The Most Bizarre Half an Hour of Your Life

For those of you who don't follow me on Facebook, you've not seen how my page has become accosted by birthday wishes, therefore, you probably don't know that today, November the 11th, is my birthday.

I love all of you for accosting my page like it were a puddle of mud in a pig pen. You all made me feel so special. I have the most awesome friends. I also realize the reference possibly made me sound like Hannah Montana and her deader-than-a-possum-on-a-freeway speech. I'm okay with that.

Since, at ten thirty pm on my birthday, I have nothing else to do, I am going to return the accosting tendency and accost you all with the longest blog post in the history of the world. It might even win a prize.

But seriously, you guys, the receiver on our satellite protested, and when we didn't meet its demands, it very non dramatically croaked. We were given the option to go buy a new one for a hundred dollars or get one for free in three to five days. Obviously we're not stupid. The next three to five days could be interesting, though. I like to watch television when I eat and generally have it on all day for the noise. I also like to have it on at night for noise and movement. I'm a little lost as to what to do with myself without the added noise, so it could get crazy up in this bitch, yo. (The yo is compliments of Becky 1. I'm kinda not sorry for typing that, but I'll try to never type it again. Try. Key word. I think I can get away with it since it's my birthday and all I wanted to do was relax with a little television, but now I can't. And yes, my birthday is totally an excuse for everything. And when that doesn't work I'm going all Selena Gomez via Wizards of Waverly Place and claiming my entire birthday week.)

Before I start telling you about my birthday and all my favorite, ridiculous things, I want to take a moment to thank all the Veterans. Today is also Veterans Day. For those of you not living in the US it's, well, a day where we honor Veterans. I will be second to a Veteran any day of my life, especially on my birthday. They've given so much and should be honored first and above all else. So should their friends and families. That job, that support...it's difficult, too. People forget about the families just as people, and forgive this reference, but it's awesome, forget about the victims of serial killers, but remember the killers. That may not have come out right, but you get the picture. I am thankful for all they've done, and continue to do and give to this country.

I also want to take a second to say that I've always found it ironic that I was born on Veterans Day. My grandpap was my best friend in life, and I miss him more than words can express in death. He was a Veteran. Today will always be his day, not mine. And speaking of missing people, this is my first year without my grandma. It's been harder than I thought, you guys. I miss that one phone call, that day out with her, and everything else about her.

And in far less important news, did I mention it was my birthday? Because it is, and I'm going to tell you all about it. Unless you don't want to hear it, in which case you can just skip this post. At least I was up front with you all about what it was about first.

I am now a quarter of a century old. There's something about a milestone birthday that really makes you stop and say, "damn, where did the time go?" I don't have an answer to that either. And when my mom's friend called to wish me a Happy Birthday and asked my mom how old I was, I told her not to tell her. First time in my life folks, and I'm twenty five. I never thought I'd be one of those people to lie about my age, but I see it coming. Oh yes, I do. Luckily, everyone averages my age between seventeen and twenty one based on how old I look, so I might be able to get away with it.

I also got a phone call from my grandpap's brother's wife. Yep, let's go over it again. Technically, she's my great aunt, but I wanted to add that she's my grandpap's brother's wife because I was so close to my grandpap, and was thoroughly bummed his brother, who is possibly one of the most hysterical men alive (eat it Conan), was not around to talk. They live several states away and I haven't seen them in years, but I was happy to hear from her! It made me all kinds of joyous just in time for the Christmas season!

We all know birthdays aren't about presents, until they are, but they're really not. Therefore, I decided to give presents, too. To the pets, naturally. It excites me. But since it is my birthday (a little overboard? probably) I will share with you what I got. And I have nothing else to do, so I'm sorry.

My mom bought me two adorable Hallmark ornaments. I have the Fairy Messengers Series, so she got me my new one for that. She also got me this year's daughter ornament, which is a snowman that kind of looks like a penguin and is wearing a hat. This means he's funny all over, which makes me gleeful.

She also got me the new Taylor Swift CD. I had that baby in the player before you could say Taylor Swift. My CD player is extremely temperamental and only works when it wants and with what CD it wants to work with. It took four tries, but it finally played. I have two things to say about this CD other than it is awesome, because it's Taylor Swift, so that's implied.

1. My favorite song is Speak Now. It's completely cheeky with a happy, easy little beat.

2. The artwork on the album is beautiful. And instead of enjoying it, I wondered how expensive it was to shoot that many different looks, and how many days it took.

Those are the gifts my mom paid for. Now, I know what you're thinking. But Cassadee, you don't have to spend money on gifts for them to be meaningful. No, no you do not. In fact, all my mom's birthday gifts are going to be homemade, so it's cool. I'm down with free or cheap gifts. But my mom took it to a new, hysterical level.

I am a fan of free sample sites such as this one. And sometimes, if you're really lucky, you can get free magazine subscriptions. I'm a magazine hoarder, but I don't buy them because they're too expensive. I found some awesome subscriptions and ordered them. Yesterday, two of those magazines came in the mail. Since I didn't get the mail, I didn't know. My mom wrapped them and gave them to me. Yep, she gave me my own magazines that I ordered...for free. I'm still cracking up.

A little later in the day Aunt Bev came over. We're going to get to the debauchery later, which there wasn't much, surprisingly, but right now we're talking presents. I don't know if you've all seen this, but several months ago Aunt Bev got me an early birthday present in the form of a necklace and let me keep it to wear it. And wear it I did.

Today she brought along a pair of slippers. They are quite possibly the cutest, and warmest slippers ever. They're red with white snowflakes and trees with buttons as ornaments. I kind of have a serious thing for slippers, so this works for me. She also got me a neon snowman that lights up in intervals. I also love snowmen and enough neon to light Vegas. He's very distracting and I might end up watching him, or her, for the equivalent of time I would normally watch TV. Tell me, friends, should my snowman be a him or a her? And what should I name him/her/it?

Also, she gave me money, which is more than generous. But there was a catch. Aunt Bev knows me too well and knows that I would take that money and buy Christmas gifts for her and my mom, so she made me promise I'd show her what I bought. You all, I've been shanghaied into buying myself things I actually want with my own birthday money. It's so right and so wrong. The hardest thing is going to be figuring out what I actually want to buy, because there's a few CDs and what not that I'd like, and she made me promise I'd buy something just for me.

Because I know you have to be sick of hearing about my birthday, I'm going to interrupt my own blog to talk about two things.

One, I want to thank Zoe for liking my hair. It makes me happy! ILY! Also, since I don't have an actual television to watch, the next couple days are looking good for watching a few episodes of Moonlight online so I can be in the know to read more of your story.

Two, did anyone else see Criminal Minds last night? Because I want to talk Criminal Minds. I don't know if you all feel this way, too, but it seems like their not polishing off their story lines like they used to. The great story lines are there, the script is good, but it's like they're putting it out too soon before they smooth out all the rough spots. Don't get me wrong, I still love the show, but I'm a little bummed but could live. And then last night happened.

For those of you who watch the show, you know Dr. Reid is socially inept at best, and at worst an autistic genius with Asperger's and a mother who is schizophrenic, which is inherited. They've worked really hard to create a believable, viable character and Matthew Gray Gubler's portraying of him is spot on. Reid is obviously a character that has been meticulously plotted and designed. He's the guy who lives to work, who often alienates himself even in a group of his peers with his genius and lack of social skills, and who doesn't date. At all. Yeah guys, judging by that last part only he could be me. I know. I'm like Reid with no excuse and dumber.

So imagine my shock last night when, during a scene, they had him tune out from his job to check out a girl. (The scene is at 23:15 if you want to see it.) Yeah. No. Wrong. The gong is sounding. You are being buzzed. Slime is coming at you. The music from Jeopardy just stopped playing. Although the scene was hysterical and cute, it didn't fit Reid at all. I was far more disappointed in it than I should have been. I think it was put in there to add humor to the show, but this is a guy who, when the girl he liked kissed him, he tried to talk her out of it by explaining transference. Then he said the wrong thing and it all went to hell, and instead of sulking, he went right back to work like it never happened. This is the guy who took a co-worker on a date and it tanked, so he worked side by side with her without a word for the next five seasons.

This is a girl who needs a life.

And now, because I have ADHD, I shall bring you right back to my birthday. My mom came up with this game of forty questions where I had to pick one of two answers and she and Aunt Bev would try to match said answer I picked. I was going to share all forty with you, but then you'd all be snoozing, so here are the highlights of my wacky rational.

Would you rather be the President of the United States, or a cross dressing TV star who gave three million to charity in cash and prizes a year?

Obviously, it's the second one. And not just because I got to give money away. Although that would be my favorite part; helping people who need it, I would rather cross dress on TV for no good reason than have the responsibility the President has.

Which TV show would you most likely appear on, Criminal Minds or House?

Although I am obsessed with serial killers, as in I want to know what makes them do what they do, which would make me a great profiler, it's still House. I mean, considering I have no acting chops that I know of and have been told I'm a medical anomaly in myself, I could go on there with no acting required. Since it's a TV show, I may be the one case House couldn't solve. Take that! And everyone thought I was going to say CM, too.

Who would you rather have as a sister, Jessica Simpson or Taylor Swift?

Although I love Jessica and would be honored to have her as a sister, I got so excited that I blurted out Taylor before I was supposed to, and then I started going over all the reasons why we would make good sisters. Like she's from Pennsylvania and likes music. Yep, that's all I got.

If you were forced to have an affair, would it be with Jimmy Kimmel, David Letterman, or Conan?

There was no good way to answer this, so I'll tell you my exact, drawn out explanation. I'm not and never have been attracted to gingers. Well, not the men at least. I think red haired women are gorgeous and I have envy, so quite frankly I'd rather go for a ginger women than man, but I'm not a lesbian so that's null and void. My grandma was consistently told she looked exactly like David Letterman's mom, which always made me feel like he's really my uncle and my grandma took that secret to her grave, so that's creepy. The only choice was Jimmy. Please don't ever force me to have an affair. Please world? I'll give you a chocolate pretzel for your consideration.

Who would you like as your real mom, Julia Roberts or Marg Helgenberger?

I guess I'm supposed to have a real mom. My mom apparently is fake. She explained this by saying if she wasn't my mom, who would I want. Marg all the way. What won her over for me are two things. One, if I look like that at her age I will be thanking every piece of the universe time and time again. Two, if I'm that cool at that age, ditto. What really won it for her was the interview where she said her son had a party and he made such a mess that she had to go get actual coroner's gloves from the set of CSI just to clean it up.

What body of water would you rather be, the Nile or the Amazon?

The Nile, because denial is not a river in Africa. Yep, I went there.

If your husband needed an operation or he would die, and your three kids were starving, could you sleep with Bill Clinton for one night for five million?

What makes this answer is either my stunning wit, or failed logic. I would say no, but only because I am repulsed by Bill, and if I could get him to offer me five million to sleep with me, I could probably get someone else to offer me far less, but enough to cover the bills, and maybe I wouldn't even be repulsed by them. And if worst came to worst, I would honestly get a job at a strip club where you could stay in your lingerie. Those girls pull in the dough. Yes, I would rather objectify myself for a few months to make ends meet than sleep with someone for money. That's exactly what I'm saying.

And on a side note, why is Bill Clinton offering me that much money to sleep with me? Where did we meet? How did he get my number? Was there no one else available? Has Monica moved on?

If you could take someone on a shopping spree, would it be Ellen Degeneres or Sharon Osbourne?

These are my two favorite women over fifty that I don't know, but it has to be Sharon. Her foul mouth, tell it like it is attitude makes it so. I think Ellen would let me buy whatever I wanted, where Sharon would tell me if I looked like Big Bird in a tutu. I need that.

Would you rather be a panda bear or a black leopard?

Look, I have a weakness for pandas and their cutsey wootsey little faces. If I had millions of dollars then I would move to China just so I could adopt as many as I could to try and help save them from extinction. And I would hug one and probably die, making the aforementioned helpful gesture moot.

Would you rather walk one mile in the snow or one mile in the sand?

This answer got me glazed over looks. The snow, because sand is nearly impossible to walk in for one mile unless you are dying and have no other choice, or extremely conditioned. Aunt Bev told me to pretend I was extremely conditioned.

Would you do a romantic comedy with Jim Carrey or Kevin James?

One day, several years ago, this guy at a craft festival exited a Porta-Potty. He proceeded to gallantly walk across the grass with three feet of toilet paper stuck to his shoe. When we pointed it out, he was a comedian about it. He looked exactly like Kevin James. So obviously Kevin James, because even though TP guy wasn't him, I will always think of Kevin when I think of TP guy and visa versa. This sounded more romantic in my head, and by more romantic, I mean not so at all.

Would you rather talk to an Alien or Bin Laden?

This answer is probably going to take more explaining than makes me sane. Of course, I've never been accused of being neat-nick sane, so we're good. I chose Bin Laden. I know, I know. There was no good answer to this. But I actually thought this one out using my own frightening logic.

One, I don't think it's weird for there to be life on other planets, just like I can't figure out why people are so stumped by Bigfoot. There's millions of species out there we don't know about. It just isn't weird to me. Other planets probably wonder if we're out here, and Bigfoot probably wonders if those stupid looking hairless things that walk kinda funny are real, too. Therefore, I have a deal with the aliens. I don't bother them if they don't bother me. I joke...at least I hope I joke. But seriously, if you're planning an otherworldly invitation here, can we make that deal? Please?

Another reason I say this is because we live in a military fly over zone, and more often than I'd like to talk about, there have been what looks to be a stereotypical flying saucer fly and hover around the land above us. You can watch them for a good ten minutes sometimes and they make no noise. Although I'm sure it's just the military testing their planes we don't know about, I'm not taking any chances.

Also, I am obsessed with wanting to know how serial killers' minds work. Although Bin Laden is technically a terrorist and not a serial killer, a serial killer is defined as someone who murders three or more people over a period of more than thirty days. (Reid moment!) Uh, check. So yeah, I'd want to interview him like that woman from the BAU interviewed Bundy. I ask ridiculous questions, so much like Sean Spencer on Psych, I could be his worst, perky nightmare. Take that! (And if you watch the show and caught why I spelled Shawn wrong, two points for you!)

If you could paint the Greensburg Courthouse, what color would it be?

Green...obviously, because a green Courthouse that sits atop a hill in a city called Greensburg is so ironically sarcastic that it mocks itself.

If you would gain weight, would you want to work out with Kirstie Alley or Marie Osmond?

My initial choice was Marie, but then I thought about it and realized that Kirstie is just so funny that I might not get any working out done, but I'd laugh so hard that I'd lose weight from that. Also, I could be a way better chubby buddy than Jim. The only problem is that I'm currently not chubby. No, body, this isn't me giving you an idea so I can work out with Kirstie.

If you were a stripper and you had to choose between two calls, would you go to Donny Osmond's or Lady Gaga's?

Donny's. Hands down. Can you imagine the fleeing and out casting by Mormon's all across Utah? And there's me, an innocent stripper, caught in the middle of what millions of Mormons head for the hills over. It's so right it's wrong. And I have nothing against Mormons. I'm just saying they don't like strippers, which is true. I'd just really like to see if enough of them got together over the whole hiring me as a stripper thing, if Donny would be kicked out of Utah, so of course I'd have to go there. I like debauchery. I'm not going to lie.

And then there's the little issue of me thinking Lady Gaga is clinically insane.

Who would you rather be twins with Anne Hathaway or Hilary Duff?

Hilary. I'm like a really lousy fifteen year old from ten years ago. Oh wait, ten years ago I was fifteen. Okay, we're good Although I think I would have a better chance as passing as Anne's twin, I just really like Hilary.

If you heard there were naked pictures of someone you thought was really hot online and you knew they'd never know, would you peak?

Look, guys, this isn't the weirdest question by far. I wouldn't. I couldn't. I don't want to see guys I know naked. Why would I want to see a guy I don't know naked? If i want to see anything, it's them shirtless, but they can keep their stuff to themselves. My mom and Aunt Bev, however, tsk, tsk.

You know how I said that wasn't the weirdest question? Here comes the winner.

My mom decided that she and Aunt Bev could ask me any question they wanted. Aunt Bev had no question, but I don't think anything was going to follow my mom's. She asked if I had a chance if I'd date Matthew Gray Gubler.

Come again?

Since this is a completely fictitious question where pigs would fly from phenomena that was not a tornado first, a snowball would survive a month in hell, and Hanna Montana would not have the best of both words, I said yes. He's hot, he's single, he's got a nice butt (Aunt Bev and I are butt people, and no, that doesn't sound right. I'm not changing it.), and he's completely hysterical, albeit being an odd little man. I like odd people, and he's not out singing to the aliens with a tin foil hat, so it's the right kind of odd.

And I just checked my Facebook again and one of my friends jokingly said she tried to convince him to be my present for my birthday. I should be worried about my friends, but I love them too much. I am, however, a little worried about me. I'm unsure of what I said to make someone think I wanted him for my birthday, but whatever it was, I'm okay with it.

All right, that's all for me kids. You're all probably thinking, that's all? That's all? This post is a freaking novel. But it's fine because I'm going to go and work on Dolls of the Night, and don't you try to stop me.

You're not going to stop me, are you?