Older Than Your Daughter

I started out my weekend by getting hit on by a sixteen year old that didn't believe I was twenty five. How was your weekend?

Yeah, guys, that happened. But before I get ahead of myself, let me tell you about the ridiculousness that lead to that ridiculousness. If you think this post is going to be void of a severe amount of ridiculousness, you are wrong, my fine Squirrel Monkeys. Friday night, in fact, served as just a warning for how ridiculous the upcoming weekend and the beginning of the week was going to become. I should listen to these bizarre warnings, but I never do.

Friday night started out with a bang, and by a bang, I mean my friend asked me to go with her and do what all good single twenty five year olds do on a Friday night. She asked me to go to Bingo at the fire hall, naturally. I was a little sketch about going, but I decided to throw caution to the wind and have a wild night out. Heck, there was even someone going I didn't know, so with that in mind, I packed up my purse with jolly ranchers and cookies to make sure I could officially be considered a stranger with candy, and set off on my merry adventure. I even grabbed the keys to the right car the first time and didn't have to go back to the house, so I was golden, right?

Wrong. I arrived at the location just a mere three miles from my house and realized that I never knew there was a library there. I've lived here for nearly fourteen years and I do read, contrary to how this sounds. I parked on the wrong end of the building, but met up with my friend and the stranger, and then promptly presented her with candy and went through my whole stranger with candy bit. She was not amused, nor did she accept stranger candy. Her parents taught her well, but I was sinking already and the night hadn't even begun.

We made it to the fire hall, which was also having a carnival. The fire hall itself is bigger than the carnival area, so there were a few rides and games, but it was super cute. We walked around the whole thing, which was really tiring since it took us a whole thirty two seconds, and then went inside to play Bingo. And that's when we realized it; our idea of Bingo was not everyone else's. The people playing looked like death was favorable, and as we stood around and waited to get into the next game, we realized the lady calling the numbers would just randomly yell "new game," but no one had yelled Bingo. It was like they were just filling up their cards and getting new ones. Seeing as this was a dud, we headed back outside to talk to some of my friend's friends who were volunteer firefighters there.

As she was talking to her friends and I was just kind of hanging out, I happened to catch her telling one of the two guys running a booth a story that sounded like my own. I listened in because I'm a creep, and I realized she was telling him about me. He then proceeded to hit on me. He kept clearly making up ages for himself while my friend yelled, "YOU'RE NOT THAT OLD!" Because I realized early on he was clearly pretty young, it was actually quite amusing. I didn't know if I should have been flattered or not that a younger guy was hitting on me, but then he didn't believe I was twenty five, so I still couldn't make up my mind. The normal age people guess I am is between seventeen and nineteen, so this wasn't a shock, it's just that when you're twenty five, it becomes a little hazardous to be thought to be that young. However, when I'm much older and people think I'm much younger, I'm so taking that compliment and not correcting them.

As I turned down his hysterical but sweet attempt to pick me up, and we decided after less than an hour that the whole night was a bust, we headed off toward our parked cars, only for me to be told that the kid was actually sixteen. I have two things to say to this: I still got it and I like much older guys. My friend had one: "Don't go anywhere in Vegas alone. You'll end up as part of a child sex ring." I wish that sounded like it wasn't at all plausible.

I figure this night couldn't get any weirder, but just in case it changed its mind, I decided to head home from my completely insane hour out at the carnival at the fire hall. This was a good choice, because just as I turned on my road, the weirdest thing happened. Some lady was pulled over to the side of the road with her hazard flashers are, an older male teenager in the back seat and a younger girl in the front. She proceeds to start screaming at me at the top of her lungs, waving her hands, running out in front of my car, and trying to get me to stop. You guys all know how I am, and I knew something just wasn't right about her behavior. Not only that, but there were plenty of houses around she could have gone to for help, all with cars in their driveways, and don't tell me she nor the male teenager didn't have a cell phone of some sort. It was just that eery feeling when you know something is wrong. Normally I would have stopped and left my doors locked, but wound down the window a little and asked her what was wrong, and then gone home and called for help. But the way she was trying to stop me when everyone looked fine, and the feeling I had in the pit of my stomach caused me to keep going. I hope she was fine, but again, there were plenty of places she could have gone for help, plus, there were open businesses she could have gone to, which is what made it so weird that she was waving me down in that manner.

Nothing exciting happened for the rest of the night, so that pretty much ended the night that set the tone for the rest of my insane weekend and week to come. And if this is just a taste of it, I think you'll have to excuse me while I sleep through the rest of the week silently.

Saturday rolled around, and my day started off with me deciding to take being a stranger with candy into a different day, and also with my mom randomly calling me Squeaky Fromme. Apparently I was part of the Manson Family and tried to assassinate President Ford all before I was born, and didn't even know it. Isn't it amazing what you find out about yourself?

With my new identity behind me, we headed out to an old nearby town that was doing reenactments of court cases from the late 1700s. We figured this would either be really neat or really boring. Guys, it was the funniest thing ever. They didn't have a lot of volunteers, so the one guy played the bad guy all the time. Plus, they placed volunteers to be hecklers in the audience, and we were also allowed to heckle. Even though there weren't a lot of volunteers, there were still more of them than us, so we had a blast. The highlights from this include, but aren't limited to the following.

* The plaintiff called a witness to the stand. The witness was a woman in a funky period hat. As the woman testified, the guy sitting next to us decided to yell out that she was lying, because he had seen her around town with the plaintiff and it was clear they were having an affair. The woman asked what proof he had and how he knew it was her. He said it was the hat, because no one else had that hat. She countered back with the fact that what he said proved nothing since she was friends with the plaintiff. He then yelled, "You were wearing nothing but the hat!" Mind, this guy was not a heckler, yet an audience member. Even the judge and actors cracked up.

* The worst heckler was the woman who was the director from the historical society. She was awesome.

* There was a woman who was dressed up as a guy since they had less male volunteers, and was serving as the person who spoke and presented the cases to the judge and jurors before it started. I don't know what happened, but she had to leave in a hurry, so a woman took over for her. This led the guy who was playing the judge into a quite memorable speech. He stood up and very seriously said, "It was little known that back in those days men would dress like women and work in the courts to avoid being forced into the military." There wasn't a dry eye in the house from the laughter that brought, especially after he calmly sat back down as if he were totally serious.

*I called someone a liar. No one laughed.

*A woman was standing in for her husband at one of the trials since he could not be there that day. Really, they had just run out of male volunteers. As they handed out sentences to the two other males that were up for the same crime and being given guilty sentences, one of the hecklers yelled, "It's not looking good for you, Lady!" She was right, it wasn't.

* The one guy who kept playing the criminal was a card. The hecklers made sure that stuck. Every time he went up as the criminal, everyone would yell, "We've seen you before! You look familiar." The audience even got in on it. He did keep changing outfits, though, as if to fool us. Finally, though, on the last case, when everyone yelled it, he yelled back that we had not seen him before, and he knew this because he was a clothing designer and he was wearing a new shirt he invented called a t-shirt, and no one else had ever seen one of them before. Some lady yells, "IT WILL NEVER CATCH ON!"

*I want to go back when they do these reenactments again. Period. What really made the day was the excellent timing of the hecklers.

Compared to that kind of kick off for the morning, the rest of the day was pretty ho-hum. If I knew what was to come, I might have just hid out incognito style until the week was over. So I don't bore you all to death, because I don't want more dead people to deal with, I will finish this saga in the next blog, because today was the most ridiculous day in the history of days. It needs its own blog.