2 AM; Who Do You Love?

I wasn't going to post tonight, but I'm feeling all kinds of sentimental tonight. I'd like to think that it's the medication I was put on for the current catastrophe of a health problem I'm having, but it's probably just me. I prefer to be funny, good story telling Cass. Sometimes I'm life lesson Cass. But there's other times where I just need an outlet and feel like if I don't speak now, I might explode. I don't think anyone would glue me back together, so it's probably better if I stay in one piece.

Tonight I found myself in a situation that honestly frightened me more than the stories my spirits tell me of their deaths, spiders or birds ever could. If you know me, you'd know that the mere sight of a bird makes me scream and run like a little girl who was just offered candy from a stranger. It's completely ridiculous, but I digress. A very dear friend of mine was in need of help and was having an impossibly tough time, and I didn't know what to say to her to help her. I kept trying to say the right thing, and then wondered if I said the wrong thing, what would happen to her and how it would make her feel. And, for a brief moment, I saw myself seven years ago. It was a moment too long, and I became more afraid that nothing I said was going to help, only make things worse.

She is an amazing girl who deserves a beautiful life, yet no one's ever told her that. No one's ever treated her like it was okay to be who she was. I remembered the times that I sat in my room and wondered if I'd ever have a chance to fly, and I looked at where I am now and still found no answers for her. Luckily, she is an incredible girl who is smart and funny and found a solution for herself. And I told her I'd always be here for her, but that I would probably never know the right thing to say, and we talked about some things. And it brought up a lot of stuff.

I grew up enchanted with everything, especially shiny things and love. But my environment shattered my enchantment of love before I was five, although it never ruined the fascination of shiny things for me. I'm twenty five and should still never drive in Vegas, but that's beyond the point. I want to have a perfectly imperfect love story with someone. I want to savor the times when things suck and you're confused, but still know you're with the right person. I've never had the stability to say that anyone would stick around. And, as much as I hate to admit it, my spirits don't help. Most of them are young girls whose lives were taken far too soon, and I know how easily that could have been me. To hear their stories, it scares me away from relationships and becoming close to anyone even more, seeing how easily a life can change; how quickly. I've watched as a relationship changed in front of my own eyes because of someone trying to do the right thing, and having someone else lie to them and have it almost end in their death. Then they drowned themselves in alcohol, and I never got the person I loved back. So shit happens, and sometimes it's no one's fault.

But I'm not good with the unknown, and I've never trusted myself so much either with knowing how to handle keeping someone or something for myself. My first reaction is always flight. And then I realized that for a girl who is afraid to trust herself, I'm in a pretty unusual situation. I help spirits on a regular basis, and they come to me for help because they trust me. They see something in me, and there's a reason each medium gets a specific spirit. I've always helped and I've always sat passively and wondered why they trusted me so much and why I could dedicate my life to them, but never be able to have any kind of life for myself. And now I know that I've been blaming them when it's never been their fault.

Sometimes life isn't about you, though. And maybe sometimes you're not meant to have what you want. And sometimes what you want and what you need aren't the same things. There's always going to be someone that knows what you need, though. In my line of work, I get it all too often, but I believe the same goes for anyone in any situation. There's always someone on the outside looking in. And maybe that person is right. If you push them away to protect yourself, you'll never know. You can say you can control your life all you want, and you can put up every wall in the world, but then you forget to give yourself a chance. Maybe that someone who knows what you don't is just trying to give you that chance to fly.