I know this post is a bit late for Father's Day, but there's a reason for that. I was not planning on doing a Father's Day post, nor have I ever done one or talked about Father's Day or fathers in any capacity that wasn't full of complete snark. I'm going to try to turn the clock around on that one tonight.
As many of you know by now, I am, by all means, a discarded daughter of a careless father. My father walked out on us when I was five, I didn't see him again until I was eight, and then he walked out on us permanently when I was thirteen and very ill...on Christmas. I spent weekends of hell at his shitty apartments, usually one room, watching him abuse his girlfriends and also myself more than a time or two. He was a bastard of a man, and I'm sure he still is. Actually, a man wouldn't do what he did. Only a monster would.
So when Father's Day comes around, I have nothing nice to say about any fathers anywhere, because I always assume they're all the same, even though I know that's not true. I just can't break myself down to the core enough to admit that I got the short stick in fathers and was unlucky. But it's not like that for everyone, and I need to stop thinking that way. Sometimes, I think I'm just jealous, and I know that it affects my relationships with men. I didn't think anything could change that.
Then today came along, Father's Day of all days, where my hatred toward the man who was more of a monster than a human being is strongest, and did change that for me. Most of you know that I'm always dialed into my Twitter. I check it periodically throughout the day on my phone app and post on it. When I'm online, I'm always signed into Twitter and go back every half an hour or so and read the updates. My life really is that boring, but in my very poor defense, I usually end up sending several dozen messages between myself and my friends each day, be it through direct message or @ replies. Okay, yes, my life is boring. Moving on.
A tweet came up from someone I follow, but do not know and never will, which is probably what makes this more interesting for me that I took it to heart. This person posted about how his daughter never contacted him on his birthday or Father's day ever, and how he still loved her and it hurt him. As soon as I read that, I realized that in this situation I will immediately take the girl's side on this. I always do that, I always side with the daughter. And then I had to go stand in the corner and think about what I just thought, because that was a really horrible thing for me to do.
I took some time to reflect on this, because I'm working on fixing what's broken inside of me and what someone else broke, and fix it so that I can reclaim my life and not be anyone's victim anymore. When I thought it out, what set me off about this post was that I know my father tells people that I won't talk to him and he still loves me. This is the same man who sent me a card for my eighteenth birthday, after five years of no contact, with a glory note about how he no longer had to pay child support. I know no one believes his crap, but he's still spilling it all over the county. He wants sympathy. He wants to cry until someone feels bad for him, but he doesn't love anyone but himself, and he doesn't care, because he knows how to find me and for twelve years never bothered to do anything but hurt me and send me nasty letters. I was old enough when he left to remember the truth in what happened and how he treated me, and I don't want him around me, but still he lies. He went as far as to tell an old mutual friend that he saw us all the time, and when mutual friend told us, we were shocked and appalled. But that's not the point of this post.
When I really sat back and thought it out, I realized there are also dads in a position where they want to see their kids, they really do love them, and circumstances don't allow it. There are moms who are angry with the person they had their child to over personal reasons, therefore turning the child against their own father. There are daughters who get misinformation, and the father suffers. So sometimes when a dad says he misses his daughter, he really does miss his daughter. He really does want that contact. He really has tried, but the mother has given the daughter a false story she believes that makes the father the bad guy, and now she doesn't want anything to do with him. I'm not speaking for the person who posted on Twitter in particular, because again, I don't know him, but he made me think. There are fathers out there who care, and by no fault of their own, are hurt because their daughters don't care for them the same way my father doesn't care for me, and it really sucks.
So even though this is late, as the old adage goes, it's better late than never. To all those fathers out there who haven't abandoned their kids, but who have been abandoned by them for reasons that aren't their fault, and also reasons of miscommunication and false information , I wish you a Happy Father's Day. Let's just make a pact. I don't have a dad, but wish I had a good one, and you all don't have contact with your daughters, so from me to you, I mean this from my heart.
Also, it's awkward when you're a psychic medium and the last person you thought would have a kid turns out to have a kid. Welcome to my crazy day of bad psychic vibes and information that gets me to the church, but not the right pew. Hopefully tomorrow is better.
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3 comments:
Cass, first I'm very proud of you for not only wanting to fix what's wrong, but actually taking big steps to do it.
Second, what you said was beautiful. Extending a Happy Father's Day wish to those Dads out there that can't see their daughters was awesome!
Third, even if you miss the pew, you're still making it to the Church so please don't give up!!
Very well said (I'm a follower of Miss Kitty of Educated & Poor). Sadly there are jerks out there that father a child. Even more sad are the fathers out there whose exes poison the minds of the children against a perfectly good man because the mother is the jerk.
It feels like forever since I last came on to your blog. The world and I have been at a disagreement over my own writing, and reading others sends a stab of pain causing me to wonder why I can't express myself so freely, or if people even care. Thankfully, I seem to be past that now!
Father's Day is a touchy subject. I ignored it all together. I do not believe that my Dad even wanted a daughter, that he would have preferred a son. He had no qualms in expressing this several times, in fact; my step-brother was a suitable replacement for me. I bet he did something for him on Father’s Day.
I can’t say I relate to the feeling of constantly being on the girl’s side. Because, truthfully, I’m never on anyone’s side. I blocked out most of the years spent listening to him complain about how awful and terrible my mother was, and in turn, eventually, ignored him. I found it best to pretend as though he did not exist, as though he were not in my life at all (and he isn’t, so why act as though he is?) I thought that I was being a terrible daughter by ignoring him on Father’s Day, and I know two wrongs do not make a right, but to celebrate Father’s Day surely you have to be worthy of being a Father. There’s an important staple to the word, but the label and the meaning are two separate things. I believed that I could celebrate Father’s Day by acknowledging my soon-to-be stepfather, who has been there for me more than my biological Father has. Is that right… is it even acceptable? I also considered why I should not celebrate it in the traditional sense, or celebrate it at all. He’s my Father, but he’s not.
And here we are again—semi-long responses which trail off in to their own novels. But I miss reading your blog, and although I have plenty to catch up on, I’ll keep reminding myself to check back. If only there were an iPhone app for blogspot!
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