The Angels Are On Her Now

This was supposed to be posted yesterday. I went to bed before I could proofread it. Sorry, guys!

Today I cleaned like nobody's business. This doesn't sound epic, but if you know me at all by now, you'll know this is for two reasons. One is that I managed to injure myself. That's right; I injured myself cleaning. Nothing major. I just ticked off my ankle that had a one hundred and twenty pound box come down on it three years ago. It wasn't supposed to heal. It did. I expected one day I would tick it off, and quite frankly, I don't blame it. Injuring yourself cleaning is funny enough to warrant the pain, so it's all good. I say that now...

Second, I clean when I need to think. I don't know why I do this, but for some reason I can get lost in all my thoughts while I clean, and then take out the feelings of those thoughts on the dusting, sweeping, etc. It's a healthy way to let my emotions out and clean my house, so it works for me. Unfortunately, or fortunately, for all of you, this post is going to be about the thinking that happened during cleaning and not about how I hurt myself. I actually don't know how I did it, I just did. Sorry there's not a better story to that. I know. I'm disappointed, too.

Yesterday and today were emotional days for me. I have no other reasoning for this other than it's that time of the month. If you're a girl you understand why that's relevant to this story. If you're a guy then I'll just tell you. That time of the month is the emotional equivalent of a woman being pregnant. I realize the irony in this considering you don't get your period when you're pregnant. I think this is our body's way of either preparing us for pregnancy, or making sure we have to act like a crazy pregnant lady in case we don't get pregnant. I'm not sure what my body is trying to tell me, but I'd like to think that I am on to its evil ways.

Anyway, I found myself with one particular thing that I needed to think about. That was, why I do the things I do when it comes to love. I'm the kind of girl who truly wants to be with someone, and then wants to be alone just as much. I can't have it both ways, and all I've ever wanted to know is why I feel this way; why I'm torn. How could one person want both things? What is causing that person to want to open their heart up and love, and then push everyone away who loves her back at the same time? I knew if I ever found the answer to this, I would find myself explaining the whys and hows to at least one person, if not several. I at least owe Friend that, if he would ask. Knowing him, eventually he probably will.

I didn't have an answer for anyone, not even myself, until today. I was just letting my mind wander, letting it run through all the reasons I felt like I had been socked in the heart over the weekend, when, in fact, I had not. The feeling was so overwhelming that I just let my mind go, and eventually, before I even knew it, by the end of day two, I had my answer without ever trying to find it.

I've had a lot of death happen in my life. Namely, the death of my grandparents. As you all know, my grandma died in January of this year. We knew the time was nearing, yet it was very sudden. We got a call and she was gone. I guess we expected it to go differently. I don't really even know anymore. In 2000, my grandpap died. He had cancer, but they didn't lead us to believe that he was as bad off as he was. One day we got a call that he was in his last of days. We were genuinely shocked. A year after he was diagnosed, he was just gone. I wasn't ready for that. Even if I had years to ponder it, I still wouldn't have been.

I was closer to my grandpap than my grandma. This is no disrespect to my grandma. When I was little and my mom was in school, or worked, I stayed with my grandparents. They largely helped to form me into the person I am today, and I am grateful for that. I was there a lot, and in a way, they were just as much my parents as my parents were. Of course, by this time my father was gone, so my grandpap stepped into duel roles and he loved every single moment of it. So did I. I was also with him more because my grandma worked. He dedicated his days to spending them with me. Period. That's what he did and I was the world to him. He always made me know that. It wasn't just in the things he said, but in the things he did and the way he treated me. Even if he never verbally expressed to me how much he loved me, I would have known. I still know over ten years later.

After my grandpap died, people I didn't even know were coming up to me at his funeral and knowing who I was because he had showed them pictures of me, and told them all about me. Every one of them expressed how I was his world and how much he loved me. There were many who did so.

There were also many people who attended his funeral. Old war buddies from across the nation came out, war veterans from across the nation who didn't even know him, but came to respect a fellow veteran after hearing of his death, and people who knew him from when he owned the feed store were all there. There was a line the whole way out the door. There were more flower arrangements than we fairly knew what to do with. There was a lot of love. This is a testament to the man he was. He left behind a legacy, and to this day, I miss him more than anything.

When I was little, around eight or ten, he would talk to me about my wedding. He did this nearly daily and I wasn't even at the age where I was thinking about weddings, or dating, and still thought boys had cooties. He would tell me about how he was going to walk me down the aisle, and how we would share the first dance, and it would be our day as much as my day with my new husband. That was the kind of person my grandpap was. All he wanted was to hand me over to someone who brought me more happiness than I ever thought possible. He wasn't selfish with me. He was kind and respected my little girl decisions, no matter how dumb. As long as it made me happy, he was there to share in it.

Without realizing it, I grew up with the idea of having him to share my wedding with. He would be the one who walked me down the aisle. He would be the one to hand me off to start my new life. He'd be the one in the front row bawling his eyes out. He'd be the one I'd dance with during the father / daughter dance. He'd be the one who helped me fix up our first house. He'd be the one to babysit the grand kids. There was never any flexibility in that. I never saw my wedding without him.

Then my grandpap got cancer. That was okay, because he was always going to beat it. Wasn't he? He was always going to be there for my wedding. Him dying before my wedding, before I started my life, was never a thought in my mind. But then he did, and when he did I was also very sick. I was told that I would have only been able to get through two more years with the way my body was had I not found help. I had to focus on myself, but the death hit me hard.

I found out just how sick I was one day, and the following day my grandpap passed. From that day on I began to get better. I'm sure part of it was from the help I was getting. I'm a logical thinker. But I can't help but notice the coincidence in this, and somewhere in my heart I've always known that he was part of the reason that I survived what I did. He's part of the reason I'm still surviving after all I've been through. He's always here with me. I can feel him and there's some things I just know. Those are two of them.

Having been sick, I was pulled out of high school. My body couldn't handle what was required to physically be in school. Sometimes I got dizzy and nearly fell down the stairs. Others, I got so sick I couldn't stand it. Sometimes I was so tired that I needed, not wanted, to lie down. When I didn't, again, I got sick. My body was extremely weak. I started homeschooling prior to my grandfather's death. I got behind being so sick, and eventually got my GED. I know, I'm not exactly a genius here, but I think I turned out all right.

Not being in high school, and being sick, therefore, not having the strength to go out with friends, and having lost touch with many after leaving high school, my social skills lacked sourly. I just didn't realize it until I got out into the work world. I could socialize fine with girls, sure, but guys were a whole other story. They were these scary beasts that I didn't want to deal with. I had never flirted with a guy, or talked to one I was interested in, for that matter. I didn't know what it was like to go on a date. To kiss a guy. I had done neither.

I had become, "that girl." As much as I was okay with it, it was also uncomfortable. For the second job I ever had, I worked closely with a guy. I liked this guy. I was optimistic that I could get whomever I wanted. Not because I was gorgeous or perfect, but because I thought I had a decent personality and they would at least give me a shot before saying no. My grandpap always led me to believe that. I didn't get either out of this guy, but later came to find out that it wasn't me, it was his father that was intentionally keeping us apart. It's a long story; one for another day.

From then on, I found jobs where I worked with all women. I avoided guys. I didn't know why I was so afraid of them. Part of the reason was that I wasn't in high school to get the interaction as part of daily life; there was no male living in the house to learn from. I had no males in my life at all, in fact. Another part was because of what my father had done. But what about my grandpap? He taught me that guys were wonderful, caring, sweet; and he made me believe that I would find my fairytale in real life just by talking about my wedding. He let me know there was someone out there for me who would be far from perfect, but perfect for me.

This lead me into years of trying to figure out why I was so messed up when it came to guys. I went through a tough time. I got depressed. I became immature. I acted like a moron. See here and here if you don't believe me. I will never tell who the second one is about. Ever. But it's not someone I've ever talked about on this blog. Oh, and probably here, too. Yep, that really was me. What in the hell was happening to this mature, level headed, have it all almost figured out girl? I hated being that way.

When I got sick a second time and had to quit my job that I loved because of it, I never could have seen what was coming next. I truly loved the job I had. I worked at Hallmark with all women and we were all good friends. Despite the pay not being great, it was the perfect job for me. But I kept getting ill and had to take several months off for my body to cooperate with me again, because I couldn't keep going the way I was. I started to feel better three months later and started to look for another place to work. I knew I would end up in retail until I figured out something otherwise, and my mom worked with someone whose son worked at Best Buy. We talked to him and he said he could get me in. I loved music, I loved movies. I was game.

To this day I don't know if this was the smartest move that I've ever made, or the dumbest. Before I knew it, I was hired to work in the media department selling CDs, DVDs and gaming systems. What I didn't know until I started was that I was the only girl in a department. Let me repeat that, I was the only girl in a department. I was the one girl on the sales floor. In a company with nearly sixty people, there were maybe ten girls who worked there period. I can not even begin to tell you how mortified I was. I knew for most people this wouldn't be a big deal, so I sucked it up and moved on. I realize now that although I look back at that job and feel fear and have not so fond memories, I had to work there to learn how to deal with guys. Now, I prefer talking to and hanging out with guys over girls. There's far less drama and cat fights, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

I had learned in my other jobs that I seemed to be able to persuade guys to like me, or to do what I wanted. The thing was, I never did anything to bring this on. I never fancied myself pretty, not even cute. I was the geek in school and still saw myself that way. Years change a lot of things, and I started to no longer see myself as the ugly duckling, but I still was far from the kind of girl who got their own way with guys. Yet I was one of these girls, and I didn't even do anything. I didn't even know how to do anything, and I was backwards with guys. In fact, I would have preferred if the only form of noticing me they did was to notice me long enough to realize they just wanted to ignore me, and then went on their merry way.

I am still not the prettiest girl in the world, and yet this happen to me all the time. It is never with guys that I like back, at least not usually. Is it because I'm a Scorpio? I'm not into astrology, but it's the only reason I have. I guess that makes it null and void.

I had worked at Lowe's for a very short period of time. I didn't work in a department with any men, but at the registers with all women. I got hit on by contractors all the time. I didn't speak to them outside of the allotted "register" talk. I was actually more quiet than most of the girls there, yet they still hit on me. Some of the men that worked there would go out of their way to help me out even if I didn't need help, but wouldn't do it with other girls. I wasn't even that cute, and especially not in those snazzy red vests. I went in minus the makeup so that this wouldn't happen. I was mortified. I'm not a girl that likes to be noticed. I know this probably sounds like I'm complaining about nothing to most girls, but for me this was the last thing I wanted. Then it got worse.

I worked at Hallmark for almost two years thinking this wouldn't be a problem. Most of the clientele were women. Then came awesome, older business man. Now AOBM, as I shall call him for short, was well read, kind, probably in his late thirties to early forties, and came in all the time just to talk to me. He offered to buy me stuff, take me out, etc. I turned him down nicely every time, because he was genuinely a nice, not pervy guy, and I appreciated it, I did, but I was still mortified. Eventually we got another lady to work with named Mary Ann, who is, to this day, my favorite person I've ever worked with. After AOBM came in several times, she shoved her ring on my finger and asked me about my husband right in front of him. AOBM came in no more.

I really thought things couldn't get any worse, and then Best Buy came along. The guys who worked there would bend over backwards for me, and I didn't even ask them to. I dated two guys I worked with from there. These were the first and only two guys I've dated. I don't consider them real boyfriends, and in reality, I should have never dated them. They were the type of guys who didn't know who they were, only cared about themselves and were never going anywhere in life. I know the one is an unemployed druggie now, and I know nothing about the other one, but you all get the hint. In my attempt to not be mortified by guys and give them a chance, I didn't think it out properly except to think that I was being a scared little unsociable chicken, and dated guys who weren't worth my time.

Sadly, that wasn't the worst of my guy issues at Best Buy. I got hit on by a lot of stoner gamers, and guys in their pajamas. I wish I was kidding. One time I came back from vacation exhausted. I had offered to take someone else's shift, stupidly, not thinking that I would be getting back from vacation within a half an hour of having to be at work. I sat down on the floor to file DVDs and woke up a few minutes later to one of the guys from another department doing my job and waking me up. He basically did my job while I was there, which wasn't fair to him, but I never asked him to. He just did. Thank God this was an instance of someone just being really nice, but still. I never asked him. He just did it. I didn't know why guys wanted to be around me, far more do nice things for me, even if they didn't like me.

And then came the kicker. I could probably make a whole post about this story, but I'll try to keep it short and sweet. There's nothing sweet about it, though. One day these two guys, obviously slightly intoxicated, but not enough to excuse their behavior, came in. They walked around for awhile and then came up to me and asked if we had a certain movie. It was not on the shelf so I did what we normally would do, and got into the computer system to look it up and see if we had any in stock, or if any stores nearby did. This was a mistake, and I realized they weren't so much as looking for a movie. It was a super old movie that hadn't been in print for several years.

What were they looking for, you ask? Well, once they had me cornered right up against the computer desk and started asking me if I did threesomes and if I liked porn, I realized quickly they were looking for a "good time." They even offered to pay me. How nice. I should have told them where to stick their money, only I was a little afraid. This happened on a night when we normally weren't busy, so we were understaffed. There was a NFL game going on that night, and normally the store is so dead you can hear crickets.

However, the store had just started some upgrading and got a brand new, the biggest screen I've ever seen, big screen television. Being that we live in a small area that is big on football, of course everyone who loved football and electronics found out about this. There was no longer a reason for them to go to the bar and buy drinks, because now they could just come and stand around the big television at Best Buy for free!

Because of this, the store was crowded, although not busy with shoppers, but where I was standing, no one could see me being cornered. The person who was supposed to be watching the monitors was also more busy watching the football game than doing that, or they would have noticed the obviously inappropriate and uncomfortable position I was in. To make it worse, my co-worker had somewhere to be, so he was in the back collecting his stuff while the other co-worker who was supposed to be there to work with me in the same department was running late. I was the only one in the department. Had anyone else been in it, they would have noticed something was wrong by now. This was also before we had the walkie talkies that connected to our pants and went in our ears. I couldn't even call anyone for help.

I got lucky because the co-worker who was leaving forget to clock out before grabbing his stuff. He was going to clock out on another computer, but while trying to avoid people noticed something wasn't right. This co-worker was well over six feet tall so he could see above pretty much everything and decided to clock out at the computer I was being trapped at. As soon as he came over, the guys split and left the store. Awesome co-worker told me he had seen something going on and knew something wasn't right, and then proceeded to go and alert the person who was supposed to be watching the monitors of what had just happened. Awesome co-worker also told me that, if the guys didn't leave, he was going to call me hunny and ask me if I would pick up supper on the way home. After that I wore a ring that looked like an engagement ring. I was only bothered once after that and those guys never came back, thankfully.

Then we have the infamous Good Girls Go Bad story about Mike, who is probably still waiting for me to call him about buying a house. I didn't do anything there either, he just clung himself to me, but I digress. You get the picture of the issues I have with guys. Little boys like me, never men.

While I was working at Best Buy, in the mess of all things that I didn't know and that scared me, I met Friend. Now you all can probably get a better idea of why he was, and in his own way, still is such a substantial part of my life. He wasn't like the other guys; the ones I dated or the ones that hit on me. He wasn't interested in himself only, or in just getting laid. In fact, he had a girlfriend. He just liked me for who I was. He never wanted nor expected anything from me. And with that, our friendship grew.

To this day, I can honestly say that if I had not met Friend, I'm not sure where I would be emotionally. He listened to me for hours on end. I complained a lot. If I were him, I probably would have either ran from me, or moved away and changed my name just to get away from me. You think I'm kidding. I'm not. I was that bad, but he never cared. And through all of that, he liked me. Me. The person who over shared everything with him and used him as a shoulder to cry on. Of course I never did it because I was trying to use him, but yet, because I trusted and respected him. I had never, ever trusted or respected a guy before other than my grandfather. And, like my grandpap, after our friendship developed, I knew that Friend loved me. Unlike my grandpap, it was as more than a friend. Just so you don't get confused and think my grandpap was a creeper or anything. It was in the way Friend acted and the things he did, more than what he said. But he said it, too, in his own way. And he was happy to say it finally. This he told me. Even if he hadn't, I still would have known.

The thing that happened with Friend is truly my fault. It is. I take full responsibility for it. I think back now and I wonder if he ever knew I loved him. I wonder if he knows I still love him and always will in some way. I tried to tell him in the best way I could, but it wasn't very good. I know now what I didn't then, and that's that I didn't know how to tell him. No matter how I knew what he felt for me, I was afraid if I told him, that he, too, would leave, just like my grandpap. My grandpap didn't leave by any fault of his own, but Friend had the choice, so who's to say that he wouldn't? My dad did.

When I had the chance to just be with Friend, another thing I knew for sure was that, if I were to be with him, that would be it for me. That's who I would be with. I just knew. Now, if I had a dollar for every time someone told me that "they just knew" and I laughed to myself and thought they were nuts, I could live in the lap of luxury and do nothing for the rest of my life. So really, I can't explain on which grounds I had to just know this, but I did. At the time I was only 21 or 22, and he was a few years younger, so I just wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. I think back now and wonder if I should have been, but then I realize a few things.

I was in a bad place when we were so close. I didn't know who I was, and had I gotten together with him, who knows who I would be. Would I have ever figured out exactly who I was? Or would I only know who I was with him? He was the opposite. He only knew who he was with certain people, and not who he could be without him. Then those people left. He's just learning who he is now, and I can see it in him when we talk the little that we do anymore. He's becoming his own person at the same age when I became my own person. Yet I still have the same feelings for him.

I struggle with this. I realized today that, even though I always felt we were supposed to end up together, that it was us against the world, we had to take the paths we took to figure ourselves out. It was supposed to happen. We're still friends through all of this, and that being said, there was a reason. The reason I worked at Best Buy was to meet him and get more comfortable with guys, while finding out exactly what I didn't want in a guy. Through him I found out what I did, at least emotionally.

I've said it once and I'll say it again. I don't agree with Friend's lifestyle. I think he can be wreckless, but as his age, it's his choice. I know the kind of life he's lived and I understand why he is the way he is. I don't hate him for it, I'm not angry, I hold no resentment, but I accept it. It's just not the kind of lifestyle that I can live. But I see him growing and getting out of the drinking, and the constantly being drunk, and maybe that means something. Maybe it doesn't. I don't know. What I do know is all that I learned today, and the answers I have received.

I, without knowing it, have lived with a fear of commitment since my grandpap died. He was the ideal father and grandpap figure to me. No one compared to him. I found every reason to not go out with someone, instead of finding reasons to do so.

I've lived with the fear of abandonment really since my father left. It intensified once my grandpap died, and continued on. If I got involved with someone and I fell hard, and they left, I didn't know if I would be able to pick up the pieces. This went for friends I got close to as well. I was such a fragile being before, but I'm not now. I know that if I give love a try now that I could pick up the pieces if it didn't work out. It wouldn't break me. It would simply be a learning experience.

My love of weddings and wanting to be a wedding planner comes from the days when my grandpap and I would talk weddings together. It's idealistic for me. It brings me back to my childhood and the days where I had my best friend by my side. It's a reminder that life is beautiful, and I was loved so deeply and unbelievably by someone I trusted and respected fully. The people I would be helping plan their wedding also feel that way, but it's a different kind of love and a beautiful thing to be a part of.

I never saw myself getting married anymore. Not after I really got into the real world and started to kiss frogs. Not after I realized my grandpap would never be at the wedding and that the day was as much about having him walk me down the aisle as it was about getting married. I rejected the idea, because he was never not part of it. Now I know that if I stand at the end of that aisle with no one by my side, he will be there to walk me down it. Even in spirit, he will be there. He will still be in the first row, he will still dance at my wedding, but now grandma will be there by his side. His one and only true love.

My grandma was so intent on not dying until I was married. She was worried I'd end up old and alone, and trying to take care of my mom and everything around me before I did eventually end up alone. We have a small family. It's now just my mom, Aunt Bev and myself. She had a point, and she promised she wouldn't die until I was married. I think I let her down because I didn't have the chance to get out and meet someone, and when I did, I pushed him away because I was ill prepared and non understanding of the feelings I was facing until we had our year apart last year and I realized what I really felt. But that's okay. It was meant to happen this way.

When my grandma passed, as weird as this will sound, I felt like an orphan in a way. Yes, I still had my mom, but my grandparents had so much to do with raising me. Most of my youngest and favorite childhood memories were with them. It's not my mom's fault. She was a single mother who was going to school and working hard to provide for us. I loved the days with my grandparents. When I had problems, I still, up until the day my grandma passed, would call her and we would talk them out. Sometimes we would even complain about being sick together since we had many of the same symptoms. I didn't have that anymore. My little light was gone. Knowing she was going to pass, I had prepared myself several months before, only to learn that I wasn't really prepared and I missed her more than words could express. It felt like my childhood left right along with her.

Because of that I learned what it was like to shut down, and then realized that was what I had been doing all of these years. I needed to do the opposite. I knew what it was like to shut down, but not to open up. I have geniunely been trying to do so and somedays it's harder than others. Sometimes I just want to cry and be alone, away from the rest of the world. Other days I know that I'm ready to try love and try things again. I'm taking it one day at a time, but I'm getting there.

Without two of the most influential people left in my life, I found myself unexpectedly becoming the free, hopeful and optimistic person I was when I was child. I'm opening up again and I'm having to rely on myself. It's a different world out there for me, but today, I learned so many things about myself. I learned why I do and have done the things I have. I learned why I treated Friend the way I did, and then went back to him after a year apologizing and making sure he was okay. And I still feel like I have so much more to apologize to him for and I may never get the chance.

I miss him, I do, but I know it's time to let go. He has a girlfriend and I would never do anything to disrupt that. He knows that. I'm not here to make his life complicated; I've done enough of that. I just want to see him happy, because he's gone through more than I have. I respect him. I always heard that if you truly love someone that you would just want to see them happy. I never believed it, but I do now. There is no jealously, or anger. There's just the hurt that I feel knowing that I could have been with him, but the relief in knowing that we both had to grow separately.

As much as I don't want to let go, today taught me to let go of my father's memory, keep my grandpap's and my grandma's and let go of what I can not have. This doesn't, by any means, mean we still can't be friends. If it becomes too difficult like it did last year, then it will, but right now, I want to stay friends with him. The truth in last year is one he doesn't know. I loved him, I never wanted him to leave me, and I was scared so I pushed him away first. I regret this every day. I will just not compare anyone to him or "wait and see what happens." You girls know what I mean by that. We all do it. We are friends. Period. It hurts, but I'll live.

Today, as I was crying and pondering what I was learning, I talked to my grandpap. I couldn't see him, but I could feel him. I told him that if I was on the right track, if what I was learning was what I was supposed to be, to give me a sign. I told him that I missed him and I wanted to know that he was still around me and that I was making him proud.

I don't know how many of you know about "pennies from heaven." Essentially, it's said that when you're missing someone and you find a penny appear from nowhere, or in the oddest place with a year significance to the person you're missing who has passed on, that it is them saying hi. I see dead people. I never had to rely on a penny, however, later in the night, once I had picked myself up again and stopped thinking about waiting for a sign from him, this happened.

I went into my mom's room to get the bandage for my ankle. I barely ever go in there unless it's for something like that. Because my ankle was bothering me so badly, I couldn't bear to bend down long enough to find out which shelf it was on, because I knew it was on a lower shelf, just not the exact one. Therefore, I sat. I went about my business, pulled out the bandage wrap and wrapped my ankle. And that's when I saw it, but almost didn't.

My mom has one of those carpets made from eighteen by eighteen carpet tiles that interlocks together. When it's together, you can no longer see where it interlocks, and it interlocks so tightly that nothing can get in between it, but there it was. A penny in between the carpeting. I don't even know how it managed to wiggle it's way down in there, but I picked it up and thought nothing of it. I went to put it on my mom's shelf when I noticed the date. There it was as plain as day, 2000. The year my grandfather died. Somehow, I just knew it was from him. Some may call it a coincidence, but having lived in this house with that carpeting for around eight years and knowing nothing has ever gotten stuck down in it, I knew this was different. This was special.

So I will keep this penny as a reminder that I am on the right track. I'm living, I'm learning, and I'm on my way to being who I really am, and finding peace when I'm confused. My grandpap is here watching, guiding me, now with my grandma by his side. I am a lucky girl, a blessed girl and I will be okay. I will just keep growing knowing that I have two angels watching out for me.