Insane Asylums Have Less Crazy

Today felt a little better than it has in awhile. I was swiftly reminded of my life, or more so, how insanely crazy it is. Sadly, today felt right amongst the chaos. This post will be a little bit more about random incidents than one big story, but it's worth it.

I'll give a little bit of a background on my life. I have one aunt in particular, named Bev, who is not really my aunt. She is a better aunt to me than my real one will ever be, has been there for me more, and is one of the most amazingly awesome people I know. If anyone knows how awesome my eighty one year old grandmother who still swears at people is, think her only twenty years younger, and she loves the brand Skelanimals. Sometimes, she even buys her clothes from Hot Topic and they do not look stupid on her. Oh yeah, we're talking a whole lot of awesome.

Aunt Bev came over today, which is always the most interesting thing to happen to me, especially when my mom is around. They've known each other for over thirty years, and the two of them honestly act like sisters, or scarier, an old married couple. It's hilarious and frustrating at the very same time. Becky 1 agrees, you can ask her. Sometimes I like when it's just Aunt Bev and me, but others it's okay to sit back and watch the insanity that develops between she and my mom. Just so you can realize the pure insanity that is these two, I will tell you all a quick story.

Many moons ago, we're talking before I was born, mom and Aunt Bev decided to take a trip together to New York City, neither of them having ever been there. Now, had either of them had family that paid much attention to them, they would have given them a speech that can also apply to doing drugs. Just say no. This was obviously a recipe for disaster.

During their first day in New York they managed to get in good with the mob. Apparently somehow, and I'm unsure of the entire story, they met someone who offered them somewhere to stay for free and they, being them, took him up on the offer. I'm not sure how this came about, but he must not have been a total stranger for them to do this. I'm almost thinking he was a friend of Bev's cousin, but I'm unsure. Turns out, he lived in the middle of a street run by the mob. He introduced the two of them to his mob friends, told them that they were good with him, and the mob, in turn, told them that they had their backs. Do you see what kind of trouble these two are?

To add to that, they were walking down the street one day and Aunt Bev got behind, as she often does. My mom heard something so she turned to look at her, only to see that a man was holding a knife to her throat yelling "give me all your money or I'll slit your throat." What does Aunt Bev say?

"Pardon me, what did you say?" To this day she insists that she honestly had no idea what he was saying, despite him having a knife to her throat.

My mom freaked out, ran back, grabbed her, yelled out "I told you NOT to talk to strangers" and drug her away, leaving the guy who was trying to rob her standing there with a knife, befuddled. This is what I am dealing with here people. It's no wonder I have the stories today that I do.

Bev got here around one and we all collaborated and realized we were hungry. This was easy enough except it started a six minute debate between my mom and Aunt Bev over pizza. Neither could decide what they wanted, and then when they did, they couldn't decide if they wanted to get pop at Sheetz across the street where they had to get out of the car and go in, or spend the extra dollar and get it at Pizza Hut with the pizza. Our Pizza Hut does not deliver, btw. When they did finally decide, they made me call for the pizza, only to start debating all over again while I'm trying to put in the order, making me stop, tell them to decide or I was ordering whatever, and then finally getting the pizza ordered. Ordering pizza should never be this hard. You would think it was rocket surgery or something.

From there a computer talk exploded all over the place. Aunt Bev was having mondo issues with her computer, which ended in me physically going to her house and spending four hours fixing it, but it works. It's old, and I deleted more worms than what crawl through soil on a daily basis, but it's working. This was more than it was doing this morning. During those four hours though, it was chaos at the aunt's.

Aunt Bev has a habit of being a pack rat. Her house is often difficult to walk through, and most of the time you can't find a place to sit, but it's clean. Ironic, I know. She saves more stuff than she needs to, doesn't know what she has, and never knows where anything is. My mom was in the midst of fixing her vacuum when she asked Aunt Bev for a flashlight. Her face turned to glee as she cried out "I KNOW WHERE THAT IS!" My mom and I both cheered. Yes, it was that big of a moment.

The vacuum in itself was clogged, so my mom and Aunt Bev had the genius idea to get out a hand vacuum and suck everything that was clogging the first vacuum out of it with the hand vacuum. They finally realized what a bad idea that was, but I was willing to see them try it.

I was minding my own business when Aunt Bev walks into the room where I'm fixing the computer and exclaims "Your mother and I decided that we should get married. We'd be the perfect couple. Your mom loves to organize and I don't. We argue, but we never fight and have been friends for so long. It seems perfect." Neither are lesbians and I also pointed out that, at the moment, there's not really a state that has legalized gay and lesbian marriages. Aunt Bev said, and I quote, "Oh, it doesn't matter if it's legal or not. It's not like we're going to have sex." Well, thank God, because that just makes everything better. *Eye roll*

Speaking of them not being lesbians, everyone thinks they are for whatever reason. I think it's because they used to go house hunting together all the time for the simple reason that they like to neb in other people's houses. Despite the fact that Aunt Bev has a wedding ring, people still thought this. To top it off, the two of them would put my name on the registry list for the realtors, and I would get tons of calls from realtors asking me if I was still interested in their house. I never went with them, so this annoyed me. Finally, I started saying to realtors that would call, "oh, my moms must have came and looked at your house. They're such nice people." I haven't gotten a call from a realtor in over eight months.

Later, while the computer was in hour two of running a virus scan, Aunt Bev happened to reach over to grab something off of a coffee table only to find a men's underwear catalog under it. This resulted in my mom and her discussing the men, the underwear, and rating both. In their defense, they did point out a pair of underwear that tied up the front and were very disturbing. They showed them to me. From that moment on I made it point to play with the matryoshka doll on the stand beside me.

I was blowing my nose while fixing the computer and my mom walks in and asks me what I'm eating. I have no idea what the heck that was all about.

I noticed that a pen that was sitting next to me on Bev's desk said, "this pen was STOLEN from Larry J Lint Carpeting." I laughed and commented on how that was a clever way to market themselves, putting a saying like that on a pen. Aunt Bev replied with "No, they weren't free. I actually did steal it, but not on purpose. I just forgot to give it back when I was done with it." Figures.

Becky 1 is frightened of my "family," and upon me telling her these few things, she pointed it out to me. This coming from the girl who I had a conversation with about the song "Come On Get Higher" by Sugarland. See previous blog for more info.

Today I learned I have a serious pet peeve for people who text me but can not spell to save their lives, even the simplest of words. I also have an issue with people who leave out vowels, or send you a text that makes them sound like they are brain dead. The text "Duno why" was a pretty good example of that. At least spell dunno correctly, please? (No offense.)

That is all for now, I hope. The song for the day is Ashes and Wine by A Fine Frenzy off of her debut album One Cell In the Sea. I sung it in repeat while fixing the computer today. Fun fact: her real name is Alison Sudol.