Sometimes I find myself stuck in a gloriously sad attempt to piece together what my life is, what it's become. Other times, it all makes sense and I don't understand why. It's just a bunch of pieces, like a puzzle. Some light, some dark, all representing one big picture. I haven't even begun to put it all together. New pieces are being created everyday, and that's the way I like it.
I hadn't actually intended on writing again today, but I really want to tell some kind of story, have some actual post. There's a lot of stories I've been in between posting for awhile now, because I have crazy things happen in my life, but there's a lot of stories I don't want to tell either. My goal on this blog is not to put anyone else down, or say bad things about anyone who is or has been in my life, it's only to tell the truth. Regardless, some stories I can not tell without making the person seem like a monster, so I'll try to steer clear of those and think out some fabulous story that I can tell without hurting or exposing anyone else.
I have a really inappropriate family, let's start there. We can make a scene or spectacle out of anything, even though we don't try. It's just the nature of the beast, I guess.
There's things I know about myself. One thing is that I'm unpredictable. Even I can't totally trust myself when put in certain situations. The other thing is that I am a good woman. I don't drink, do drugs, act out, all the normal things that would deter people from believing in you. Yet, through all of that, I am outspoken and often misunderstood, but if I'm okay with who I am, and I don't say anything mean or intentionally try to hurt anyone, I think that's okay.
I wonder sometimes if anyone is really going to understand me, really get me, want to be with me, and accept who I am. On the flip side, I won't change who I am for anyone else, because I am completely content and happy with the woman I've become. Sure, I don't understand everything, but I'm growing into who I'm supposed to be, and I know that. I'm confident in that, but also careful not to take one step wrong and land in a very deep, dark place. If someone can't accept me for me, are they really worth being with? No, they're not. Even still, I don't want to die alone, no one does, but I believe the right person will come along even though sometimes it feels as if that's never going to happen.
I was the girl who never had much luck with guys, especially in school. I was the so called "geek" but I was smart, and kept to myself, and never really made it more than two months in high school before getting sick. That's another story for another time.
Everyone always thought that I was the kind of girl who would find someone and that would be it, he would be the one. I even thought that, I honestly believed it, and when I hadn't even had my first date until I was twenty, you would think that I still thought that way, but I didn't. I knew the guy was all kinds of wrong for me, but I just wanted to date, to have fun. Do I regret it? No, it helped me find out more about who I was with someone else so when the right guy does come along, I'll be ready.
All that being said, I've never really been on a real date, or have had a real boyfriend. I've "gone out" with guys out of convenience, for fun and to learn, but each time I really did try to make the best out of it and put my all into it, but they were not the right people. Nothing lost, nothing gained, and no regrets on my end. I can't wait until the right person does come along, because now I know who I am with someone, now I am ready. My fears are less and less, but I wasn't always so fearless.
Growing up, I didn't have the best father. To say that is a huge understatement, and I know that this cuts into not putting anyone else down, but this is the truth, and I am not saying anything about him that isn't true or didn't actually happened. He went to work and that's all he did. He didn't contribute to the family, didn't help around the house, didn't do things with me or my mom, and changed jobs all the time. When he left, it was a relief.
I didn't take his leaving very hard, because the yelling stopped, and it was one less person to be afraid of. For me, I always kind of knew it was coming, even from the time I was really little. Him being gone felt natural, but it also left a void and nothing made sense.
He came back into my life months down the road, but only after my mother went to court to fight for child support off of him, as he never tried to fight for custody of me. I was glad, and still remain totally okay with this fact. Once he had to pay out money though, he wanted to do things with me. By do I mean he would pick me up, take me to some junky place where he was living, buy me stuff, and then go off with a new girl every weekend and ignore me. It sucked big time, but the courts said that if he wanted to have me on weekends, he got me. Once I was thirteen, this stopped immediately. I was old enough to make my own decision and I did.
When I was thirteen, he came in on Christmas day to have the morning with just me and my mom, but this year was different. Instead of staying, when my mom asked him to take off his shoes, he yelled, turned around, left, and we've never seen him again. This was the best day of my life.
I've seen too much in the thirteen years that I knew him. I've heard too much. More recently I had seen him batter his girlfriends physically and emotionally with anything he could find lying around, and I was too scared to say anything. I lived with that fear, even though at the time I didn't realize it, I definitely did. When he left that Christmas I knew he was gone for good, and I was finally free from all of that.
When I was eighteen, he sent your basic fuck you birthday card stating that he didn't have to pay child support and how cool that really was for him. Grow up. There was also a letter attached for my mom which basically bitched her out for never letting me be part of his life. Funny thing, he's the one who didn't call after he took off that Christmas, and he's the one who never cared. In a way, that letter was to me too, because I was the one who chose to stay away from him. I was the one who hoped and prayed that he wouldn't call and that he would just go away. God works in mysterious ways, but sometimes they're obvious. Thank you.
For years I wondered why this happened to me, why my life turned out this way, and why my father did this to me. It affected everything in my life, but especially my relationships and my choice in men. You should have seen the guys I picked, and the sad things is, I even knew when I was dating them that they weren't good guys. I didn't like who I was when I was with them, yet I stayed with them because I felt like I needed that attention.
That's when I realized something very special. Yes, I was a victim, but I am only a victim as long as I allow myself to be one. There comes a day where you have to take a stand and say, fuck this, enough is enough, and yes, that language is necessary to really give you the right grip you need to puff yourself up and take charge. This is not an easy thing, and it takes a long time to get yourself back together, to piece together the parts of the puzzle from your past, but you have to start somewhere, and admitting that you had a problem and that you're going to fix it, is the first step to really doing so. When everything is pieced together, it feels so damn good.
I don't hate or regret anything that happened in my life anymore, and I don't wonder why. If all those things didn't happen with my father, I wouldn't be the woman I am today, a woman who is strong, and one I am proud to be. If it wasn't for my father I wouldn't have dated the boys whom I did, make the mistakes that I did, and launch into this journey to find myself like I did.
After the last boyfriend I had, I realized that there was a reason I was picking up the guys that I was, especially knowing from the get-go that they weren't really guys I needed to be with. I was also rejecting guys that I knew I should be with to go out with the other kind of guys, or I was doing everything I could to scare them away. I knew there was a reason and that it wasn't just the guys. Sure, the guys may not have been the best guys in the world, but I still strove to make things work with them even when I knew the "relationship" we had was a farce, because I was never really into it, and they had never taken me out on a real date. There had to be a reason that this was happening, and I knew that it was something inside of myself.
In the last two years, I've twisted my own emotions and heart inside out and emptied everything I knew in front of me until I couldn't lie or hide anything from myself anymore. Essentially, that's what I was doing, and in hiding from myself, I wasn't letting anyone else see me either. This was causing me to pull in the kind of people that I didn't need in my life, and although that still happens, it's in a much different way, on a much different caliber, because I know now that there will always be those kind of people in your life that will find you and stick onto you like a leech in an attempt to take you down. It's human nature, but if you really know who you are and your own strength, they won't succeed.
I'm not perfect, far from it, but who is? As long as I understand who I am and why I do the things I do, what makes me tick, what makes me cause the actions that have such painful reactions, then I will always be okay. I now know that I do understand all of those things about myself. I also know that I won't always make the right decisions, but when I don't, that I will be able to figure out why, and then fix that part of myself that incorrectly defaulted me into believing that what I did was okay, or the way I let someone else treat me was also okay, because it wasn't.
We all believe that things are others faults, that the way someone treats us is, or the things that happen to us are, but that's not true. We have the tools we need inside of us to alter the way things play out. Sometimes it's as easy as saying no and walking away, and sometimes it's not. Am I saying that the people who get raped, beaten, or taken out of nowhere while going about their daily routines are to blame? Absolutely not, and sometimes the only thing we can control is what we do after something like that happens. That's what makes us who we are, and we all have the tools inside of us to get through everything that is thrown our way. I really do believe that.
In the past two years I've learned that everything happens for a reason, and we may not always understand the reasoning at first, but if you give it time, it will become known. If you give it time, you will learn how to piece things back together and find your way.
So what has my unexpected life given me? It's given me hope, the know how to use what's already inside of me, and a bright light showing me exactly who I am. I will continue to make mistakes, to fall down, to cry, and to blame others for actions that I chose to take, but when the storm clears I will be able to dry out those puzzle pieces, put them where they belong, and continue to make new ones.
So I will always be the girl who laughs at the wrong time, the one who gets butterflies in her stomach a lot, cries more than most girls should, likes really bad movies, sleeps alone, loves her dogs, doesn't always understand others, is too cynical and critical at times, and doesn't always take time to stop and smell the roses. But I will also continue to be the girl who loves too much, gets hurt too often because of it, isn't afraid to try something new, isn't afraid to fall down, knows how to grieve and has trouble letting things go. I am not fearless by textbook standards, but fearless is a relative term. Understanding yourself and not being afraid to put yourself out there only to get hurt, to me, that's fearless. Being afraid, but still pushing through, that's fearless.
Knowing who you are is fearless.
You are not perfect, that's fearless.
You will make mistakes....you're fearless.
Most of all, not letting yourself be a victim, getting the help you need, finding yourself through the darkest of hours, even if it takes years and a lot of therapy, and a lot of sweat and tears, and doing whatever you can to take precedence on the person who made you that victim is BEAUTIFULLY FEARLESS.
YOU are fearless.
Believe that!
I hadn't actually intended on writing again today, but I really want to tell some kind of story, have some actual post. There's a lot of stories I've been in between posting for awhile now, because I have crazy things happen in my life, but there's a lot of stories I don't want to tell either. My goal on this blog is not to put anyone else down, or say bad things about anyone who is or has been in my life, it's only to tell the truth. Regardless, some stories I can not tell without making the person seem like a monster, so I'll try to steer clear of those and think out some fabulous story that I can tell without hurting or exposing anyone else.
I have a really inappropriate family, let's start there. We can make a scene or spectacle out of anything, even though we don't try. It's just the nature of the beast, I guess.
There's things I know about myself. One thing is that I'm unpredictable. Even I can't totally trust myself when put in certain situations. The other thing is that I am a good woman. I don't drink, do drugs, act out, all the normal things that would deter people from believing in you. Yet, through all of that, I am outspoken and often misunderstood, but if I'm okay with who I am, and I don't say anything mean or intentionally try to hurt anyone, I think that's okay.
I wonder sometimes if anyone is really going to understand me, really get me, want to be with me, and accept who I am. On the flip side, I won't change who I am for anyone else, because I am completely content and happy with the woman I've become. Sure, I don't understand everything, but I'm growing into who I'm supposed to be, and I know that. I'm confident in that, but also careful not to take one step wrong and land in a very deep, dark place. If someone can't accept me for me, are they really worth being with? No, they're not. Even still, I don't want to die alone, no one does, but I believe the right person will come along even though sometimes it feels as if that's never going to happen.
I was the girl who never had much luck with guys, especially in school. I was the so called "geek" but I was smart, and kept to myself, and never really made it more than two months in high school before getting sick. That's another story for another time.
Everyone always thought that I was the kind of girl who would find someone and that would be it, he would be the one. I even thought that, I honestly believed it, and when I hadn't even had my first date until I was twenty, you would think that I still thought that way, but I didn't. I knew the guy was all kinds of wrong for me, but I just wanted to date, to have fun. Do I regret it? No, it helped me find out more about who I was with someone else so when the right guy does come along, I'll be ready.
All that being said, I've never really been on a real date, or have had a real boyfriend. I've "gone out" with guys out of convenience, for fun and to learn, but each time I really did try to make the best out of it and put my all into it, but they were not the right people. Nothing lost, nothing gained, and no regrets on my end. I can't wait until the right person does come along, because now I know who I am with someone, now I am ready. My fears are less and less, but I wasn't always so fearless.
Growing up, I didn't have the best father. To say that is a huge understatement, and I know that this cuts into not putting anyone else down, but this is the truth, and I am not saying anything about him that isn't true or didn't actually happened. He went to work and that's all he did. He didn't contribute to the family, didn't help around the house, didn't do things with me or my mom, and changed jobs all the time. When he left, it was a relief.
I didn't take his leaving very hard, because the yelling stopped, and it was one less person to be afraid of. For me, I always kind of knew it was coming, even from the time I was really little. Him being gone felt natural, but it also left a void and nothing made sense.
He came back into my life months down the road, but only after my mother went to court to fight for child support off of him, as he never tried to fight for custody of me. I was glad, and still remain totally okay with this fact. Once he had to pay out money though, he wanted to do things with me. By do I mean he would pick me up, take me to some junky place where he was living, buy me stuff, and then go off with a new girl every weekend and ignore me. It sucked big time, but the courts said that if he wanted to have me on weekends, he got me. Once I was thirteen, this stopped immediately. I was old enough to make my own decision and I did.
When I was thirteen, he came in on Christmas day to have the morning with just me and my mom, but this year was different. Instead of staying, when my mom asked him to take off his shoes, he yelled, turned around, left, and we've never seen him again. This was the best day of my life.
I've seen too much in the thirteen years that I knew him. I've heard too much. More recently I had seen him batter his girlfriends physically and emotionally with anything he could find lying around, and I was too scared to say anything. I lived with that fear, even though at the time I didn't realize it, I definitely did. When he left that Christmas I knew he was gone for good, and I was finally free from all of that.
When I was eighteen, he sent your basic fuck you birthday card stating that he didn't have to pay child support and how cool that really was for him. Grow up. There was also a letter attached for my mom which basically bitched her out for never letting me be part of his life. Funny thing, he's the one who didn't call after he took off that Christmas, and he's the one who never cared. In a way, that letter was to me too, because I was the one who chose to stay away from him. I was the one who hoped and prayed that he wouldn't call and that he would just go away. God works in mysterious ways, but sometimes they're obvious. Thank you.
For years I wondered why this happened to me, why my life turned out this way, and why my father did this to me. It affected everything in my life, but especially my relationships and my choice in men. You should have seen the guys I picked, and the sad things is, I even knew when I was dating them that they weren't good guys. I didn't like who I was when I was with them, yet I stayed with them because I felt like I needed that attention.
That's when I realized something very special. Yes, I was a victim, but I am only a victim as long as I allow myself to be one. There comes a day where you have to take a stand and say, fuck this, enough is enough, and yes, that language is necessary to really give you the right grip you need to puff yourself up and take charge. This is not an easy thing, and it takes a long time to get yourself back together, to piece together the parts of the puzzle from your past, but you have to start somewhere, and admitting that you had a problem and that you're going to fix it, is the first step to really doing so. When everything is pieced together, it feels so damn good.
I don't hate or regret anything that happened in my life anymore, and I don't wonder why. If all those things didn't happen with my father, I wouldn't be the woman I am today, a woman who is strong, and one I am proud to be. If it wasn't for my father I wouldn't have dated the boys whom I did, make the mistakes that I did, and launch into this journey to find myself like I did.
After the last boyfriend I had, I realized that there was a reason I was picking up the guys that I was, especially knowing from the get-go that they weren't really guys I needed to be with. I was also rejecting guys that I knew I should be with to go out with the other kind of guys, or I was doing everything I could to scare them away. I knew there was a reason and that it wasn't just the guys. Sure, the guys may not have been the best guys in the world, but I still strove to make things work with them even when I knew the "relationship" we had was a farce, because I was never really into it, and they had never taken me out on a real date. There had to be a reason that this was happening, and I knew that it was something inside of myself.
In the last two years, I've twisted my own emotions and heart inside out and emptied everything I knew in front of me until I couldn't lie or hide anything from myself anymore. Essentially, that's what I was doing, and in hiding from myself, I wasn't letting anyone else see me either. This was causing me to pull in the kind of people that I didn't need in my life, and although that still happens, it's in a much different way, on a much different caliber, because I know now that there will always be those kind of people in your life that will find you and stick onto you like a leech in an attempt to take you down. It's human nature, but if you really know who you are and your own strength, they won't succeed.
I'm not perfect, far from it, but who is? As long as I understand who I am and why I do the things I do, what makes me tick, what makes me cause the actions that have such painful reactions, then I will always be okay. I now know that I do understand all of those things about myself. I also know that I won't always make the right decisions, but when I don't, that I will be able to figure out why, and then fix that part of myself that incorrectly defaulted me into believing that what I did was okay, or the way I let someone else treat me was also okay, because it wasn't.
We all believe that things are others faults, that the way someone treats us is, or the things that happen to us are, but that's not true. We have the tools we need inside of us to alter the way things play out. Sometimes it's as easy as saying no and walking away, and sometimes it's not. Am I saying that the people who get raped, beaten, or taken out of nowhere while going about their daily routines are to blame? Absolutely not, and sometimes the only thing we can control is what we do after something like that happens. That's what makes us who we are, and we all have the tools inside of us to get through everything that is thrown our way. I really do believe that.
In the past two years I've learned that everything happens for a reason, and we may not always understand the reasoning at first, but if you give it time, it will become known. If you give it time, you will learn how to piece things back together and find your way.
So what has my unexpected life given me? It's given me hope, the know how to use what's already inside of me, and a bright light showing me exactly who I am. I will continue to make mistakes, to fall down, to cry, and to blame others for actions that I chose to take, but when the storm clears I will be able to dry out those puzzle pieces, put them where they belong, and continue to make new ones.
So I will always be the girl who laughs at the wrong time, the one who gets butterflies in her stomach a lot, cries more than most girls should, likes really bad movies, sleeps alone, loves her dogs, doesn't always understand others, is too cynical and critical at times, and doesn't always take time to stop and smell the roses. But I will also continue to be the girl who loves too much, gets hurt too often because of it, isn't afraid to try something new, isn't afraid to fall down, knows how to grieve and has trouble letting things go. I am not fearless by textbook standards, but fearless is a relative term. Understanding yourself and not being afraid to put yourself out there only to get hurt, to me, that's fearless. Being afraid, but still pushing through, that's fearless.
Knowing who you are is fearless.
You are not perfect, that's fearless.
You will make mistakes....you're fearless.
Most of all, not letting yourself be a victim, getting the help you need, finding yourself through the darkest of hours, even if it takes years and a lot of therapy, and a lot of sweat and tears, and doing whatever you can to take precedence on the person who made you that victim is BEAUTIFULLY FEARLESS.
YOU are fearless.
Believe that!
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