girl who doesn't scream, but becomes awfully gleeful. There's not many people I would get star struck around, but she'd be one of them.

While I was listening to her talk about her deeply personal album, Speak Now, I got to thinking about a lot of things, and a lot of feelings. There's feelings specifically that have caught me up lately.

One is fear. I am one of those people who isn't afraid of much of anything. If it was the middle of the night and something went bump, I'd be most likely to go search out what it was first. If my feet fall out from under me, I just find a new way around. Up until now, I haven't been too afraid of what's going on with my health. I've been worried. I've been concerned, but I knew it would work out. I've never anxiously awaited a test or worried for days over something endlessly.

I feel like that's what I'm doing now, and I'm trying to find the strength not to do that and not to complain, because the truth is, I don't have it that bad. There are many people in worse positions than me that handle it far better than I am now, so what gives me the right to complain? Nothing.

I am scared this time, though. When I first started having these symptoms I brushed it off. But now the doctor is worried that there's something wrong with my kidneys. I'm not getting ahead of myself or over-thinking things, but this scares me. Auto-immune disorders I can handle, but this is frightening. I feel like I'm just sitting around waiting for test results and can't keep my mind off of it. I feel weak and I feel like a loser for doing it. I feel like I'm playing the violin at my own pity party and I don't like it. Where are my big girl panties and when the hell am I going to put them back on?

I don't like this side of myself. I have no right to feel this way. My motto has always been "fearlessly *insert age here*" Now I feel like that's a lie. I miss being fearless, because being fearless means facing your fears. I'm not doing that right now.

Taylor's music moved me into realizing there's more that I'm not doing right now; I haven't in awhile. I'm not feeling anything for anyone. I don't remember what it feels like to feel anything for anyone. I want to work my way into the dating world, to find someone and take that walk down the aisle when and if the time is right, but I feel like a liability to someone. I've always been myself and I've been happy with that, but with my health, I know that dating me is going to be difficult on someone and I don't feel like I have the right to put that on someone.

If I find the right person, I'll know. There are some great guys out there despite what I want to think and sometimes say, but it's finding them. I haven't connected with anyone is so long that I don't remember what it feels like. If I ever find someone who enchants me, will I know?