Life Imitating Chuck Palahniuk Novels

It's that time of the year again. It's the time when the VMAs have come and gone. So let's talk VMA's just like we did last year.

Uh, psych. I actually have nothing to say about the VMAs. They were very ho-hum and not at all drama filled. I mean, I'm glad Taylor Swift didn't get Kanyed again and Lady Gaga didn't do any inappropriate performances, but was it necessary to make everyone act like perfect normal human beings who don't think bat-shit crazy things, and do ridiculous things with their money? I watch the VMAs expecting something ridiculous to happen. When it doesn't, I have to admit, I'm a little bummed.

To counteract being bummed out, I shall tell you all a story involving Aunt Bev and coupons. Actually, I'm going to tell you two stories, although that could make one really great story. Don't you think? Aunt Bev, this is my shout out to you. If you ever take coupons to the store and some kind of non-embarrassing debauchery occurs, please let me know so that I can share with the world. I mean, if you want me to, of course.

In the last post I mentioned that Aunt Bev had found some super awesome kittens and adopted them. Just to follow up, she did catch the mommy and momma kitty is trying to settle in but is being a little temperamental. I promise to keep you updated, but momma kitty has nothing to do with this story. Sorry, momma kitty.

Last week when Aunt Bev only had the babies and we were visiting, she started telling us about how she was watching Animal Planet and saw the cutest guy on there who was intelligent and seemed sweet, too. She said she thought he would be perfect for me. I was flattered. At least I thought I was, because I had no idea who she was talking about and he was on TV, but I trusted her. Then she said she scoured his hand for a ring to make sure he wasn't married and he didn't have one. See? He was perfect for me!

I completely loved this because it was so Aunt Bev in the best way possible. She saw a guy, thought he was perfect for me and checked for a ring, which is really all I can ask for in a super awesome aunt. The only problem was that he was on TV and I'd never meet him. Semantics, I know. (Or, if you're Shawn Spencer, you can add that "I don't think semantics means what I thought it meant." Which is exactly why I chose to use that exact word here, because I, too, used to think that word fit in here until Shawn used it in a way that seemed correct, but was not. Shawn Spencer, teaching people the actual meaning of words since 2006. Don't steal that slogan, USA. I have my eye on you. Well, eyes. I have two.) But the thought was there, even though I wondered why she would check someone on TV for a ring just to make sure he was available for me. At this rate, I should be married by the time I'm ninety, which is, quite frankly, earlier than I saw coming, so I won't hate it.

Then the other night happened. Do you see where this is going? Nowhere good.

The other night I was watching television. Television at two am is either the most bizarrely interesting thing ever, or completely and mind numbingly boring depending on the night. There is no in between. For those of you who know me, you know I'm a night owl, often not because I want to be up that late, but because I don't feel well and can't sleep. This is awesome on the nights where television is mind numbingly boring and I often have to settle for a rerun, or lying in the dark thinking about how I don't feel well. Obviously, the rerun always wins.

Because television seemed to be specifically sucky the other night, I settled for a rerun of Fact or Faked: Paranormal Files. Normally I wouldn't consider this settling, but seeing as I had just seen the episode a few weeks ago and remembered the whole thing with cunning perspective, watching it again in hopes that something interesting would happen that I forgot about was done in vain. This should be an otherwise boring story that is heading on the route to nowhere.

Except that I find the one guy, Austin, super adorable for reasons I can't explain; all that have to do with the personality he conveys on the show, and I started to wonder if he was married. I also started to wonder why he reminded me of Pete Wentz, but that's another story entirely. Naturally, I started looking to see if he was wearing a ring. Out of mindless curiosity, of course. I did this for a good full minute until I realized what I was doing. That didn't mean I didn't stop checking until I knew the answer; he didn't, but I suddenly understood how something so seemingly innocent can turn into a slightly creepy story that you put on your blog. So, Aunt Bev, don't feel weird that you checked Animal Planet guy for me to see if he had a ring. I apparently do that just fine checking out stars of unscripted shows that I will never meet myself and you were just trying to help. I get it now.

Don't look at me that way, you all. Think back on your unscripted television crush and don't tell me you haven't done the same. Uh huh, now that you're thinking about it you realize you either looked for a ring, or Googled to see if they were attached, didn't you? At least I didn't Google. I wouldn't want to seem creepy for the guy I don't know and am never going to meet. That would just be absurd.

What's also absurd is that I became the customer from hell today at Target, and I'm not even entirely sure it was my fault. But I ask you to picture this for me. I innocently went to Target with almost forty dollars worth of coupons and purchased everything I had a coupon for. There's no way that can go wrong or I can end up being a pain in the ass customer to the ranks of the old lady who only pays in pennies; ones of which she doesn't count until she gets to the register and gets her total. When I get to the register, I bring the kind of problems that require three cashiers and a manager.

Everything was going well and good until the cashier went to put the coupons in. The first one wouldn't scan so she had to type it in. When she did, it came up that I didn't purchase that product. I knew that I did so she set it aside and went on with the other coupons while I found the product. Only, she didn't actually go on with the other coupons because she got the same response for them, too. Immediately even she realized this was suspicious because she remembered some of the stuff I had gotten and knew the coupons were correct. She started scrolling up and checking things out again only to realize that the things I bought were on there for the correct price, only they were listed under a different brand.

For instance, I got a can of Friskies can food for cats that I had a free coupon for. I knew the can cost $.60 because I am careful to make sure what I pick up doesn't go over the alloted limit on the coupon. Scanned in the register was a can of Purina cat food for $.60. It was like this with nearly everything. Naturally, this is why the coupons weren't going through. The brand the coupon was for was exactly what I bought, but not what was showing up in the register.

This is when two other cashiers and a manager got involved and took me to another register. They had to go through everything one by one and physically change everything in the register. I spent about forty minutes in the checkout line, and although this wasn't my fault, it made me the customer from hell by default. Then they went to put in the coupons and more wouldn't scan than would, which is kind of my fault because I printed them out on paper that had already been used on the back and I surmise that it interfered with the bar code. But in my defense, I didn't realize it would and I promise to try not to do it again, although I will probably do it at least once on accident because I forgot to check what paper was in the printer.

I feel like this is where I should have a Chuck Palahniuk moment and say "Sorry, Mom. Sorry, God." And I'd also like to add, "Sorry, other people in line. Sorry, cashiers."