Backa Backa Backa

I come bearing three stories that are guaranteed to make you laugh. In fact, if you don’t laugh, I will give you all your time back that you lost reading this blog. It may take me until the time of my death to do so, as I can’t say I know Father Time personally, but I promise that I will maybe, one day in your lifetime, give you your time back. Possibly.

Last week I had wandered into Peebles, which is some kind of newer store we have here that I’m still up in the air about. It tries to be a department store, but its building structure and decor are reminiscent of K-Mart and the prices are higher than ones you would find in Macy’s, when the product is of lesser quality. Occasionally you can find a really rockin’ deal, but a lot of times the clothes that are on clearance resemble more of something you would find at a second hand store. This item would also be from somewhere around the seventies, or a bedazzling product that went wrong. I realize this may not be the case at all Peebles, but at this particular one this is the case. This will be important in a moment.

The reason for my visit was that I was searching for pants for my mom. They’re the only place that sells pants with gum in them around here, which are just the kind of pants my mom likes. The pants, as a whole, are actually decent dress pants. I had gotten her a pair on sale for a super great price before, and was hoping to get the same deal. No luck. However, what I did get will stay with me and go down in the top ten in my hall of awesomeness.

After having no luck with the pants, I made my way back to the shoes to see if I could find a good deal on them. In our store, the shoes happen to be right in front of the dressing rooms. I’m unsure of who this made sense to, but apparently to someone, either that, or they just thought it would be funny to put the dressing rooms on the opposite side of the store from where the clothing is. As I was perusing the shoe aisles, some sixty something lady comes flying out of the dressing room with no shirt on, yelling about how she was missing her shirt. Yeah...I know. How does this happen, you ask.

Now guys, I’m not totally sure, as I didn’t hear the whole thing, but I shall relate what I gathered. Someway, somehow, while this lady was in the dressing room trying on clothes, the dressing room attendant got a hold of her actual shirt and proceeded to hang it up and place it on the sales rack. I can’t for the life of me figure out how this could have happened. Was the lady trying on a shirt, and outside of her dressing room looking in the full length mirror when the attendant snuck in her room and cleared it out? If so, why didn't the lady come out in the shirt she was trying on? Did the lady happen to walk out of the room in her bra because it was fun and the attendant got in there and cleaned out the dressing room? I really have no clue. I would have crept up on them and listened in very closely, but I didn’t want to make it too obvious that I was listening.

All I know was that the shirtless lady originally bought her shirt at Peebles. This shirt was now on clearance, so the attendant took it upon herself to hang the shirt up in the sales rack. Now, in discredit to the attendant, the fact that she hung a shirt up with no price tag was pretty sad on her part. I usually don’t pick on people in jobs as such, as I’ve been there, but come on! How could she not notice there was no tag? And she didn’t bother to put a price tag on it, which is how she was able to go through the sales rack and pick out which shirt belonged to the lady in a sea of shirts that looked the same; it was the shirt with no price tag. The lady was half angry and half laughing over the way she literally lost her shirt. Needless to say, I split out of there like a bat out of hell, before I burst into a fit of laughter that would give me away. I love people.

I don’t know how many of you know about the odd dreams I often have, but for those of you who don’t, I’ll just put this in the most understated way possible. I have odd dreams. We’re not talking slightly odd dreams. We’re talking Alice In Wonderland worthy dreams. I don’t even take anything that would cause these dreams. I'm not into that. This is all me. I think that’s possibly the scariest part. I’ve yet to decide if I’m a really creative person with an imaginative way of thinking, or if I should check myself into a mental hospital. That being said, I will let you decide by sharing my most recent wacky dream with all of you.

In this particular dream I was an FBI agent that worked on a team with two guys and one other girl. Aside from the fact that someone actually let me have a gun, this all seems very normal, right? Yeah, not so much.

My job as an FBI agent?

The chase and capture a man who was hiding on a fishing boat and growing eggs that would hatch kitties and puppies, but mostly kitties. Yes, kitties and puppies, but mostly kitties. You read that right, folks.

This is where it really gets bizarre, because eggs hatching kitties and puppies is obviously not bizarre enough. We were chasing after him on the boat. Two agents went upstairs on this boat, because for some reason this fishing boat was some kind of Mob fishing boat that was tricked out to resemble a dive diner. The upstairs of this boat was the living quarters. Myself and the other male agent, who was my partner, headed into the diner where we spotted the perp carrying the eggs in a wrap around his stomach. We decided to play it cool, get something to eat, watch him, and then at the safest and most opportune time, we would take him down. Therefore, we had to eat and pretend like we were dating, while we texted the other agents to have them come down. Once they made their way down, we took the guy down.

And this is where the dream passes bizarre. As we were taking him down, he pointed a water gun at me. This terrified me beyond possible belief, even though he didn’t shoot. I therefore did the most logical thing and shot him with my gun. This is when I realized my gun wasn’t loaded, which obviously meant someone was smart enough to not give me a loaded gun. The three shots I fired obviously did nothing, but the perp played dead anyway. That’s when my partner took the eggs and ran before the guy realized he wasn’t actually dead. It took three of us to arrest this guy who honestly believed he was dead and never tried to move. After we did so, we got him into local police custody and went after our agent who had the eggs. Why he took off with them instead of also giving them to the local police, I don’t remember. I think it had something to do with these eggs being some kind of super secret hybrids that Fort Detrick had been trying to detain. Apparently kitties and puppies, but mostly kitties, are that awesome that they must be kept top secret.

In terms of weird; this is where we fall right down the rabbit hole and bump out heads pretty hard, and then start hallucinating. The other agents and myself went after my partner, who, if you remember, had taken off with the eggs. We ran along the water line, back towards our hotel, only to find him just past the dock that went to our hotel, because naturally the hotel was in the middle of the water and you could only get there by crossing a dock. Said partner was being chased by a snake that walked like a hunched over human, but definitely had the head and body of a very large, thick, walking snake. We yelled to him and distracted the snake long enough for him to turn around and start back towards the hotel. As he was running towards us, we could see that the kitties and puppies were starting to hatch. Obviously, this was bad because the snake wanted to eat them. We ran quickly over the dock thinking we had one up on the human snake, but no, the snake could swim. It was neck and neck with us as we ran, but finally we got ahead of it and got into the main entrance of the hotel. We stopped to breathe only to find the snake had snuck into the side entrance. It was closing in on us quickly...

In terms of weird; this is now where we are beginning to wake up from the coma we had been put in from hitting our head after falling into the rabbit hole. Obviously medication is involved, so we’re still quite loopy. Just as we thought the snake had us for sure and we couldn’t shoot it because none of our guns are loaded, it started to talk. It had a male voice and it didn’t sound very threatening. And then it did something totally unreal. It took off my head and underneath it was...prepare yourself.

My sister.

Let’s recap, shall we? I don’t have a sister. I never have.

And now you’ve officially been introduced to my most personal and uncontrolled thoughts that I have when I enter the deep world of slumber. I don’t know if I should tell you you’re welcome, or apologize. So I’ll do both. You’re sorry. See, it’s a mix of both.

One thing you all do know about me is that I often watch odd and horrible television shows out of boredom. The harder the show sucks, the dumber it is, or especially if it’s a “scary” movie on Chiller or Sci-Fi, I am so there. This doesn’t exclude ridiculous reality shows either. To credit this, I must say I thoroughly enjoy “TRANSform Me” on VH1. Those biatches have some serious style. I hate it when transvestites are prettier than myself, a natural woman. I get more jealous of them than born women that are prettier than me. I think this is normal.

But that’s not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about the show Amazing Wedding Cakes. It doesn’t really fit into the above category, because it’s not an odd show, but it is a reality show. I, like a lot of women, am into the whole wedding show craze. I mean, I’m 24 with no boyfriend, but weddings still make me all giggly and fuzzy inside, so I watch.

I happened to come in late to watch Amazing Wedding Cakes the other night and missed the part where the bakeries interview the clients about what kind of cake they want. I came in, in the middle of a very gorgeous cake being made. The manager kept a close eye on the cake and made sure to reiterate to the employees that they really had to be careful to find the right balance of masculinity and femininity with this cake. I thought this was just amazingly sweet and such a great sign of a good, attentive owner, because no husband wants a girly cake and no woman wants to forget their husband when it comes to their wedding cake. I watched as they painstakingly hand made flowers out of fondant and added them, but not too many, and painted the decoration on the cake, but didn’t make it too masculine. When the thing was done, it was an absolute masterpiece. It was something both a man and woman would adore, and I had the ultimate appreciation for this specific bakery. Then they showed it at the wedding. The couple they had just painstakingly tried to find a balance of masculinity and femininity for?

Two gay men.

I am so confused. All I do know is that if I finally get tired of men and go lesbian, I’m definitely getting my cake there when I get married, that way I’ll know that my cake will have the right amount of masculinity for me and my wife.

For those of you who have not had to endure my texts, let me assure you that this is not an easy task. Most people send normal texts such as “what are you doing today,” and “how have you been?” I tend to send texts more along the lines of this:

“LMAO, so random. It’s like a breakup story and a country song what with him giving you your stuff back. Or should I say a country song in reverse.”

“You have no idea how badly I wanted to text your brother and be like, ‘SCRATCH AT THE WALLS!’ Good thing I don’t have his number.”

“I prefer ‘Evil Genius,’ but thanks.”

“Maybe it’s a lesboa. Maybe we have this lesboa thing all wrong.”

“You expect demons to do things pure evil from the bottom of their non existent hearts. Humans, not so much.”

“Other than buy the DVD and giggle the whole way home?”

“Darn. What if we do chalk outlines of lampposts and name them?”

These are actual texts that I sent to others. I realize those of you who have been reading the blog for awhile are familiar with my weird texting from the segments where I would post my actual texts on here, but I thought I would give you all a new dose of texts, because what you’re about to see takes my texting weirdness to a new level and you won’t be able to unsee it. Just a warning.

Oh, the name of this text was Backa Backa Backa. It got its name from the Sabrina the Teenage Witch where Aunt Zelda transforms into a monster for Sabrina's movie she is producing, and proceeds to walk across the camera saying "backa backa backa" to bookmark the scenes.

The story behind the text is, and yes, it’s so weird that I feel the need to explain it, is as follows: I woke up very sick in my stomach last night. I couldn’t fall back to sleep and needed something to do that didn’t require moving, so I turned on the television hoping to be entertained. I thought I fell asleep watching Criminal Minds on ION and then later got up and turned the TV off, but apparently I fell asleep watching something on Teen Nick, because when I turned the television on, I was immediately assaulted with a Justin Bieber video. The video was just beginning and I proceeded to be in shock as I watched it the whole way through. During this time several things occurred to me, prompting the following text.

But before I get into the text, let me just say that I have nothing against Justin Bieber, but he’s not my cup of tea. For those of you who don’t know who he is, he’s that boy that everyone always thinks is a girl when they hear him sing. Then, when you see him, he dresses like mess of a white boy, writes music that’s usually pointed at a far different age range and demographic, and tries to dance like Michael Jackson and fails. I feel he’s singing songs he knows nothing about at his age, and he’s part of everything that’s wrong with the music industry. I’m tired of people trying to act older than they are, while trying to appeal to a younger audience and coming across completely fake. I just think he’s faking who he really is to sell albums. And maybe he’s not, so if you like him, I am sorry. This is just how I feel when I hear his songs, or, as so happened last night, see his videos. Also, he’s sixteen and his voice hasn’t even begun to change. WTF is up with that, guys?

Anyway, onto the world’s oddest and longest text:

This is a list of things that I am now curious about after seeing a Justin Bieber video for the first time:

1. In the video, Justin is chasing his “first love” around. Do they really expect us to believe someone was actually in love with that little dude that wasn’t a gay boy? I call Justin Beiber is stalking said girl, thus why she is running.

2. How bankrupt is Ludacris that he both lent his “vocals” to the song and admitted it, as well as made his way into the music video?

3. How come people always hear Justin and think it’s Christina Aguilera. This must be a fluke, as not only am I personally insulted for Christina, but I’m also insulted as a woman. (Let's compare: Justin ... Christina.)

4. Do they really think it’s respectful to mock Michael Jackson by having some little white “dude” “dance” his moves? Dude can not dance and is basically just insulting himself and The King. This should be illegal. And since when is it okay for a 16 year old to do pelvic thrusts and grab his crotch, assuming he’s got anything to grab?

5. Is possible he’s related to Lady Gaga? No one’s proven her to be a woman yet, just as no one’s proven him to be a man, and at his age his voice should have at least started to change but hasn’t. Until proven otherwise, I remain insulted that someone like him could be a woman, but I won’t totally rule it out.

6. Who discovered him / thought giving him a career / thought giving him his own music video was a good idea?

7. Is that person, per say, a lifetime alcoholic with serious brain damage? (I'm sorry, you guys. I really am. I just think this kid has no business in the industry. There's so many talented people out there, and I'm not saying he's not talented, but there's just too many people who are eons more talented than him that should be out there. Do his albums even sell? Because I've yet to come across someone who likes him and doesn't make fun of him.)

8. Is he related to this person? After thinking this out further, I realize it’s highly doubtful his parents would resort to claiming their relation to him by putting him in the industry, before they would risk less humiliation by simply whoring themselves out on the streets if they were that in need of money.

9. Are we absolutely sure he’s not related to Lady Gaga? I often toy with the theory that there’s no way her parents watch her dance in videos wearing only pasties and are proud of her. More in the some, there’s no way Justin’s parents are proud he sounds like / looks like a lesbian willingly. They have to have the same parents if pride is possible.

10. Why didn’t I just change the channel?

On another note, I think Miranda Cosgrove is adorable. She sings songs that fit her look, her brand, and her age range. It appeals to her audience. Sure, her songs are a bit cheesy, but she knows what age range she’s playing to and what's appropriate for her age range, yet older people can like her too because she’s clean and herself. She has a long way to go as far as improving her technique, but her tone is absolutely gorgeous. I think there's a ton of potential there. I hope she continues to work on it and taps into all that potential. I want to see more Mirandas and Selena Gomezs and less of Justins. Please?

Tune in closer to Easter for a special presentation.