Boys...They Need A Map to Everything

Greetings from my side of the world, where flies are seriously annoying, and Greta is trying to abolish their whole colony they got going on in my living room. She is my hero. I would have been here much sooner to write about today, except I got sidetracked with trying to find the Selena Gomez video for "Magic" on YouTube because, in case I haven't mentioned it, I adore her. She can do no wrong. She is cute and adorable, and such an awesome little Disney star. You can't tell me otherwise. I will simply not believe you, and then sit for hours just plugging my ears and going "la, la, la," so don't waste your breath. I can have selective hearing when necessary.

I decided since the last post was all about life, things I've learned, and heartbreak, that this post should be a lot more fun and more upbeat. I knew I wanted to write tonight, but I had no idea about what. That was until I started talking to my friend who I will call SN. No, her name is not SN, but her SN's initials are coincidentally SN, so I shall call her that.

Anyway, we were having a conversation, one that got way off topic and so far out of hand that I decided I had to blog it. It was like a live, real time blog taking place right in front of my very eyes as we typed wittily, so I decided to march on with it. I also remembered a few other events with other people, that have occurred in the last forty eight hours, so I think I shall share them all in order of which they happened, not order of which is funnier, or more important. And by important I also mean funnier, so really I'm just repeating myself now.

Yesterday I had my eleven day check up for my nose. It is healing fine and there are no problems with it, so we're hoping that it will heal perfectly and he won't have to "do anymore work on it." Whatever that means. I don't want to know, but that's not where I'm going with this. I know I've explained the staff at my nose doctor's office before, but this time we went to a different office. I have to inform you that the staff there may actually be more pigheaded than the staff at the other office, but not dumber. They are smart enough to lie to us, badly, but they try none the less.

On this particular day, I got into the office for my 1:15 appointment early, but not so freakishly early that I was going to impose on anyone else. When I got there the office was jam packed, so I signed in, but while doing so I noticed that there were two people that were ahead of me on the sign in sheet and not yet crossed off, that had appointments far after mine. We sat in the office and waited and waited until it was just us and another person left. Obviously the girls were taking people in order of how they came, not appointment time.

Now, I understand it's cool to be early, and I also understand if you take someone with an appointment time after another person's if said person with the earlier time does not show up, or is late and the doctor is left to twittle his thumbs in boredom, but that was not the case. I was early for my appointment, I just wasn't a half an hour early. They should have taken me, but did not, which caused my mom to go and try to talk to the girl about it. Even though the sign in sheet was sitting right in front of my mom and she could have easily picked it up and shoved it in the girl who works there's face, the girl still claimed that she was not taking people ahead of us and all the other people that went in before us had 1:15 appointments. Yes, because they totally scheduled a shit load of people at the same time. My mom realized it wasn't even worth arguing with the mortally stupid and moved right along.

That, however, is not the point of what I'm trying to write. While we were in the waiting room, my mom had got out an ancient People magazine and was mindlessly flipping through it. She came across a page where she didn't know who most of the "celebrities" were on that were strewn across it. My explanation went something like this. "She's a whore, whore, whore, some girl from making the band but she's still a whore, she's cute, whore, whore, no idea, she's cute, too...and we're back to the first whore again." I don't know what the people sitting beside me thought, but I did include the names of the people while flipping through them and calling them a whore, so I don't really care. The girls were half dressed, at best, and that's what they looked like. That is not my fault. I call them like I see them, folks, and the way I see it, I am personally a fan of clothes. If you're not wearing any in a picture where you knew the media would be present, that doesn't get you the best label on my shit list which means nothing else to anyone in the world but me, so don't feel insulted.

Also, while sitting there my mom came across a picture of Robert Pattinson. Even though she is my mom and she is in her fifties, she knew who he was immediately. She also likes Twilight, but the fact that she could easily pick him out shocked me in a way. Anyway, she brought up something that I don't know if I've ever posted on here or not, but my mom and I have actually talked about. Robert makes the perfect vampire. I personally don't see anything mind numbingly, panty dropping gorgeous about him, but he looks vampireish. I don't know what it is. It's not like he has pointy teeth or blood stains on his clothes ever. He just looks like a vampire, a little evil, a little mysterious, and a little dare devil like. On top of that, his facial features make him look very debonair, like he's from the early 1900's, therefore he's pretty damn perfect for the part. What a coincidence. Casting a person who looks exactly like a 19th century vampire to play one in the movies. It's like he was born for this role. Really, the man upstairs must have been like oh, in twenty some years there will be a movie called Twilight where this guy will play a 19th century vampire. Ta da! Created. My job is done. *Goes for nap*

Random side note, because that's how I roll. This post deserves a mom tag, so this will be the beginning of a mom tag, however, I've had an Aunt Bev one for quite awhile. Beyond that, I also have most of the review for New Moon written up, but I realize I can't post it without getting lynch mobbed. Being as I'm not totally against someone yelling at me, because I am who I am and don't give a duck, I may post it anyway. I still like to be liked, so I'll have to think it over. I don't want hatred pre novel release, or post, really.

I also want to mention that at the local fire hall on the way home from the doctor's, they have the funniest sign I've ever seen. I can not make heads or tails out of what the hell they're talking about and I originally saw this sign a good week ago, and I'm still wondering. I will share it with all of you. It says this exactly unless otherwise marked.

Annual Family Picnic 8-8-0G
Biddle Fairgrounds (Or park. It may have said park, but either way we'll address this in a hot second.)
Ootie says it's on.

First of all, I didn't know there was a date such as 8-8-0G, but now that I know, I will spread this information everywhere that I can and smirk each time I do it. I know that the sign has since been changed to say the proper date, but it's still funny. Second, I have no idea where there's a Biddle park or fairgrounds anywhere, so I'm taking it that it's actually someone's farm where there's room to run, because this whole sign seems to have a sense of humor, and the "family picnic" is only for the people at the fire hall and their families. They would understand this. Third, who or what is Ootie, and why do they say it's on? And what is it anyway? I'm left to assume that Ootie is a person since it can talk, but I'm still left to wonder who would name their kid Ootie, if it's a nickname, and what is on? I'm also left to wonder if his name is Ootie Biddle and the whole function just takes place at his farm in which he likes to refer to as a park or fairgrounds. Do you see how funny this is?

Let me just add that when you google Ootie, it comes up in the urban dictionary with the meaning of this. "New age pet word used when showing affection to one's significant other." (Well, technically it says "too," but I like to bring you the most proper grammar that one can, when I can. I know I slip up sometimes.) So are we now saying that a pet word of affection is saying it is on? Because if we are, this doesn't explain how an affection can talk, or what it is. I really want to know what it is.

I've also learned that Ootie is the name of a random German guy on Facebook, as well as some DJ who likes to put lots of money signs around his DJ name. This was all the further I could scroll without my brain exploding. I also googled Ootie Biddle, but got things that came up either Ootie or Biddle, but no hits for the combination. I would rule out his name being Ootie Biddle, but who's to say he even uses the net? With a name like that, I somehow picture an old guy who has no computer smarts and thinks the mouse would like cheese. I could be very wrong, though. It's happened before.

I would start on what I came up with for google searches on Biddle Park and / or fairgrounds, but we'd be picking up the brain matter of my exploding head for weeks. Also, I'd be dead, so I'm not even going to go there. I like being alive. It suits me well.

Later in the day I headed to Aunt Bev's house to help her finish setting up her Mac. I could get into this whole thing, but I will just say a few short words and move on. First, her husband...ooh he makes me want to tell him off sometimes. I went through and password protected all actions on her computer to keep him from deviously doing what he wants on there since he essentially wrecked her last computer. He then tells her he changed his password for his account on her computer. I knew this couldn't be true because I password locked everything with a password he didn't have so that he couldn't do so. He couldn't. The password is still the one I made him. He lied, but why? Why? Just why? I can't obviously wrap my head around this.

I showed Aunt Bev how to use iTunes, which meant putting some videos in her computer of our pets that she loves and adores. We watched them all after they uploaded. Aunt Bev likes my videos. This makes me all kinds of happy. I also think I may have gotten her into The Young Veins. See, she's super cool, kids. You should bow down to her coolness.

I also wanted to share some texts with you that came from the belly of 2:30 am last night when Becky couldn't sleep. I realize now that I go to grab my phone off of the coffee table that it is in my purse and I will have to go get it, so I will be right back. There will be a lovely time elapsement for my readers, as you will never know I'm gone, but you won't be forced to deal with the actual event of such. I shall just pick on up with the story on the next paragraph.

Let me just throw you the texts before I really explain my mind warp on this.

Becky: IDK if you're still up, but I figured I'd pass this along for lols. This book I read earlier today had 2 side characters named Jack and Sally, who eventually hooked up. All I could think of the whole time was The Nightmare Before Christmas and FOB singing "we can live like Jack and Sally."

(No, I do not edit for content. I also believe that the song we're thinking of is actually "I Miss You" by Blink 182, and Fall Out Boy did a cover of it, as neither of us can think of the song, but know the lyrics and know they came out of Patrick Stump at one time.)

Me: Wow. That's exactly what I thought of, too, when I read that. Totally the wrong names to use. Lol!

(Great minds think alike. What can I say? Okay, maybe disturbingly cool people with the same musical tastes think alike.)

Becky: I know! However, in her defense, she's British...although it should've transferred over there.

Me: Yeah, I mean that movie was major. Maybe she's a fan?

Becky: If so, then it's just funny.

Me: It kinda is, and in which case all I can imagine are claymations falling in love.

Becky: Lmao!

Me: I'm so tired that I'm imagining claymations skipping.

Becky: Lmao, uh oh! If it makes you feel any better, I WAS sleeping till my stomach threw a fit at me.

Me: Aww, no. That makes me feel sad that your stomach woke you, cause that's a sucky feeling. *Awkwardly hugs your stomach*

Becky. Lmao...er thanks...I think.

Me: Lmao! WELCOME!

I don't even know what's worse in this conversation, because there's so many things to pick from. For example, the fact that we went from talking about The Nightmare Before Christmas, to realizing we weren't really talking about that, but Fall Out Boy instead, then back to the movie, then to claymations, then to bodily issues, followed by awkward hugging and exciting welcoming sentiments towards a very scared response. There's just so much wrong with these few minutes of texting, and the topper on the cake is that these are totally normal conversations in my life. I thought nothing of it until today came along and I could not get the imagery of two claymations holding hands and skipping along in a field of claymation yellow flowers. That's when I knew this was a monumental conversation that must be shared.

And while these images were running through my head all day today and I didn't think things could get worse, and by worse I mean weirder, funnier and just plain more ADHD in general, SN and I started talking and proved that clearly I was wrong. I shall share some of the more important and pungent points of our conversation for your enjoyment. Please know that I can not be held responsible for scaring you or making you run far away from this post. You choose to read the rest of this blog at your own free will. It is not sexually explicit or any other R rated thing, it's just...well...you decide.

Also, I would like you all to know that both SN and I have compared my random ADHDness to the likes of Brendon Urie, so take that for what it is. She's not the first one to compare me, won't be the last. If he scares you, stop reading now. Just saying...we're two people with bad ADHD and at times it gets ugly.

The conversation started off normal enough. We were talking about wrought iron angel wings and tattoos. These two things do all go together in our world, but that soon led to this. While talking about getting tattooed, SN pointed something out to me and the conversation expanded rapidly until we had no control over where it was going.

SN: Now I just need my big girl panties.

(In reference to her being afraid to get a tattoo because of a feisty hatred for needles.)

Me: Mine finally came back to me, I think. I would share them with you but I'm concerned that, considering where they go, that might borderline just ever so softly on creepy.

(If you all remember, a few posts back I talked about losing my big girl panties, and a talk my friend had with me concerning that.)

SN: Yeah, just a little creepy. I'm sure they're nice, but I really don't want that.

Me: And I would help you find yours, but that just crosses a whole lot of unchartered, fumbling in the dark sounding territory that won't go over well, even if it is totally innocent and it's not an after sex thing.

(Don't tell me that doesn't sound dirty. If you can do it with a straight face I'll give you six bucks and a mint, as well as some Pixie Sticks that you surely need to help you have a sense of dirty humor, but I know you can't.)

SN: Exactly!

Me: So I have to tell you, I'm sorry that you lost your big girl panties, but I do hope you find them since really there is nothing society will let me do without making a big ordeal out of it, big enough that I'll have to blog about it, then everyone will know.

(Being polite is always the key. My mom taught me right.)

SN: LOL!

Me: I should probably blog this. No one would be surprised, lol!

SN: Probably, and I wouldn't be either.

Me: LMAO, damn! You're used to me already. Must devise new level of crazy.

(I really must. Rare is it that people get used to me.)

SN: HAHA! I love our conversations.

Me: I do, too. We're just like a live, real time action blog. It's kind of fantastic.

SN: It is.

From here we went into a conversation about how I had randomly exciting news that may be only mildly exciting , and how I'm happy I remembered it in the morning. We also talked about how we're crazy, but pretty girls always are so it works out, and then got into a song having to do with this, but I'll refrain from getting into that.

From there we had a conversation about YouTube and how it's slow at loading videos. This was, no pun intended, a loaded conversation that went wayward fast.

SN: Why does YouTube take so long to upload?

Me: I don't know. It's those gnomes that live inside of it. Sometimes they take naps during their shifts and the other gnomes that aren't napping and work there are at home, so they don't know and wake them. And the gnomes that are there and do know, don't tell on them or wake them because they want to take a nap later and expect the same courtesy.

Enough said.

Then came FlyGate 09. Easily explained, I had a fly that wouldn't stop flying around me, landing on me, landing on my screen, and in general making me think he was trying to rape me. I had had it. I wanted him to go far, far away to land where people liked flies and flies hated people, so people would be trying to catch him so that they could love up a fly as much as one can, and he'd be in hell trying to run away from it.

Me: At least he'll be dead in two days, so what's the worst that can happen, right?

(Cut out some unnecessary confusing content from another convo.)

SN: Buzz in your ear and wake you up? I hate that fly.

Me: Me too. I hope it meets an early termination. And I know that sounds really mean, but damn, there's like 6 billion other people on the planet he could borrow, times that by like three and you have the amount of computer screens he could land on, and he picks mine. Now it's bugging Greta. I draw the line at bugging my dog.

SN: Aww! What're you going to do?

Me: I dont know. Greta, I think, ate it. She snapped at it and it left, so I don't know if she got it or not. She wasn't chewing, but he's gone for now.

Look, folks, whatever went on between Greta and that fly is their business. I'll just have you know that the fly is now gone and has not come back. It's been more than an hour, so knock on wood it's stupid ass stays gone and Greta is my hero. Period. My dog...she so needs a cape. She could be SD, which would equate to Super Dog, or SCC, which is Super Chow Chow. Or she could come up with her own name in which I will sew on the cape that I won't make her wear until the weather cools off, because she's hot enough already. I really don't care, as long as she gets a Super cape.

We then got into talking about the novel I'm writing. I am a visual writer. I talk about my chapters like they were scenes in a movie, and if I can not visualize it, I can not write it. I have to find pictures of people who look like the character I have in my head does and save them just for a reference. I have to make things come to life. At one time my mom and I had talked about the whole what if my book becomes a movie. Okay, more than once, and I had thought this out and chose who I wanted to play my characters just because I could do it and it was fun to do. It also fed my visual curiosity. So while talking to SN today we came across this same convo, in which I expressed my adoration for Selena Gomez, and how she can pull off characters that are inappropriately witty and lovable all at the same time. Therefore, she had to be my girl lead even though now she is seven years too young. The following ensued.

Me: If my book would become a movie she would have to play girl lead. I would wait until she was old enough, but she'd have to play her.

SN: Wow. That's pretty awesome.

Me: And Brendon (Urie, Panic! At the Disco, and he'd have to cut his hair to look more like this. I just grabbed the most recent picture I could.) would have to be my male lead. I'm fairly sure that kid lives under the fountain of youth anyway, so they should look about the same age when she's 23. Or even like 20...she could pull it off at 20. And I'd even tone down the character a little for her because she's just that cute and that perfect for the part.

Look, kiddos, I know that the chances of my book being published are far better than the chances of it being made into a movie, but it is fun to dream and I am allowed. Besides, Selena and Brendon would be cute together in a movie, assuming Brendon can act. I'm sure they will look the same age in seven years for some unforeseen reason, and besides that, Selena was already in a movie with a guy twice her age, and they even kissed and no one ever knew. So see, it could work.

This is in around the time that we had a conversation about a certain celebrity whose neice looked like his love child, and how we swear he had this kid really young and then said he was a virgin to cover it up. I will not even mention the celebrity and go into the insanity of this, but if you see the kid, and then his siblings, it makes no sense for this kid to belong to anyone but him. He's the only one she looks like.

Last but not least we discussed an Anime show to which SN had made a small movie about on YouTube. I've never really watched anime, so all I knew about it was what I learned from the video. This was obviousy bad but funny, and slightly inappropriate.

Me: Dude, when people die in that anime show, they just turn into bubbles and fly away. That has to save on funeral costs.

That convo later turned into this one. I'm pretty sure we are now talking about a different Anime show, but I can't be sure.

SN: I love the warning labels people come up with for one of my favorite series.

(She sent me a link, and in this link it talked about how they should not warn about violence because, although the girl stabs people in the series, no one bleeds. This is perplexing to me. Obviously.)

Me: NOBODY EVEN BLEEDS! AHAHA, BUT DO THEY DIE? That's what I wanna know. Do they die?

SN: Actually, they don't.

Me: WOW! Holy shit! They dont bleed or die! ! wanna live there!

SN: And they don't have to grow up until they wanna leave.

Me: It's like Peter Pan in anime.

SN: Only where everyone has mental/sexual issues. And princes are evil. Well, not really evil,
but named after the morning star.

Me: I am so confused, lol!

SN: Watching doesn't help. I've seen it 3+ times and still have questions, but clearly that's normal. But it's a great show. Just confusing, with lots and lots of symbolism and things that don't make sense but will later. Maybe.

Me: Wow, I so feel the need to watch this show. It sounds like its right up my ally.

The sad thing is, there was no sarcasm there. Even though I'm not an Anime fan, I have to see this. I just do. I really, really do.

These are the days, people. I love my life and my friends are amazing. I am also loving myself this song right now, although it's stuck in my head and I can't bang it out. I'm not complaining, though. If you thought you've heard this song before, you would be correct and the original can become your friend here.