Driving to the Edge Just For the View

I really got to thinking today, and even though I wasn't planning on posting anything until I got my thoughts together about the huge story I want to tell, I decided that this was worth posting. It's currently 3am and I am waiting for Aunt Bev's video to finish transferring itself over to ITunes so I can burn it on a DVD and give it to her. I made it for her for her birthday.

I was surfing the internet just minutes ago, because I needed something to do while this video transferred itself, as it's often time consuming. One of the first things I do frequently when I open my browswer is check Keltie Colleen's blog. I adore her. She is an amazing writer, a talented dancer, and seems to be a pretty kick ass person. I'm always waiting to read what she writes, and I find her to be so inspiring. Tonight, once again, she has completely inspired me, so much so that I'm sure I'll be writing this blog past the finishing of the video, instead of sleeping when it's done. I am okay with this.

I have never been the kind of person to really "get" dancing, yet I find myself fascinated by it, moved by it, and wanting to be one of those amazing dancers, which I am not. That doesn't stop me from dancing like no one's watching, when people usually are and choose to laugh with me over my sad skills. Tonight, though, one of Keltie's routines that she posted on her blog finally made me "get" dancing. It all clicked. I understood it all, and for those two minutes and seven seconds, my eyes never left the screen. I was captivated. The dancing moved me, and the song. It's both that got me thinking, but I will share the lyrics from the song that inspired me to write this.

"The way we fight. The times I cry. We come to blows every night. The passion's there, so it's got to be right. Right?" I Don't Believe You by Pink

This song has been a permanent fixture in my head over the past few weeks, since things went down with the ex friend whose story I have yet to tell. The lyrics are powerful, and in a way they have nothing to do with my situation, and everything all at once. I realized a lot of things about myself just through what Keltie's dance was saying, or at least the way I was interpreting it, and the lyrics.

There's a lot of things that I don't understand about love, although I do believe it's the most important thing in life. Nothing else matters but that, yet it's so hard to find. Keeping it is even more difficult. Finding the right person is next to impossible. I still believe there is a right person for everyone. A Prince Charming and a Cinderella. If love was supposed to last for days, it would be easy to find, but it's supposed to last forever, that's why you have to search for it, and covet it while you have it, without choking it, or killing its air.

I am a very strong woman. I don't take shit from people, especially men. I'm sure a lot of this has to do with my father and the way he treated me, but if that's what it took for me to learn something that takes most girls a lifetime, I'm okay with that. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too harsh, but I know I am not. Especially considering what I've been through, and how my instincts were always right about someone, yet I didn't want to be too hard on them and tried and tried, even when I knew it was over. I ended up getting even more hurt this way.

It has always been easy for me to walk away from someone emotionally, because I just know when things are over, or aren't working out. I know this very quickly in any sort of relationship, friends or more. But just because it's easy emotionally, doesn't mean it is physically. I've disconnected from the relationship because I know it's not right, yet I have issues walking away. I want to see the good in people. I want to keep giving them chances when they don't deserve it.

I am capable of walking away right then and there and being totally okay with it, but I always feel like that person needs me. This is mostly because the people I know I need to walk away from, are emotional leeches who need someone to hang off of and suck their blood, so they do need me. They need to use me. I'm the kind of person who would do anything for anyone, so even though it makes no sense, it's easy to see why I can't walk away when needed.

I want to see what happens, or if the person will change, even though I know nothing will and they won't, because I don't want to feel like I gave up too early. I feel like I just have to know and not have the what if factor looming over my head, even though I do already know the truth in my heart. Sometimes I wonder why I'm like this, but deep inside I know. I just want to do what's best for everyone, and so I hang in there, don't walk away, give people millions of chances, and try, so that when I walk away, I have no more questions, no more what ifs.

When I do get out of the relationship, I am fine. I am always fine. I'm a little bruised, but it's never anything that I can't fix very easily. I don't go into a mass depression, or beat myself up over it. I stayed in it long enough to do things that let me know that it's not me, it's the kind of person they are, and that I can never change them. I've been in relationships where it's been me, so I'm not saying that I haven't, and I know, too, when it is me, and am not afraid to admit it. I am always okay with my decision to walk away, whether I end up being disappointed in myself, or the other party, I can deal. I can keep my head high and I can move on. I never haven't been able to.

The person I am going to write about soon, I stuck with for three years. I knew it was over last year, yet I hung in there. I gave them a chance. I told them to stop hurting me, that I was going to walk away, and if they really wanted to change, to come to me and I would help them. They were were drowning, killing themselves with substances. They treated me like shit and made the substances more important than friendship, which was when I knew I'd never be able to help this person.

They did come to me, though. They said they were ready to change. I gave it my all like I always do, because I'm always all in with someone, which is maybe why I can tell so quickly if things are going to work out or not, what kind of person they really are. I can always see it, even though sometimes I don't want to, refuse to.

This person lied to me. They did not want help. They wanted someone to use, to do what they needed someone to do for them, and I am not that person. I do not regret the way things ended. I know now that they will never change, and they will always treat me like shit, hurt me, and want to use me. This is a far cry from the best friend I had three years ago, the only person I could tell anything to, trusted, and was safe with. But people change, and I know this as much as I know the sun will rise in the morning. (Unless you live in Alaska and are currently under six months of darkness, then not so much.)

I never wish anyone ill will. Sometimes, just for a few seconds, I ponder not caring what happens to them, but that's not me. You could be my worst enemy, and I still wish you no harm. At the end of the day, you have to live with yourself, I do not. I am happy with who I am, comfortable with it, and I enjoy being myself. I'm not afraid to be. The way I figure it, I am not the best person, but I am going to be okay because of all those things listed above. The people I walked away from have all been self masochists in one way or another, and they will not be. I figure that is bad enough punishment for them, but even that I wish they didn't have to go through. I believe it's karma. You get back what you give to yourself and others.

Respect yourself, or no one else will.