Today I would like to finish yesterday’s post by adding more song that help you get by in hard times. But first thing is first.
I would like to thank Zoe for her wonderful comment. Going through what I did definitely made me stronger. You’re welcome for the advice given, and if you ever want to talk about your situation, my email is in my profile. You can always feel free to email me. I will talk things out with you from an objective point of view. I really hope whatever is going on with you also makes you stronger, and that you get through it with the poise and grace that I know you hold inside.
I guess at the end of the day, after all these years, the only thing I know how to say is that boys will be boys. We will never understand them or them us, but we make due. Sometimes it’s not easy and sometimes it just clicks, but if the person is right for you, through all the trial and fire, you will always end up together in the end. Learning to let go when it’s not right is the hardest thing to do, but if you follow both your heart and your gut, you will always know what to do. It may not be clear right away, or even in a week, but one day you will know with total confidence what is right, and also have the strength to do what you need to do to make yourself happy without hurting the other person. This always happens before you hit rock bottom, even if it hurts and rips you apart. Those scars will heal into new things, and you’ll have a new found hope that you can carry with you into another situation. All the frogs we kiss are there to let us know when we find out Prince.
I don’t know your specific situation, so I’m not sure if that helped. Like I said, if you want to talk it out, please email me. I am here for you.
As for the follow button, I am working on fixing this. I've looked into it and the way I understand, I’m not the only one having this problem. It seems like the follow button just got legs and ran away on several people’s blogs, and now it’s playing hide and seek and no one can find it again. What I’m saying is apparently there’s a Blogger wide game of hide and seek going on, and boy are those follow buttons crafty. As soon as I find out what’s going on or how to fix it, I promise I will get it fixed. If you or anyone else would like me to email you when I update, let me know and I can do so.
Second, I would like to touch on the “Dear Cassadee” advice column I mentioned yesterday. Apparently people thought this would be a good idea, which was something I didn’t expect at all when I had mentioned it. I decided that, if you want me to do a "Dear Cassadee" column, I shall. I thought this out and here are the rules and guidelines. Well, not so much the former as the latter.
*If you would like to submit a question, story or inquiry for advice, you can email me at RubyTwilight@verizon.net or PoetorFraud@verizon.net. You can also contact me through my Facebook page, Myspace page, or leave a comment on the blog. However you want to handle it. If you would like my screen names for AIM or Windows Messenger, they are available upon request. I am very friendly, and if you send me a friend request on any of these ports, I promise to friend you back as well. On a side note, you did not go to the wrong place. That is actually me. Cassadee Willows is my pen name.
*You will remain anonymous unless you otherwise specify that you would not like to. This is totally your choice and I respect your privacy, and will not give out any of your information.
*You may ask for advice about anything, no matter how odd. If you want advice on what to do with your rooster that just can’t quite understand how to speak his or her piece at sunrise, but instead does it whenever he wakes his butt up, I can cover that, too. If there is something I find that I can not cover, I will research it, ask around, and if I still can’t come up with a good answer, I will honestly tell you instead of feeding you junk just to do it. That’s not fair to you.
*By contacting me for advice, you understand that I am not a licensed professional and any advice I give is done only to be helpful. You do not have to take my advice, but instead evaluate it to your situation and do what feels right in your heart. No one truly knows what to do but you. I’m just trying to give the best advice I can, and hopefully I'll help you to find a way to help you best deal with remedy the problem that works best for you.
*If you feel I did not cover your problem correctly, feel free to email me or leave a comment telling me what I did completely wrong and I promise to fix it in the best way possible.
*If you want advice on something, or would just like someone to talk to about an event in your life, but don’t want it on the blog, feel free to contact me. I will be happy to lend an ear. If I do not get back to you immediately, please don’t be offended. All inquiries will usually be answered within 24 to 48 hours unless, for some reason, I can absolutely not get to a computer. As long as I get your message, I will not ignore you.
*If you have any other questions about the guidelines, just ask.
Third, I would like to tell a cute little story. Aunt Bev is in her sixties. Today she called my mom and this is the end of the conversation I heard in a nutshell. “Just pull on the cord on the side...you know what, no, don’t even do it. I will come over and help you. DO NOT TRY TO MOW YOUR LAWN YOURSELF! DON’T DO IT!” Apparently age is just a number, because she has no idea how to start a lawn mower, far more how to use it on the grass. I love my Aunt Bev.
Now I shall move onto part two of yesterday’s post, continuing with songs that move me, and are helpful in many situations, but especially through situations pertaining to heartache.
Cemetery Drive by My Chemical Romance - This song hits me in a very personal place. I have never had a friend take their own life, but I’ve had a friend try. When I hear words to songs, I often find myself picturing the story the song is telling. This one goes in with a one-two punch, and ends with a knockout that reminds me of just how difficult it is to lose someone in any sense.
I Bruise Easily by Natasha Bedingfield - This song illustrates so dearly how one feels when entering into a new relationship after having loved and lost. It speaks of insecurities and walls we put up, as well as facades we put on. It’s a lover’s cry for help, begging someone to be as gentle as possible, even if you can’t convey the words you wish to.
Underneath It All by No Doubt - This is one of those songs where both the music and lyrics tell a story. The music will remind you of a warm day on the beach with a Pina Colada, while the lyrics tell of falling in love and the honeymoon stage of a relationship. This song is everything it should be. We often attach love with easy, simple feelings, when that’s not at all what it ends up to be, but at the beginning when everything is just so easy, this song becomes the soundtrack to it.
Suffocated by Orianthi - I don’t know how many of you have heard of this girl, but she was a guitarist for Michael Jackson’s ill fated "This Is It" tour. The girl is wicked with both her guitar and her vocals. This is one of those songs that takes the rawness of a relationship, the bad blood, and the murdered ending, and puts it all on the line. It doesn’t hold any of the mess or fight back. It admits fault and anger, while also telling the other person just how you think things should be for them now that it's all fallen apart.
Believe by Orianthi - Believe is a complete different story from the last one. It’s about seeing someone and knowing that’s who you want, and they are the one for you. Then it all goes to hell, because you do get that person, but you’re not longer yourself with them. Even still, you want to keep believing in love. You want to and will go on. There’s more out there than just the person that was once in front of you. It’s about not giving up.
She Had the World by Panic at the Disco - This song illustrates so beautifully how someone can have everything they want, the world can be in their hands, but they’re are still sad because the person the really want is the one thing they can never have.
Unhearted by Automatic Loveletter - This is one of those songs that absolutely no one could sing but Juliet Simms. You feel her pain and you get so engrossed in her story that, after awhile, you begin to feel lucky, because you know she’s been through what you’ve been through but one worse. She’s telling her own story while telling a story everyone is similar with in a delicately beautiful manner that makes your heart twinge.
Brighter by Paramore - Even though this person is leaving and walking away, you still want them to know that they are one of the shining stars in your life. No matter how it ended, they always will be. It’s a plea for them to not leave, but an understanding that the chips will fall as they may and you will not think less of the person for it.
Turn It Off by Paramore - Everyone has found themselves between a rock and a hard place, and then sliding slowing down the side of a cliff until they can’t see the light anymore. Everyone has dealt with balancing their pride and finding where vulnerability turns into beauty once all the spite clears. This song represents that. It shows that two people with the same condition can’t be cured unless one lets themselves fall just to find themselves again.
Hallelujah by Paramore - This song is simply about not giving up so you can fall in love, but has the complexity to describe what everyone has felt at one point in a relationship. It’s about waking up and trying to find your way out of your feelings, but you’re still falling in love and can’t see an end to it.
It's All Your Fault by Pink - What I love about this album particularly is that it comes from a place of vulnerability, whereas Pink is known for her songs about kicking ass and taking names later. She lets her guard down and shows that love can break even the strongest people. She lays it all on the line in this song, while still putting her own limitations on the person, because she’s not the kind of girl to sit and wait around, even though it’s so clear she would do anything and wait as long as she had to just to have this person.
Who Knew by Pink - This song reminds me of one particular person, and if I could ever listen to this song without crying I would start to wonder if I ever really cared for that person. It says everything I’ve wanted to say and can’t. It’s about believing what someone tells you when they are right in front of you, only to watch them twist and change, and then do the inevitable. It’s about loss and how it haunts you. It’s about remembering and hurting. She opens up her chest and rips her own heart out for this one.
Another Love Story by Play - In relationships there will always be a stronger person and a person who is still trying to heal from another relationship. This song is about being the strong one who understands what the other has been through, and is willing to help them fix it, but at the same time they are doing it by giving them tough love. Get up and scrape yourself back off. Show me something inside of you and I will take care of all of your fears. It’s about subtle trust.
What If I Leave by Rachel Yamagata - This song plays devil’s advocate. It deals with the fact of being with someone who doesn’t give you what you need, but being so head over heels that you bleed for them continuously just to keep them. You realize you can’t continue to do this, so you toy with the idea of leaving, but you don’t know if you could get that foot out of the door. You wonder what would happen if you did.
I Don’t Miss You At All by Selena Gomez - What I particularly love about this song is that it’s different from the other songs on this list. It’s about truly being over someone, but at the same time, you feel the need to gleefully announce this to everyone. In its own way, though, it also plays devil’s advocate by telling the person that you hope they don’t call, because to boys that usually means that they will call you. This is a more lighthearted song that really socks it to someone at the same time and is clearly meant to break someone’s heart the way they broke yours. It’s a revenge song it its own right.
In the Sun by She and Him - This song has all the cheekiness of an old jazz song, mixed with heavy toned vocals via Zooey Deschanel. The lyrics are hard, but the music is upbeat and fun, and the chorus makes you outright want to dance. This song embodies looking at a bad situation from a perky point of view without becoming cheesy.
Perfect World by Simple Plan - "In a perfect world, you would still be here." Nothing is perfect. Nothing ever will be, but that doesn’t mean we’ll stop relying on perfection and hoping that it comes through for us just once.
Smoke + Mirrors by Skye Sweetnam - The opening lines in this song immediately let you know about the singer’s admitted naivety, leaving it all on the line. Then the song takes a turn and tells about how the person will keep fighting no matter what it takes, no matter how naive they are. They will not give up, because they will come out on the brighter side and prevail. We can all take a lesson from this.
I’m Only Me When I’m With You by Taylor Swift - There’s something about this song that just makes me feel good. As I said before, I visualize the story the person is telling, and there’s a certain romance to sitting underneath the stars with someone who is strictly just yours and no one else’s. They belong to themselves, and their heart is shared with you. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, this song lifts me up and gives me the warm and fuzzies like no other. I want to be the girl in this story and I want to experience this for myself.
Rinse by Vanessa Carlton - “She would suffer, she would fight and compromise.” When you want no one but one person, sometimes you become so blind to what it is that you actually need. When you realize that you can’t live for another person, you realize that person has to go, but that you don’t know how to rinse them away. You know you want the person to know everything you’re feeling, but they never will. Even if they did, you know it won’t make a difference.
In Another Life by The Veronicas - Although I personally have never known this exact story of someone I grew up and fell in love with, there’s a certain romance to it. Even if you haven’t known someone your whole life, there’s always that person that you feel like you have and a little love story develops before you even know it. There are certain lines in this song I find myself singing over and over again with what I’ve gone through. It speaks to my core. Note the lines: “I was in love with your memory.” and “You know I love you, I really do, but I can’t fight anymore for you.”
Cigarettes by The Wreckers - I am far from a country girl at the same time that I am far from anything but. There’s a lot of country where I live, and although heart and soul I want more than this, this is what I am and where I came from. I know what it’s like to listen to sad songs as you drive around the back roads in the complete quiet of the dead of night, and think about finding that one person you won’t have to compromise yourself for. I’ve been this girl, minus the cigarettes. Don’t smoke, guy. It’s icky.
A Secret Worth Keeping by The Fire Restart - There’s not anything I can say about this song that will describe how it gets under your skin and digs there unapologetically. If you need a song to scream to, this is the one.
Here It Goes by Ok Go - This has nothing to do with the song, but there's no way you can watch this video and still be sad. No freaking way.
Hopefully these songs will keep you all busy for awhile. I am going to take things one day at a time with my own situation, because I finally feel free inside. The thing with reconnecting with someone is that you don’t know what to expect, or what you will learn about that person. Sometimes you need to keep that person at arms length once you learn those things, even though you’re dying inside to just hug them, and sometimes that’s the one thing you’re totally okay with and feel whole over. You just need to make sure that person is okay. You don’t have to see them to know that, but if later things settle and you realize it’s time, you have that option to make plans with them.
So guys, I guess the moral of the story is this: everything just needs time.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Dear Cassadee - Part 1
Last year on my blog, I waned over pieces of a story that ended in my blog sounding like an advice column for the lonely and heartbroken. I promised that one day I would tell you all the story of what happened, since it seems I didn’t really tell anyone. It took me a long time to come with terms and make sense of what went on, but finally I’ve been able to and the story has come full circle, so I feel now would be the time that, with an open heart, I can convey to you what all my mysterious parts of puzzle pieces were about.
This is a story that obviously has two sides, since I wasn’t in this alone. I will tell you the story from the most objective point of view possible. To tell you my story, I have to tell you someone else’s at the same time. In order to keep the identity of this person private, I’m not going to mention any names. They will simply be referred to as “Friend.” I know this sounds ominous, but I promise that it’s not. I’m not going to get into the entire debacle of a mess that was made over the past three years, but instead tell the story without making it into a novel, giving you the best liner notes possible without prying too much. This is a post of no excuses and no reasons given for what happened. It just is.
Several years ago I got myself a job at the local electronics store. As it turned out, I was the only girl working on the sales floor. At this time, I was extremely insecure with myself and couldn’t even bring myself to talk to boys, so this was a new challenge for me that I was both scared, but interested in taking on since I was dying to grow as a person. I will be the first to admit that my issues with men stem from my father leaving, and from the treatment he gave me when he was around, but that is another story for another time and place.
Naturally, I was forced to settle in and became less shy with men as time went on, but I found myself still very clueless and vulnerable. I also found myself wanting to explore relationships with men that required being more than just friends. I was twenty at the time and had never had that opportunity. Part of this was because I was shy around men, and the other part was because I was home schooled due to illness through high school, and lacked the interaction I needed.
I met a boy at work who I knew was all wrong for me, but I was always encouraged to date “for experience.” This obviously didn’t go well because I wasn’t that interested in this person, but while dating them I met Friend. Friend was a genuinely sweet guy, who, at the time, had a girlfriend and was going to school to be a psychologist. Little did I know, Friend was about to make a big impact on my life in the most unusual of ways.
After my “relationship” with the guy I wasn’t really interested in, this left me more confused than ever about the world of dating. Friend spent two hours sitting in the car with me after work just talking out my fears and hesitations, and helping me try to make sense of things. You have to understand that this was the first time I had actually held any kind of conversation with Friend, and the first time we’d ever been alone to talk. The fact that he offered to sit and talk with me the way he did said leaps and bounds about the kind of person he was. I decided then and there that I must have this person as a permanent Friend.
A few months went by and we saw each other at work only, but talked all the time, both when we had a chance to at work, and online. In the mean time I had begun to date another guy I wasn’t interested in, only this time it ended even more disastrous. Friend was there.
While the whirlwind of bad relationships, and the fact that I was dating people like my father without realizing it, were setting in, I left my job in search of a new one because I realized the guys I was meeting and were dating there were very toxic. I also realized that the company was poorly ran and difficult to work for. For just over minimum wage, it simply wasn’t worth it.
Friend and I kept in touch no matter what. Friend had expressed his interest in me several times, but would never cheat on his girlfriend, and I would never get involved in anything like that. Truth be told, I saw this person as only a friend, possibly because he had always had the same girlfriend since I knew him, and nothing more. So when he and his girlfriend broke up and things started to develop between us, I wasn’t just surprised, I was scared to death.
This was a person who had gotten me through the worst of times. This person knew everything I hid from everyone else. I trusted this person more than I had ever trusted anyone before. I didn’t want to do anything to mess that up. I had feelings for him I didn’t even know about, but also didn’t know what I was feeling at the same time. No one had looked at me the way he did, and when he said things, I truly knew he meant them. I knew I would be in good hands with him and he’d take nothing but the best care of me. I was unsure, which caused me to be scared. This caused a lot of problems for the both of us.
Before I knew it, we were messing up things all over the place and then walking away from each other, only to come back every six months or so and do it again. Either I wasn’t ready, or he wasn’t ready. This had become a pattern for us, one that I didn’t like but had gotten used to. Just when I thought we had nothing figured out, I realized I was wrong and we had less than nothing figured out, because tragedy struck and absolutely everything changed in every way possible.
Between October and May of 2008 - 2009, I grew up a lot. I realized what my problems were with the men I was picking, and why I was picking them. I had learned to express myself and stand up for myself. I had pulled myself together and found out truly who I was and I was settled into that. The next time Friend came around, I would have it all figured out. I would know what to tell him. Only he told me one worse.
In this time, Friend had gone through a lot which led up to him being in a car accident. This then led him to do several things which I won’t elaborate on, but I was scared for his life. He said he wanted help, so I invited him over to help him find someone to provide the help I so obviously couldn't. The person who showed up at my door was not Friend. They were indeed someone I didn’t know and Friend was gone. I didn’t even know how to react. I felt helpless.
When I told Friend I needed to talk to him and he ignored it, every time I saw him only pretending like he had no idea I had asked to speak with him about something, I knew there wasn't a trace of him left. This was the boy that I spoke to about everything, and who had always dropped everything to listen to me. He spoiled me, I realize, but I had always thought I had done an okay job of having this be a two way thing. Now that was shattered.
Just as I figured out how I really felt for him, that I was in love with him and had been too afraid to admit it, Friend was gone and I was chasing a ghost; a shell that was his, but a spirit that belonged to someone else. I tried to help him, I wanted to, but when he told me in so many words that beer was more important than me, I knew he would never be the same person again. By holding on, I was slowly going to drag myself into a deep depression that I didn’t know if I could get out of. The only option I had to save myself was to let go.
I didn’t handle this correctly. I was rude to Friend next time I saw him. I immediately felt bad and wrote him a letter explaining everything. It was a good letter, one of which I still have, but I never had the guts to give it to him. I knew I had to walk away, and to this day I know I did the right thing, but I also knew that I should have explained things to him. He didn’t deserve the way that I walked away and it bothered me.
However, it was put on the back burner as I went through a hurricane of emotions that ranged from extreme hurt, to awful anger and back again. I was in such disbelief about being in love with someone’s memory, that I couldn’t process anything, so I stopped thinking about it out of force and tried to rebuild everything.
It took me a long time, but more recently I came to terms with the entire situation. That’s when I sincerely started to worry about Friend, and if he was even still alive. I wondered what he was up to if he was, and how he was making out. At first I pushed it away, but then it gnawed at me until I couldn’t take it anymore. It took me awhile, but I finally got the guts to track friend down. I found him on Facebook, friended him, and then proceeded to write him a letter apologizing for the way I had walked away from him. He deserved this apology.
I quite honestly expected to hear nothing back, but I was suddenly completely okay with this. I realized that I had let go of him in so many ways, even though the way I felt for him would always exist. I wasn’t hurting over the situation anymore. What did hurt was how I handled things. I carried this guilt with me, and just being able to apologize that I let my own fears and pride get in the way was enough to lift a weight off of my shoulders that was bigger than I knew I was carrying. I apologized because he deserved it, and I forced myself to let my guard down and be vulnerable because I had to. I didn't do this because I wanted something out of Rriend, or expected anything, but because I needed to do this. He deserved an apology.
Friend did reply to me, and today we got to talking about some things. I have no expectations going into this, but I know that the relationship we had in the past just can not continue. It doesn’t matter if we become friends again, or if we just talk here and there. As long as I know he’s okay, I’m okay. In loving someone, you realize that once all the anger and the madness clears, the only thing that matters, if you really did love them, is that they’re okay. If you could move heaven and earth, you’d want them to be happy, but happiness is up to them and ultimately what they choose to accept. You have no control over them, or the situation. All you can do is be the best person you can be and have faith that things will work out how they are supposed to.
This is where I’m going to sound like an advice column in. I think the things I’ve learned and carried with me over the last year are important to notate here. If my own story can help at least one person go through a tough time, that’s all that will matter to me.
1. Everyone is scared, and no one likes to be vulnerable. If you really care for the person you will be able to push those fears out of the way and stop blaming the other person. You will be able to stop looking for reasons as to why things went the way they did, and stop making excuses. It won’t be today or tomorrow. It may not even be a year from now, but one day you will. It’s how you handle it once you’ve learned to drop your defenses that makes you who you are inside.
2. They always say anger is just masked hurt feelings. I’ve heard people call bull crap on this one, but I can honestly say that’s exactly what anger is. What happens in your past does effect your future, and it can find a way to drag behind you like a ball and chain until you shut yourself down. You can’t do that. Sometimes you have to break the chain and not let it overtake you.
3. Sometimes we spend our lives being the kind of person that we want someone to see us as. We bring parts and pieces of ourselves into this equation, but we never really bring our full selves. That’s when you realize that you haven’t accepted truly who you are. As an adult, you will always like things you liked when you were eight and that is totally okay. Don’t be embarrassed by that. Let your soul sing to whatever tune it wants, and if someone else hears it as out of key, that’s not the right person for you. Only showing them what you want to show them of yourself is not going to get you anywhere but in the arms of the wrong person. It will never be fair to you or them if you let that happen.
4. It is okay and acceptable to go back and apologize to someone almost a year after the fact, as long as you’re doing it for the right reasons. If you do it for self gratification and not because you really mean what you say, you’re only going to dig yourself into a deeper hole. Apologize because you want to and because the person truly deserves it. Don’t apologize because you think you have to.
5. When someone falls into a hole and refuses your help, keep pushing. If they begin to tear a hole in your heart, sometimes you have to walk away and there’s nothing wrong with that. Just make sure that when you do, you let them know why. Don’t antagonize them or badger them. Don’t make them out to be a bad person. Simply tell them that what they are doing to themselves hurts you too badly to sit around and watch them continue to do it. You would be happy to stay if they would just accept help from you and take a leap of faith, but if they have no will to change, you will not stand by and watch them hurt or kill themselves because that is not fair to you. It is not fair to them either, and you think a lot more of them that what they think about themselves. You just want them to see themselves the way that you do. Tell them you will always be there for them if they get in a bind, or really do decide they want to break the habit that even they know is wrong and is going to kill them, but until then you can not sit around while they continue to push you away harder everyday. Tell them that you’re not walking because you don’t care, but for the opposite reason. You love them.
6. Take the time and experience and use it to learn and grow. Time isn’t judgmental and you can borrow as much as you want without having to explain to anyone. Figure out why you do what you do and what makes you tick. Break yourself down and, instead of justifying things, be honest with yourself. This will get you further than pushing the situation out of your mind will, and you will ultimately be a happier person at the end of the day.
7. We all do things for a reason, even the smallest ones. If there’s something you’re doing or have done that you don’t like, take the time to figure out why. Don’t make excuses or blame others, but find what it is inside of yourself that allows you to justify these decisions to yourself even when you know you are wrong. Don’t be afraid to push through it, and don’t let your selfish pride get in the way. This is the hardest thing to do and you will cry, because usually at the end of the gray brick road, are fears and hurt. On the other side, there’s a yellow brick road, and if you’re lucky, you may just see a dancing munchkin or two who have not been squished by Dorothy’s house or been put in harm’s way by The Wicked Witch of the West. You’re protector will be Glenda the Good Witch.
8. Don’t have expectations when reentering a situation. If you do, no matter how small they are, they will always be crushed. Go into the situation unbiased and take what you get out of it. You could get the best outcome possible, or you could get the worst. You could even get the best, but then find out the worst about the person later, or about yourself. You have to be prepared for this.
9. When apologizing to someone, be prepared for anything they could possibly ever ask you, and be ready to answer honestly. If you are not at a place where you can answer any question, no matter how personal, that they have pertaining to the situation, you are not ready to deal with it. It’s okay. Take more time. If you go into the situation and end up just lying to them, or shutting down when they ask what you don’t want to answer because you’re not ready, you’re going to lose your chance to truly give them the apology that you want to, and you most likely won’t get another. You're short changing yourself and that person.
10. Listen to music, any music you want. Don’t stick to a genre, or even certain types of lyrics. Just listen to what you feel. And rock out to it, too. The more you rock out, the louder you sing and the more off key you are, the better, because, at the end of the it all, you will feel insane, free and a billion times better, even if it is just for a little while.
Here are some songs I suggest for any emotion:
Best Days of Your Life by Kellie Pickler and Taylor Swift - No matter what genre of music you listen to, everyone is going to have that time in their life when they meet someone, and then easily realize after it’s all said and done, that you were with the wrong person. Being as such, you actually feel bad for the person, because they treated you like junk, realized you were the one, and then wanted you back when you’re not interested. The lyrics in this song tell them to take a hike in a very girl empowering way. The music video tells them to take a hike in a completely different way.
Carry On Wayward Son by Kansas - Everyone needs a little seventies rock in their life. Everyone needs to rock out. Everyone knows someone who went wayward at one time or another, or lost someone and wanted to see them at peace. This song has it all.
Party In the USA by Miley Cyrus - Look, don’t stone me for this. Whether you like Miley or not, this is a damn catch and super cheesy song. There’s no way you can’t smile your emotions out if you just try to dance to it. Even if you’re making fun of her while you’re doing it, making fun of people is ultimately having fun, so this works for all angles.
Janie’s Got a Gun by Aerosmith - This is one of those songs that makes me smile because of the personal story that goes behind it, thus why I shall share the story with you. I once had a friend named Jaynee who was strong willed and overall the opposite of my chicken-shitness. When she would get angry with someone, she would just very subtly start singing this song. She's 5'2 and a skinny-minnie. People backed off. Picture this and tell me that it doesn’t make you smile.
Say Goodbye by Ashlee Simpson - When you listen to the lyrics closely, this one is self explanatory. If you say you’ve never had to deal with a hard goodbye like this, you are lying. Whether it’s the loss of a friendship, or a loss in a more final way, everyone has had their heart broken and had to let go.
Starts With Goodbye by Carrie Underwood - “Sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye.”
Don’t Forget by Demi Lovato - Even in the darkest of situations, no matter the person, you never want them to forget you, or you wonder if they did when they simply turned the other cheek when you used to mean so much to them. This song expresses these emotions in a way that someone so young shouldn’t be able to.
Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow by Carole King - This song plays on everyone’s insecurities when it comes to falling in love and how far to fall before catching yourself. This song is particularly catered to girls, but could work for men as well. Insecurities; we all have them. And yes, this is the lady who ran the music store on Gilmore Girls. I know at least one person is going to ask me that.
Your Star by Evanescence - The metaphors in this song for life and love can be interpreted in many ways, but all that matters is what this song means to you and how it makes you feel. With a haunting piano solo that leads into the music Evanescence became famous for, the instrumental alone will captivate you if Amy Lee’s vocals already haven't.
The Patron Saints of Liars and Fakes by Fall Out Boy - “When it all goes to hell will you be able to tell me sorry with a straight face?”
Borrowed Time by A Fine Frenzy - Melodically this song is appeasing, but it’s the lyrics that will really win you over. It tells a story of how you are not invincible and life is not infinite. What you do with your time, the delicate things you touch and what you let rub off on others matters. You only get once chance.
So Sick by Flyleaf - If you’re pissed and want to rock out with a woman who seriously rocks out, this is the song to go with. There’s girl screamo, there’s anger, there’s telling someone to STFU. It’s perfect. You can feel like an angsty teenager again, even if you aren’t one. If you are, you probably already know this song.
6 Months by Hey Monday - This tells a story of a girl who finds herself safe with someone when she never thought she could. The delicateness of this song, mixed with the heavy vocals and heartfelt emotion make you long for what she has. In longing, we often find the truth.
Happy by Hilary Duff - I know she’s not the most amazing vocalist, but don’t rule this song off of your playlist. It’s deceivingly dancey, but the lyrics tell a story of a girl who is dancing ultimately because she found what she needed inside of herself to break free of someone who used to mean everything in her life. The music expresses her feelings, while the words she sings tell a story of both heartbreak and uplift.
Stronger by Jennifer Love Hewitt - You can pick yourself back up. This story is about a girl who has been around, she’s seen a lot of things with men, and she’s made dumb decisions, but each one has made her stronger. She's the girl next door. It’s about empowering others to make decisions that will make them stronger, too, and learn and grow from every experience.
Be by Jessica Simpson - I think what gets me about this song is that it was written about Nick Lachey during their time of marriage. They are no longer married, obviously, but I think that gives this song more strength. She pours her emotions into this song about finally finding the one and does it with no regret. She put this out here for the world to hear and then her marriage ended. She did not lay down and die. She picked herself up again and is now looking for the person who will embody the meaning of this song for her again.
Long Shot by Katy Perry - I know you guys probably know the Kelly Clarkson version of this song, but Katy originally wrote and recorded it, and as far as I’m concerned, the Kelly version just doesn’t have the emotion that this one does. This song is about finding something inside of you that makes you fearless and taking the long shot in love. She is unafraid and brutally honest with herself about the situation, but she goes for it anyway.
Self Inflicted by Katy Perry - There’s always going to be that one person who you would drop everything for, and every single time you do it hurts, but you keep doing it and you keep inflicting your own wounds. You would continue to do it again and again.
Sick by Lillix - No matter what you do or how you change, sometimes you’re not going to be good enough for someone. That’s okay. Screw them. As long as you are happy with who you are, that’s enough. If they don’t understand you, walk away. If they seep under your skin, become stronger.
One of These Days by Michelle Branch - Something has always struck me romantic about this song, even if I can’t quite put my finger on what exactly it is.
I Don’t Love You by My Chemical Romance - Love hurts. It’s supposed to, but that doesn’t mean you won’t heal and feelings won’t continue to change. It’s part of life.
I will continue the rest of this list tomorrow since it is becoming longer than the actual story of this post itself. Just a quick question, should I start a Dear Cassadee part of this blog where you can write in with questions, stories or advice and I will objectively get back to you with hopefully what will be words of wisdom, or do we all think this is a bad idea?
This is a story that obviously has two sides, since I wasn’t in this alone. I will tell you the story from the most objective point of view possible. To tell you my story, I have to tell you someone else’s at the same time. In order to keep the identity of this person private, I’m not going to mention any names. They will simply be referred to as “Friend.” I know this sounds ominous, but I promise that it’s not. I’m not going to get into the entire debacle of a mess that was made over the past three years, but instead tell the story without making it into a novel, giving you the best liner notes possible without prying too much. This is a post of no excuses and no reasons given for what happened. It just is.
Several years ago I got myself a job at the local electronics store. As it turned out, I was the only girl working on the sales floor. At this time, I was extremely insecure with myself and couldn’t even bring myself to talk to boys, so this was a new challenge for me that I was both scared, but interested in taking on since I was dying to grow as a person. I will be the first to admit that my issues with men stem from my father leaving, and from the treatment he gave me when he was around, but that is another story for another time and place.
Naturally, I was forced to settle in and became less shy with men as time went on, but I found myself still very clueless and vulnerable. I also found myself wanting to explore relationships with men that required being more than just friends. I was twenty at the time and had never had that opportunity. Part of this was because I was shy around men, and the other part was because I was home schooled due to illness through high school, and lacked the interaction I needed.
I met a boy at work who I knew was all wrong for me, but I was always encouraged to date “for experience.” This obviously didn’t go well because I wasn’t that interested in this person, but while dating them I met Friend. Friend was a genuinely sweet guy, who, at the time, had a girlfriend and was going to school to be a psychologist. Little did I know, Friend was about to make a big impact on my life in the most unusual of ways.
After my “relationship” with the guy I wasn’t really interested in, this left me more confused than ever about the world of dating. Friend spent two hours sitting in the car with me after work just talking out my fears and hesitations, and helping me try to make sense of things. You have to understand that this was the first time I had actually held any kind of conversation with Friend, and the first time we’d ever been alone to talk. The fact that he offered to sit and talk with me the way he did said leaps and bounds about the kind of person he was. I decided then and there that I must have this person as a permanent Friend.
A few months went by and we saw each other at work only, but talked all the time, both when we had a chance to at work, and online. In the mean time I had begun to date another guy I wasn’t interested in, only this time it ended even more disastrous. Friend was there.
While the whirlwind of bad relationships, and the fact that I was dating people like my father without realizing it, were setting in, I left my job in search of a new one because I realized the guys I was meeting and were dating there were very toxic. I also realized that the company was poorly ran and difficult to work for. For just over minimum wage, it simply wasn’t worth it.
Friend and I kept in touch no matter what. Friend had expressed his interest in me several times, but would never cheat on his girlfriend, and I would never get involved in anything like that. Truth be told, I saw this person as only a friend, possibly because he had always had the same girlfriend since I knew him, and nothing more. So when he and his girlfriend broke up and things started to develop between us, I wasn’t just surprised, I was scared to death.
This was a person who had gotten me through the worst of times. This person knew everything I hid from everyone else. I trusted this person more than I had ever trusted anyone before. I didn’t want to do anything to mess that up. I had feelings for him I didn’t even know about, but also didn’t know what I was feeling at the same time. No one had looked at me the way he did, and when he said things, I truly knew he meant them. I knew I would be in good hands with him and he’d take nothing but the best care of me. I was unsure, which caused me to be scared. This caused a lot of problems for the both of us.
Before I knew it, we were messing up things all over the place and then walking away from each other, only to come back every six months or so and do it again. Either I wasn’t ready, or he wasn’t ready. This had become a pattern for us, one that I didn’t like but had gotten used to. Just when I thought we had nothing figured out, I realized I was wrong and we had less than nothing figured out, because tragedy struck and absolutely everything changed in every way possible.
Between October and May of 2008 - 2009, I grew up a lot. I realized what my problems were with the men I was picking, and why I was picking them. I had learned to express myself and stand up for myself. I had pulled myself together and found out truly who I was and I was settled into that. The next time Friend came around, I would have it all figured out. I would know what to tell him. Only he told me one worse.
In this time, Friend had gone through a lot which led up to him being in a car accident. This then led him to do several things which I won’t elaborate on, but I was scared for his life. He said he wanted help, so I invited him over to help him find someone to provide the help I so obviously couldn't. The person who showed up at my door was not Friend. They were indeed someone I didn’t know and Friend was gone. I didn’t even know how to react. I felt helpless.
When I told Friend I needed to talk to him and he ignored it, every time I saw him only pretending like he had no idea I had asked to speak with him about something, I knew there wasn't a trace of him left. This was the boy that I spoke to about everything, and who had always dropped everything to listen to me. He spoiled me, I realize, but I had always thought I had done an okay job of having this be a two way thing. Now that was shattered.
Just as I figured out how I really felt for him, that I was in love with him and had been too afraid to admit it, Friend was gone and I was chasing a ghost; a shell that was his, but a spirit that belonged to someone else. I tried to help him, I wanted to, but when he told me in so many words that beer was more important than me, I knew he would never be the same person again. By holding on, I was slowly going to drag myself into a deep depression that I didn’t know if I could get out of. The only option I had to save myself was to let go.
I didn’t handle this correctly. I was rude to Friend next time I saw him. I immediately felt bad and wrote him a letter explaining everything. It was a good letter, one of which I still have, but I never had the guts to give it to him. I knew I had to walk away, and to this day I know I did the right thing, but I also knew that I should have explained things to him. He didn’t deserve the way that I walked away and it bothered me.
However, it was put on the back burner as I went through a hurricane of emotions that ranged from extreme hurt, to awful anger and back again. I was in such disbelief about being in love with someone’s memory, that I couldn’t process anything, so I stopped thinking about it out of force and tried to rebuild everything.
It took me a long time, but more recently I came to terms with the entire situation. That’s when I sincerely started to worry about Friend, and if he was even still alive. I wondered what he was up to if he was, and how he was making out. At first I pushed it away, but then it gnawed at me until I couldn’t take it anymore. It took me awhile, but I finally got the guts to track friend down. I found him on Facebook, friended him, and then proceeded to write him a letter apologizing for the way I had walked away from him. He deserved this apology.
I quite honestly expected to hear nothing back, but I was suddenly completely okay with this. I realized that I had let go of him in so many ways, even though the way I felt for him would always exist. I wasn’t hurting over the situation anymore. What did hurt was how I handled things. I carried this guilt with me, and just being able to apologize that I let my own fears and pride get in the way was enough to lift a weight off of my shoulders that was bigger than I knew I was carrying. I apologized because he deserved it, and I forced myself to let my guard down and be vulnerable because I had to. I didn't do this because I wanted something out of Rriend, or expected anything, but because I needed to do this. He deserved an apology.
Friend did reply to me, and today we got to talking about some things. I have no expectations going into this, but I know that the relationship we had in the past just can not continue. It doesn’t matter if we become friends again, or if we just talk here and there. As long as I know he’s okay, I’m okay. In loving someone, you realize that once all the anger and the madness clears, the only thing that matters, if you really did love them, is that they’re okay. If you could move heaven and earth, you’d want them to be happy, but happiness is up to them and ultimately what they choose to accept. You have no control over them, or the situation. All you can do is be the best person you can be and have faith that things will work out how they are supposed to.
This is where I’m going to sound like an advice column in. I think the things I’ve learned and carried with me over the last year are important to notate here. If my own story can help at least one person go through a tough time, that’s all that will matter to me.
1. Everyone is scared, and no one likes to be vulnerable. If you really care for the person you will be able to push those fears out of the way and stop blaming the other person. You will be able to stop looking for reasons as to why things went the way they did, and stop making excuses. It won’t be today or tomorrow. It may not even be a year from now, but one day you will. It’s how you handle it once you’ve learned to drop your defenses that makes you who you are inside.
2. They always say anger is just masked hurt feelings. I’ve heard people call bull crap on this one, but I can honestly say that’s exactly what anger is. What happens in your past does effect your future, and it can find a way to drag behind you like a ball and chain until you shut yourself down. You can’t do that. Sometimes you have to break the chain and not let it overtake you.
3. Sometimes we spend our lives being the kind of person that we want someone to see us as. We bring parts and pieces of ourselves into this equation, but we never really bring our full selves. That’s when you realize that you haven’t accepted truly who you are. As an adult, you will always like things you liked when you were eight and that is totally okay. Don’t be embarrassed by that. Let your soul sing to whatever tune it wants, and if someone else hears it as out of key, that’s not the right person for you. Only showing them what you want to show them of yourself is not going to get you anywhere but in the arms of the wrong person. It will never be fair to you or them if you let that happen.
4. It is okay and acceptable to go back and apologize to someone almost a year after the fact, as long as you’re doing it for the right reasons. If you do it for self gratification and not because you really mean what you say, you’re only going to dig yourself into a deeper hole. Apologize because you want to and because the person truly deserves it. Don’t apologize because you think you have to.
5. When someone falls into a hole and refuses your help, keep pushing. If they begin to tear a hole in your heart, sometimes you have to walk away and there’s nothing wrong with that. Just make sure that when you do, you let them know why. Don’t antagonize them or badger them. Don’t make them out to be a bad person. Simply tell them that what they are doing to themselves hurts you too badly to sit around and watch them continue to do it. You would be happy to stay if they would just accept help from you and take a leap of faith, but if they have no will to change, you will not stand by and watch them hurt or kill themselves because that is not fair to you. It is not fair to them either, and you think a lot more of them that what they think about themselves. You just want them to see themselves the way that you do. Tell them you will always be there for them if they get in a bind, or really do decide they want to break the habit that even they know is wrong and is going to kill them, but until then you can not sit around while they continue to push you away harder everyday. Tell them that you’re not walking because you don’t care, but for the opposite reason. You love them.
6. Take the time and experience and use it to learn and grow. Time isn’t judgmental and you can borrow as much as you want without having to explain to anyone. Figure out why you do what you do and what makes you tick. Break yourself down and, instead of justifying things, be honest with yourself. This will get you further than pushing the situation out of your mind will, and you will ultimately be a happier person at the end of the day.
7. We all do things for a reason, even the smallest ones. If there’s something you’re doing or have done that you don’t like, take the time to figure out why. Don’t make excuses or blame others, but find what it is inside of yourself that allows you to justify these decisions to yourself even when you know you are wrong. Don’t be afraid to push through it, and don’t let your selfish pride get in the way. This is the hardest thing to do and you will cry, because usually at the end of the gray brick road, are fears and hurt. On the other side, there’s a yellow brick road, and if you’re lucky, you may just see a dancing munchkin or two who have not been squished by Dorothy’s house or been put in harm’s way by The Wicked Witch of the West. You’re protector will be Glenda the Good Witch.
8. Don’t have expectations when reentering a situation. If you do, no matter how small they are, they will always be crushed. Go into the situation unbiased and take what you get out of it. You could get the best outcome possible, or you could get the worst. You could even get the best, but then find out the worst about the person later, or about yourself. You have to be prepared for this.
9. When apologizing to someone, be prepared for anything they could possibly ever ask you, and be ready to answer honestly. If you are not at a place where you can answer any question, no matter how personal, that they have pertaining to the situation, you are not ready to deal with it. It’s okay. Take more time. If you go into the situation and end up just lying to them, or shutting down when they ask what you don’t want to answer because you’re not ready, you’re going to lose your chance to truly give them the apology that you want to, and you most likely won’t get another. You're short changing yourself and that person.
10. Listen to music, any music you want. Don’t stick to a genre, or even certain types of lyrics. Just listen to what you feel. And rock out to it, too. The more you rock out, the louder you sing and the more off key you are, the better, because, at the end of the it all, you will feel insane, free and a billion times better, even if it is just for a little while.
Here are some songs I suggest for any emotion:
Best Days of Your Life by Kellie Pickler and Taylor Swift - No matter what genre of music you listen to, everyone is going to have that time in their life when they meet someone, and then easily realize after it’s all said and done, that you were with the wrong person. Being as such, you actually feel bad for the person, because they treated you like junk, realized you were the one, and then wanted you back when you’re not interested. The lyrics in this song tell them to take a hike in a very girl empowering way. The music video tells them to take a hike in a completely different way.
Carry On Wayward Son by Kansas - Everyone needs a little seventies rock in their life. Everyone needs to rock out. Everyone knows someone who went wayward at one time or another, or lost someone and wanted to see them at peace. This song has it all.
Party In the USA by Miley Cyrus - Look, don’t stone me for this. Whether you like Miley or not, this is a damn catch and super cheesy song. There’s no way you can’t smile your emotions out if you just try to dance to it. Even if you’re making fun of her while you’re doing it, making fun of people is ultimately having fun, so this works for all angles.
Janie’s Got a Gun by Aerosmith - This is one of those songs that makes me smile because of the personal story that goes behind it, thus why I shall share the story with you. I once had a friend named Jaynee who was strong willed and overall the opposite of my chicken-shitness. When she would get angry with someone, she would just very subtly start singing this song. She's 5'2 and a skinny-minnie. People backed off. Picture this and tell me that it doesn’t make you smile.
Say Goodbye by Ashlee Simpson - When you listen to the lyrics closely, this one is self explanatory. If you say you’ve never had to deal with a hard goodbye like this, you are lying. Whether it’s the loss of a friendship, or a loss in a more final way, everyone has had their heart broken and had to let go.
Starts With Goodbye by Carrie Underwood - “Sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye.”
Don’t Forget by Demi Lovato - Even in the darkest of situations, no matter the person, you never want them to forget you, or you wonder if they did when they simply turned the other cheek when you used to mean so much to them. This song expresses these emotions in a way that someone so young shouldn’t be able to.
Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow by Carole King - This song plays on everyone’s insecurities when it comes to falling in love and how far to fall before catching yourself. This song is particularly catered to girls, but could work for men as well. Insecurities; we all have them. And yes, this is the lady who ran the music store on Gilmore Girls. I know at least one person is going to ask me that.
Your Star by Evanescence - The metaphors in this song for life and love can be interpreted in many ways, but all that matters is what this song means to you and how it makes you feel. With a haunting piano solo that leads into the music Evanescence became famous for, the instrumental alone will captivate you if Amy Lee’s vocals already haven't.
The Patron Saints of Liars and Fakes by Fall Out Boy - “When it all goes to hell will you be able to tell me sorry with a straight face?”
Borrowed Time by A Fine Frenzy - Melodically this song is appeasing, but it’s the lyrics that will really win you over. It tells a story of how you are not invincible and life is not infinite. What you do with your time, the delicate things you touch and what you let rub off on others matters. You only get once chance.
So Sick by Flyleaf - If you’re pissed and want to rock out with a woman who seriously rocks out, this is the song to go with. There’s girl screamo, there’s anger, there’s telling someone to STFU. It’s perfect. You can feel like an angsty teenager again, even if you aren’t one. If you are, you probably already know this song.
6 Months by Hey Monday - This tells a story of a girl who finds herself safe with someone when she never thought she could. The delicateness of this song, mixed with the heavy vocals and heartfelt emotion make you long for what she has. In longing, we often find the truth.
Happy by Hilary Duff - I know she’s not the most amazing vocalist, but don’t rule this song off of your playlist. It’s deceivingly dancey, but the lyrics tell a story of a girl who is dancing ultimately because she found what she needed inside of herself to break free of someone who used to mean everything in her life. The music expresses her feelings, while the words she sings tell a story of both heartbreak and uplift.
Stronger by Jennifer Love Hewitt - You can pick yourself back up. This story is about a girl who has been around, she’s seen a lot of things with men, and she’s made dumb decisions, but each one has made her stronger. She's the girl next door. It’s about empowering others to make decisions that will make them stronger, too, and learn and grow from every experience.
Be by Jessica Simpson - I think what gets me about this song is that it was written about Nick Lachey during their time of marriage. They are no longer married, obviously, but I think that gives this song more strength. She pours her emotions into this song about finally finding the one and does it with no regret. She put this out here for the world to hear and then her marriage ended. She did not lay down and die. She picked herself up again and is now looking for the person who will embody the meaning of this song for her again.
Long Shot by Katy Perry - I know you guys probably know the Kelly Clarkson version of this song, but Katy originally wrote and recorded it, and as far as I’m concerned, the Kelly version just doesn’t have the emotion that this one does. This song is about finding something inside of you that makes you fearless and taking the long shot in love. She is unafraid and brutally honest with herself about the situation, but she goes for it anyway.
Self Inflicted by Katy Perry - There’s always going to be that one person who you would drop everything for, and every single time you do it hurts, but you keep doing it and you keep inflicting your own wounds. You would continue to do it again and again.
Sick by Lillix - No matter what you do or how you change, sometimes you’re not going to be good enough for someone. That’s okay. Screw them. As long as you are happy with who you are, that’s enough. If they don’t understand you, walk away. If they seep under your skin, become stronger.
One of These Days by Michelle Branch - Something has always struck me romantic about this song, even if I can’t quite put my finger on what exactly it is.
I Don’t Love You by My Chemical Romance - Love hurts. It’s supposed to, but that doesn’t mean you won’t heal and feelings won’t continue to change. It’s part of life.
I will continue the rest of this list tomorrow since it is becoming longer than the actual story of this post itself. Just a quick question, should I start a Dear Cassadee part of this blog where you can write in with questions, stories or advice and I will objectively get back to you with hopefully what will be words of wisdom, or do we all think this is a bad idea?
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
When Old MacDonald Entertains 24 Year Olds
Just a short blog for today. For the first time in my life, I don't have a lot to say. I do, however, have blogs sitting in cue that need posted. Who thinks I should get on doing that?
Today I totally went to the park and went down the gigantic slide, but not after finagling around a bunch of kids so that I didn't run their cute little butts over and be accused of murder. Where I come from, that would have been a bad thing. And, as most proper ladies do, I let my guy friend go down first to see how slick the slide was, that way, if he flew off the end, I knew that I had to stop myself early. He flew off the end. Lesson learned.
At the park, said friend told me a particular story involving a gnome, but not really. It was the best story I have ever heard, better than anything I could tell you, so once I collaborate with him, I will share the story with all of you.
While at said park, we decided to take a walk down by the lake. This was a mistake seeing as the lake looked way smaller until you were partway around it and it was too late to go back. Either way, we made it, but not without some interesting teenagers coming up behind us and telling a story that I never, ever needed to hear. Actually, it was just the one girl talking. Her friends couldn't get a word in edgewise, but let me tell you where I came in on this conversation.
"So I kissed her, and she kissed Kurt, and then Kurt kissed someone else, and we all went around until we had all kissed each other."
I'm sorry, but I couldn't turn my ears off. She was so loud. Now I was both mortified, and curious. I looked back to see that she was quite young, and worried what the heck kids did these days. Then I instantly felt old. Not as old as I was about to feel. A few minutes later this little doozy of a sentence came along.
"We can't get laid, so that's why we have these parties. That way we can have orgies."
Everything she said from then on in was extremely sexual even when it wasn't. I just couldn't get that out of my head. Who does this and why? She later said she was seventeen. I just...where are her parents? Where? I'm twenty four, responsible and not getting sex, so neither should she. I'm just saying...
We got back in once piece, and thankfully I didn't cut my ears off, but now understand why Van Gogh attempted it. If he had to hear anything like that, I don't blame him one bit. Once we made it back to my house, I successfully managed to get my friend to play with a toy that, when you color on it, it makes the sounds of the animals you're coloring. After you've discovered all four sounds, it plays a song.
Did I mention Aunt Bev got me this for Easter? It's for ages 3 and up. She knows me so well. I am having the time of my life with this thing. Thank you, Aunt Bev.
I also can't neglect the current mining tragedy that occurred yesterday. I sent my condolences to all the families who lost loved ones, and everyone who lost friends. May you have the strength and guidance to learn to live without your loved one while keeping them in your heart, and may all of the dearly departed rest in peace. I will pray for you all.
I have a few more words about this. I understand that only the right people who see this will understand, and that most readers won't. I'm not going to say anymore about the subject. It is what it is.
- Maureen or Marleen (I am so sorry that I didn't completely catch your name), your husband lost his wedding ring a few weeks ago at work. He didn't want to tell you, so he pretended he knew exactly where it was, or that he was having it re-sized. He's sorry that you won't have it to put with him or hold onto, but he still loves you very much.
- Sasha Bear, please don't be mad at your mom for putting a bologna sandwich in your lunch last week. She did not do it. She originally had a hamburger in there, but your dad got hungry and ate your hamburger, and then put the bologna sandwich in there and made you think your mom did it. There was nothing else to substitute with, even though you didn't really like bologna and ended up starving at lunch. He's sorry. Please start talking to your mom again, and stop holding a grudge. She and your brother need you right now.
Last, but certainly not least, I would again like to thank the wonderful person who has commented yet again on my blog. I would love to read your blog as well. I went into your profile but didn't see a link to it. I could totally be having a senior moment and missing it. If you could link me to your blog I would forever be grateful. Thank you again!
Today I totally went to the park and went down the gigantic slide, but not after finagling around a bunch of kids so that I didn't run their cute little butts over and be accused of murder. Where I come from, that would have been a bad thing. And, as most proper ladies do, I let my guy friend go down first to see how slick the slide was, that way, if he flew off the end, I knew that I had to stop myself early. He flew off the end. Lesson learned.
At the park, said friend told me a particular story involving a gnome, but not really. It was the best story I have ever heard, better than anything I could tell you, so once I collaborate with him, I will share the story with all of you.
While at said park, we decided to take a walk down by the lake. This was a mistake seeing as the lake looked way smaller until you were partway around it and it was too late to go back. Either way, we made it, but not without some interesting teenagers coming up behind us and telling a story that I never, ever needed to hear. Actually, it was just the one girl talking. Her friends couldn't get a word in edgewise, but let me tell you where I came in on this conversation.
"So I kissed her, and she kissed Kurt, and then Kurt kissed someone else, and we all went around until we had all kissed each other."
I'm sorry, but I couldn't turn my ears off. She was so loud. Now I was both mortified, and curious. I looked back to see that she was quite young, and worried what the heck kids did these days. Then I instantly felt old. Not as old as I was about to feel. A few minutes later this little doozy of a sentence came along.
"We can't get laid, so that's why we have these parties. That way we can have orgies."
Everything she said from then on in was extremely sexual even when it wasn't. I just couldn't get that out of my head. Who does this and why? She later said she was seventeen. I just...where are her parents? Where? I'm twenty four, responsible and not getting sex, so neither should she. I'm just saying...
We got back in once piece, and thankfully I didn't cut my ears off, but now understand why Van Gogh attempted it. If he had to hear anything like that, I don't blame him one bit. Once we made it back to my house, I successfully managed to get my friend to play with a toy that, when you color on it, it makes the sounds of the animals you're coloring. After you've discovered all four sounds, it plays a song.
Did I mention Aunt Bev got me this for Easter? It's for ages 3 and up. She knows me so well. I am having the time of my life with this thing. Thank you, Aunt Bev.
I also can't neglect the current mining tragedy that occurred yesterday. I sent my condolences to all the families who lost loved ones, and everyone who lost friends. May you have the strength and guidance to learn to live without your loved one while keeping them in your heart, and may all of the dearly departed rest in peace. I will pray for you all.
I have a few more words about this. I understand that only the right people who see this will understand, and that most readers won't. I'm not going to say anymore about the subject. It is what it is.
- Maureen or Marleen (I am so sorry that I didn't completely catch your name), your husband lost his wedding ring a few weeks ago at work. He didn't want to tell you, so he pretended he knew exactly where it was, or that he was having it re-sized. He's sorry that you won't have it to put with him or hold onto, but he still loves you very much.
- Sasha Bear, please don't be mad at your mom for putting a bologna sandwich in your lunch last week. She did not do it. She originally had a hamburger in there, but your dad got hungry and ate your hamburger, and then put the bologna sandwich in there and made you think your mom did it. There was nothing else to substitute with, even though you didn't really like bologna and ended up starving at lunch. He's sorry. Please start talking to your mom again, and stop holding a grudge. She and your brother need you right now.
Last, but certainly not least, I would again like to thank the wonderful person who has commented yet again on my blog. I would love to read your blog as well. I went into your profile but didn't see a link to it. I could totally be having a senior moment and missing it. If you could link me to your blog I would forever be grateful. Thank you again!
Monday, April 5, 2010
Thank You
I just wanted to write a little note to thank the delightfully wonderful person who commented on my last post. It is so appreciated.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
I Have Keys to Things I Haven't Even Owned
I was always, without fail, the little geeky kid who was nice to everyone. When I was in school, I often wondered why I didn't have a lot of friends. I thought being nice got you everywhere. Now that I'm 24, I've finally figured out the answer to the grand scheme of things. I didn't have a lot of friends because I am the most eclectic person I know.
This would be okay if we were talking the good kind of eclectic. Most people are eclectic because of the things they collect, or the unusual pieces they place around their home and the way they decorate. I am eclectic because there's really nothing I can't find a way to like in my own really weird way. This makes me hard to figure out and most people can't deal with that. I, however, think this is super and like to think of myself a as an evil genius of confusion and what not. For those who get me, I'm a lot of fun. For those who don't, I am probably the weirdest person in the history of the world. This is why I love my friends so much. And really, if you're cracking yourself up and are nice, isn't that all that matters?
I think it is.
However, I would still like to tell you all about my eclecticism. I'm completely sure that at least one of my entire five readers is going to run away from me, and then realize if they read the blog, they already know me, and then come back and befriend me again. This is how my friends are; they're as weird as me. Oh, come on my wonderful friends, you already knew this.
When you think of television shows / movies that you like to watch, this becomes a pretty clear cut and dry thing, correct? You have genres you like and ones you don't. That's normal. That's why that's not me, obviously.
For example, some of my favorite television shows include the likes of Criminal Minds and CSI (the original only.) This doesn't seem too odd. Both are in the same category. Then let's add that I love Gilmore Girls. I know it's not on the air anymore, but it's still one of my favorites. Thanks to my mom, I own all seven seasons. No really, thank you mommy!
Anywhomaburger, I successfully went from loving shows about crime analysis, psychopathic analysis, and ultimately death and the capture of those who cause it, to liking a super girlie show about a single mother and daughter. Still, you can get over this. Let's now ad that I'm gaga over Supernatural. Yeah, this is where the wait, what factor comes in. Oh, and did I mention I don't really care for anything in the horror genre?
If that wasn't enough, I'm a gigantic fan of Wizards of Waverly Place, Phineas and Ferb and Hannah Montana. (Leave Miley alone. I eat mean people for breakfast.) I also appreciate most other Disney shows, and can find myself entertained for hours at the adult humor that is put into them. Ah, to have known as a kid what I know. My innocence would have been lost.
Then there's the reality shows. Oh god, there's the reality shows. I'm not huge on them, but somehow I just watch them anyway. And not just one or two, oh no. Let me give you the short version of the ones I most commonly find myself friends with. I adore Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Khloe really makes the show for me. I feel like if I knew her, we'd be besties. Gene Simmons Family Jewels? I am so there. Kirstie Alley's Big Life? Why not? The Millionaire Matchmaker? Of course. It has dysfunctional men with money in it, and woman who won't take their shit. The Bad Girls Club? Who doesn't love a bunch of loud mouth bitches who would scare the living daylights out of me, therefore causing me to pee my pants and give them all my money when all they were trying to do was say hi? The Puppy Bowl? Heck yes! House Hunters? I love seeing inside people's houses, even if it is on television, and definitely as long and its not in a creepy way. My personal fav. is Pretty Wild. Don't ask me why, but I'm beyond addicted.
Late at night, though, is where things get dicey. Nothing is on after two in the morning, right? WRONG? You just have to have my mind. I flip through the channels and find the most bizarre description of a television show or movie that I possibly can and I watch that. Even if it's a horror movie, which is something I'm not usually a fan of, even though it takes a lot to scare me, I will watch it. Heck, this is how I found Gene Simmons Family Jewels. My favorite, however, still stands with the following description: "After a sex change, a serial killer returns as a camp counselor to the camp she terrorized years earlier." Was this movie as ridiculous as it sounds? It was an 80's horror movie, so you tell me. Was I laughing hysterical the entire time and consider this the best two hours of early morning television ever? You betcha.
Let's talk music. I will listen to pretty much anything at all. When I went to have my MRIs done I was asked what kind of music I wanted to listen to. I told the guy to surprise me. He did. I love seventies rock, when music was music, but then I'm quite fond of Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood and Kellie Pickler. Oh, and Sugarland. I can listen to My Chemical Romance and then switch to Selena Gomez and go right back into A Fine Frenzy. Mandy Moore? Check. Rachel Yamagata? Check. Paramore? She and Him? Orianthi? check, check and check. This isn't weird to me, but I have realized when riding in the car with friends, just how odd this actually is. And don't think I don't sing to all these songs, no matter what they are, in an absolutely ridiculous operatic voice. If there's no words, I make them up.
I also find myself not a huge fan of rap music, or really heavy all computer generated techno and pop music. Actually, I'm not a huge fan of pop despite the whole Selena Gomez thing. She's just awesome. Some pop is okay, but when there's not a real instrument to be found in the album, not so much. If you give me a decent pop song with a nice steady rap in it, I am so there and jamming to it. I don't get it either.
Last we shall discuss guys. Ah, guys. I like discussing guys. Now for the sake of this blog, we will discuss famous guys only, because if I start talking about guys I know in real life that I particularly adore, this will get us nowhere. Most of the people reading this blog don't know each other, so they won't know who the heck I'm talking about, therefore voiding the whole point of talking about guys.
Let's start with guys I'm really not into. Conventionally hot guys that appear in magazines and on billboards. You know, models. Especially those ones for places like Holister. Psst. Not for me. But Jensen Ackles who used to be a model? He's so for me. Any man that can do this is awesome in my book. That hot guy from that television show everyone watches? Not for me.
Do I like normal guys? No. Do I like guys with lots of personality? Yes, but only if they're non popular super nerds underneath it all. Best example; I totally adore Matthew Gray Gubler. He is one weird little dude who really isn't all that hot, but was a model and even makes fun of himself about this fact. But none of that matters. He's hysterical. He is out there weird, but not so out there that he's on another planet. He likes weird things. His mom's a politician. Does he care about that and stop himself from acting weird and making fun of politics? No, no he does not. He's the kind of weird I can totally deal with.
Old guys? Hey, some of them are hot. I'm not talking about the kind of guys Anna Nicole Smith liked. Okay, you guys, that was a low blow. I don't actually have anything against the poor woman, may her soul rest in peace. Anyway, I'm talking about the forties crowd. There are some seriously hot guys in the forties crowd. Shemar Moore? He's hot. George Eads? He's pretty hot, too. Do I usually like guys my own age, though? No, they're too immature. I'd take an older guy before I'd take a guy my age. Sorry, Mom. Actually, I feel like this whole blog is going to be one big sorry, Mom. Sorry, Aunt Bev. I feel like a Chuck Palahniuk novel.
No, we're not even going to get into books. I think you've all got the picture.
So that you all can fully understand me, let me just tell you that I come from a very small place in Pennsylvania. It is so small, in fact, that it's not even a town. There is no town anywhere in site. The "Municipal Building" is so small that if you even think about blinking, you miss it.
What we do have is a lot of land, not a ton of houses, a fifteen minute drive to anywhere that carries actual food, and a less than one mile strip of road with a bunch of fast food restaurants that serves as a place for travelers to stop over and get food during their journey. We have a UPS, a FedEx, state police barracks, and a place for truckers to park their trucks for the night. We have a boatload of hotels in a one mile radius, more than you see near freaking Disney World. As of last year, we have two whole red lights. And do you know what we do at them? We sit, because there's not enough traffic to need them and they aren't motion activated. They're on a timer. Good thinking there, PennDot. Love your logic.
What I'm saying here is that not only am I every cliche, so is the place I live. Let me not forget to mention that if you travel ten or fifteen minutes in any direction you come across the following:
Rednecks
Hicks (Yes, these are two different things. You learn this living here.)
Gangstas
Drug Dealers
White Guys Who Think They're Gangstas (There's more of these than I'd like to discuss.)
Snooty People
Snooty People Who Pretend Their Rich and Aren't
Super Rich People Who Fail At Pretending They're Not Snooty
Super Rich People Who Are Proud to Be Snooty
A High Population of Single Moms Under 20
A High Population of Loser Men Who Sleep With Anything
Lots of Grown Men Who Live With Their Moms
Hard Working Farmers
People Who Realize They're Not Rich Or Rednecks and Wonder WTF They're Doing Living Here
I could go on, but I feel you get the picture. If you don't, I encourage you to come visit me. Where I live is a lot of things. None of them go together. Kind of like me. I am the latter of all the things I've listed above, which makes the fact that I found myself watching a block of redneck comedy all the more hilarious. In all fairness, my mom started watching it and I couldn't stop laughing, so after she went to bed I left it on. Now I'm usually not a fan of redneck comedy, but let me tell you what, I haven't laughed so hard in my life. Does this make me a redneck? Don't answer that.
Don't get me wrong, I've always liked Bill Engvall. My only concern with him is that he doesn't have enough proverbial signs to give out to everyone that truly needs one. Oh, and they're proverbial. I think someone should help him with this.
Larry the Cable Guy is automatically in because he voiced Mater in Cars. Who doesn't love the fact that Mater has his own short on Disney channel in which he says "you was there," in every single one? I hate bad grammar, but if his grammar was correct, I would find myself severely disappointed.
Then there's Jeff Foxworthy. Somehow this man truly understands how ridiculous Pennsylvania is and has shared it with the world. This is an instant win for him.
Tonight I saw the last two in their own comedy stand up hours and I would like to share the top three highlights from both shows combined. This probably won't come across funny at all in a blog, but I'm doing it anyway. And because I feel like I must say this, no copyright infringement is intended, and I'm sure this isn't verbatim and they're far funnier.
Larry the Cable Guy, take it away:
"Last year I was so fat that I was going to change my name to Larry the Cable Car."
A little later.
"I lost fifty pounds in the last year. Fifty pounds. That's a lot of weight. That's a whole Olsen twin."
Listen, I like the Olsen girls, but that was still funny.
Jeff Foxworthy, your turn. You're following up Larry just as you did on that there TV:
"Tonight I'm wearing boots made out of stingrays. STINGRAYS! This is why you can't give rednecks money. Do we open up a savings account? HECK NO! We go and buy ourselves boots made from stingrays. I was in a casino the other day and some guy came up to me and said, "those are some boots." I said, "yeah, they're made from stingrays." He asked me if they were waterproof. I told him "No, these suckers drowned. That's how I gone got them."
"If you pay a lot of money for sunglasses, you will lose those things faster than pizzas at a weight watchers convention. If you buy a pair of cheapos, you won't be able to get rid of them no matter what you do. I swear if you were on a cruise and were looking over the railing into the ocean and they fell off, a scuba diver would instantly appear holding them up in the air and yelling 'DID SOMEONE LOSE A PAIR OF CHEAPOS?!' Speaking of losing things, I am constantly losing cassette cases. I have 500 cassettes and three cases. Whoever is stealing my expensive sunglasses and my cassette cases is leaving me keys. I have keys to things I haven't even owned. If you put all the keys I have together, I could be a janitor TONIGHT."
I will never not watch these two ever again.
This would be okay if we were talking the good kind of eclectic. Most people are eclectic because of the things they collect, or the unusual pieces they place around their home and the way they decorate. I am eclectic because there's really nothing I can't find a way to like in my own really weird way. This makes me hard to figure out and most people can't deal with that. I, however, think this is super and like to think of myself a as an evil genius of confusion and what not. For those who get me, I'm a lot of fun. For those who don't, I am probably the weirdest person in the history of the world. This is why I love my friends so much. And really, if you're cracking yourself up and are nice, isn't that all that matters?
I think it is.
However, I would still like to tell you all about my eclecticism. I'm completely sure that at least one of my entire five readers is going to run away from me, and then realize if they read the blog, they already know me, and then come back and befriend me again. This is how my friends are; they're as weird as me. Oh, come on my wonderful friends, you already knew this.
When you think of television shows / movies that you like to watch, this becomes a pretty clear cut and dry thing, correct? You have genres you like and ones you don't. That's normal. That's why that's not me, obviously.
For example, some of my favorite television shows include the likes of Criminal Minds and CSI (the original only.) This doesn't seem too odd. Both are in the same category. Then let's add that I love Gilmore Girls. I know it's not on the air anymore, but it's still one of my favorites. Thanks to my mom, I own all seven seasons. No really, thank you mommy!
Anywhomaburger, I successfully went from loving shows about crime analysis, psychopathic analysis, and ultimately death and the capture of those who cause it, to liking a super girlie show about a single mother and daughter. Still, you can get over this. Let's now ad that I'm gaga over Supernatural. Yeah, this is where the wait, what factor comes in. Oh, and did I mention I don't really care for anything in the horror genre?
If that wasn't enough, I'm a gigantic fan of Wizards of Waverly Place, Phineas and Ferb and Hannah Montana. (Leave Miley alone. I eat mean people for breakfast.) I also appreciate most other Disney shows, and can find myself entertained for hours at the adult humor that is put into them. Ah, to have known as a kid what I know. My innocence would have been lost.
Then there's the reality shows. Oh god, there's the reality shows. I'm not huge on them, but somehow I just watch them anyway. And not just one or two, oh no. Let me give you the short version of the ones I most commonly find myself friends with. I adore Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Khloe really makes the show for me. I feel like if I knew her, we'd be besties. Gene Simmons Family Jewels? I am so there. Kirstie Alley's Big Life? Why not? The Millionaire Matchmaker? Of course. It has dysfunctional men with money in it, and woman who won't take their shit. The Bad Girls Club? Who doesn't love a bunch of loud mouth bitches who would scare the living daylights out of me, therefore causing me to pee my pants and give them all my money when all they were trying to do was say hi? The Puppy Bowl? Heck yes! House Hunters? I love seeing inside people's houses, even if it is on television, and definitely as long and its not in a creepy way. My personal fav. is Pretty Wild. Don't ask me why, but I'm beyond addicted.
Late at night, though, is where things get dicey. Nothing is on after two in the morning, right? WRONG? You just have to have my mind. I flip through the channels and find the most bizarre description of a television show or movie that I possibly can and I watch that. Even if it's a horror movie, which is something I'm not usually a fan of, even though it takes a lot to scare me, I will watch it. Heck, this is how I found Gene Simmons Family Jewels. My favorite, however, still stands with the following description: "After a sex change, a serial killer returns as a camp counselor to the camp she terrorized years earlier." Was this movie as ridiculous as it sounds? It was an 80's horror movie, so you tell me. Was I laughing hysterical the entire time and consider this the best two hours of early morning television ever? You betcha.
Let's talk music. I will listen to pretty much anything at all. When I went to have my MRIs done I was asked what kind of music I wanted to listen to. I told the guy to surprise me. He did. I love seventies rock, when music was music, but then I'm quite fond of Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood and Kellie Pickler. Oh, and Sugarland. I can listen to My Chemical Romance and then switch to Selena Gomez and go right back into A Fine Frenzy. Mandy Moore? Check. Rachel Yamagata? Check. Paramore? She and Him? Orianthi? check, check and check. This isn't weird to me, but I have realized when riding in the car with friends, just how odd this actually is. And don't think I don't sing to all these songs, no matter what they are, in an absolutely ridiculous operatic voice. If there's no words, I make them up.
I also find myself not a huge fan of rap music, or really heavy all computer generated techno and pop music. Actually, I'm not a huge fan of pop despite the whole Selena Gomez thing. She's just awesome. Some pop is okay, but when there's not a real instrument to be found in the album, not so much. If you give me a decent pop song with a nice steady rap in it, I am so there and jamming to it. I don't get it either.
Last we shall discuss guys. Ah, guys. I like discussing guys. Now for the sake of this blog, we will discuss famous guys only, because if I start talking about guys I know in real life that I particularly adore, this will get us nowhere. Most of the people reading this blog don't know each other, so they won't know who the heck I'm talking about, therefore voiding the whole point of talking about guys.
Let's start with guys I'm really not into. Conventionally hot guys that appear in magazines and on billboards. You know, models. Especially those ones for places like Holister. Psst. Not for me. But Jensen Ackles who used to be a model? He's so for me. Any man that can do this is awesome in my book. That hot guy from that television show everyone watches? Not for me.
Do I like normal guys? No. Do I like guys with lots of personality? Yes, but only if they're non popular super nerds underneath it all. Best example; I totally adore Matthew Gray Gubler. He is one weird little dude who really isn't all that hot, but was a model and even makes fun of himself about this fact. But none of that matters. He's hysterical. He is out there weird, but not so out there that he's on another planet. He likes weird things. His mom's a politician. Does he care about that and stop himself from acting weird and making fun of politics? No, no he does not. He's the kind of weird I can totally deal with.
Old guys? Hey, some of them are hot. I'm not talking about the kind of guys Anna Nicole Smith liked. Okay, you guys, that was a low blow. I don't actually have anything against the poor woman, may her soul rest in peace. Anyway, I'm talking about the forties crowd. There are some seriously hot guys in the forties crowd. Shemar Moore? He's hot. George Eads? He's pretty hot, too. Do I usually like guys my own age, though? No, they're too immature. I'd take an older guy before I'd take a guy my age. Sorry, Mom. Actually, I feel like this whole blog is going to be one big sorry, Mom. Sorry, Aunt Bev. I feel like a Chuck Palahniuk novel.
No, we're not even going to get into books. I think you've all got the picture.
So that you all can fully understand me, let me just tell you that I come from a very small place in Pennsylvania. It is so small, in fact, that it's not even a town. There is no town anywhere in site. The "Municipal Building" is so small that if you even think about blinking, you miss it.
What we do have is a lot of land, not a ton of houses, a fifteen minute drive to anywhere that carries actual food, and a less than one mile strip of road with a bunch of fast food restaurants that serves as a place for travelers to stop over and get food during their journey. We have a UPS, a FedEx, state police barracks, and a place for truckers to park their trucks for the night. We have a boatload of hotels in a one mile radius, more than you see near freaking Disney World. As of last year, we have two whole red lights. And do you know what we do at them? We sit, because there's not enough traffic to need them and they aren't motion activated. They're on a timer. Good thinking there, PennDot. Love your logic.
What I'm saying here is that not only am I every cliche, so is the place I live. Let me not forget to mention that if you travel ten or fifteen minutes in any direction you come across the following:
Rednecks
Hicks (Yes, these are two different things. You learn this living here.)
Gangstas
Drug Dealers
White Guys Who Think They're Gangstas (There's more of these than I'd like to discuss.)
Snooty People
Snooty People Who Pretend Their Rich and Aren't
Super Rich People Who Fail At Pretending They're Not Snooty
Super Rich People Who Are Proud to Be Snooty
A High Population of Single Moms Under 20
A High Population of Loser Men Who Sleep With Anything
Lots of Grown Men Who Live With Their Moms
Hard Working Farmers
People Who Realize They're Not Rich Or Rednecks and Wonder WTF They're Doing Living Here
I could go on, but I feel you get the picture. If you don't, I encourage you to come visit me. Where I live is a lot of things. None of them go together. Kind of like me. I am the latter of all the things I've listed above, which makes the fact that I found myself watching a block of redneck comedy all the more hilarious. In all fairness, my mom started watching it and I couldn't stop laughing, so after she went to bed I left it on. Now I'm usually not a fan of redneck comedy, but let me tell you what, I haven't laughed so hard in my life. Does this make me a redneck? Don't answer that.
Don't get me wrong, I've always liked Bill Engvall. My only concern with him is that he doesn't have enough proverbial signs to give out to everyone that truly needs one. Oh, and they're proverbial. I think someone should help him with this.
Larry the Cable Guy is automatically in because he voiced Mater in Cars. Who doesn't love the fact that Mater has his own short on Disney channel in which he says "you was there," in every single one? I hate bad grammar, but if his grammar was correct, I would find myself severely disappointed.
Then there's Jeff Foxworthy. Somehow this man truly understands how ridiculous Pennsylvania is and has shared it with the world. This is an instant win for him.
Tonight I saw the last two in their own comedy stand up hours and I would like to share the top three highlights from both shows combined. This probably won't come across funny at all in a blog, but I'm doing it anyway. And because I feel like I must say this, no copyright infringement is intended, and I'm sure this isn't verbatim and they're far funnier.
Larry the Cable Guy, take it away:
"Last year I was so fat that I was going to change my name to Larry the Cable Car."
A little later.
"I lost fifty pounds in the last year. Fifty pounds. That's a lot of weight. That's a whole Olsen twin."
Listen, I like the Olsen girls, but that was still funny.
Jeff Foxworthy, your turn. You're following up Larry just as you did on that there TV:
"Tonight I'm wearing boots made out of stingrays. STINGRAYS! This is why you can't give rednecks money. Do we open up a savings account? HECK NO! We go and buy ourselves boots made from stingrays. I was in a casino the other day and some guy came up to me and said, "those are some boots." I said, "yeah, they're made from stingrays." He asked me if they were waterproof. I told him "No, these suckers drowned. That's how I gone got them."
"If you pay a lot of money for sunglasses, you will lose those things faster than pizzas at a weight watchers convention. If you buy a pair of cheapos, you won't be able to get rid of them no matter what you do. I swear if you were on a cruise and were looking over the railing into the ocean and they fell off, a scuba diver would instantly appear holding them up in the air and yelling 'DID SOMEONE LOSE A PAIR OF CHEAPOS?!' Speaking of losing things, I am constantly losing cassette cases. I have 500 cassettes and three cases. Whoever is stealing my expensive sunglasses and my cassette cases is leaving me keys. I have keys to things I haven't even owned. If you put all the keys I have together, I could be a janitor TONIGHT."
I will never not watch these two ever again.
Friday, March 26, 2010
If It All Comes Out In the Wash, I Just Dyed My Clothes Pink
Naturally, I come bearing the important news of the world and know how to keep you up to date with current events. Yeah, okay, I'm kidding, but I do have some fun things to share with the great world wide web. And by great world wide web, I mean my whole five readers, and that may be being generous, but I love all of you and am totally okay with that.
As a girl, I would like to start out by talking about age. Is age really just a number? I think it is, personally. Just because you are a certain age does not mean there's anything backing the fact that this is as such. Sometimes a twenty something acts more like a sixteen year old, while others act ninety. Let me give you all an example.
The other day I was at the doctor. I know you're all shocked by this because I am usually the pillar of health. I mean, just read anywhere on this blog and you'll see that I never have to go to the doctor because I don't at all have an autoimmune disease and a heart problem.
I am such a bad liar. Keep stock in knowing I could never even lie to you, folks. Not even over the internet. That's how bad of a liar I am.
Anywhomaburger, back to the subject at hand. While I was at the doctor we were discussing my blood disorder, dizzy spells and an ongoing issue I've had with my back for the last six months, one in which no one has seemed to be able to resolve. To make a long story short, I can now say I am the proud wearer of support hose for my blood condition, and a donut for my back. So as I type, I am rocking my support hose and sitting on my donut. At twenty four, I'm not sure how it gets much cooler than that.
I'm lying again, of course, but I'm totally okay with being a little old lady. I think it's hysterical, to be honest. I am just not your average girl. No, I am now twenty four going on ninety. So really, where does age come in? If you read this blog and didn't know my age, but knew I was sitting on a donut while wearing support hose, how old would you think I was? What's that, you say? Ninety. Okay, since we're settled on the age of ninety, let me bring something else up.
I am in love with the new Taylor Swift line of greeting cards. As we all know, I love cute things and this is precisely why I love Taylor in the first place. She is cute, her songs are cute and I love all things cute. Then, there's her lyrics. She has learned more in her short life than I have in my also short, but little bit longer one. She writes the lyrics of someone who has seen worlds that don't belong and come out on the other side of paradise. In other words, the woman knows what she's talking about and could otherwise be thought of as well into her twenties if her real age wasn't known. I, on the other hand, am instantly sixteen for loving her cards as much as I do. And there may or may not have been an incident of loud excitement and a little bit of jumping in the middle of Rite Aid upon realizing she actually had a card line, because I am so cool that I totally read it on the internet first.
This is another lie. I didn't know she had a line of cards until I saw them right there in the middle of the store. For those of you who also have not seen her card line, you can get a little taste here. If that's not enough, let me just say her cards represent her style, her lyrics and her new video for Fifteen.
Now let's go back to age. As mentioned earlier, I am ninety, but let's factor in how I am now sixteen for liking Taylor's cards so much. I just want to know how old this now makes me. How do you round off that age and figure it all out in the wash, so to speak? Because, damn it, I just want to know how old really am.
On a better note, my joke for years has been that I will get married when I'm ninety and in a nursing home, so if I am really old what with my donut and support hose, this means I am that much closer to getting married. I guess I should start scoping out nursing homes to make sure I find the "cool" one. This begs the question, are there any cool nursing homes?
I would also like to tell you all that the real win in sitting on a donut, however, is that I suddenly fill like Hugh Normous from the Wizards of Waverly Place. Let me explain for those of you who aren't familiar with a children's show. Hugh was adopted and grew up with a family of giants, but he, however, is not a giant. He is but a normal sized person, and this bums Hugh out, because he wants to be a giant. To combat this, his giant parents buy everything super small for him, that way he feels large. His glasses are too small, his pencils, his backpack; you name it, it's too small.
I, on the other hand, buy things that fit me just right. I have a Goldilocks complex. Then I sat on a donut and my world fell down around me. I always use my laptop while sitting on the couch because I don't have a desk dedicated to laptop time. I simply spread out with my laptop on the coffee table. This normally works great, except now the donut has lifted me up about four inches above where I normally sit, and I end up hunched over my computer in a little ball while trying to type with it on the coffee table. I feel like Hugh Normous. I think this is plausibly acceptable.
For those of you who don't know, I have a very fat cat. She is healthy, but fat. Fat may be an understatement. Her name is also Pie, which just happens to fit her so perfectly. She was named when she was but a skinny little kitten. It's like we knew. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is we have a cat door that goes into the cat room, which is also our second bathroom. We keep the door shut so the dogs don't eat the cat's food, and up until now no one has had an issue getting in and out of the cat door. Not even Pie. That was until a few days ago. Now Pie can not get in and out of the cat door, and we're really not nice enough to not bust out laughing every time she stands there and paws and screams at the door because she wants us to let her out or in. She's not even our biggest cat, just the fattest. We have other cats that are not fat, but larger than her and they get in and out just fine. Pie needs to go on a diet.
My friend's brother has gone on vacation and left him alone for a week in a house that is owned by his brother, but he also shares with him. On his first full day alone things were going amazingly well. That was until his brother's friend texted him and asked if she could come over and pick something up that she had left there. My friend said sure, they arranged a time and he went to take a nap. He set his alarm, woke up and started getting ready to go out with his very own friend and get ice cream, while waiting for his brother's friend to come pick up whatever she wanted. Only she didn't come. So he contacted her and asked her what was up since he needed to leave. Turns out she had already come, got in the house, got what she wanted and left...all while he was asleep. This freaked him out, and naturally it should. In fact, he even texted her and asked her if what she came to take was his sense of security. I think this is accurate. I mean, that's creepy; someone sneaking into your house while you're asleep and you having no idea how they got in and out, far more how they did it while you slept. He is now concerned his underthings will go missing one night and he'll never know who did it or when.
On a better note, despite being bored and now scared to be alone in that house, he decided it would be in his best interest to move so that his brother's crazy friends don't come in and take things while he's asleep. He's surmised that living alone would be better than being alone in someone else's house. When I inquired about this he expressed that he's bored alone but he doesn't miss his brother. I think this sums up all the reasons I adore him in a nutshell.
I have Sprint cell service. I love Sprint and had a good run with their people in customer service. Every time I called I got someone foreign who spoke better English than most people I knew and didn't sound like they were reading from a script. They gave exceptional service and were friendly. Then I called the other day and got an American guy. I repeated my user name and password to him four times, which really was my name and birth date; info he already had. After the fourth time he put me on hold and went and got a supervisor. Five minutes later he came back and repeated my user name and password, claiming he couldn't get in. He still had it wrong. He then expressed that if I cared to repeat my information one time, he would type it while I said it this time to assure he got it right. I was embarrassed because I thought that had been what he was doing, but suddenly didn't wonder so much why he kept incorrectly putting my information in. He did get it right after he typed as I spoke, or I assumed so because he said, "that time it worked." This was followed immediately by, "oh, oh no, let me put you on hold again." I hung up because I didn't have all day to continue to repeat things to this guy, which was no offense to him, but quite frankly I missed the foreign people.
Kids here are apparently awesome. Some little girl on the news just said "I know you're going to be jealous, but I got to swim with sea turtles." Touche, little girl, touche. I am jealous. You are right.
On a final note, I changed my layout before hell froze over. I hope you like it!
As a girl, I would like to start out by talking about age. Is age really just a number? I think it is, personally. Just because you are a certain age does not mean there's anything backing the fact that this is as such. Sometimes a twenty something acts more like a sixteen year old, while others act ninety. Let me give you all an example.
The other day I was at the doctor. I know you're all shocked by this because I am usually the pillar of health. I mean, just read anywhere on this blog and you'll see that I never have to go to the doctor because I don't at all have an autoimmune disease and a heart problem.
I am such a bad liar. Keep stock in knowing I could never even lie to you, folks. Not even over the internet. That's how bad of a liar I am.
Anywhomaburger, back to the subject at hand. While I was at the doctor we were discussing my blood disorder, dizzy spells and an ongoing issue I've had with my back for the last six months, one in which no one has seemed to be able to resolve. To make a long story short, I can now say I am the proud wearer of support hose for my blood condition, and a donut for my back. So as I type, I am rocking my support hose and sitting on my donut. At twenty four, I'm not sure how it gets much cooler than that.
I'm lying again, of course, but I'm totally okay with being a little old lady. I think it's hysterical, to be honest. I am just not your average girl. No, I am now twenty four going on ninety. So really, where does age come in? If you read this blog and didn't know my age, but knew I was sitting on a donut while wearing support hose, how old would you think I was? What's that, you say? Ninety. Okay, since we're settled on the age of ninety, let me bring something else up.
I am in love with the new Taylor Swift line of greeting cards. As we all know, I love cute things and this is precisely why I love Taylor in the first place. She is cute, her songs are cute and I love all things cute. Then, there's her lyrics. She has learned more in her short life than I have in my also short, but little bit longer one. She writes the lyrics of someone who has seen worlds that don't belong and come out on the other side of paradise. In other words, the woman knows what she's talking about and could otherwise be thought of as well into her twenties if her real age wasn't known. I, on the other hand, am instantly sixteen for loving her cards as much as I do. And there may or may not have been an incident of loud excitement and a little bit of jumping in the middle of Rite Aid upon realizing she actually had a card line, because I am so cool that I totally read it on the internet first.
This is another lie. I didn't know she had a line of cards until I saw them right there in the middle of the store. For those of you who also have not seen her card line, you can get a little taste here. If that's not enough, let me just say her cards represent her style, her lyrics and her new video for Fifteen.
Now let's go back to age. As mentioned earlier, I am ninety, but let's factor in how I am now sixteen for liking Taylor's cards so much. I just want to know how old this now makes me. How do you round off that age and figure it all out in the wash, so to speak? Because, damn it, I just want to know how old really am.
On a better note, my joke for years has been that I will get married when I'm ninety and in a nursing home, so if I am really old what with my donut and support hose, this means I am that much closer to getting married. I guess I should start scoping out nursing homes to make sure I find the "cool" one. This begs the question, are there any cool nursing homes?
I would also like to tell you all that the real win in sitting on a donut, however, is that I suddenly fill like Hugh Normous from the Wizards of Waverly Place. Let me explain for those of you who aren't familiar with a children's show. Hugh was adopted and grew up with a family of giants, but he, however, is not a giant. He is but a normal sized person, and this bums Hugh out, because he wants to be a giant. To combat this, his giant parents buy everything super small for him, that way he feels large. His glasses are too small, his pencils, his backpack; you name it, it's too small.
I, on the other hand, buy things that fit me just right. I have a Goldilocks complex. Then I sat on a donut and my world fell down around me. I always use my laptop while sitting on the couch because I don't have a desk dedicated to laptop time. I simply spread out with my laptop on the coffee table. This normally works great, except now the donut has lifted me up about four inches above where I normally sit, and I end up hunched over my computer in a little ball while trying to type with it on the coffee table. I feel like Hugh Normous. I think this is plausibly acceptable.
For those of you who don't know, I have a very fat cat. She is healthy, but fat. Fat may be an understatement. Her name is also Pie, which just happens to fit her so perfectly. She was named when she was but a skinny little kitten. It's like we knew. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is we have a cat door that goes into the cat room, which is also our second bathroom. We keep the door shut so the dogs don't eat the cat's food, and up until now no one has had an issue getting in and out of the cat door. Not even Pie. That was until a few days ago. Now Pie can not get in and out of the cat door, and we're really not nice enough to not bust out laughing every time she stands there and paws and screams at the door because she wants us to let her out or in. She's not even our biggest cat, just the fattest. We have other cats that are not fat, but larger than her and they get in and out just fine. Pie needs to go on a diet.
My friend's brother has gone on vacation and left him alone for a week in a house that is owned by his brother, but he also shares with him. On his first full day alone things were going amazingly well. That was until his brother's friend texted him and asked if she could come over and pick something up that she had left there. My friend said sure, they arranged a time and he went to take a nap. He set his alarm, woke up and started getting ready to go out with his very own friend and get ice cream, while waiting for his brother's friend to come pick up whatever she wanted. Only she didn't come. So he contacted her and asked her what was up since he needed to leave. Turns out she had already come, got in the house, got what she wanted and left...all while he was asleep. This freaked him out, and naturally it should. In fact, he even texted her and asked her if what she came to take was his sense of security. I think this is accurate. I mean, that's creepy; someone sneaking into your house while you're asleep and you having no idea how they got in and out, far more how they did it while you slept. He is now concerned his underthings will go missing one night and he'll never know who did it or when.
On a better note, despite being bored and now scared to be alone in that house, he decided it would be in his best interest to move so that his brother's crazy friends don't come in and take things while he's asleep. He's surmised that living alone would be better than being alone in someone else's house. When I inquired about this he expressed that he's bored alone but he doesn't miss his brother. I think this sums up all the reasons I adore him in a nutshell.
I have Sprint cell service. I love Sprint and had a good run with their people in customer service. Every time I called I got someone foreign who spoke better English than most people I knew and didn't sound like they were reading from a script. They gave exceptional service and were friendly. Then I called the other day and got an American guy. I repeated my user name and password to him four times, which really was my name and birth date; info he already had. After the fourth time he put me on hold and went and got a supervisor. Five minutes later he came back and repeated my user name and password, claiming he couldn't get in. He still had it wrong. He then expressed that if I cared to repeat my information one time, he would type it while I said it this time to assure he got it right. I was embarrassed because I thought that had been what he was doing, but suddenly didn't wonder so much why he kept incorrectly putting my information in. He did get it right after he typed as I spoke, or I assumed so because he said, "that time it worked." This was followed immediately by, "oh, oh no, let me put you on hold again." I hung up because I didn't have all day to continue to repeat things to this guy, which was no offense to him, but quite frankly I missed the foreign people.
Kids here are apparently awesome. Some little girl on the news just said "I know you're going to be jealous, but I got to swim with sea turtles." Touche, little girl, touche. I am jealous. You are right.
On a final note, I changed my layout before hell froze over. I hope you like it!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Backa Backa Backa
I come bearing three stories that are guaranteed to make you laugh. In fact, if you don’t laugh, I will give you all your time back that you lost reading this blog. It may take me until the time of my death to do so, as I can’t say I know Father Time personally, but I promise that I will maybe, one day in your lifetime, give you your time back. Possibly.
Last week I had wandered into Peebles, which is some kind of newer store we have here that I’m still up in the air about. It tries to be a department store, but its building structure and decor are reminiscent of K-Mart and the prices are higher than ones you would find in Macy’s, when the product is of lesser quality. Occasionally you can find a really rockin’ deal, but a lot of times the clothes that are on clearance resemble more of something you would find at a second hand store. This item would also be from somewhere around the seventies, or a bedazzling product that went wrong. I realize this may not be the case at all Peebles, but at this particular one this is the case. This will be important in a moment.
The reason for my visit was that I was searching for pants for my mom. They’re the only place that sells pants with gum in them around here, which are just the kind of pants my mom likes. The pants, as a whole, are actually decent dress pants. I had gotten her a pair on sale for a super great price before, and was hoping to get the same deal. No luck. However, what I did get will stay with me and go down in the top ten in my hall of awesomeness.
After having no luck with the pants, I made my way back to the shoes to see if I could find a good deal on them. In our store, the shoes happen to be right in front of the dressing rooms. I’m unsure of who this made sense to, but apparently to someone, either that, or they just thought it would be funny to put the dressing rooms on the opposite side of the store from where the clothing is. As I was perusing the shoe aisles, some sixty something lady comes flying out of the dressing room with no shirt on, yelling about how she was missing her shirt. Yeah...I know. How does this happen, you ask.
Now guys, I’m not totally sure, as I didn’t hear the whole thing, but I shall relate what I gathered. Someway, somehow, while this lady was in the dressing room trying on clothes, the dressing room attendant got a hold of her actual shirt and proceeded to hang it up and place it on the sales rack. I can’t for the life of me figure out how this could have happened. Was the lady trying on a shirt, and outside of her dressing room looking in the full length mirror when the attendant snuck in her room and cleared it out? If so, why didn't the lady come out in the shirt she was trying on? Did the lady happen to walk out of the room in her bra because it was fun and the attendant got in there and cleaned out the dressing room? I really have no clue. I would have crept up on them and listened in very closely, but I didn’t want to make it too obvious that I was listening.
All I know was that the shirtless lady originally bought her shirt at Peebles. This shirt was now on clearance, so the attendant took it upon herself to hang the shirt up in the sales rack. Now, in discredit to the attendant, the fact that she hung a shirt up with no price tag was pretty sad on her part. I usually don’t pick on people in jobs as such, as I’ve been there, but come on! How could she not notice there was no tag? And she didn’t bother to put a price tag on it, which is how she was able to go through the sales rack and pick out which shirt belonged to the lady in a sea of shirts that looked the same; it was the shirt with no price tag. The lady was half angry and half laughing over the way she literally lost her shirt. Needless to say, I split out of there like a bat out of hell, before I burst into a fit of laughter that would give me away. I love people.
I don’t know how many of you know about the odd dreams I often have, but for those of you who don’t, I’ll just put this in the most understated way possible. I have odd dreams. We’re not talking slightly odd dreams. We’re talking Alice In Wonderland worthy dreams. I don’t even take anything that would cause these dreams. I'm not into that. This is all me. I think that’s possibly the scariest part. I’ve yet to decide if I’m a really creative person with an imaginative way of thinking, or if I should check myself into a mental hospital. That being said, I will let you decide by sharing my most recent wacky dream with all of you.
In this particular dream I was an FBI agent that worked on a team with two guys and one other girl. Aside from the fact that someone actually let me have a gun, this all seems very normal, right? Yeah, not so much.
My job as an FBI agent?
The chase and capture a man who was hiding on a fishing boat and growing eggs that would hatch kitties and puppies, but mostly kitties. Yes, kitties and puppies, but mostly kitties. You read that right, folks.
This is where it really gets bizarre, because eggs hatching kitties and puppies is obviously not bizarre enough. We were chasing after him on the boat. Two agents went upstairs on this boat, because for some reason this fishing boat was some kind of Mob fishing boat that was tricked out to resemble a dive diner. The upstairs of this boat was the living quarters. Myself and the other male agent, who was my partner, headed into the diner where we spotted the perp carrying the eggs in a wrap around his stomach. We decided to play it cool, get something to eat, watch him, and then at the safest and most opportune time, we would take him down. Therefore, we had to eat and pretend like we were dating, while we texted the other agents to have them come down. Once they made their way down, we took the guy down.
And this is where the dream passes bizarre. As we were taking him down, he pointed a water gun at me. This terrified me beyond possible belief, even though he didn’t shoot. I therefore did the most logical thing and shot him with my gun. This is when I realized my gun wasn’t loaded, which obviously meant someone was smart enough to not give me a loaded gun. The three shots I fired obviously did nothing, but the perp played dead anyway. That’s when my partner took the eggs and ran before the guy realized he wasn’t actually dead. It took three of us to arrest this guy who honestly believed he was dead and never tried to move. After we did so, we got him into local police custody and went after our agent who had the eggs. Why he took off with them instead of also giving them to the local police, I don’t remember. I think it had something to do with these eggs being some kind of super secret hybrids that Fort Detrick had been trying to detain. Apparently kitties and puppies, but mostly kitties, are that awesome that they must be kept top secret.
In terms of weird; this is where we fall right down the rabbit hole and bump out heads pretty hard, and then start hallucinating. The other agents and myself went after my partner, who, if you remember, had taken off with the eggs. We ran along the water line, back towards our hotel, only to find him just past the dock that went to our hotel, because naturally the hotel was in the middle of the water and you could only get there by crossing a dock. Said partner was being chased by a snake that walked like a hunched over human, but definitely had the head and body of a very large, thick, walking snake. We yelled to him and distracted the snake long enough for him to turn around and start back towards the hotel. As he was running towards us, we could see that the kitties and puppies were starting to hatch. Obviously, this was bad because the snake wanted to eat them. We ran quickly over the dock thinking we had one up on the human snake, but no, the snake could swim. It was neck and neck with us as we ran, but finally we got ahead of it and got into the main entrance of the hotel. We stopped to breathe only to find the snake had snuck into the side entrance. It was closing in on us quickly...
In terms of weird; this is now where we are beginning to wake up from the coma we had been put in from hitting our head after falling into the rabbit hole. Obviously medication is involved, so we’re still quite loopy. Just as we thought the snake had us for sure and we couldn’t shoot it because none of our guns are loaded, it started to talk. It had a male voice and it didn’t sound very threatening. And then it did something totally unreal. It took off my head and underneath it was...prepare yourself.
My sister.
Let’s recap, shall we? I don’t have a sister. I never have.
And now you’ve officially been introduced to my most personal and uncontrolled thoughts that I have when I enter the deep world of slumber. I don’t know if I should tell you you’re welcome, or apologize. So I’ll do both. You’re sorry. See, it’s a mix of both.
One thing you all do know about me is that I often watch odd and horrible television shows out of boredom. The harder the show sucks, the dumber it is, or especially if it’s a “scary” movie on Chiller or Sci-Fi, I am so there. This doesn’t exclude ridiculous reality shows either. To credit this, I must say I thoroughly enjoy “TRANSform Me” on VH1. Those biatches have some serious style. I hate it when transvestites are prettier than myself, a natural woman. I get more jealous of them than born women that are prettier than me. I think this is normal.
But that’s not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about the show Amazing Wedding Cakes. It doesn’t really fit into the above category, because it’s not an odd show, but it is a reality show. I, like a lot of women, am into the whole wedding show craze. I mean, I’m 24 with no boyfriend, but weddings still make me all giggly and fuzzy inside, so I watch.
I happened to come in late to watch Amazing Wedding Cakes the other night and missed the part where the bakeries interview the clients about what kind of cake they want. I came in, in the middle of a very gorgeous cake being made. The manager kept a close eye on the cake and made sure to reiterate to the employees that they really had to be careful to find the right balance of masculinity and femininity with this cake. I thought this was just amazingly sweet and such a great sign of a good, attentive owner, because no husband wants a girly cake and no woman wants to forget their husband when it comes to their wedding cake. I watched as they painstakingly hand made flowers out of fondant and added them, but not too many, and painted the decoration on the cake, but didn’t make it too masculine. When the thing was done, it was an absolute masterpiece. It was something both a man and woman would adore, and I had the ultimate appreciation for this specific bakery. Then they showed it at the wedding. The couple they had just painstakingly tried to find a balance of masculinity and femininity for?
Two gay men.
I am so confused. All I do know is that if I finally get tired of men and go lesbian, I’m definitely getting my cake there when I get married, that way I’ll know that my cake will have the right amount of masculinity for me and my wife.
For those of you who have not had to endure my texts, let me assure you that this is not an easy task. Most people send normal texts such as “what are you doing today,” and “how have you been?” I tend to send texts more along the lines of this:
“LMAO, so random. It’s like a breakup story and a country song what with him giving you your stuff back. Or should I say a country song in reverse.”
“You have no idea how badly I wanted to text your brother and be like, ‘SCRATCH AT THE WALLS!’ Good thing I don’t have his number.”
“I prefer ‘Evil Genius,’ but thanks.”
“Maybe it’s a lesboa. Maybe we have this lesboa thing all wrong.”
“You expect demons to do things pure evil from the bottom of their non existent hearts. Humans, not so much.”
“Other than buy the DVD and giggle the whole way home?”
“Darn. What if we do chalk outlines of lampposts and name them?”
These are actual texts that I sent to others. I realize those of you who have been reading the blog for awhile are familiar with my weird texting from the segments where I would post my actual texts on here, but I thought I would give you all a new dose of texts, because what you’re about to see takes my texting weirdness to a new level and you won’t be able to unsee it. Just a warning.
Oh, the name of this text was Backa Backa Backa. It got its name from the Sabrina the Teenage Witch where Aunt Zelda transforms into a monster for Sabrina's movie she is producing, and proceeds to walk across the camera saying "backa backa backa" to bookmark the scenes.
The story behind the text is, and yes, it’s so weird that I feel the need to explain it, is as follows: I woke up very sick in my stomach last night. I couldn’t fall back to sleep and needed something to do that didn’t require moving, so I turned on the television hoping to be entertained. I thought I fell asleep watching Criminal Minds on ION and then later got up and turned the TV off, but apparently I fell asleep watching something on Teen Nick, because when I turned the television on, I was immediately assaulted with a Justin Bieber video. The video was just beginning and I proceeded to be in shock as I watched it the whole way through. During this time several things occurred to me, prompting the following text.
But before I get into the text, let me just say that I have nothing against Justin Bieber, but he’s not my cup of tea. For those of you who don’t know who he is, he’s that boy that everyone always thinks is a girl when they hear him sing. Then, when you see him, he dresses like mess of a white boy, writes music that’s usually pointed at a far different age range and demographic, and tries to dance like Michael Jackson and fails. I feel he’s singing songs he knows nothing about at his age, and he’s part of everything that’s wrong with the music industry. I’m tired of people trying to act older than they are, while trying to appeal to a younger audience and coming across completely fake. I just think he’s faking who he really is to sell albums. And maybe he’s not, so if you like him, I am sorry. This is just how I feel when I hear his songs, or, as so happened last night, see his videos. Also, he’s sixteen and his voice hasn’t even begun to change. WTF is up with that, guys?
Anyway, onto the world’s oddest and longest text:
This is a list of things that I am now curious about after seeing a Justin Bieber video for the first time:
1. In the video, Justin is chasing his “first love” around. Do they really expect us to believe someone was actually in love with that little dude that wasn’t a gay boy? I call Justin Beiber is stalking said girl, thus why she is running.
2. How bankrupt is Ludacris that he both lent his “vocals” to the song and admitted it, as well as made his way into the music video?
3. How come people always hear Justin and think it’s Christina Aguilera. This must be a fluke, as not only am I personally insulted for Christina, but I’m also insulted as a woman. (Let's compare: Justin ... Christina.)
4. Do they really think it’s respectful to mock Michael Jackson by having some little white “dude” “dance” his moves? Dude can not dance and is basically just insulting himself and The King. This should be illegal. And since when is it okay for a 16 year old to do pelvic thrusts and grab his crotch, assuming he’s got anything to grab?
5. Is possible he’s related to Lady Gaga? No one’s proven her to be a woman yet, just as no one’s proven him to be a man, and at his age his voice should have at least started to change but hasn’t. Until proven otherwise, I remain insulted that someone like him could be a woman, but I won’t totally rule it out.
6. Who discovered him / thought giving him a career / thought giving him his own music video was a good idea?
7. Is that person, per say, a lifetime alcoholic with serious brain damage? (I'm sorry, you guys. I really am. I just think this kid has no business in the industry. There's so many talented people out there, and I'm not saying he's not talented, but there's just too many people who are eons more talented than him that should be out there. Do his albums even sell? Because I've yet to come across someone who likes him and doesn't make fun of him.)
8. Is he related to this person? After thinking this out further, I realize it’s highly doubtful his parents would resort to claiming their relation to him by putting him in the industry, before they would risk less humiliation by simply whoring themselves out on the streets if they were that in need of money.
9. Are we absolutely sure he’s not related to Lady Gaga? I often toy with the theory that there’s no way her parents watch her dance in videos wearing only pasties and are proud of her. More in the some, there’s no way Justin’s parents are proud he sounds like / looks like a lesbian willingly. They have to have the same parents if pride is possible.
10. Why didn’t I just change the channel?
On another note, I think Miranda Cosgrove is adorable. She sings songs that fit her look, her brand, and her age range. It appeals to her audience. Sure, her songs are a bit cheesy, but she knows what age range she’s playing to and what's appropriate for her age range, yet older people can like her too because she’s clean and herself. She has a long way to go as far as improving her technique, but her tone is absolutely gorgeous. I think there's a ton of potential there. I hope she continues to work on it and taps into all that potential. I want to see more Mirandas and Selena Gomezs and less of Justins. Please?
Tune in closer to Easter for a special presentation.
Last week I had wandered into Peebles, which is some kind of newer store we have here that I’m still up in the air about. It tries to be a department store, but its building structure and decor are reminiscent of K-Mart and the prices are higher than ones you would find in Macy’s, when the product is of lesser quality. Occasionally you can find a really rockin’ deal, but a lot of times the clothes that are on clearance resemble more of something you would find at a second hand store. This item would also be from somewhere around the seventies, or a bedazzling product that went wrong. I realize this may not be the case at all Peebles, but at this particular one this is the case. This will be important in a moment.
The reason for my visit was that I was searching for pants for my mom. They’re the only place that sells pants with gum in them around here, which are just the kind of pants my mom likes. The pants, as a whole, are actually decent dress pants. I had gotten her a pair on sale for a super great price before, and was hoping to get the same deal. No luck. However, what I did get will stay with me and go down in the top ten in my hall of awesomeness.
After having no luck with the pants, I made my way back to the shoes to see if I could find a good deal on them. In our store, the shoes happen to be right in front of the dressing rooms. I’m unsure of who this made sense to, but apparently to someone, either that, or they just thought it would be funny to put the dressing rooms on the opposite side of the store from where the clothing is. As I was perusing the shoe aisles, some sixty something lady comes flying out of the dressing room with no shirt on, yelling about how she was missing her shirt. Yeah...I know. How does this happen, you ask.
Now guys, I’m not totally sure, as I didn’t hear the whole thing, but I shall relate what I gathered. Someway, somehow, while this lady was in the dressing room trying on clothes, the dressing room attendant got a hold of her actual shirt and proceeded to hang it up and place it on the sales rack. I can’t for the life of me figure out how this could have happened. Was the lady trying on a shirt, and outside of her dressing room looking in the full length mirror when the attendant snuck in her room and cleared it out? If so, why didn't the lady come out in the shirt she was trying on? Did the lady happen to walk out of the room in her bra because it was fun and the attendant got in there and cleaned out the dressing room? I really have no clue. I would have crept up on them and listened in very closely, but I didn’t want to make it too obvious that I was listening.
All I know was that the shirtless lady originally bought her shirt at Peebles. This shirt was now on clearance, so the attendant took it upon herself to hang the shirt up in the sales rack. Now, in discredit to the attendant, the fact that she hung a shirt up with no price tag was pretty sad on her part. I usually don’t pick on people in jobs as such, as I’ve been there, but come on! How could she not notice there was no tag? And she didn’t bother to put a price tag on it, which is how she was able to go through the sales rack and pick out which shirt belonged to the lady in a sea of shirts that looked the same; it was the shirt with no price tag. The lady was half angry and half laughing over the way she literally lost her shirt. Needless to say, I split out of there like a bat out of hell, before I burst into a fit of laughter that would give me away. I love people.
I don’t know how many of you know about the odd dreams I often have, but for those of you who don’t, I’ll just put this in the most understated way possible. I have odd dreams. We’re not talking slightly odd dreams. We’re talking Alice In Wonderland worthy dreams. I don’t even take anything that would cause these dreams. I'm not into that. This is all me. I think that’s possibly the scariest part. I’ve yet to decide if I’m a really creative person with an imaginative way of thinking, or if I should check myself into a mental hospital. That being said, I will let you decide by sharing my most recent wacky dream with all of you.
In this particular dream I was an FBI agent that worked on a team with two guys and one other girl. Aside from the fact that someone actually let me have a gun, this all seems very normal, right? Yeah, not so much.
My job as an FBI agent?
The chase and capture a man who was hiding on a fishing boat and growing eggs that would hatch kitties and puppies, but mostly kitties. Yes, kitties and puppies, but mostly kitties. You read that right, folks.
This is where it really gets bizarre, because eggs hatching kitties and puppies is obviously not bizarre enough. We were chasing after him on the boat. Two agents went upstairs on this boat, because for some reason this fishing boat was some kind of Mob fishing boat that was tricked out to resemble a dive diner. The upstairs of this boat was the living quarters. Myself and the other male agent, who was my partner, headed into the diner where we spotted the perp carrying the eggs in a wrap around his stomach. We decided to play it cool, get something to eat, watch him, and then at the safest and most opportune time, we would take him down. Therefore, we had to eat and pretend like we were dating, while we texted the other agents to have them come down. Once they made their way down, we took the guy down.
And this is where the dream passes bizarre. As we were taking him down, he pointed a water gun at me. This terrified me beyond possible belief, even though he didn’t shoot. I therefore did the most logical thing and shot him with my gun. This is when I realized my gun wasn’t loaded, which obviously meant someone was smart enough to not give me a loaded gun. The three shots I fired obviously did nothing, but the perp played dead anyway. That’s when my partner took the eggs and ran before the guy realized he wasn’t actually dead. It took three of us to arrest this guy who honestly believed he was dead and never tried to move. After we did so, we got him into local police custody and went after our agent who had the eggs. Why he took off with them instead of also giving them to the local police, I don’t remember. I think it had something to do with these eggs being some kind of super secret hybrids that Fort Detrick had been trying to detain. Apparently kitties and puppies, but mostly kitties, are that awesome that they must be kept top secret.
In terms of weird; this is where we fall right down the rabbit hole and bump out heads pretty hard, and then start hallucinating. The other agents and myself went after my partner, who, if you remember, had taken off with the eggs. We ran along the water line, back towards our hotel, only to find him just past the dock that went to our hotel, because naturally the hotel was in the middle of the water and you could only get there by crossing a dock. Said partner was being chased by a snake that walked like a hunched over human, but definitely had the head and body of a very large, thick, walking snake. We yelled to him and distracted the snake long enough for him to turn around and start back towards the hotel. As he was running towards us, we could see that the kitties and puppies were starting to hatch. Obviously, this was bad because the snake wanted to eat them. We ran quickly over the dock thinking we had one up on the human snake, but no, the snake could swim. It was neck and neck with us as we ran, but finally we got ahead of it and got into the main entrance of the hotel. We stopped to breathe only to find the snake had snuck into the side entrance. It was closing in on us quickly...
In terms of weird; this is now where we are beginning to wake up from the coma we had been put in from hitting our head after falling into the rabbit hole. Obviously medication is involved, so we’re still quite loopy. Just as we thought the snake had us for sure and we couldn’t shoot it because none of our guns are loaded, it started to talk. It had a male voice and it didn’t sound very threatening. And then it did something totally unreal. It took off my head and underneath it was...prepare yourself.
My sister.
Let’s recap, shall we? I don’t have a sister. I never have.
And now you’ve officially been introduced to my most personal and uncontrolled thoughts that I have when I enter the deep world of slumber. I don’t know if I should tell you you’re welcome, or apologize. So I’ll do both. You’re sorry. See, it’s a mix of both.
One thing you all do know about me is that I often watch odd and horrible television shows out of boredom. The harder the show sucks, the dumber it is, or especially if it’s a “scary” movie on Chiller or Sci-Fi, I am so there. This doesn’t exclude ridiculous reality shows either. To credit this, I must say I thoroughly enjoy “TRANSform Me” on VH1. Those biatches have some serious style. I hate it when transvestites are prettier than myself, a natural woman. I get more jealous of them than born women that are prettier than me. I think this is normal.
But that’s not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about the show Amazing Wedding Cakes. It doesn’t really fit into the above category, because it’s not an odd show, but it is a reality show. I, like a lot of women, am into the whole wedding show craze. I mean, I’m 24 with no boyfriend, but weddings still make me all giggly and fuzzy inside, so I watch.
I happened to come in late to watch Amazing Wedding Cakes the other night and missed the part where the bakeries interview the clients about what kind of cake they want. I came in, in the middle of a very gorgeous cake being made. The manager kept a close eye on the cake and made sure to reiterate to the employees that they really had to be careful to find the right balance of masculinity and femininity with this cake. I thought this was just amazingly sweet and such a great sign of a good, attentive owner, because no husband wants a girly cake and no woman wants to forget their husband when it comes to their wedding cake. I watched as they painstakingly hand made flowers out of fondant and added them, but not too many, and painted the decoration on the cake, but didn’t make it too masculine. When the thing was done, it was an absolute masterpiece. It was something both a man and woman would adore, and I had the ultimate appreciation for this specific bakery. Then they showed it at the wedding. The couple they had just painstakingly tried to find a balance of masculinity and femininity for?
Two gay men.
I am so confused. All I do know is that if I finally get tired of men and go lesbian, I’m definitely getting my cake there when I get married, that way I’ll know that my cake will have the right amount of masculinity for me and my wife.
For those of you who have not had to endure my texts, let me assure you that this is not an easy task. Most people send normal texts such as “what are you doing today,” and “how have you been?” I tend to send texts more along the lines of this:
“LMAO, so random. It’s like a breakup story and a country song what with him giving you your stuff back. Or should I say a country song in reverse.”
“You have no idea how badly I wanted to text your brother and be like, ‘SCRATCH AT THE WALLS!’ Good thing I don’t have his number.”
“I prefer ‘Evil Genius,’ but thanks.”
“Maybe it’s a lesboa. Maybe we have this lesboa thing all wrong.”
“You expect demons to do things pure evil from the bottom of their non existent hearts. Humans, not so much.”
“Other than buy the DVD and giggle the whole way home?”
“Darn. What if we do chalk outlines of lampposts and name them?”
These are actual texts that I sent to others. I realize those of you who have been reading the blog for awhile are familiar with my weird texting from the segments where I would post my actual texts on here, but I thought I would give you all a new dose of texts, because what you’re about to see takes my texting weirdness to a new level and you won’t be able to unsee it. Just a warning.
Oh, the name of this text was Backa Backa Backa. It got its name from the Sabrina the Teenage Witch where Aunt Zelda transforms into a monster for Sabrina's movie she is producing, and proceeds to walk across the camera saying "backa backa backa" to bookmark the scenes.
The story behind the text is, and yes, it’s so weird that I feel the need to explain it, is as follows: I woke up very sick in my stomach last night. I couldn’t fall back to sleep and needed something to do that didn’t require moving, so I turned on the television hoping to be entertained. I thought I fell asleep watching Criminal Minds on ION and then later got up and turned the TV off, but apparently I fell asleep watching something on Teen Nick, because when I turned the television on, I was immediately assaulted with a Justin Bieber video. The video was just beginning and I proceeded to be in shock as I watched it the whole way through. During this time several things occurred to me, prompting the following text.
But before I get into the text, let me just say that I have nothing against Justin Bieber, but he’s not my cup of tea. For those of you who don’t know who he is, he’s that boy that everyone always thinks is a girl when they hear him sing. Then, when you see him, he dresses like mess of a white boy, writes music that’s usually pointed at a far different age range and demographic, and tries to dance like Michael Jackson and fails. I feel he’s singing songs he knows nothing about at his age, and he’s part of everything that’s wrong with the music industry. I’m tired of people trying to act older than they are, while trying to appeal to a younger audience and coming across completely fake. I just think he’s faking who he really is to sell albums. And maybe he’s not, so if you like him, I am sorry. This is just how I feel when I hear his songs, or, as so happened last night, see his videos. Also, he’s sixteen and his voice hasn’t even begun to change. WTF is up with that, guys?
Anyway, onto the world’s oddest and longest text:
This is a list of things that I am now curious about after seeing a Justin Bieber video for the first time:
1. In the video, Justin is chasing his “first love” around. Do they really expect us to believe someone was actually in love with that little dude that wasn’t a gay boy? I call Justin Beiber is stalking said girl, thus why she is running.
2. How bankrupt is Ludacris that he both lent his “vocals” to the song and admitted it, as well as made his way into the music video?
3. How come people always hear Justin and think it’s Christina Aguilera. This must be a fluke, as not only am I personally insulted for Christina, but I’m also insulted as a woman. (Let's compare: Justin ... Christina.)
4. Do they really think it’s respectful to mock Michael Jackson by having some little white “dude” “dance” his moves? Dude can not dance and is basically just insulting himself and The King. This should be illegal. And since when is it okay for a 16 year old to do pelvic thrusts and grab his crotch, assuming he’s got anything to grab?
5. Is possible he’s related to Lady Gaga? No one’s proven her to be a woman yet, just as no one’s proven him to be a man, and at his age his voice should have at least started to change but hasn’t. Until proven otherwise, I remain insulted that someone like him could be a woman, but I won’t totally rule it out.
6. Who discovered him / thought giving him a career / thought giving him his own music video was a good idea?
7. Is that person, per say, a lifetime alcoholic with serious brain damage? (I'm sorry, you guys. I really am. I just think this kid has no business in the industry. There's so many talented people out there, and I'm not saying he's not talented, but there's just too many people who are eons more talented than him that should be out there. Do his albums even sell? Because I've yet to come across someone who likes him and doesn't make fun of him.)
8. Is he related to this person? After thinking this out further, I realize it’s highly doubtful his parents would resort to claiming their relation to him by putting him in the industry, before they would risk less humiliation by simply whoring themselves out on the streets if they were that in need of money.
9. Are we absolutely sure he’s not related to Lady Gaga? I often toy with the theory that there’s no way her parents watch her dance in videos wearing only pasties and are proud of her. More in the some, there’s no way Justin’s parents are proud he sounds like / looks like a lesbian willingly. They have to have the same parents if pride is possible.
10. Why didn’t I just change the channel?
On another note, I think Miranda Cosgrove is adorable. She sings songs that fit her look, her brand, and her age range. It appeals to her audience. Sure, her songs are a bit cheesy, but she knows what age range she’s playing to and what's appropriate for her age range, yet older people can like her too because she’s clean and herself. She has a long way to go as far as improving her technique, but her tone is absolutely gorgeous. I think there's a ton of potential there. I hope she continues to work on it and taps into all that potential. I want to see more Mirandas and Selena Gomezs and less of Justins. Please?
Tune in closer to Easter for a special presentation.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
It's Awfully Pretty Inside My Fairy Tale Castle of Snow
Yes, I ran away without really going anywhere. I admit this. I suck. I admit this, too. I also admit that I found this website fun, although it is intended to keep idiots busy. I understand this makes me an idiot and I am okay with that, because I enjoyed chasing the button, although I knew each time I pressed it, it would become harder to catch, therefore it would eventually become impossible to press the button at all. This is probably because I’ve long accepted that inanimate objects are smarter than me.
Although I realize my running away may have seemed unnecessary, others had reasoned their theories on why I disappeared, and decided to share them with me. They are, but not limited to, as follows.
1. I was still mediating that conversation between my friend and my mom about Matthew Gray Gubler’s hair. Let me explain.
On January 16th I posted this on my Twitter, and I quote exactly.
“Currently mediating a convo about Matthew Gray Gubler’s hair between my mom and my friend.”
Then I didn’t update after that. I actually had someone @reply me asking if the reason I hadn’t updated my Twitter lately was because I was still mediating that conversation. My response as of twenty hours ago was as follows, and again I exact quote.
“I know you’re all still wondering. Is she still moderating a convo about MGG’s hair? The answer is yes and no.”
But really guys, my mom and my friend had this odd little conversation about whether he was sexier with short hair, or long hair. Okay, so it technically started when I mentioned my friend thought he was hot, and my mom asked me to ask her if she liked him with long hair or short hair. I asked her through text, she answered, my mom disagreed, I told my friend and she rebuked. Viola, mediation occurred. I have an opinion, but am remaining Sweden, so you guys decide if you like it better long or short, and if you leave it in the comments, I’ll let my mom and friend know.
And no, that friend is not Aunt Bev, which leads me to possible reason 2 of why I haven’t been around.
2. Did your mom and Aunt Bev manage to do something so average that it somehow turned into a debacle and now there are problems in which may or may not involve jail time for those involved?
No, seriously, this was brought up to me. The answer is no. They are still them, but no one has ended up in jail.
Yet.
3. Have to somehow managed to kill yourself off with your talents of klutziness and unparalleled bad balance?
No, no I have not, but my question back to them is as follows. If I had killed myself, did you really think I would get back to you? Their answers? Yep. I love my friends.
4. I just figured you fell down a rabbit hole.
No really, my friend said this to me. It wasn’t even an Alice in Wonderland reference. I am just talented enough that I could somehow fall down and either die, or disappear into a rabbit hole and no one would find it weird, apparently.
5. I just figured you got lost in the snow.
We did have a solid two and a half feet of snow for weeks on end, but I chose not to go out in it. It’s understandable that I could have gotten lost in snow that, if walked in, only Jared Padalecki would look normal human size in, but I refrained. I’m glad my friends have faith in me.
In reality though, you guys, I am not as big of a loser as I’m letting on, but only in this case. My grandma died. For real. She passed away last month and it turned into this huge debacle in which we learned things about her we never wanted to know and left us all more confused than ever. In all of this, not only have I not updated, but I’ve learned only one thing.
I sincerely let my neighbor with the big knockers down when I promised her at the ripe old age of fourteen that I would trick or treat until I was thirty, and come and sing Christmas carols to her every year until she died. I am so sorry for failing you, Big Knockers Lady. Also, if you could please let someone in the neighborhood know your real name, we’d all love it. We really do refer to you as Big Boobs Lady, simply because no one seems to know your name. Unless that is your name. In which case, you’re good.
I also learned that I am talented enough to do one thing that no one mentioned. I can hurt myself without doing anything at all. I currently feel totally useless and hauled up on the couch with awesome ice packs all day. I won’t tell anyone I’m trying to put my room back together after a water leakage incident due to snow, if you won’t. Shh! If you don’t, I promise to leave you with words of advice for free. Oh, who am I kidding? I was going to do that anyway.
1. Up is a deceivingly sad movie about death and the loss of a life partner. You will need tissues for this movie, and preferably should buy a brightly colored box to hug while you watch the movie, in hopes that it will cheer you up somehow. It won’t. Even if there is a dog in the movie named Dug that will haphazardly stop mid sentence and yell SQUIRREL, it still won’t.
2. It’s not just the sellers that suck at Craigslist, as the website suggests. Buyers suck pretty hard too. Let me tell you a story.
My mom decided to sell her bedroom furniture on Craigslist. We did not have pictures yet, so naturally we received emails for pictures. We promptly took pictures of the furniture and posted them on Craigslist, and then joyously let everyone know pictures had been added. They were all on their way down the Yellow Brick Road to finding their perfect furniture, except for one particular woman who insisted there were no pictures. I checked the ad again, but they were clearly there. Other people had emailed me in the meantime expressing their liking for the furniture and their want to come see it based on the pictures. I went back and re-updated the page, just to be on the safe side, only to realize she never went back and looked at the ad after I emailed her and told her I had put pictures up. I emailed her back nicely and told her that the pictures were now there and any errors had been fixed. I didn’t want to make her feel stupid, which in turn, just proved that I was really the stupid one here.
She later emailed me back not once, but twice, apparently because I didn’t answer her first email within ten minutes of her sending it. I felt really bad about this considering I wasn’t near my computer at all when she sent either email, and my magical computer gnomes were on strike for lapse of a paycheck. The first email contained a copy of the Craigslist ad, minus the pictures. This was apparently proof there were no pictures on the ad. The only thing that this proved was that she may have been too lazy to add the pictures to the email. In that same email, coincidentally enough, she also happened to ad the link to my ad telling me to look at that link, because that was the exact page she was on when she copied and pasted my own ad into that email. I clicked the link. The pictures were there. Then came the second email which went exactly like this:
"I looked on Craigslist to find your listing and emailed it to you. It says that the listing has a pic, (photo) but there are no photos when you click on the listing. Could you just email them directly? Your email to me lists attachments, but there are none. Maybe you have to check your email and confirm changes to your listing."
This is an exact copy and paste. Names have been left out to protect the not so innocent; those guilty of needing a little chlorine in their gene pool, if you will. Let me notate the particular gems of this email, in case you haven’t noticed them yourself.
*It’s obvious that I must not know what a pic is, because she had to tell me that a pic was a photo. I would like to share with her that she used incorrect punctuation and sentence form when doing so.
*When I click on the link she sent me, I get pictures, so obviously we are not looking at the same ad, even though we are.
*I never sent her any attachments, and also kept copies of all the emails I sent her. They did not list attachments either, at least not my end. This tells me she’s a little more than slightly confused about how to use a computer.
*She passive aggressively decides to tell me that it’s obvious the problem lies in me, even though she’s the only one who can’t see the pictures. Hmm.
*No matter what I did, she obviously couldn’t correctly identify if there was an attachment attached to her email, so it wasn’t worth my time to email her pictures.
I nicely emailed her back and told her our furniture was not for her, being as she was the only one not seeing the pictures. I was kind, but returned her passive aggressive manner, and then promptly decided not to communicate with her any longer. Oddly enough, we got an email an hour later from a woman who fell in love with the furniture because of the pictures. She came out to see the furniture the next day and took it on the spot at full asking price. Take that, “There Are No Pictures,” lady. Take that.
3. Never, ever under any circumstances tune out when your mom and your friend are discussing your friend’s potential purchase of a home. You might just tune back in in time to hear your friend go, “I MAY NEVER GO OUTSIDE!,” and have no idea what they’re talking about.
4. If you’re ever unsure about a book you’re reading, pulling up reviews online for further insight may only confuse you more. I shall elaborate.
I am currently reading a fictional book that pertains to the subject of spiritual warfare, and intertwines with talking about Him. The book was so different and unusual that I decided I wanted to see what others thought about it, because I honestly had no idea what to think of it. For once in my life, I was speechless. I ended up coming across a review on a blog from a woman who was quite angry at the author of the book for portraying spiritual warfare as violent, and then went on to rant how this went completely against the Bible’s rendering of spiritual warfare. I don’t know what Bible she’s reading, but I think it left out Revelations. Either that, or she thought it was called spiritual warfare just because someone got a kick out of calling it that, and all those violent and unpleasant terms used in the Bible referring to it were really just code words to scare people, when really they meant sunshine and lollipops, as well as unicorns farting rainbows. When I finish the book and make a decision on how I feel about it, I will then share what I’m reading with you all. It’s just one of those books.
5. If you are a millionaire who decides to put himself on The Millionaire Matchmaker, and you wear shirts two sizes too big, pants that are also two sizes too big and aren’t meant to be capris, but come nowhere near your ankles, and Ed Hardy shoes that resemble a woman’s Mary Jane’s, don’t brag about what a hot bod you have, and then expect to not be made over. Seriously. Just don’t. And don’t give the lady you're paying to help you attitude.
6. Even though the NuvaRing commercial says “hormonal vaginal ring,” this does not mean that the vaginal ring is hormonal and will suddenly start a fight with your no no place about the lack of light it sees when in use.
7. Aunt Bev buys the best presents ever. As proof I will provide the below ill centered picture so that you can see what the present she bought me allowed me to be able to make. The pictures inside the frame, I totally made those thanks to her.
8. The guys on Supernatural really are that hot. In case you’ve forgotten, we have this example and this one.
9. I do not have the maturity level necessary to watch the Olympics. Every time someone correctly pronounces the name of an athlete from another country, I find a way to realize just how dirty it sounds.
10. Criminal Minds is a really good show. When you finally catch up on all five seasons, you suddenly have complete Criminal Minds withdrawal. It sucks.
That’s all I have for today, folks. I will leave you with something I wrote for my Grandma the day she passed and had intended on posting. Since then I have found out many things about her that have made me question everything I knew about her, but I have decided to post this anyway in hopes that someone can relate to the truth you feel just hours after learning someone has passed.
Oh, and btw, I know this layout is ugly. I'm working on it.
Someone else’s tragedy is always far more romantic than your own. That’s a lesson the movies won’t teach you and that you have to learn on your own. Too bad I already knew that.
My gram passed away this morning. I made the phone calls. No matter how many times I explained whose granddaughter I was, and then followed those words with “she passed away,” it still doesn’t seem real. I’m in total shock, but the funny thing about shock is that your body begins to respond to the stupidest things. Instead of crying, I find myself frustrated every time someone goes “but I just talked to her the other day.” And there wasn’t one person who didn’t announce this to me. In a moment, anything can change.
She was a wonderful grandmother, and I spent my childhood looking up to her, playing with her, and she always chased me around the kitchen island. I will always remember that. She gave me the gift of amazing memories, and warm love. Even though she’s gone, those things will never fade.
She was a mother to others, and even those who didn’t have a mother of their own. She took in everyone and was a great friend. Or, like my great aunt told me, “she was like my sister.” I like to think a lot of people will remember her that way.
So here’s to you, Laura: Grandma, Mother, Sister and Friend. You are now at peace, free from any pain and suffering. You will walk amongst the clouds with those that have been lost before you, but at the end of everything, you will be reunited with your one true love. In life and straight through to death, love is all that matters.
Although I realize my running away may have seemed unnecessary, others had reasoned their theories on why I disappeared, and decided to share them with me. They are, but not limited to, as follows.
1. I was still mediating that conversation between my friend and my mom about Matthew Gray Gubler’s hair. Let me explain.
On January 16th I posted this on my Twitter, and I quote exactly.
“Currently mediating a convo about Matthew Gray Gubler’s hair between my mom and my friend.”
Then I didn’t update after that. I actually had someone @reply me asking if the reason I hadn’t updated my Twitter lately was because I was still mediating that conversation. My response as of twenty hours ago was as follows, and again I exact quote.
“I know you’re all still wondering. Is she still moderating a convo about MGG’s hair? The answer is yes and no.”
But really guys, my mom and my friend had this odd little conversation about whether he was sexier with short hair, or long hair. Okay, so it technically started when I mentioned my friend thought he was hot, and my mom asked me to ask her if she liked him with long hair or short hair. I asked her through text, she answered, my mom disagreed, I told my friend and she rebuked. Viola, mediation occurred. I have an opinion, but am remaining Sweden, so you guys decide if you like it better long or short, and if you leave it in the comments, I’ll let my mom and friend know.
And no, that friend is not Aunt Bev, which leads me to possible reason 2 of why I haven’t been around.
2. Did your mom and Aunt Bev manage to do something so average that it somehow turned into a debacle and now there are problems in which may or may not involve jail time for those involved?
No, seriously, this was brought up to me. The answer is no. They are still them, but no one has ended up in jail.
Yet.
3. Have to somehow managed to kill yourself off with your talents of klutziness and unparalleled bad balance?
No, no I have not, but my question back to them is as follows. If I had killed myself, did you really think I would get back to you? Their answers? Yep. I love my friends.
4. I just figured you fell down a rabbit hole.
No really, my friend said this to me. It wasn’t even an Alice in Wonderland reference. I am just talented enough that I could somehow fall down and either die, or disappear into a rabbit hole and no one would find it weird, apparently.
5. I just figured you got lost in the snow.
We did have a solid two and a half feet of snow for weeks on end, but I chose not to go out in it. It’s understandable that I could have gotten lost in snow that, if walked in, only Jared Padalecki would look normal human size in, but I refrained. I’m glad my friends have faith in me.
In reality though, you guys, I am not as big of a loser as I’m letting on, but only in this case. My grandma died. For real. She passed away last month and it turned into this huge debacle in which we learned things about her we never wanted to know and left us all more confused than ever. In all of this, not only have I not updated, but I’ve learned only one thing.
I sincerely let my neighbor with the big knockers down when I promised her at the ripe old age of fourteen that I would trick or treat until I was thirty, and come and sing Christmas carols to her every year until she died. I am so sorry for failing you, Big Knockers Lady. Also, if you could please let someone in the neighborhood know your real name, we’d all love it. We really do refer to you as Big Boobs Lady, simply because no one seems to know your name. Unless that is your name. In which case, you’re good.
I also learned that I am talented enough to do one thing that no one mentioned. I can hurt myself without doing anything at all. I currently feel totally useless and hauled up on the couch with awesome ice packs all day. I won’t tell anyone I’m trying to put my room back together after a water leakage incident due to snow, if you won’t. Shh! If you don’t, I promise to leave you with words of advice for free. Oh, who am I kidding? I was going to do that anyway.
1. Up is a deceivingly sad movie about death and the loss of a life partner. You will need tissues for this movie, and preferably should buy a brightly colored box to hug while you watch the movie, in hopes that it will cheer you up somehow. It won’t. Even if there is a dog in the movie named Dug that will haphazardly stop mid sentence and yell SQUIRREL, it still won’t.
2. It’s not just the sellers that suck at Craigslist, as the website suggests. Buyers suck pretty hard too. Let me tell you a story.
My mom decided to sell her bedroom furniture on Craigslist. We did not have pictures yet, so naturally we received emails for pictures. We promptly took pictures of the furniture and posted them on Craigslist, and then joyously let everyone know pictures had been added. They were all on their way down the Yellow Brick Road to finding their perfect furniture, except for one particular woman who insisted there were no pictures. I checked the ad again, but they were clearly there. Other people had emailed me in the meantime expressing their liking for the furniture and their want to come see it based on the pictures. I went back and re-updated the page, just to be on the safe side, only to realize she never went back and looked at the ad after I emailed her and told her I had put pictures up. I emailed her back nicely and told her that the pictures were now there and any errors had been fixed. I didn’t want to make her feel stupid, which in turn, just proved that I was really the stupid one here.
She later emailed me back not once, but twice, apparently because I didn’t answer her first email within ten minutes of her sending it. I felt really bad about this considering I wasn’t near my computer at all when she sent either email, and my magical computer gnomes were on strike for lapse of a paycheck. The first email contained a copy of the Craigslist ad, minus the pictures. This was apparently proof there were no pictures on the ad. The only thing that this proved was that she may have been too lazy to add the pictures to the email. In that same email, coincidentally enough, she also happened to ad the link to my ad telling me to look at that link, because that was the exact page she was on when she copied and pasted my own ad into that email. I clicked the link. The pictures were there. Then came the second email which went exactly like this:
"I looked on Craigslist to find your listing and emailed it to you. It says that the listing has a pic, (photo) but there are no photos when you click on the listing. Could you just email them directly? Your email to me lists attachments, but there are none. Maybe you have to check your email and confirm changes to your listing."
This is an exact copy and paste. Names have been left out to protect the not so innocent; those guilty of needing a little chlorine in their gene pool, if you will. Let me notate the particular gems of this email, in case you haven’t noticed them yourself.
*It’s obvious that I must not know what a pic is, because she had to tell me that a pic was a photo. I would like to share with her that she used incorrect punctuation and sentence form when doing so.
*When I click on the link she sent me, I get pictures, so obviously we are not looking at the same ad, even though we are.
*I never sent her any attachments, and also kept copies of all the emails I sent her. They did not list attachments either, at least not my end. This tells me she’s a little more than slightly confused about how to use a computer.
*She passive aggressively decides to tell me that it’s obvious the problem lies in me, even though she’s the only one who can’t see the pictures. Hmm.
*No matter what I did, she obviously couldn’t correctly identify if there was an attachment attached to her email, so it wasn’t worth my time to email her pictures.
I nicely emailed her back and told her our furniture was not for her, being as she was the only one not seeing the pictures. I was kind, but returned her passive aggressive manner, and then promptly decided not to communicate with her any longer. Oddly enough, we got an email an hour later from a woman who fell in love with the furniture because of the pictures. She came out to see the furniture the next day and took it on the spot at full asking price. Take that, “There Are No Pictures,” lady. Take that.
3. Never, ever under any circumstances tune out when your mom and your friend are discussing your friend’s potential purchase of a home. You might just tune back in in time to hear your friend go, “I MAY NEVER GO OUTSIDE!,” and have no idea what they’re talking about.
4. If you’re ever unsure about a book you’re reading, pulling up reviews online for further insight may only confuse you more. I shall elaborate.
I am currently reading a fictional book that pertains to the subject of spiritual warfare, and intertwines with talking about Him. The book was so different and unusual that I decided I wanted to see what others thought about it, because I honestly had no idea what to think of it. For once in my life, I was speechless. I ended up coming across a review on a blog from a woman who was quite angry at the author of the book for portraying spiritual warfare as violent, and then went on to rant how this went completely against the Bible’s rendering of spiritual warfare. I don’t know what Bible she’s reading, but I think it left out Revelations. Either that, or she thought it was called spiritual warfare just because someone got a kick out of calling it that, and all those violent and unpleasant terms used in the Bible referring to it were really just code words to scare people, when really they meant sunshine and lollipops, as well as unicorns farting rainbows. When I finish the book and make a decision on how I feel about it, I will then share what I’m reading with you all. It’s just one of those books.
5. If you are a millionaire who decides to put himself on The Millionaire Matchmaker, and you wear shirts two sizes too big, pants that are also two sizes too big and aren’t meant to be capris, but come nowhere near your ankles, and Ed Hardy shoes that resemble a woman’s Mary Jane’s, don’t brag about what a hot bod you have, and then expect to not be made over. Seriously. Just don’t. And don’t give the lady you're paying to help you attitude.
6. Even though the NuvaRing commercial says “hormonal vaginal ring,” this does not mean that the vaginal ring is hormonal and will suddenly start a fight with your no no place about the lack of light it sees when in use.
7. Aunt Bev buys the best presents ever. As proof I will provide the below ill centered picture so that you can see what the present she bought me allowed me to be able to make. The pictures inside the frame, I totally made those thanks to her.
8. The guys on Supernatural really are that hot. In case you’ve forgotten, we have this example and this one.
9. I do not have the maturity level necessary to watch the Olympics. Every time someone correctly pronounces the name of an athlete from another country, I find a way to realize just how dirty it sounds.
10. Criminal Minds is a really good show. When you finally catch up on all five seasons, you suddenly have complete Criminal Minds withdrawal. It sucks.
That’s all I have for today, folks. I will leave you with something I wrote for my Grandma the day she passed and had intended on posting. Since then I have found out many things about her that have made me question everything I knew about her, but I have decided to post this anyway in hopes that someone can relate to the truth you feel just hours after learning someone has passed.
Oh, and btw, I know this layout is ugly. I'm working on it.
Someone else’s tragedy is always far more romantic than your own. That’s a lesson the movies won’t teach you and that you have to learn on your own. Too bad I already knew that.
My gram passed away this morning. I made the phone calls. No matter how many times I explained whose granddaughter I was, and then followed those words with “she passed away,” it still doesn’t seem real. I’m in total shock, but the funny thing about shock is that your body begins to respond to the stupidest things. Instead of crying, I find myself frustrated every time someone goes “but I just talked to her the other day.” And there wasn’t one person who didn’t announce this to me. In a moment, anything can change.
She was a wonderful grandmother, and I spent my childhood looking up to her, playing with her, and she always chased me around the kitchen island. I will always remember that. She gave me the gift of amazing memories, and warm love. Even though she’s gone, those things will never fade.
She was a mother to others, and even those who didn’t have a mother of their own. She took in everyone and was a great friend. Or, like my great aunt told me, “she was like my sister.” I like to think a lot of people will remember her that way.
So here’s to you, Laura: Grandma, Mother, Sister and Friend. You are now at peace, free from any pain and suffering. You will walk amongst the clouds with those that have been lost before you, but at the end of everything, you will be reunited with your one true love. In life and straight through to death, love is all that matters.
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