You've Been Cat Dialed

So today I was in the grocery store shopping...while helping a demonologist with an exorcism by way of cell phone. How has your day been?

Yeah, guys, that happened. It's been an insane week. The demonologist that I regularly work with came to me for help with a case. Last night everything came to a head, and then unexpectedly had to be finished off today. While I was at the grocery store. Where people could hear me and I could get in their way. I just refused to let this stop me from grocery shopping. Luckily my demonologist and I both find it completely hilarious that stuff like this is just a mere mild inconvenience in our day. But I have to say, assisting with an exorcism from the grocery store was definitely a new one for me, and that was just part of my day.

Today, all of this happened and then some, but I can't remember the and then some part. That's probably a good thing.

- I cleaned out the refrigerator and cabinets and found stuff I didn't even know I had. Then I was disappointed because it had gone bad before I ate it. Following that, I began to think about all the new stuff I was going to buy at the grocery store that would disappoint me in the same way.

- I visited (Let's use the term "visited," otherwise I'll end up angry.) the office of which holds my paperwork for my insurance. I was supposed to get new papers to fill out for the end of this month, and to have my doctors fill out, but they never came. Turns out they moved my renewal period back a month. No one thought it necessary to tell me, nor would anyone call me back when I called them to ask about it, so I got to waste my gas and time to go deal with stupid. I live a highly glamorous life.

- I visited my mom at her new job and realized her co-worker is way too friendly. I didn't think that was possible, but she even terrified me.

- While shopping, I nicely told anyone who got in line behind me that I had a lot of coupons. I wasn't the crazy coupon lady, but I'd be awhile. The first guy thanked me and got out of line. The second lady lied to me and said that was okay and she had plenty of time. I was almost done checking out when she lost her cool and started swearing and bitching me out under her breathe and moved to another register. The check out lady and myself bust out laughing. Hey, I warned her. And I was out of the store before she even got checked out in her brand spanking new line.

- I learned that I can use my clicker to lock my car from the dining room. Now that I know that, I can be completely lazy and never have to walk the whole way out on the porch again.

- I gave my cat an entire dramatic monologue. It was as follows. I encourage you to read this as if you were an actress or actor in a comedy where you were encouraged to be overly dramatic for the pure purpose of ridiculousness.

"You once were but a small, beautiful kitty who had it all. The world was in your hands. You had everything you wanted. Your life was beautiful. You were a princess, what with your fancy meowing and your special canned food."

I now encourage you to read this as if you were Miley Cyrus on Hannah Montana and trying to make a point while angry.

"And then you had to go and not chew your food."

Let me explain. Sophie kitty thinks she's a princess, so much so that she does not like hard cat food. She can eat it, her teeth are fine, she's lived on it for six years now, but she just doesn't particularly care for it. Since Sophie also happens to be the creepiest cat in the entire world and I am convinced she's plotting my murder, we decided to get her some canned food to make her happy. Things were going quite well, right up until the other night. When I went in the room to get her, I thought she had dumped her bowl. Then I realized what she had actually done was not chew any of her cat food and threw it up all over the entire room. Furniture had to be moved, sheets washed, the rug scrubber came out, and I pulled something in my back moving the bed just like any ninety year old would do. So needless to say, her days with canned food are over. All she had to do was chew her food. Now she's in there chewing hard food and giving me dirty looks. Look, Sophie, we all know your teeth and gums are fine, so don't even play it like that.

- I hand washed my bra in Woolite and was trying to spray some perfume on it so it could dry with the bra and make it smell yummy, since I hate the smell of Woolite. Someone, and we won't mention any names, but since I was the only one doing this you can guess who it was, didn't look to see what way the perfume bottle was pointing and sprayed herself in the nose. On the bright side, everything smells spectacular.

- I learned that I hate when you want one snack cake, but there's two in a package, so you have to pretend to be upset that you have to eat both just so you feel better about eating both.

I should have seen this ridiculousness coming. Last night I had that awkward moment where I was on the oval office and finished my book, and then wondered what I was supposed to read then. Hey, don't look at me like that. We all do it. If you say you don't read while on the potty, you are either lying or you are texting during your business.

But even with all of that craziness behind me, I do have some good news to report. I identified DJ VM$$. It's my cat Stitch. If he hadn't sat on my phone and managed to call my mom, I would have probably never known. Forget butt dialing. Mom, you've been cat dialed.

Also, tomorrow I'm hanging out with my mom and Aunt Bev. I better get some good stories from the blog or I think it's safe to say that we'll all be disappointed.