If It's Not Inappropriate, It's Not My Flavor

Okay squirrel monkeys, ladies, and that random gentleman or two that may or may not be reading my blog, but I don't want to exclude just in case, I have a lot to share with all of you. First, just let me start off by saying that if you follow me on Twitter, I'm sorry for my posts this entire week. I am usually not the snippy tweeter, but it happened this week and I'm sorry. Eventually I will open up about what went wrong this week, but for right now I have a lot of things to figure out. That being said, let's move on to bigger and better and more fun things. Since my week has otherwise been uneventful, I will just share the crazy little quips that have happened, and then we're going to talk TV shows awesome sauce style.

* I did one of those things this week that I think only white people do, and I went to Family Dollar. Now, I get that I'm from exactly in the middle of nowhere, so what I'm going to say next sounds really hick-ish, but that's par for the course for the area. Family Dollar is way cooler than Wal-Mart. Granted, it's smaller and you can only find certain things, but it was much cheaper, and then I had coupons. Okay, go ahead and judge. I'm cool with that.

* My friend, Jo, decided I would be the best worst psychologist ever. I'd be the best because I say things how they are. Unfortunately, that's why I'd also be the worst. I'd be like that guy from the Geico commercial. If that happens, I just have to remember to use the words namby pamby and jack wagon. I wonder if I can program that reminder into my phone.

* I am trying to be more open about being a psychic medium and help people, therefore, I've joined a forum and have been honest about what I am on my social media pages. So far, it's been a good thing, because a lot of people are asking me for help. It's time consuming, but I'm doing what I want to do with my gift. However, psychologists keep following me on Twitter. Bring it on, guys. All you're doing is amusing me. I'm game to be friends if they are. I've got no crazy to hide.

* I have met the coolest people within advertising my gift. To keep everyone anonymous, I will not go into detail, but they are awesome and if they see this, they will know who they are.

* This event is kind of a double whammy. My friend posted something on her Twitter about hanging out with two other friends after work. The three of them are all kinds of crazy together, so I always joke with her about getting arrested when she hangs out with them. But seriously, if they were to get arrested for anything, it would be something stupid like jay walking or laughing too loud. I joked with her that when she got arrested, I was going to bail her out, but not until I wrapped her car in a thick, steady cover of Saran wrap. I was posting from my phone and it proceeded to correct Saran wrap to Satan wrap. I don't like it's language.

* Our neighbors, oh, our neighbors, have just gotten even more special. This summer, it seems as if there's no longer a question as to if the neighbor girl's boyfriend has moved in and they are now living above her grandparent's garage together. That's all well and good aside from the internet stealing, the screaming fights, and the talking on the cell phone outside so loudly that we can hear them from nearly a football field away. We've gotten used to that normal douchebaggery. What really gets me is that the boyfriend will let the dog outside and not watch it, because he's too busy talking on his cell phone. When the dog takes off, which it inevitably does, because it's still but a puppy, he will scream, yell, raise his hands to it (but not hit it) and call it every name in the book in a volume far above stadium level. I feel bad that he sincerely thinks it's the dogs fault he doesn't watch it. There's no responsibility there.

* For those of you who didn't watch the Kentucky Derby, there were people who named their horses My Wife Knows Everything and My Wife Doesn't Know Everything. I love those people.

* While in Joann Fabrics, a young and adorable little husband and wife were walking around in the store. When I happened to pass them, the husband, completely exasperated, looks at the wife and yells, "You're NEVER bringing me in here again!" Is a fabric store really that bad for men?

* From Joann's I went to Ross's. The store wasn't even half as awesome as what I expected, so I sped on out of there, but not before three college guys made my day. They were looking at pans and skillets and trying to figure out why they came in different sizes and what pan did what. I was tempted to help, but I didn't think I'd be much help. They were so cute and so confused and so amusing. Yes, I'm horrible and should have helped them like I helped the guy in the spices aisle the day before Christmas.

* The song Friday has become such a disastrous event that our weatherman spent the Sunday newscast trying not to say Friday when giving the weekly weather report. He would point to the name of the day on the screen, and he would say every day up until Friday, and then just stop and point. It was obvious even he was avoiding the Friday curse. I don't find it coincidental that this is Friday the 13th.

* Dear Dog, You are approximately ninety bagillion inches bigger than a cat. You can reclaim your bed. You can do it! But you never do. That is all.

* Dear Cookies, It can be three am and I can be fast asleep, but if someone has one of you within a mile, I will know and fight them for it.

* While my mom was texting, she asked me how to spell snot. I'm not really sure what happened in that text, but I feel like ignorance is bliss.

* Me: "Her name is BJ? I bet she was popular with the boys." Mom: "I don't get it."
Yeah, guys, that happened.

* I realize my problem with dating. I have more balls than most guys, and it bothers me more than it bothers them. They think it's fine. This will come in handy later when we talk about TV shows. This should never come in handy anywhere, I know.

* My dog and my mom are both stuck in the couch. Win! < That's my exact tweet. When my mom reads this, I'm sure she won't agree that it was a win, but from across the couch and minding my own business, it really was.

* Great name for a B horror movie: Have You Been In the Basement? And by great, I mean awful. Just awful.

* I have to stop liking much older guys. People only know I love them when I tell them I love them as much as I love old guys. It's sad. It's also true. And sad. Did I mention that this was sad? I just have no interest in guys my age. I don't even find them attractive anymore. I try, but i just have nothing in common with guys my age. Where is the retirement home recruitment team when I need them? No, I'm not that gross. I don't like guys that old. I'm kinda digging the mid thirties to early forties crowd.

I think that pretty much sums up the boredom that was my week. I'm sure it would have been a much more eventful week had my ankles and knees not swelled up and forced me to painfully waddle like a penguin everywhere I go. But it's fine, I like penguins, I just never wished to be one. Can't win them all, right? Because of this, I've watched my share of television shows this week, so let's talk about of these shows.

- Let's start with the least exciting of these shows. Like a ninety year old who had been recruited by a retirement home, I was watching the show Baggage on the Game Show Network. All of the contestants were gay guys. It was simply the most delightful half an hour of TV I've sat through in a long time. I wouldn't make a point out of watching it, but I was that bored, in that much pain, and that was the only thing that I could find that was on. I'm so glad I watched it. It made my world go round; at least that particular episode did. Gay men are so catty and honest. I think every girl should have three or four.

- Is anyone watching In Plain Sight this season? Because I'd love someone to geek out and talk about the show with. I'm iffy on this season because last season didn't kick butt like the others, however, I love the new, peppy, muffin making girl. I'm just waiting for her to do something bizarre and awesome that freaks Mary the heck out. Not that it would take much...

- I am loving me some Hellcats. Of course, was there ever any doubt that I would? I love all things sixteen year olds love when it comes to TV, and both Ashley and Aly are from Disney, so where could it go wrong? It's saucy, sassy and a little risque without being overboard. I love the characters; they were well thought out. The relationships intertwine nicely and adding Aly's (Marti) real life sister to the show to play her sister is just a win. Plus, we got this quote out of it. "I'm a sad loser with acute daddy issues. At least I can dance." Just one request, the show needs more Dan. Oh, come on, he's eye candy, ladies. Don't judge me. I think he's the only person under thirty that I find remotely cute right now. I don't get out much.

- Oh, Criminal Minds, anyone have thoughts on it? Because the first four seasons were pure, heartfelt awesome sauce. Last season seemed to be hit or miss, but this season has been a *whispers* total disaster. Between the new writers who had no idea of who these characters were and had obviously never seen the show, and the unfinished story lines, or random story lines that went with none of the character's pasts galore, it's been a mess. I miss when things made sense on the show. I miss when the writers double checked the character's back stories so that nothing got written that didn't fit with them. I watched one episode and noticed eight errors, eight glaring errors for any fan in the first half an hour of the episode. I tuned out on that episode after that. I've been watching it, and there's been a few episodes that have been killer and right on, but if you look, those are the ones that are written by the old writers. I love that JJ is coming back, and possibly Emily, but I hope they're enough to save the errors in the show. Also, what's with Reid's headaches disappearing? Take it from someone who has migraines, they don't just look at you one day and decide they don't love u anymore and flee. Someone, please save what used to be my very favorite show. I don't like having a new one.

- Okay, so for our big finale, let's talk about my new favorite show that I totally thought I was going to hate the pants off of when it started out, but decided to give it a chance only because it was on in place of Criminal Minds on Sundays and was interrupting my night. Let's talk about Breakout Kings. As I said, when this show started, it was rocky, there were issues, the show wasn't exactly a new concept, and then they switched out a character I really, really liked right off of the bat. I sat through the first three episodes out of pure laziness of changing the channel. Okay, truth, there was just nothing else on. The show finally hit its stride and hit it hard around the fourth episode, and the errors that were apparent and threatening to mar the show in the first few episodes had disappeared. So as long as DirectTV doesn't come in and decide to take A&E like they did Bio, I will be a very happy camper. And then the show will go on break...and you see where this is going. But let's focus on the happy camper part.

In order to properly talk about this show, we're not going to talk about Lloyd. Every single article ever written about the show dotes on Lloyd. We get it, Lloyd is the breakout character, and I appreciate Lloyd and the guy who plays him, I do, but he tends to play the same part in every show. Plus, he's a lot like Spencer Reid on Criminal Minds, although their likeliness is getting
less and less as the show goes on, at least personality wise. But we're not talking about Lloyd. So since the characters make the show, let's gossip about everyone else.

Let's start with Shae. I started out liking Shae, and now I'm sketchy on him. I always root for the bad guys who are really good guys. I think Shae may just be a bad guy, and it concerns me because I started out really liking the guy. Thoughts?

On the other hand, Julianne had the opposite effect. I started out thinking she was a lame, boring attempt at recreating characters like Penelope Garcia and Abby Sciuto in a different, fresh way, but as the show went on, she, too, has made her character really stand out. You can't help but like her as she takes Lloyd's advice little by little and starts to tell the cons just how it is, yet she's so fragile that you don't think she's being a bitch. I'm still unsure about how I feel about her liking Ray and Ray just being completely ignorant to the whole thing, but I kind of like her with Lloyd. He has what she needs to get through life, and she has the understanding to pull his ass into the real world. I like the dynamic.

Charlie is one of those characters that I really want to get into, but he kind of sits in the middle for me. I don't love him, I don't not like him. I don't want him to die or anything, but I just don't care all that much either way. I'm neutral. I want to really get into his storyline since he's a nice, family guy with a heart issue, but I feel a disconnect with him. I also feel like, in a show of very strong characters, he gets overshadowed easily by being a bit more mundane.

Before I talk about my two favorite characters, let me just put this out there. I miss Philly. I don't know what it is that I liked about her. Maybe it was that her name was Philomena Rotchcliffer; I won't even put her nickname on here. Maybe it's how they presented her; Miss Idaho 2001 / Con Artist - 1999 to Present. Maybe it's just because the girl took over the situation and had some serious guts, but was a little bit of the girl gone bad that I liked. I don't like when guys go bad. I like when girls go bad. I realize that someone out there thinks this makes me sound like a lesbian, and you just shut up over there and stop laughing. I'd be laughing, too, but that is NOT where I'm going with this. She was my favorite right out of the gate, and then they went and replaced her, and I couldn't help but think, who in the hell is this new bitch?

That bitch ended up being Erica. Erica does not get enough credit on this show for being anything but pretty. I love her character. The concept of her being a bounty hunter's daughter who avenged all but one of the men who killed her father, but only got arrested on weapons charges just brings a lot to the table. I can see why they swapped Philly out for her, because, in her own way, Erica is a cop in herself, even though she's really a con. She knows the procedure and she isn't afraid to hop in and back the Marshals as if she were one of them, too. She's an important part of the show, but I happen to like a good con artist, and I think they could benefit from a character that can run a con to catch a con. I think they're trying to stay away from that as not to be too much like Leverage, but I hope they give Erica a chance to at least try to run one con on a con man they're trying to catch. I like the dynamic, and I'd like to see the Marshals' reaction to her character doing something like this.

And then there's Ray. Ray could be a television show in himself. At first I didn't like Ray, because I thought he was inappropriate, and I usually like the inappropriate people, so that was awkward. As time has goes on, he's not only become more inappropriate, but he's become an unintentional comedic relief when Lloyd isn't around to also be unintentionally comedic. Plus, you know what I was saying earlier about guys and balls? Ray has balls for miles. I know that doesn't sound right, but there's never going to be a way to make that sound right, so you just shut up. (I know you readers all too well.) But seriously, he will do and say anything he has to in order to catch a con, and he's really good at it. His informant is even a transvestite that is so clearly a guy but dresses like a girl, and the two are buds. Once I saw that, Ray won me over. I like the rough demeanor, but you can tell he's a really nice guy at the end of the day. I think he wins over Charlie for me because there's several sides to him, whereas Charlie is a fairly one sided straight shooter. I like my characters complex.

But my favorite thing about this show has to be that it is inappropriate in an appropriate way. It's not Jersey Shore. You don't avoid watching it because you know it's full of bitches, hoes and oompa loompas fighting over guys with fake tans. You know they're going to drink and say things that aren't anywhere near what any person under thirty but above thirty five should hear. With Breakout Kings, the inappropriateness, which, granted, normally comes from Ray, just pops up out of nowhere when you think there's no way for them to make the scene inappropriate, and then it's just all kinds of funny. There was even a scene that made me wonder how in the heck it was allowed on prime time television, on a channel that bleeps out every single swear word and things that seem like they could be a swear word. I would like to share that scene with you now. Since I don't have a video, I'll just tell you about it, but still know that it's not appropriate for work or people under thirty or above thirty five. Basically, it's not appropriate for anyone reading this blog, but I know you're all going to read it anyway, so have at it.

In one particular episode, they were, as always, chasing down a prison escapee, a runner, if you will. This runner had tried to murder Charlie's wife and was a threat to Ray's daughter, so they wanted this guy bad. In order to get to the runner, they had to track down another guy to find out where said runner was. They found the guy, but the guy didn't want to talk. They tried everything, but he wasn't having it at all, and they were running out of time, because they knew the runner was planning on bombing a federal building the following day and were trying to stop it. In a last ditch effort to extract information out of this guy, Ray asks Charlie if he's ever wanted to be gay. Charlie says no, and Ray agrees. With that out of the way, Ray unzips the guys pants, grabs his junk and threatens him with the cigarette lighter in the car. Needless to say, the guy talked faster than you can say sabotage.

The next scene skips to them going to where the previous guy told them they could find the runner. When they get there and open up the underground bunker and enter, Ray steps on a trip wire. Charlie is trying techniques on the bomb that he learned from the movie Spaceballs, and surprisingly, this is just not working out. So Ray starts to say something, and Charlie says to him, "I'll tell your daughter you love her." All of a sudden, Ray gets exasperated, as if Charlie just said the stupidest thing and fires back with, "No, she KNOWS I love her." Then his voice goes into a whisper and he says, "If I die, don't tell anyone I touched that guy's penis." To top the scene off, Lloyd happened to pop his head into the bunker at just the right moment, hear this, and begin to question what he just heard, as opposed to caring that he may get blown up by a bomb if he continues standing there. I don't know how those scenes made it on air, but they made my night. Inappropriate jokes are never out of style.