The End of the Aisle

There’s a phrase that I’ve always loved, and hated all the same. Our relationship is barely new, but it feels like it every single time this phrase comes up. I guess saying I have a relationship with a phrase is an overstatement, considering having a relationship with anything means it knows you exist also. A phrase can not know one exists, but it can be used over and over again.

As a woman, as a human being, and as someone with a beating heart, sometimes I feel like a phrase and a punch line.

Sometimes I feel like, “if you have something to say, say it. Life is too short.”

There is so much truth to this phrase, yet people often don’t realize that it’s the biggest lie of all. I respect the people who can say what they want to say, but not everyone, even the strongest of people, says everything they want to say.

There’s a million reasons for this, but one is that, often times, it is just not appropriate to say what you want to say, no matter how short life is. Sometimes you do it because you are scared, others because you are trying to protect someone else. Either way, there’s always a reason and always a valid excuse for why you can’t say what you want to say when it matters the most.

Sometimes you just can not without ruining the entire situation and making things one hundred times worse than they are, so you would sacrifice saying that one thing just to keep things as they are and not make a mess of things, or hurt anyone.

Sometimes you don't say what you want to say even though you are fully ready to say it, and you don't know why. It's there on the tip of your tongue, and the voice in your head tells you not to say it. It begs you.

On the flip side, sometimes you do say something that needs to be said and it still blows up in your face when the person refuses to hear you. Sometimes it’s completely innocent, or a response to something that sets someone off and leaves you wondering what in the world just happened, because this was one very pleasantly normal thing that should not have ever become a line of contention.

For years, I've struggled with saying too much or too little and just living my life. Today I would like to share with you two things that have happened because of the former and the latter.

We all know about Friend by now, and hopefully this is the last post concerning him. It's no secret that I've struggled our whole relationship between telling him things, and not saying things. Then, at the end of the grand scheme of things, I was swallowed by tears for what I had not said.

But no more, my friends. No more. Sometimes things come to you slowly, in little pieces and lessons learned. Other times they slam right into you like a freight train going full speed, and knock you backward so hard that you barely realize it when you hit the ground.

The other night I had a dream. This dream involved marriage and weddings, and for those of you who know me best, you know that marriage isn't at the top of my to do list. Sure, I would love to be married if I found the right person, but the years of living with someone who tries to make me who they want to make me has left a sour taste in my mouth when it comes to tying myself down to someone else. I like being myself by myself. This isn't to say I'd rather be alone than with anyone else, it's just to say that I am okay and stable in who I am and can be alone without feeling lonely. If I don't get married, I will not crumble or seize to exist from loneliness. It will simply not be so. And besides, I have Greta Hayley.

In this dream I was taking a course on wedding planning, which is the field that I want to go in to. Wedding planner by day, novelist by night. In this class, our final test was to pair up with a fellow classmate, male or female, and create and go through with a mock wedding. This included the dress, the bridesmaids, and the whole fake "I Dos." Now, I realize they don't actually do this in wedding planning courses. Even in my dream I knew it, but I soon found out that wasn't the point of my dream.

I became vehement toward getting fake married to someone I didn't love. This sounds stupid, I know, but to me it wasn't. I couldn't plan a fake marriage, especially when marriage isn't at the top of my list, and then fake it with someone I didn't want to spend my life with. The sanctity of marriage and the personal touches that go along with planning one for oneself is something I always thought should be best be saved for when you are meeting someone you cherish at the end of the aisle. And that would be okay if that was the main reason I couldn't do it.

In my mind, I was marrying Friend at the end of days, no matter what, soul for soul. That's how I felt. In my dream he also had a girlfriend, but I knew that one day we would just end up together, and I was so sure that we were meant to be together that I refused to go through with the project, further explaining this to my professor. How it ended isn't important.

This dream haunted me for many days. I talked to a friend about it, but then recoiled. I felt confused, lost, but most of all I couldn't figure out why I would have a dream like this about Friend when I never had any plans on marrying him anyway. It was never a thought. But in my dream I was so sure, so positive that he was my only love that I can't even explain it. That's what bothered me the most.

I chewed on this thought for days, having no other choice. Then, one night, just as the dream came to me, a dose of reality followed. I love Friend. I will always love Friend. Maybe I didn't tell him, and maybe all the things I needed to say didn't get said, but I now know that is best. Friend and I would never work out. Friend likes the bottle and so does his family. I like good, clean fun. No matter how I slice the way he treats me, at the end of the day this is a huge lifestyle problem that I know I will inevitably have to choose between. The choice will always be sobriety over Friend, because I've fought hard to keep myself clean, not ever get drunk, not do drugs, or go to parties where people constantly get in fights and where you have to sometimes call the police at family functions. This isn't Friend's life.

I deserve better than that. So does he, quite frankly, but he's made his choice. Maybe not better than the way he treats me, but better than the drinking and the fights. I don't have much of a family, so I want to marry into one that will become my own. They don't have to be perfect; I don't want perfect. I want real. They're not going to make the best choices, but at least I don't have to worry about punches being thrown and behavior I am unprepared for. I am a tame girl.

The same goes for Friend. He's always been amazing to me, but when he drinks or gets in one of his "moods," he can be so far less than stellar. He's inconsistent, and I chose to only hang around him when the bottle was in the fridge, so I spent time seeing him how I wanted to see him. I can't escape that in a marriage. I simply do not want the life he has to offer. I do not have to take it.

I always knew this, but for some reason it hit hard the other night. I did not cry; I still haven't. I don't feel upset or sorry for any of this. It isn't him I want and that's not a lifestyle I want to live. I would rather be alone than deal with the issues that come along with a lifestyle that he admittedly won't get help for. No matter how much he's changed, without help, he will never be the person he used to be and I can't hang on to that anymore.

Subsequently, had I told him all the things I wanted to, it would only hurt worse now. He would find me contradicting myself six ways from Sunday, when at least before I was honest about not being sure if I could be with him. I hesitated then for a reason and I should hesitate now.

The only question remains is the one that asks if we can still have a relationship. I don't know the answer to that. We haven't talked in quite awhile and I haven't been more fine with that. I don't not want him in my life, but I feel like if he's in my life, we'll be each other's bad habit. Something happens when we're around each other without us ever trying, and neither can deny it. It's like the stars circling the universe at the speed of light just to put on a show for us. Now we lie the fallen stars and I've never been safer inside knowing this. I will always wish him the best and the most happiness ever imagined, and the same for myself.

Many moons ago when I was young and not as sick, so three years ago, I had a good friend I will call J. I adored everything about J and then things started to go wayward. I had an odd relationship with another friend who she did not know, but knew of. She also knew about our friendship and the funny and odd moments we had together. I was also like his pseudo mother, because goodness only knows where his was. The friend who introduced us thought this was the best thing ever and someone needed to hold him responsible for his actions. J did not agree.

One day J sent me an email about all the things I was doing wrong with the other friend, even though she did not know him or our relationship, just some of the things about it. I was understandably angry. I debated letting it go, but it was too big of a thing and I could not, so I spoke on it. I did it in the nicest way I could, explaining that she did not know his response to our relationship and that we were fine. He had no issues with it and she needed to mind her own.

This caused a huge fight. We are no longer friends, but I still think about her and hope she is doing okay. I'm indifferent to the friendship and what happened, but I still sit back and wonder what exactly happened, since it happened so quickly. I also wonder if there wasn't something else brewing below the surface that made this happen. I wonder if she didn't think I would defend my relationship with other friend, or what brought it up in the first place. Maybe I blocked that part out.

Whether we say things or not, we will never have all the answers. We're best to sit back, enjoy the ride, and learn that one day, most things will make sense. But sometimes they're not meant to. Another situation will eventually come along, one similar, and we'll be able to make a better judgment call than we did last time, because of where we've been. We have to go there to get to the end.