I Don't Kiss and Bail

For those of you who have been following my blog for the past few weeks, you'll know that I recently felt heartbroken. I picked myself pretty quickly, but found that I was just covering the wound, not letting it air out and heal. I have been fine all day until about a half an hour ago and then I found myself crying and can't quite grasp why.

Then I realized that I knew...

I have always been and will always be the girl that guys want to make out with and sleep with, but don't actually want to date. This has been my experience in life, and although I'm not dumb enough to fall for it, it's extremely lonely. Sometimes I get so lonely that I wonder if I should throw caution to the wind and just have one night, but I would never, ever do that. It's not who I am or will ever be.

Inside of me is this hopeless romantic, the girl who doesn't want to be with anyone unless she's in a relationship, or make out with anyone unless it's going there, or has the possibility to. I've had my heart hurt too many times by people who were my friends, people I trusted. It's not worth it to me.

I don't think you can kiss someone, I mean really kiss someone, unless there's some kind of feelings there. I guess maybe that's just how I see it, because I'm not a typical girl. I have to have a reason for everything and I don't give my heart away easily. Right now, I'm not giving it away at all.

When someone tells you that they just want to make out with you and you have no interest in this person but still find yourself hurt, there's a problem. I don't know what to do. I am happy with who I am which is all that counts, but I don't know why I'm not finding the right guys. I want a guy who wants to at least date and see what could happen from there. I'm not asking for a commitment, or for anything other than a date. I just don't want to be that girl you make out with and throw away. Nothing good can come from that.

And it will never be fair to me if I think it can.