Needs More Superglue

There's a lot of things in my life that I think feel neglected right now. This blog is one of them. Greta Hayley is one of them. I am one of them. My novel, it counts, too, even though it and my blog do not have feelings. There has been a lot going on for me right now, and nothing at all at the same time. I'm worried for a friend who got bad news and is trying to power through it when I know she wants to break down and cry. I worried that one of my other friends is gone, and when given the chance to corner and confront someone for a straight answer, I got scared and ran away and cried in my car. I'm worried because I feel so jumbled and angry lately, and I think it's because my childhood emotions that I was forced to keep inside have caught up with me. In all of this, I'm just trying to figure out what to do to make it all better, to cover up everyone's cuts and bruises and scars so that they can dance another day in all their glory.

This week, I've been what I like to call in the most adult terms possible, icky, icky, blah, blah sick. I thought maybe I was over exaggerating about how sick I actually was until I got on the scale at the end of this week and realized I lost nearly eight pounds. Sure, there's days I feel like I need to lose weight, but not like this. When I was younger, I got so sick that I dropped down to ninety eight pounds, which was so unhealthy for my height of five foot five and for me personally, and I don't want to do that again. But when I get this sick, I have no control, so I'm hoping this was last week's thing and we can move on from it.

I also have a friend who feels like she's just done with life, and there's been a few moments this week that I've agreed with her on that, and I know that these aren't my real feelings. And I know that they're not hers, even if she doesn't. There's something bigger going on, and I don't want anything to happen to her. She doesn't realize she's special to someone all the time, but even though she might not be a friend in my neighborhood or country, she's special to me because she is smart plus talented. She deserves to keep on living and keep on going, and I feel so helpless and useless to her, because I don't know what to do or say to make her feel better or make her smile. Any suggestions?

Sometimes I feel like there's no one out there that's meant for me, and sometimes I feel like there is and we just haven't met yet, but I'm going to make him so happy and him me. Other times I just really don't want to keep trying with love and putting my fragile heart out there to find another guy who lies, cheats and wants to bring me down. I know not all guys are like that, though that's not generally been my experience. The two men in my life that have believed in me and shaped me into the girl who is remotely okay and can keep forging on are no longer in my life. One is my grandfather who sadly passed way too soon from prostate cancer, and the other is the friend I suspect has passed via their own hand.

I've been working to help people with their paranormal problems, because I really feel this is something that I not only want, but need to do with my life. I feel like I could best be used traveling to help people who are having hauntings, helping the police with missing persons and suspicious death cases, and working with paranormal teams to help them get evidence of those who have passed, plus help the spirits in the haunted locations find peace and move on. There's so much I want to do and I feel like I want nothing but for the world to either stop right now, or spin faster so that I can get to the good part. I am sincerely trying to get it there myself, but I think I need a little cosmic, universal help.

I also feel like, although my psychic medium abilities are gifts, they are also a curse, too. I hate it when I pass someone on the street and immediately know their life story without ever talking to them. I hate when I connect with someone I don't even know or barely know because I know their story and I want to fix it and them. I hate that superglue won't just put them back together and solve their problem.

I know a big part of this has to do with the place where I am right now, in a literal way. I hate where I live. The only good part about it is my doctors and my friends, who are amazing. I hate everything else about it. I hate the area. I hate the general population of rude, stuck up, one track minded people who are stuck in a tiny little box and cause their own problems. I'm tired of having no peace and quiet because our neighbors think that we don't exist and have absolutely no respect for anyone, including each other. I hate that I heard the neighbor's boyfriend yelling and telling her that he was going to kill her last night, he swore he was going to fucking kill her, yet her family of whom she lives with and obviously heard it deny it, so there's nothing anyone will do to help her. I may not like her, but that doesn't mean I want her to die.

I love my mom dearly, but I am tired of living with her, too. It seems like the more we're together, the more we both realize this isn't working. It makes me feel like crap because I'm not allowed to work, so I can't make money to get out of here and break the cycle. I'm doing everything I can, from paranormal stuff to working on my novel, to try and find a way to make my own money on terms that my doctors would approve of, but that comes with time and a lot of work. So far not enough time or work has passed for me to make money.

Worse yet, my mom is already looking at my first paycheck as her money, whereas I'm looking at it as my way out of here. I am happy to give her money if the situation allows, but she thinks I'm going to turn it all over to her and continue living here. I know if I do get that paycheck from a book or a paranormal case where there was a reward, the argument it's going to cause could be the end of our relationship. Either that or she'll insist on moving with me and living with me wherever I go, and I can't have that. I won't. I'm sorry, but I need to be on my own, and I know that she's going to continue to suffocate me when I move out, because she doesn't know how to be alone without me. She taught me to be an independent woman, yet she consistently makes comments that she wishes we didn't live together, but she couldn't live without me so I'm stuck with her. It's not going to work out for her that way. I just haven't found a way tell her yet without starting a fight.

I want to go out west. I've had my eye on Vegas for several years. I like that everyone from every walk of life congregates there. I love the desert. I love the endless possibilities. I love that there's always something going on so that even insomniacs like myself will never be bored. I like a chance at freedom and starting over, because that's something I'm not afraid to do. These days I feel trapped, like I'm never alone with my own thoughts, and I'm ready to move forward from this phase of my life, but my body won't let me. It's frustrating. I find myself having arguments with inanimate objects, such as my sewing machine. I find myself becoming miserable and copying the miserable, sarcastic and rude actions of my mom when around her, but I'm fine when I'm not. I love my mom, but I don't want to be her.

At the core, I am a sweet girl with my heart on my sleeve. I tell sarcastic jokes and am one big riot to cover up the fact that I'm hurting because of what I've been through. It's to cover up the fact that I'm lonely in a way that friends can't solve, and that I'm also not wanting to date anyone because I've learned that everyone who cares leaves in one way or another. I guess one day I'll meet that someone, but I feel like that time is too far away. Everyone who I've connected with and just knew we'd work, they didn't feel the same. There's something about that, that reminds me of my childhood days when my dad left and didn't really give a damn, and now my adult days where I'm glad he's gone, and it makes me wonder what it's all really about, because it's not the hokey pokey.

But one day I'll overcome my illness, understand myself, be free, and write that novel that will move someone. One day I'll solve that paranormal case that changes someone's life, helps a spirit, and helps a family move on. One day I'll raise money to help Outpost For Hope so that every missing person is accounted for, which is something that is only a distant dream now, but something I'm so passionate about. One day I'll have myself a cute little house and a permit to save abandoned and abused animals. One day, all of this will come, but I'm sure being slammed with feelings of consternation in the meantime.

And while that's true, if you have a paranormal problem you want help with, just ask. I'm free. I promise. I would never charge someone for an issue they're having. If you need a medium that is the most skeptical medium as far as wanting proof of their own gifts and is all about using equipment in an investigation and helping spirits move on, I'm your girl. If there's a case that happened to a friend or family member, let me know. I'm simply here to help.